Chapter 17

Q

~Whimper and moan while I sit on my throne, we can be monsters together so we’re never alone…~

I could no longer look at inane objects without wanting to smash them to fucking pieces.

Everything pissed me off. My temper boiled constantly, and the helplessness I felt when it came to Tess crippled me.

She shut me out. She flatly refused to talk to me—to tell me what happened so I could help fight her nightmares for her. She looked at me as if I was a fucking stranger.

I meant every word. If she gave up, gave up on herself, on us, then I had nothing left. She might as well have died in fucking Rio.

I could’ve gone rogue and killed everyone until someone put me out of my misery.

But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst part was the nightmares and the skull-crushing pain of a migraine that refused to break.

I lived on codeine and anti-inflammatories to try and function—to make sure I was there for Tess.

My one bodily weakness was determined to murder me all while Tess ripped out my aching heart.

No matter what I did, nothing worked. I slept beside her, nursed her. I died a little inside. The beast hated seeing her so meek and broken while the man learned a new compassion for caring.

But day by day, hour by hour, the passion and need I felt for her turned from lover to brother. From consumed to confused.

I knew I could no longer hurt her and the sane part of me didn’t want to. But the part of me that knew Tess would never come back wanted to kill her faster. Just so the agony would be over with.

She looked at me with such emptiness it only made me sink further into hell. I’d never be able to touch her again. Never draw blood or show her how much I cared with the use of a whip or flogger.

That was all gone and I mourned for it. The beast lamented that I would never again have Tess panting in pleasure-pain, completely at my mercy. But now I mourned a deeper feeling.

I’d wrapped her in cotton wool; I’d doted on her for over two weeks. I watched as her body responded to treatment, how the bruises faded, and her lungs stopped wheezing.

I stopped going to work so I could be with her every hour. I gave up my entire life to make sure I was there for her, but she didn’t want me.

She didn’t want the man with the beast who wanted to make her scream.

She didn’t want the man who cared for her so sweetly and would never hurt her.

~She doesn’t want me.

Any part of me.~

Frederick took over the company, and I had nothing to do with my time but lurk in my home, being confronted with so many injured and broken women. The beast inside trembled and huddled into a ball.

It hated everything. It begged me to leave. To run.

Franco found me making my way outside. “Sir, the doctor and his team have finished their daily rounds for the women. Do you need them for anything else before they leave?” He came closer, eyeing me.

Franco hadn’t left me alone since damn Frederick told him to watch out for my migraines. He ratted me out to my own staff to keep an eye on me.

I tore into Frederick for overstepping the line, but he just hung up on me. Bastard.

Franco always looked at me with fucking respect; now it bordered on friendship and pity. Even after everything we’d done in the warehouse, he thought I was weak.

I fucking hated it. ~I hate everything. I hate everyone. Tess did this. Tess cut out my soul and left me with nothing.~

“Tell him to go. I don’t need him.” If I died of a migraine so be it. Then at last I might find peace.

“Are you sure?”

I glowered. “Don’t, Franco. Don’t ever forget your place.”

He dropped his eyes, taking a step back.

“Didn’t mean to piss you off.” He left without another word, and I ploughed through the house that was no longer a private sanctuary but a convalescent home for over twenty women whom we’d flown over from Rio.

I slammed the front door behind me.

Five were due to leave today. And two left the moment they arrived. A few were sick and four suffered withdrawals like Tess, but none of them had been hurt as much as her.

It made no sense to butcher items bound for sale. The only casualty had been found by one of the mercenaries: a blonde in a shallow grave with a gunshot to the head.

I had no purpose as I paced around the exterior of the large manor. I had no compass or direction anymore. I needed to go for a run, or beat the shit out of some gym equipment.

But all I could think about was Tess.

I didn’t have the balls to go back to see her. I couldn’t stand looking into her empty soulless eyes. I couldn’t be told to leave again. I might strike her.

I might hit her and then I’d be no better than the bastards who stole her.

~Hit her. Whip her. Force her to face whatever it is she’s blocked.~

But instead of pawing at me, encouraging me to race back to tie Tess up, the beast curled deeper into the corner, hanging its pitiful head. It wanted to bolt. To leave and never come back.

The urge to sprint filled my limbs and I took off. I wasn’t dressed for a run—in jeans and a black T-shirt—but I couldn’t stand the angst anymore.

I took off toward the manicured fields, running from thoughts of Tess.

I charged under ancient trees, sucking in lungfuls of air as I outran my demons. Outran the memories of her hallucinations and fretful mumbling.

I tried to forget that she talked to Brax in her sleep, her parents, too.

My hands curled and I slammed them into a tree as I darted past. Bark lodged into my knuckles, but I didn’t care.

I didn’t care about anything but running.

Two hours later, I could barely move and smashed the library door behind me. Throwing myself into a wingback, I tried to calm my breathing, wiping my sweaty face with the hem of my T-shirt.

I needed a shower, but I couldn’t face going upstairs to my room yet. The thought of seeing Tess hurt like a motherfucker.

Scowling at the library, I remembered why I’d avoided coming in here.

Too many memories existed: Tess standing up to the police when she thought they’d come to arrest me; Tess coming back to offer her love.

And now that fucking love was fading. If not already disappeared.

I picked up a heavy candlestick from the side table, hurling it at the fireplace. It bent and smashed against the bricks.

The violence awakened the need in me, and I wanted to wring somebody’s neck for stealing something so precious from me.

My jaw ground until my teeth almost turned to dust. I needed a fight. I needed to kill to purge myself of this...this…foreign emotion. This mind-twisting confusion.

Everything inside no longer made sense. When Tess woke up coughing and fighting her dreams, I called her my love.

I called her the sweetest endearment I’d ever called anyone in my life, and she didn’t react.

I willingly opened my heart to her and finally fucking admitted that I no longer merely cared for her. I no longer even fell for her.

I’d hit rock bottom and loved her with every inch of my fucking soul.

And ~nothing.~

Her fragility and sickness activated another part of me. The part that stood up to be a protector and provider.

My need to wipe her brow and hold her while she healed encouraged dormant sides of me to grow.

I felt myself distancing, retreating from a harsh lover who wanted to hurt, to something softer. A man who would lay down his body, who would flay himself alive if it meant Tess would heal.

But those caring needs crippled the beast and I no longer saw Tess as a fighter.

By her own words she was forcing me away.

She looked at me with no emotion, not as her lover who’d drawn her blood and been so deep inside her, I bruised both of us. She looked at me as if she’d said goodbye already.

I stood up, unable to sit any longer. Grabbing a pair of bookends, I threw them against the desk. The loud bangs as they dented the wood encouraged me to reap more anarchy.

Turning myself over to the beast, I brought an apocalypse on the room.

I tore off bookshelves.

~It’s over.~

I shredded limited editions.

~I’ve fallen in love only for it to end so fast.~

I hurled figurines and kicked priceless artifacts.

~She’ll never be my strong esclave again.~

When the room was in complete disarray, I threw myself into the chair.

Sitting forward, I massaged my temples, trying to dislodge the migraine.

Tess shot into my mind. How her head threw back when I licked her pussy. How she moaned when I fucked her. How her skin flushed when I whipped her.

I waited for the beast to snarl and demand I do worse things. To go up there and become her entire world while I hurt her.

But my cock shriveled and I skated away from such things.

All I could see was a woman I would die for, a woman who paid for my sins with her agony, and all I wanted to do was wrap her in silk and finery and never go near her again.

“Um, wow. I suppose I’ll need a bit of help cleaning tomorrow.”

My eyes snapped open, and the sharp swell of a headache welcomed me back to the world of unhappiness and horror.

Suzette moved through the dark room, stepping over rubble, dodging broken lamps.

“Are you okay, master? Can I get you anything?” She smoothed her pinafore, refusing to look at the mess around us. She probably thought I’d completely gone insane.

I sat straighter, dragging a hand over my face, trying to dispel the headache’s grip on me. My clothes were crusty from sweat; I felt ancient. “Is she okay?” My voice was a growl. I cleared my throat.

Suzette bit her lip before answering, “She’ll be fine. She just needs time.”

I tensed at her tone. She lied. “Qu’est-ce qu’il y a, Suzette?” What is it?

Her eyes darted away before she inched closer. “She asked me if you’d let her use a laptop and internet.”

I exploded upright. “Does she still think I won’t let her talk to the outside world! She isn’t my fucking prisoner.

“Of course she can have a laptop.” I stalked toward my desk and grabbed the spare I always kept there.

If Tess showed an interest in something, perhaps she would find her way back. I couldn’t crush the hope building in me—even though I knew it would probably end up hurting me more.

“Here.” I shoved it toward Suzette.

She took it, but didn’t move. Finally, she glanced up and my heart swooped to my feet. “What else?”

“It’s not my place, but I don’t think you should let her have it.” She tried to give the laptop back, but I moved away. “I don’t think it’s going to help her recovery.”

“What do you mean it won’t help? I’ll do anything if it means she’ll find herself again.” I shivered, remembering the cold blankness in her eyes.

“If it’s what she wants, give her the laptop, Suzette.”

She bit her lip. “I’d like to give you hope. Say that the same thing happened to me and that time will heal, but… in this instance, I’m not so sure.

“I think something drastic needs to be done, before you lose her.”

Suzette and I had always had a close bond.

She got away with talking to me about things I shouldn’t discuss, but as much as I wanted to problem solve Tess, to talk about what the fuck I lived with, I couldn’t.

I wouldn’t discuss my feelings for Tess, or the desperation I felt.

With a small sigh, Suzette left, taking the laptop with her. The moment she’d gone, I panicked. What if she was right? What if I did the wrong thing by letting Tess have access to the outside world?

~You have no fucking choice, she isn’t your slave.~

Not for the first time, I wished she truly was. Then none of this would’ve happened as she would never have left my house. I could beat the shit out of her for being so distant.

I could teach her to come back to me—her owner. She wouldn’t have a choice.

But she wasn’t my slave.

She was the one who stole my heart, and I doubted I’d ever get it back.

The migraine decided not to kill me when I called it quits a few hours later. I tried to work.

To add some input on upcoming mergers with Frederick via the phone, but all I could think about was Tess upstairs in my bed on the internet, talking to who the fuck knows.

I wasn’t a jealous asshole, but I was petrified she’d block me out even more. I had no power over her and I wasn’t used to such a weakness.

The house rested in silence as I crept up the stairs. I didn’t know what the time was; everyone had gone to bed.

When I arrived outside the door to my room, I suffered a horrible pang of loss. I may have Tess back but her heart had gone.

I’d lost the woman I wanted to fight and whip and love for the rest of my days, and I didn’t know how to act around the broken stranger in my bed.

I’d yelled at her before. Did she care? I wanted her to scream at me—to have a fight with her—anything to draw emotion from her dead soul.

My hand rested on the doorknob and I took forever to turn and enter.

~Stop being a coward.

Stop my heart from hurting.

Go kill something, then you’ll feel better.~

Shadows swallowed the room as I opened the door and tiptoed across the carpet. Like a fucking spineless coward, I waited until Tess drifted off to sleep before returning.

I lurked in the darkness, not turning on any lights. She slept with her mouth slightly parted and hair tangled on the pillow. The matted curls were now nice and clean.

Her body smelling faintly of my orange soap from the shower.

She no longer looked like a mental patient who needed serious drugs to cope. She looked so innocent.

Yet beneath that porcelain skin and golden hair lurked a demoness, a temptress who I wanted so badly to see alive again. Did she still exist in this shell of a girl?

Could I draw the real Tess free? Show her what she was giving up by shutting me out?

At least watching her while she slept, I could pretend she still belonged to me.

The fiery passion she used to possess was gone. It cut me to my black soul and beyond into forever.

My hands clenched, wishing I hadn’t buried the ringleader’s nasty heart under one of the rosebushes outside. I wanted to tear it from his chest all over again. It was the only piece of him I kept.

If Tess ever asked for it, I would be prepared to give it to her.

Maybe it would bring back her fight—the passion I needed to see.

It was late. I’d had a hell of a time the last few weeks, and all I wanted to do was topple into bed beside Tess. But the mental strain compounding my headache guaranteed I wouldn’t sleep.

My hands went to my belt, automatically undressing for bed. The leather was warm in my hands and I fondled it like I would an old friend. This was the same belt that welcomed Tess back into my world.

Maybe it could do it all over again.

I froze. The animal inside rose its head, contemplating this sudden development.

If I woke Tess up with the bite of pain, I doubted my ~esclave~ would welcome me. The broken girl who didn’t know me might crumble even worse. I would be detrimental to her healing.

~There’s nothing worse than the emptiness she lives in already.~

Maybe it was time for me to sleep elsewhere. To remove myself, just like she’d asked. But if I did that, I’d never get her back. I didn’t want to admit defeat.

~I’ve never been so confused.~

Sighing heavily, I let go of the belt, removing the feel of tempting leather in my grip. Images of Tess in the gaming room spread over the countertop roared to mind.

The sound of her skin being slapped by my belt echoed in my ears. I swallowed hard, watching the silhouette of the woman who made me live in constant agony—a tripwire of desire and repulsion.

Then the urge for that sort of kink flew away, leaving me cold and hating myself for being such a fucked-up asshole.

Tess was no longer strong enough for that sort of shit, and it shut me down until every last need filtered away.

I forced myself to look at her—really look at her, and I didn’t like what I saw. The weight loss, the sense of sadness shadowing her even in sleep.

Every inch of me wanted to climb beside her and hold her. To curl around her, offer the protection of my body, but I stood stiff instead.

My hands didn’t unclench as I fought so many urges, not all of them making sense. I’d never been so vulnerable. So tamed. I hated the lack of control over the last weeks.

I hated the fact that this delicate woman had a power over me like no other. She could break me in half if I failed to keep her alive. She’d already broken me into pieces by being so remote.

The beast inside, the one who craved her blood and screams, breathed heavily with perplexity.

It still wanted to tear into her, to claim her and make her cry, but at the same time it wanted to run far away whimpering and forget she ever existed.

~I want to hurt you, Tess, but now the very idea of hearing you scream makes me sick to my fucking stomach.

Q, you’re changing. You never cared about repercussions before. Only the chase, the hunt, the pleasure.~

Was this what love was? This soppy weakness? This mind-altering reality that left me lost and confounded?

If it was, I hated it.

I missed my straightforward, if not constantly battling life. I missed the coldheartedness I’d built like an impenetrable fort. I missed simplicity.

Tess groaned in her sleep, twitching violently away from some nightmare.

My heart raced as her eyes flared wide, only to close again instantly. “No, please, Q. You don’t hate me. You don’t.”

My knees wobbled, threatening to send me to the floor. She thought I hated her? There was nothing further from the truth. Her body trembled, then she turned to the side, curling into a little ball.

The closed laptop on her legs shifted and I caught it before it slid off the bed.

The snowy bandage on her neck helped soothe me. At least the tracker that led to this entire mess was destroyed and out of her body. Those bastards would never hurt anyone again, but others would try.

Franco had been given exclusive rights to keep tabs on the traffickers who’d heard of me slaughtering Red Wolverine. The death threats were piling up and soon I’d have more blood on my hands.

Feeling like a creepy bastard watching her in the dark, I took the laptop and went to sit in the chair by the window. No moonlight graced the room, which was fine by me.

I didn’t deserve moonlight with what I was about to do.

Throwing a careful look at Tess, I opened the lid and waited for the laptop to boot. Immediately I went to history, and my heart seized when her email account opened.

~Are you fucking sure you want to do this?~

Of course, I wasn’t. I wasn’t a snoop. I hated that I had to know what Tess talked about. But I also couldn’t live with never knowing. She hurt deep inside and wouldn’t let me in. She refused to talk.

This might be the only way I could understand. I might finally decipher how her mind had cracked and help her come back to me. I wanted to heal her, not just for her sanity, but for mine as well.

I wouldn’t survive much longer without her.

~From: Tess Snow

Time: 8:22 p.m.

To: Brax Cliffingstone~

My skin instantly broke out into a sweat. I shot a glance at sleeping Tess. Why the fuck did she email her ex?

With an aching heart, I read.

~Hi Brax,

Long-time no chat, huh? It’s weird cause I feel like I’ve been talking to you a lot lately. I don’t even know why I’m messaging you. I just…crap, I don’t know.

Let me start again. How are you? How’s Bianca? Did you take her out on that date? Oh, and how’s Blizzard? Is he still chewing my shoes that I left behind?

Anyway…just wanted to say hi. So, hi.~

Such a rambling message with no point. Did she think she couldn’t waffle on to me? I would gladly listen to anything she fucking said.

I would spend the rest of my life listening to her talk about shoes and any other trivial thing if she let me.

My stomach rolled when I scrolled down and noticed the reply.

~From: Brax Cliffingstone

Time: 8:38 p.m.

To: Tess Snow

Hey!

Wow, I know you said you wanted to stay friends, but I didn’t know if you would. It’s awesome to hear from you, Tessie. I have to admit, I’ve been missing the hell out of you.

I keep waking up in a cold sweat, you know? Thinking you’re still kidnapped and I can’t find you.

But then I remember you’ve run off to be with some guy you couldn’t live without and are madly in love with and happy. Which I’m glad about. I want you to be happy.

And in answer to your question, I took Bianca out for the first time a week ago. She wanted to give me time to make sure it was what I wanted.

She’s awesome and I’m starting to really care for her, but I’ll always have a soft spot for you.

See ya!~

It didn’t offer any consolation that he’d moved on to another girl, not when he still missed her and had a soft spot for the woman fast asleep in my fucking bed. ~She’s mine, goddammit.~

I wanted to throw the laptop at the wall. I wanted to shake Tess awake and demand an explanation.

Instead, I kept reading.

~From: Tess Snow

Time: 8:45 p.m.

To: Brax Cliffingstone

Oh, you’re online. That’s great that you’re having a good time with Bianca. I’m glad one of us is happy.~

Fuck if that line didn’t cut my heart out. I couldn’t help sneering at it. She sounded like a little drama queen.

I knew she had a right to feel like that, but after everything I’d done, after everything I did for her, it lodged in my throat like a hard to swallow pill.

The email turned into instant chat. I couldn’t contain the crushing sadness filling my chest.

~Brax: Are you okay? That last comment was kinda weird.

Tess: Yes, I’m okay. Just had a rough couple of weeks.

Brax: Want to talk about it?

Brax: Tess, you there?

Brax: If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.

Tess: I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t. Sorry.

Brax: Is there anything I can do?

Tess: Not really. Just talking to someone normal is helping.

Brax: LOL. You’re saying your new man isn’t normal?

Brax: Helloooo... again, you don’t have to answer if I pried. None of my business.

Tess: Q is everything I dreamed and more. He’s perfect for me.

Brax: Why am I hearing a but in that sentence?

Tess: You’re not. Clean out your ears.

Brax: Haha. What’s up for real, Tessie? You’re making me worried.

Tess: I...

Brax: Yes...

Tess: I’m empty.

Brax: Okay, wow, um, that sounds like you need to talk to someone. I don’t have the training to deal with cryptic replies like that.

Tess: Sorry. Let’s talk about other things.

Brax: Hang on. Don’t change the subject. Did he hurt you? Are you okay? If he hurt you, so help me, I’ll make sure he’s fucking ruined.

Tess: It isn’t him. He’s been amazing. He’s shown a side I didn’t know existed.

Brax: Fibs and fakers, Tessie. Don’t avoid the truth.

Brax: Look, I won’t press you, but do you need me to come get you?

Tess: That’s sweet but no. I’m fine.~

~Brax: Shit, I gotta go, but now I’m freaking out that you’re not okay. Promise me you’ll message again soon. Okay? Even if it’s just to talk about how goofy Blizzard is.

Tess: I will. Thanks...

Brax: Anytime. Bye.~

The clock on the computer dashboard ticked away the hours that I sat there. Too frozen, too consumed with pain to move.

Tess felt nothing.

Tess felt nothing for me.

Too fucking bad I felt enough to combust into agonizing pieces.

Tess screamed at daybreak, hurtling me from dreamless coma into full killing mode.

My back bellowed from falling asleep in the chair, and I stood up so fast the laptop clunked to the floor.

Tess’s eyes shot over to me; the residual emotion from her dream shut down to be replaced with emptiness.

Jumping over the computer, I dashed to her side. Her hair stuck to her clammy forehead and all I wanted to do was brush it away. To touch her softly, kiss her, stroke her.

Remind myself that she was still in my bed, even if she’d run away mentally.

I’d never cared for anything in my life. Sure, I kept birds and fed the local wildlife but I’d never tended to a sick human. Never wanted to.

The slaves who came to me hurt and injured were dealt with by an in-house nurse. I didn’t want to be around weak things as I didn’t trust myself not to finish the job and put them out of their misery.

But Tess. Shit, she was different.

“You’re okay. ~Je suis là.~” I’m here.

She looked at me with no emotion. “I thought you went to work. I told you, you don’t have to care for me anymore. I’m feeling much better.”

“You’re not feeling any better otherwise you’d be talking to me.”

She hung her head. “Not this again. I told you. I will ~never~ talk about it. So stop pushing me.”

I leaned down, almost nose to nose. “I will push you every damn day if it means you’ll crack and face the things you’re hiding from.”

I wanted her to slap me. Push me away, beat my chest, scream, cry—~anything.~

But she blinked slowly and didn’t say a word. Her eyes left mine, looking toward the window. “Did you use the computer last night?”

I looked guiltily at the abandoned laptop on the carpet. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want her to know just how desperate she made me. Swallowing hard, I said, “I checked the stock market.

“I’m watching carefully to see if the thing with Red Wolverine has affected shares in other investments.”

Her mouth popped open as her eyes went saucer wide. “Wolverine. The man who ordered me kidnapped—for revenge against you?”

~Motherfucker.~ She knew.

I ran a hand through my hair and stepped back. She deserved to know the entire story. Hear what happened. I had so much I had to tell her.

“We need to talk, Tess. About so much.” I moved closer, reaching out to take her hand. “Can you please tell me what happened?”

She stiffened before I even touched her. My hand dropped, not bothering anymore. “I ripped out his heart for you. Just like you asked. I travelled around the world searching.

“I paid more bribes, tortured more people, and killed enough to land me in hell for an eternity.

“But I didn’t care, because all I thought about was having you back in my arms.” I looked down at my arms, finally realizing that they’d forever be empty of her.

“You’re telling the truth. Aren’t you?”

She cocked her chin, her entire demeanor cold. “Yes. I’ll never go back. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

The woman I fucking loved was gone. My spine tingled with heavy regret. I could hit her. Cajole her. Bribe or beg, and it wouldn’t make any difference.

I nodded, swallowing past the ball of sadness in my throat.

I couldn’t be there anymore. I couldn’t let her kill me inch by inch.

I slammed the door and left.