Chapter 19

MASON

I pull the covers up and over my head. I want to sleep so badly, but the pain in my shoulder is keeping me up all night. The meds they gave me at the hospital aren’t helping much.

Fuck it. I’m going to take a double dose.

This fucking sucks. I’m always sore, I’m tired, and I’m always grumpy.

I feel depressed. I haven’t left the house since the accident. It’s been the worst week of my life, other than that first week after Callum died.

I haven’t been to any classes. I just don’t care anymore.

Lily has been texting and calling me, but I just can’t face her. I’ll reply to a text every now and then because I can’t help myself, but I know I’ve let her down.

I’ve promised her the world, and now I’m going to lose my scholarship and get kicked out of school because there is no way in hell I can actually pay for college.

But at the same time, I just want her to be here with me. She’s always made me feel better. I just can’t look her in the eyes at the moment.

I can’t tell her I can’t give her everything I promised. All I could give her now is probably a boring life where I work nine to five, hating my job, and then no doubt I’ll turn to alcohol and drugs like my mother.

Lily would be better off with someone who gives her everything she dreams of. If she wanted to go to Paris for a weekend, she should be able to do that.

“Dude, we need to talk,” Liam announces as he walks straight into my room without knocking.

He’s been pissing me off lately. He keeps saying, “We need to talk,” and he has “something really important to tell you” and “it’s about your injury.” Quite frankly, I’m sick of hearing him say the same shit over and over.

“Too tired,” I mumble, turning in my bed so my back is facing him.

“For fuck’s sake, Mason!” he snaps, surprising me. He’s usually the calm one of us.

“You need to sort your shit out. Lily is a fucking mess. She clearly has PTSD, and you’re not there to help her, and now Cameron is making her life a living hell—and guess what? You’re not there either. If you’re not careful, she’s going to leave you. Fuck, if I were her, I would leave your ass,” he goes off at me before I hear the door slam.

What the fuck does he mean by Lily has PTSD and Cameron’s making her life a living hell?

Then it hits me. She would have PTSD from the accident. She spent all night with me at the hospital on fucking Thanksgiving. She spent half the night eating her fucking nails too.

How did I not notice? I am the shittiest boyfriend.

And what did Liam mean by Cameron making her life a living hell? I reach for my phone and look at my texts from Lily. Maybe she texted me about it, and I missed it.

I frown as I go back to re-read the texts she sent the past few days. They’re all her checking in on me. Every single text is asking how I am, asking if I need anything.

Nothing about how she is feeling, nothing about Cameron. Now I feel even worse. She deserves the best. And I’m not the best thing for her anymore.

Part of me wants to break things off with her, to let her go live her life fully. But the other part of me is too selfish.

I love her.

I never thought I would find love. Honestly, I thought I’d be the person that never marries, never even has a serious relationship because of how fucked up my past is.

But then I met Lily and fell for her. Actually, I fell for her the first time I saw her.

I still remember so clearly how she looked in her cheerleading uniform, smiling and cheering on the side of the football field during my first freshman football game.

Her smile is what got me. I remember thinking it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She was the most beautiful person I’d ever laid my eyes on.

I remember thinking, I wish Callum didn’t go to Greendale so I could transfer and meet her. But that stupid rivalry kept me at Greendale.

The more I observed her, the more I realized her smile never quite reached her eyes. Then Kingsley started bragging about how he’d “bagged” her.

That’s when I decided I despised him and would seize any opportunity to kick his ass. My hatred fueled me and made me a better football player.

Callum once told me I was following in his footsteps. He had been an exceptional football player from his freshman to junior year before he started doing more drugs than just smoking weed.

Honestly, I only joined the team because he pressured me to. Then I stayed because of Lily.

The only time I ever got to see her was at football games. It was a perfect arrangement. She was cheering, and I was on the field. It was as close as we could possibly get.

She’s been my motivation for four years.

I sigh before I rise to go find Liam. Even though she deserves better than me, I still feel the need to protect her.

I find him in the kitchen with Brittany.

“Hey,” I mumble, drawing both their attention.

“Go fuck yourself,” Brittany retorts before storming out of the room.

“What’s her problem?” I ask. I’m accustomed to Brittany’s outbursts, but usually, they have a reason.

Actually, it’s probably because I’m a lousy boyfriend, and she agrees that Lily needs someone better.

“Seriously, Mason?” Liam sighs, leaning against the counter.

“What?” I frown.

“We get that you’re upset, but the way you’re treating Lily at the moment is fucking disgusting. I don’t give a fuck that you can’t play football anymore. You don’t get to treat her like fucking shit,” he snaps at me before storming out, not even giving me a chance to reply.

I want to call Lily so badly, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I dry-swallow two pills and get straight back into bed. It doesn’t take long before my eyelids become heavy, and I drift off into the deepest sleep I’ve had in a long time.

***

Soon, this becomes my new routine—take two pills and sleep all day and night. When I am awake, I feel like I’m floating.

I haven’t felt this great for as long as I can remember. I understand why Callum started taking pills. They numb everything.

They make the pain in my shoulder disappear and the ache in my chest dull down to a manageable level. I never had this pain before. I’m guessing it’s from Lily not being close to me.

“Are you high?” Brittany asks me a few days after she told me to go fuck myself. Well, I think it’s been a couple of days. I can’t really keep track of time right now.

“Huh?” I rub my eyes as I try to find some sort of food in the pantry.

“I said, are you high?” she repeats herself.

“Nah. I just feel good.” I shrug and regret it, pain shooting through my shoulder. I reach for the pills that have become my new best friend. They make everything numb.

I pop two in my mouth before I grab a big bag of chips.

I’m starting to run low on my prescription from the hospital, and I’m going to need to get some more. I know exactly who will help me.

I pull my phone out and send a text to Callum’s best friend and drug dealer. I knew I kept his number for a reason. I smile, feeling proud of myself once I send the text and place my phone next to the chips.

“Fucking hell, Mason!” Brittany yells, smacking the countertop with her fist, making me jump. When did she get here?

“No wonder Lily doesn’t fucking want to be here,” she says, giving me a stern look.

“What do you mean? She hasn’t come around, and she stopped texting,” I state matter-of-factly. She’s finally given up.

“You seriously don’t remember her coming around last night?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at me.

Last night, I just slept and watched some mediocre docuseries on Netflix.

“Sit down, Mason,” she orders. I lazily roll my eyes but sit down.

“You need to text her right now. Tell her you’re sorry for everything,” she demands, sliding my phone to me across the counter.

How the hell did she get my phone? I shake my head and slip it into my pocket, safe and sound now.

“Mason!” Brittany snaps, regaining my attention. I see her mouth moving, but her words just sound like white noise to me right now.

~She’s probably just cussing me out as per usual~, I think to myself. Her words are beginning to bore me.

My eyes start to feel heavy again. Before I know it, I am sound asleep.