Epilogue: Misha

1 Month Later

"Joe," I sighed.

"Mm, yeah, say it just like that."

"Joe." This time, I followed it up with a little shove. The alpha still stayed glued, stubbornly, to my neck. I could feel his smile against my skin. When he didn't let up, I felt an elbow to the ribs was in order.

"Oof-! Gah-! What the hell?"

"We're going to be late," I said.

"Late for what? Central Park stays open till 1 am!"

"Ah, yes, because we'll want to stay in a big, dark, empty park till 1 in the morning."

"You could take down three full grown male alphas if you wanted to!" Joe argued. I would have taken it as a compliment if not for the fact that he was trying to keep me caged between him and the kitchen counter. Some silly thinking of mine had me assured Joe would be less of a nuisance with Hans, Ross, and even Conrad around. Oh, how naive I was. By some remarkable ingenuity, the alpha still had time to catch me in his hormone-driven state.

I heaved out a sigh and slipped past him, the black trench coat catching my eye in the distant corner of the kitchen. "Conrad's been waiting in the car for ten minutes and with you it'll turn into an hour."

Joe followed me as I slipped on the coat and searched for my keys on the hooks above the dining table. He crossed his arms and smiled. "Is that really a bad thing, though? We'll ask him to join us."

I snorted. "He's barely shown interest in kissing or cuddling. I highly doubt he'd be down for a spur of the moment threesome."

There was an unbidden silence that followed as I located the keys and went for the closet by the front doors. Joe followed but didn't comment. Something shifted in the air. A complete one-eighty. Those seemed to be more common around here now.

When I finally managed to wrangle my old boots on, Joe spoke up.

"If shit hits the fan today, don't take it too hard. Con would have left by now if he didn't think we were worth it."

I smiled wryly as I looked up at him. Joe was a strange package of contradictions and mild chaos. He liked to keep the pain and emotions deep down like the good alpha son of old money and purported nobility. Ironically, he was the most emotionally volatile of us next to Conrad. His feelings and sentiments came out in a rushing explosion of rage, panic, or frustration like the eruption of a supervolcano. It was an easy doorway for a look into the state of his thoughts. Right now, the peak inside made it very clear that Joe was hurting and would hurt if Conrad ever decided to leave. The idea that the red-headed delta was hanging on for this long for a reason was particularly appealing to someone who couldn't face the truth.

The truth being that we'd messed up and Conrad owed us nothing. The truth that he could be hanging on out of spite, boredom, or apathy. Maybe even pity. The truth being that I might even deserve the pain.

I mulled this over as I smiled up at the alpha with the nervous tick in his eye that he tried hard to cover up. Unlike Joe, I knew how to keep the mask on. Even when it hurt the most.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine. Conrad and I are just having a simple talk."

He looked a little skeptical. Was my mask slipping? Was I getting old at the game? I shook my head, gave him a hesitant kiss and stepped out into the gentle light of the warmer-than-usual winter afternoon. My heart swelled a little, catching sight of Conrad in the passenger seat of the Rolls Royce, distracted by something on his phone.

"Hey," I said once I reached the car. He glanced up for a second. His eyes jumped down to his phone just as quickly.

"Hey," he muttered.

Right. That's how it was going to be. That's how it had been for a while.

I pulled out of the driveway. It was the perfect winter day for a stroll through Central Park. The snow was light and mostly melted and the air carried a warmth closer to spring. The sun was just as bright. The only thing to hamper the mood was the current situation.

"How was your day?"

"Fine."

A pause. I tried again. "Did you enjoy breakfast? Heard you and Hans went to a cafe."

"Yeah."

Joe would have growled and demanded that the delta stop being so obtuse. Ross might have laughed and asked a question that would require more than a one word answer. Hans was the only one to open him up. As it was, I had little to no real social grace or understanding unless it was under the mask of a persona going undercover. I grew up taught to never be myself. How I could make Conrad understand and trust us again with who I truly was left me at a loss. What I was was a mess. A toy soldier taking orders from his betters. A good beta under the control of alphas and stronger betas most his life.

I mulled over these thoughts. Something about this drive to Central Park felt more final than heading into a shootout. I had never wanted anything in my meager life. Conrad, I wanted. And I had probably fucked up the one chance I'd been given. This felt more like the last nail in the coffin to something that could have let me into a little bit of happiness had I not been the pathetic and incompetent man that I was.

"We're here."

I jumped a little at the words, realizing, with some giddy excitement, that Conrad had spoken of his own volition. We parked and headed out. I realized, with some growing dread and anxiety, that Conrad seemed none to happy when he realized the path I was taking him down. He seemed even more perturbed at the sight of the bench facing the angles we had seen the first time.

"Erm, do-do you want to sit down?" I smiled and sat, patting the spot next to me. At first, it seemed like the bit of hesitance guarding him would dissipate. I was crushed when he shrugged and stayed standing. I could feel my throat clog.

There was a small silence not completely uncomfortable. Crows cawed by the statues and the snow surrounding the area seemed to bring about a peace and beauty. Still, I struggled to push away the urge to shut-down and put on a mask of passivity and indifference.

The delta stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. I noted that his red hair looked striking among the whiteness of the park.

"So, what's up? You said you wanted to talk?"

I tried reading him, Conrad always having been an open book. Today wasn't exactly bringing out my A-game and I only had a vague sense of discomfort and apathy. I slumped. Suppose it was time to come out with it. I could always crawl into a closet and wait for the pain to go away if nothing good came of it. It was something I was used to doing.

I wrangled my hands and sighed. "Let's come out with it. I cheated on you with Ross. I had sex with him in the apartment we shared. I convinced myself it didn't matter because you were a cover story to get to Seraz. And I...." I choked up. Which was ridiculous. Only Conrad had the right.

It had been a long time but I felt words cut their way into my head and scream into my ears. Pathetic. Useless. Degenerate piece of--

"Woah, woah, Misha? Misha!"

I sucked in a breath as I heard Conrad's voice through the haze. A glance up and I looked into startled wide eyes and paler-than-usual skin. There was confusion and maybe even a move to comfort me. Still, his hesitance took over and he stood back with a look of apprehension.

"You-you ok?"

"Yeah," I said. My voice came out as an unsteady whisper. I took another breath. "Sorry. I-god, I'm sorry."

"What was that? You were looking behind me like there was kind of god-damned serial killer with an axe raised." I didn't blame his startled state. My face must have looked a chalky white.

"I'm sorry," was all that came out. "If you want to leave..."

I honestly thought he would take that as a great opportunity to bust on a pathetic beta who'd done nothing but hurt him. I would understand even if it hurt. Instead, he stayed. Moreover, he sat down. Warily and at a distance unsurprisingly but something lifted in me for a moment. I glanced over at him while he paused to look down at his gloved hands.

"What was that?"

I blinked and tried to focus on the question. I swallowed a lump. "It just happened a bit when I was younger. Voices in my head usually from like my...trainer's, I guess. Mild schizophrenia or something. I'm not sure. They don't exactly care for proper mental diagnoses in my line of work."

Conrad looked to be mulling over something. "I'm guessing you didn't really have parents who owned a small toy store in Kirillov?"

I found myself cringing at those words. The lies came back to me every night even in the arms of two alphas and resting beside Hans. I could hear the hurt present in his voice.

"No. I was an orphan. I did grow up in Kirillov but under a man who trained me to join his company of agents."

"So, like, are you a hitman? Russian Mafia?"

Despite myself, I let out a small chuckle and shook my head. "No. More like a bodyguard or a private eye. Usually for the obscenely rich like the Edwards. Vanessa hired me to root out Seraz when he started harassing their businesses."

Another pause for rumination before he spoke up again. Even though the dullness in his voice hurt, I was grateful that the conversation was being had.

"So...were you and Ross together before...?"

I grimaced. I knew exactly what he was asking. More so than just the question itself were the implications behind it. What exactly was my relationship to the alpha before all this?

"I don't know what it was. Vanessa hired me as a PI and Ross's bodyguard. This was right after Hans ran off. Back then, it was assumed he was a bored omega looking for another alpha. Now we know it was because he was running away from his father's detection. Nevertheless, Ross was heartbroken. I know he seems the most emotionally stable out of all of us but he was devastated. He loved Hans. Still does."

"Obviously," Conrad snorted. There was no jealousy or resentment but a surprising hint of fondness. I let out a small smile.

"Ross took it out on me. By that I mean he tried to woo me. Insisted on a fling. We've known each other for these past two years and I grew fond of him but I never agreed to his proposal."

I sucked in a breath as I prepared myself for the rest. I was his to judge, a sinner looking for even an ounce of redemption. "I caved in that night you walked in on us. I know-I know to hell that you don't have to believe me. I know you might think it's all bullshit. And anyway, it doesn't make it better. I still cheated on you, even if that was the first time. Even if I convinced myself that we had nothing real."

Bastard. Pathetic.

"I-I know what I did was awful. I-I know-"

Pitiful piece of sniveling rot.

"I-I-I...I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry. I want you to give us another chance but I know we don't deserve it. You've been generous with giving it a month, but-but, if you want to leave..."

Conrad looked at me, finally. His beautiful eyes bore into mine. His expression was tight and unreadable. Again, I expected him to take the chance to leave me in my state of psychosis and panic.

You deserve it.

He didn't walk off. He continued to stare for a while before speaking.

"If it was all a cover...a lie....why do you want me to give you a try?" He asked slowly and carefully.

I closed my eyes. It was too great a risk to keep looking at him. I'd never bared my soul to anyone and it felt fundamentally wrong. I could feel the voice of the man who claimed to be my father telling me what a pathetic excuse for a man I was. I willed it away and let out a breath.

"Because I love you. I've never had what I had with you before then. Never had someone care for me, kiss me so tenderly. I tried telling myself it was for the best when I left. It wasn't. You're great, Conrad. I love your sarcastic wit. I love you laughing with your friends over something stupid. I love who you are." I bit my lip and looked out, over into the great vastness of the park.  The crows departed and the lights of lamps twinkled in the distance.

"I'm stupid and inexperienced with these kinds of things. Plain and simple. Emotion wasn't really discussed where I came from. I know it's not an excuse. But believe me, even when Ross tried to fill the void and even when Joe and Hans came along, I knew I needed to amend things with you. Tell you the truth. And apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry and I wish the best for you, whatever happens."

My little monologue ended, and I was startled out of my daze when he chuckled. It was a deep and hearty chuckle that had me entranced. It was the same laugh we shared watching a Pixar movie in the comfort of our apartment all those nights ago.

"If I had a drink for every time you said 'I'm sorry' in that grand speech of yours I'd probably die of liver failure." There was no malice. No skepticism or bitter amusement. He looked over at me. I felt a flush of warmth and stunned surprise when he scooted over and rested his head against my shoulder.

"Y'know it'll be a bit before I can even share the same bed as you all. Even longer before I can fully trust you."

I savored Conrad's warmth against mine. Taking a risk, I tentatively wrapped an arm around him and brought him tighter and closer to me. There was something so familiar and new to it. I wanted to sit there with him for hours on end, rest and talk some more.

"I know," I murmured. I kissed the top of his fiery red hair without thinking "Take all the time you need, Solnishko. We'll wait for you."

He smiled and leaned in further. A sense of peace, if a little unsure, settled over us regardless and so did that little bit of relief wound up over months. Everything seemed right with his head on my shoulder and our hands linked together while a light flurry of snow fell.

-8-

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