Chapter 21

MASON

I can’t believe I just said that to my princess. Why the hell did I do it? I should’ve been selfish.

Then I wouldn’t be in this pain. I can deal with the shoulder pain. Hell, I can deal with never playing football again.

But the pain of treating Lily like that? It feels like torture. I could see how much I hurt her.

I feel like the biggest fucking asshole. She didn’t even slam the doors as she left. It was almost as if she was numb, or she just didn’t care.

“Fuck!” I yell, sweeping everything off my desk and sending it flying across the room.

She is the love of my life, and I’ve just screwed everything up. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I keep yelling as I continue to hurl my stuff around.

I know I’ve done the right thing for her, but it hurts like hell. If I hadn’t, I would just drag her down into the pits of addiction and poverty with me.

I should’ve seen that player coming and dodged him. Then I never would’ve gotten injured, and I wouldn’t have had to hurt Lily.

If I had just been better, Lily and I would be cuddled up in my bed, planning our future. If I’d dodged that guy, she would have agreed by now to move in next semester.

We’d be discussing whether we want a spring or fall wedding someday. Arguing over how many kids to have—though, of course, I’d give her as many babies as she wants.

Once all my rage is gone, I finally break down. I break down like a little bitch.

I cry and cry into my knees, regretting every single choice I made since I took that play that fateful night. Why the hell did I start taking those damn pills?

Why didn’t I just suck it up and deal with the pain? I know better than to do drugs.

I saw how fast Callum became an addict, how quickly he moved from pills to being hooked on heroin. And look what happened to him.

He got so messed up he would start fights with Mom. He’d rage out over nothing, destroy things, just like I just did.

Then he couldn’t handle it and took his life.

Once my tears dry up, I look around the mess of my bedroom. My clothes are spread all over the room.

Half of my textbooks are destroyed. All my blankets and sheets have been ripped off the bed.

I don’t even know where my pillow has gone. I feel like a fucking idiot.

Why did I do this? Why can’t my brain just work like a normal person?

I wipe my nose on the back of my hand before heading straight to the bathroom. I turn on the shower, and as I wait for it to heat up, I can’t help but think of the first and last time Lily and I were in this shower together.

She was crying. I was there for her.

Now I’m the one crying, and she’s not here. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I guess this is the start of it. Everything I see and do now is probably going to remind me of her.

I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes look sunken in, the dark circles underneath very prominent.

I look like I’ve lost weight, or at least some muscle, and I have a five o’clock shadow growing. I look like Callum did in his last few weeks.

I should’ve noticed his pain then. I guess this is the new Mason.

***

I hate the new Mason. He hardly ever gets out of bed.

He eats junk food. He doesn’t go to class and is probably failing at least half of them.

His friends barely talk to him. Not that I blame them.

I hardly want to be around me either at the moment. I want to change, to get it to stop, but it’s too hard and exhausting.

And worst of all, the new Mason doesn’t have Lily.

It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Lily. I haven’t heard from her at all since she walked out of my room. And, of course, her final words to me had to be, “I love you.”

I think it would be easier if she told me she hated me. Told me to go fuck myself, and she wished she had never met me.

But no. Lily Jane Bennett is the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met.

Even when she’s broken, she is still that same person. She’s not going to tear you down to make herself feel better.

Every single day hurts without her. I thought the pain would ease with time, but it seems to be getting worse.

Every time my phone buzzes, hope surges within me, thinking it might be her. But it never is.

It’s always Tayla or Gemma checking in, letting me know Mom is behaving. Stan, of all people, keeps asking how I am and if we can meet up.

Perhaps I should get up and go to class today. I might actually get to see Lily.

But I don’t know what I’d say to her. When Stan texts again, I sigh, feeling disappointed.

This text is different, though. It’s not polite like the others. This is a text telling me he got my address from Liam and is coming around in ten minutes.

I guess I better pretend like I’m not a depressed bum and put on some clothes and deodorant.

I run my fingers through my hair, trying to get some of the knots out. It’s so badly matted that I’m probably just going to have to get it cut off.

When Stan arrives, he doesn’t knock. He walks straight in.

My eyebrows shoot up in complete surprise. I didn’t think he’d be the type to just walk right in.

But when I see Brittany and Liam standing to his left, I’m no longer surprised.

“Shut up and sit down,” he orders in a no-nonsense tone.

I do as I’m told because he is a huge guy who I’m sure could snap me in half with one hand.

“Firstly, I am very sorry you’re injured. Secondly, I need to tell you what happened,” he begins, standing in front of me. Brittany is still standing to the side, her arms crossed, looking pissed, while Liam sits in the armchair, glaring at me like he’s ready to fight me.

“Cameron had a clear path to block that guy, he started to even, then he just stopped. He fucking stood there and watched you get pummeled,” he says before sitting down next to me.

“I’m sorry,” he adds as I process what he just told me.

“But you need to get your head out of your fucking ass and sort your shit out. You’re going to end up like your mother,” he snaps, making me understand why he looks like he wants to punch me in the face.

None of this would have fucking happened if it wasn’t for fucking Cameron!

He’s the reason that I can never play football again; he’s the reason I’m going to leave college; he’s the fucking reason I pushed Lily away and lost her.

I’m going to kill him.

I stand up, my blood pumping through me, ready to go find that fucking asshole.

“Sit down,” Brittany says, but I ignore her. I grab a pair of my sneakers that are sitting by the sofa.

“Dude, sit down,” Liam orders, standing up too.

“She has to tell you something too,” Stan says calmly. “It’s important,” he adds when I glance down at him.

Sighing, I sit back down next to him and look at Brittany, who is pacing.

“I’m not going to sugarcoat this,” she states, making me roll my eyes. When does she ever?

“Can you hurry this up? I’ve got things to do,” I say, desperate to go find that fucking asshole.

“Some professor convinced Lily to go to the dean about Cameron forcing himself onto her, and the dean didn’t give a shit, and now Cameron is making her life a living hell. The things he’s been saying are disgusting,” she spits out, not taking a breath at all.

Now I want to kill him even more. How fucking dare he treat Lily like that?

“And then you!” Her voice sounds venomous as she stops pacing and looks me dead in the eyes. “You fucking disappear out of her life! She’s been having fucking nightmares every night, and where have you been?”

“Oh, that’s right, you were too busy feeling sorry for yourself to realize your fucking girlfriend, who you ‘apparently’ love, needed you too. She was there for you and you”—she stops, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath—“you broke her. You made her worst fears come true. You fucking left her.”

Every single one of her words stings. But she’s right.

I promised Lily I would never leave her, that I would do anything for her, and I’d always be there whenever she needed me. And I broke almost every single promise I’ve made to her. What I said to her is unforgivable.

My eyes begin burning again, regretting taking those pills more and more.

“You know that Lily wouldn’t care if you’re a pro footballer. All she cares about is you. You are the one that makes her happy. Now she’s gone.”

“What?” I ask, my heart pounding in my chest. “Gone where?” I stand up.

“To her dad’s house. I don’t know if she’ll be back. She said something about getting a job at the ice cream shop,” Brittany says. She sounds and looks tired now.

~How did I let this happen?~ I ask myself. ~Why did I think that pushing Lily away would be the best thing for her? She can’t leave college. She’s too good to work at the ice cream shop.~

“You need to fix this, Mason,” Brittany says.

I nod at her words. I do need to fix this, and I know exactly where to start.