32. Regrets

4 months earlier

-Troy-

Max and I got accepted to the football team right before our freshman year ended. The coach wanted to have a three-day "camp" on the third weekend of the summer. It was kind of like a kick-start for the season. We spent the entire weekend at school, sleeping in the sport hall and getting to know our teammates. Most of the time we were at the football field, learning to play. It was a lot of fun.

It was Sunday, and the last day of the camp. I was having trouble sleeping on the hard floor with so many snoring jocks around, so I left the sports hall to get some fresh air around six in the morning.

I had only shorts and a hoodie over my tank top, but the morning was really warm. I knew the day would be smoldering hot, so I enjoyed the cool wind as long as I could. I wandered around the football field, feeling excited about being on the team.

I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings. At one point I was completely alone, but shortly after, when I looked around, I saw someone sitting on the bleachers. It was Luke, and I waved at him cheerily before I jogged to him.

"I forgot you never sleep," I joked when I stopped next to him.

"I do sleep," he muttered quietly.

I sat down next to him without saying anything. Luke wasn't exactly the most outgoing guy there was. For some reason, he had become our friend, even though he was two years older than Max and me. He had taught us to play properly, so we had a better chance to get on the team, and his efforts had finally paid off.

"Troy, I..." Luke spoke, but when I turned to look at him, he didn't seem like he was going to continue.

"What?" I asked with a frown – he looked troubled somehow.

"I like you," he breathed out quietly, staring at the ground.

I stopped breathing for a moment. Luke wasn't the kind of guy to say such things. I guess I knew exactly what he meant, but at the same time, his words just didn't sink in.

"As a friend, right?" I said and laughed nervously.

"No," he muttered, and he still refused to look at me.

I felt my stomach turn upside down. What the hell was I supposed to say to him?! He was obviously speaking the truth – he would never joke about things like that! He never joked at all, period! But what could I say to him? He was the captain, for crying out loud!

I just stared at him, and the silence was growing almost painful.

"O-oh... I see," I muttered and tore my eyes off him. "I..."

"Would you go out with me?" he asked timidly. "Could you even... consider that?"

"I... I... I... let me think about it," I said and cursed myself immediately.

I was not gay. I was not interested in him that way, but my stupid mouth worked on its own, and now I was completely screwed.

"Yeah?" he carefully peered at me.

"Yeah... I'll just... I'll think about it," I repeated, wanting to hit myself.

"Okay," he said and gave me a small, hopeful smile. "We should go back."

"Yeah..." I muttered.

Oh God... What did I just do...?

*****

Luke was patient with me, which made me feel a hundred times worse. He never pressured me for an answer, and the only couple of times he confronted me was when he asked what I was doing the next Friday night. I always came up with lies when he asked me that, and he just nodded.

I don't know why I couldn't just tell him no. I wanted to so many times, but the words just didn't come out. Then Elisa stepped into the picture, and I thought it was obvious to Luke what my answer was.

I could still remember that look on his face when I stepped into the school, holding her hand. I knew what kind of a scumbag I was for not letting him know I had no intention of going out with him. I knew I should have told him no before going out with Elisa.

Luke didn't talk to me in weeks after that. He avoided even looking at me after that. Everyone noticed it, but they just assumed Luke had a thing for Elisa and was mad at me for stealing her. No one knew it was the other way around.

I tried to talk to him a couple of times, but he treated me like air, so I stopped trying. I tried to apologize to him. I tried to tell him that my heart chose Elisa, but he didn't listen. I hated myself for hurting him like that. I was a stupid, mindless teenager who didn't want to hurt his feelings in the first place, but ended up crushing him later on.

Then Elisa broke up with me. On that same day, Luke looked at me for the first time in ages. He didn't say anything, and when I tried to go talk to him, he left, but at least he looked at me. At first, I thought he felt sorry for me for being dumped, but the truth was that he had found his hope.

He was slowly warming up to me again, waving at me in the hallways and even saying hello now and then. I could see the hope in his eyes every time our eyes met, and a week later I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell him I wasn't into him. I had to tell him no.

So one day after school, I went to his house. I knew he was at home, and after I found all my courage to confront him, I pressed the doorbell. Bella came barking to the door, and shortly after, Luke opened it. He was surprised to see me standing there, and he gave me a smile. It faded away when he realized what I had to say.

"Do you want to come in?" he asked carefully.

"Sure," I muttered. "I won't stay long..."

"Okay..." he replied and showed me the way up to his bedroom.

I didn't see or hear his parents, so I assumed we were alone. Bella was trying to get my attention the entire time, and for some reason, it amused Luke.

"She likes you," he spoke quietly, when he sat down on his bed.

"She's a great dog," I said and scratched her behind the ear.

We fell silent after that. I played with Bella, trying to spit out what I was supposed to say, but I felt so bad I couldn't find the strength to break his heart. I had been the biggest asshole there was.

"So... It didn't work out with Elisa?" Luke spoke hesitantly.

"No..." I muttered without looking at him.

"I don't know if I should say this, but she asked me out before you two started dating," Luke spoke quietly.

It was unnecessary for him to tell me that – I had already figured out that Elisa liked him more than me.

"It's fine... It's over..." I mumbled.

"So..." Luke said, and I could see from the corner of my eye how he looked down at the floor in defeat.

It was my time to give him my answer. But I just couldn't do it.

"How long have you had feelings for me?" I asked instead.

"Always," he said with a sad chuckle.

"Why me?" I asked the question that had been burning in my mind.

"Because I think you are amazing," Luke said.

He still wasn't looking at me. I wondered if it was too painful for him to look at me at that moment.

"Luke – I'm flattered. I really am," I said quietly. "You are a nice guy."

"Then would you go out with me?" he asked and turned to look at me.

"Luke... I..." I had to look away.

I wished so hard that he would give up. He knew what I was going to say anyway, so why he had to make things worse for the both of us? The silence grew unbearable while I tried to think of a way to tell him no as nicely as I possibly could.

"You know, seeing you with her... I hated you," Luke continued talking, giving me the easy way out of the situation. "But then I realized I could never hate you. You are... I just can't hate you. If you want to make it up for me, there is one thing you could do for me."

I stopped breathing when he gave me a stern look. I wasn't quite sure what he wanted, or if I could do what he wanted me to do. My mind was in the gutter at that moment, fearing the worst.

"W-what would you like me to do?" I asked timidly.

"Just a hug," he said, surprising me. "If you could pretend for one minute that you love me, I promise to leave you alone and never bother you with this again."

"So you want me to hug you for one minute?" I asked with a frown.

It was the silliest thing I had ever heard, but for some reason Luke looked like it was his biggest dream, so I couldn't say no to him.

"One minute," he said quietly. "That's all I ask."

"O-okay," I muttered, and he stood up, grabbing his phone. "What are you doing?" I asked. He showed me the timer on his phone, set for one minute. "So you want to time it?"

Luke shrugged and looked away. I stared at him for a moment before I sighed lightly and stood up. "Okay, one minute."

He gave me a hesitant look before he stepped right in front of me, threw his phone on the bed when the seconds started running. He carefully wrapped his arms around my back, leaning his head on my shoulder, and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I placed my hands on his back, feeling really weird and uneasy, but if that was what he wanted me to do to make up for my cruelness, I did what he wanted.

Then I remembered I was supposed to act like I loved him, so I moved my hand carefully up on the back of his neck and caressed his skin awkwardly. His hold on me tightened slightly, but it didn't feel as uncomfortable as I had thought. He was my friend, and my heart wept with his, but I couldn't return his feelings, and for that I was really sorry.

And it hurt me when I felt how hard it was for him to let go when the alarm went off. I didn't want him to be hurting because of me. But I had to stay strong. If I did, maybe it was easier for him to let me go. I slowly unwrapped my hands while he did the same. I tried to give him a smile, but he didn't look at me. He had his eyes almost closed, and I could feel his body trembling just before he finally let his hands drop down.

He looked so dead when he stood there. I waited for him to say or do something, feeling horrible and cold inside.

"I should go," I whispered when he didn't say anything.

"Yeah..." he muttered and sniffed lightly before he turned to pick up his phone, shutting the alarm.

I watched his strengthless posture for a moment before I patted Bella and grabbed my bag.

"Thank you," Luke muttered. "I will keep my promise. I won't bother you again."

I couldn't just say thank you to him, could I? It would have hurt him even more. "Luke... I..." I tried to say something, but I had no idea what I could say at that moment.

"At least I can still dream about it," he said and turned to look at me with a weak smile. "There's still hope."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You didn't say no," he spoke, and my stomach turned upside down. "But I will keep my promise, don't worry. You should go now."

I stared at him for a moment before I nodded and exited the room, wishing he would give up already. I knew it wasn't going to happen, but if he needed that hope, I couldn't take it away from him.

I just couldn't.

~~~~~

Present day

"So... That's about it," I muttered when I stopped telling Max how it all happened. "Luke has kind of kept his promise."

Max stared at me with wide eyes, and I knew he was about to start yelling at me.

"Troy–"

"I know, I know!" I sighed in frustration and took a couple of steps away from him, rubbing my temples. "I should have told him no back then! I should have done so many things differently! I should have..."

"Troy, you have to go to him," Max said and stopped me from pacing around. "You can't just let him keep his hopes up when there's no chances! That is just cruel!"

"I know, but I don't want to–"

"Hurt his feelings? I think that's far too late," Max spoke angrily. "You should have seen him. You have already broken his heart by letting him keep hoping!"

I knew painfully well that he was right. I was just so afraid to go see Luke. I dreaded seeing the hurt in his eyes.

"You're right," I muttered. "I... I'll go talk to him."

"And this time you better make things clear," Max said with a warning tone. "Even though he already said he gave up, you have to tell him you are not interested. He will never get over it if he doesn't hear that."

"I know, I know..." I nodded. "Thanks for listening..."

"No matter how many stupid things you have done, or will do, I'll be here for you," Max said and patted my shoulder before he continued, "to beat up your ass."

"Thanks, bro," I chuckled, but then I thought about Luke and my stomach twisted unpleasantly. "I should go..."

"Yeah... Good luck," Max said quietly.