Chapter 11: confused
Lynden Makes a Change
I managed to eat a bit of lunch and then mumbled that I was going back to lie down.
My thoughts were swinging around wildly, getting all mixed up. I hated them for what they were doing to me, yet they were good to me in other ways. I mean, Mr Keaton came after me and found me, and Mrs Keaton wasn't pretending to be upset, she was distressed and very glad to see me back. So maybe they did like me, at least a bit.
And they hadn't told me off, said I was stupid or anything, they'd just been glad that I was all right. Even Randolph tried to be consoling.
Oh hell, what was I going to do? I couldn't risk trying to run away again, and no way could I swim across the lake to the village. I was stuck here.
Should I simply put up with it, just make the best of it that I could, like what Mr Keaton was saying? Was he genuine in what he was telling me? Was he telling me the truth when he said it would be a secret? I didn't know, but I hoped so.
Lots of people had 'talked to me' over the years, but mostly it was reprimands, or questions about why I behaved like I did. Mr Keaton had been different, and I wasn't sure what to make of that.
This dressing up stuff was crap; I knew that I must look completely dumb, you know, totally . . . what's that word . . . ludicrous. Yeah, I must look totally ludicrous in these blasted girls clothes. The mirror on the small dressing table wasn't big enough for me to see myself properly, and that was probably a good thing. I didn't want to see what I looked like.
I lay down on the bed, trying to think sensibly but getting nowhere.
"Lynda, come on dear, get up, it's almost dinner time. Go and have your shower."
I must have fallen asleep. Mrs Keaton was standing in the doorway smiling at me.
Feeling groggy, I struggled to my feet saying, "Yeah, right, right."
After I showered, I put on the damn pyjamas and robe - what choice did I have? - and went out and sat by the fire. I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I managed to eat my dinner and then went straight to bed. I lay there for ages stewing over things, having weird feelings and finding it hard to make sense of anything.