36. 𝑰'𝒎 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒓, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝑰 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒅

Hassan's Pov

Two months later

"Alright, just forward the documents to my email so we can quickly get this done before I leave," I instructed my assistant, who turned around to carry out my request, shutting the door behind him.

I let out a sigh, rubbing my eyes as a yawn escaped me, prompting me to recite the prayer for it. I had been feeling tired and moody all morning. I would have taken my medication, but I left it at home.

I took out my phone to see that Halimah had sent me a message. I clicked it and was greeted with a selfie of her and Zayad. She held him up to her face, squishing his already chubby cheeks against hers, and wore a huge smile. Her face was radiant and content. So beautiful. My heart warmed at the sight of two of my favorite people on earth. I'm incredibly lucky.

The message underneath read:

My Heart:Selfie before we go to the mall!

Me:My babies. I'm gonna meet you guys there, ok? I'll be done with work soon.Just take an Uber there, baby.

My Heart:Okay, see you then, In Shaa Allah!

Me:In Shaa Allah. I love you.

My Heart:I love you more.

I locked my phone with a smile just as a ping sounded from my laptop, indicating my assistant had sent what I requested. Back to work then.

~

I pulled up to the mall and unlocked my phone to double-check the location Halimah had sent me, then made my way there.

I sighed again at the growing heaviness in my heart, once more wishing I had brought my medication. Seeing them will make me feel better, though. With that thought, I quickened my pace to the baby store where Halimah had said she was.

After a few minutes, the store came into view, and I approached eagerly, only to stop in place at what I saw.

Halimah stood at the counter with Zayad in a light blue baby carrier, laughing and talking jovially with a blonde-haired man who also had a wide smile on his face. He stood tall and towered over Halimah, dressed casually.

Immediately, my stomach twisted in discomfort. Why is she so happy talking to this man? Where does she even know him from? Why have I never met him before?

Consumed with anger and jealousy, I kept my face stoic as I approached them. Halimah noticed me, her eyes squinting briefly, but I dismissed it, my gaze trained on this stranger who was taller than me, which ticked me off even more.

"Hassan! I didn't even see you there."

"Of course. You seemed... distracted," I responded curtly. Halimah did a double take at my tone, giving me a questioning look as she gestured to the man of the hour, who still had a smile on his face.

"This is Jake, my old school friend. He actually just moved here from London too" Yippee.

"Hey mate, how'd you do?" he greeted, holding out his hand for a handshake with a friendly smile. Not as friendly as the one he was showing my wife, though.

"Hey," I responded, giving him a firm handshake, my face blank. I turned to Halimah, who was holding her bags. "Did you get everything you wanted?"

"Y-yes, I was on my way out when Jake walked in," she said, looking at me intently. I looked away immediately.

"Of course. I'll be waiting in the car while you chat," I said, grabbing the bags beside her on the counter and the ones in her hand, then walking out.

Annoyance coursed through me as I approached my car and opened the back seat door to place the bags inside. I then sat in my seat, placed my head on the steering wheel, and tried to do the breathing exercises Sam taught me to release the anxiety, fear, and anger within me. I know my reaction is triggered and escalating because of my moodiness , but I just can't help how I feel about another man making my wife laugh and smile. Only I should. Her husband. Not Jake.

I sat up, letting out a deep breath, and noticed Halimah walking towards me. I got out of the car, opened the door for her, and watched silently as she unbuttoned the baby carrier, handed Zayad to me, and sat in the car. I gave him a kiss, noting he was sleeping, then gently closed her door, reentered the car, and pulled away from the mall driveway.

The tension in the car was undeniable and so strange. Normally by now, Halimah would be yapping about any and everything, filling the car with her cheerfulness.

As we drove in silence, I glanced over at Halimah through the rear view window. She was staring out the window, zayad laying on her chest.

The silence was almost suffocating. I knew I had to say something, but I didn't trust myself to speak without the anger seeping through. I just need to be silent right now.

Finally, Halimah broke the silence. "Hassan, what's wrong?" Her voice was soft, timid but I could hear the concern in it.

I took a deep breath, trying to keep my voice steady. "Nothing. Just a bit tired."

She tried again,"Is it about Jake?"

I gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Why would it be about him?"

"I saw the way you looked at him. Hassan, he's just an old friend. We went to school together. We were just catching up."

I wanted to believe her. I really did. But the image of them laughing together, so at ease, kept playing in my mind. "I don't want to talk about this right this second, Halimah. Please."

"Okay," she said so quietly that if it weren't for the silence in the car, I wouldn't have heard it under normal circumstances.

I focused back on the road and tried to ignore the image replaying in my head and the thoughts coursing through my mind. The quiet between us was heavy with unspoken words and emotions. I gripped the steering wheel tighter, willing myself to concentrate on driving and not on the jealousy gnawing at me.

As we continued our drive, the weight of my earlier anger and jealousy began to shift into a deep-seated worry. I knew Halimah loved me, but the fear of losing her, of not being enough, crept in like an unwanted shadow. I took a deep breath, attempting to steady my racing thoughts, but the image of her joyfully interacting with Jake refused to fade.

Halimah remained silent behind me, her presence a comforting yet painful reminder of my insecurities. I glanced at her briefly, noting the sadness in her eyes as she stared out the window. It hurt to see her like that, knowing I was the cause.

We arrived home, and I parked the car, turning off the engine. The silence lingered as we sat there for a moment, neither of us ready to break the fragile peace. Finally, I turned to her, my voice softer, more vulnerable. "Halimah, I just... I need some time to process this. It's not about you; it's about me and my own issues."

She nodded, her eyes meeting mine with understanding. "Take your time, Hassan. I'm here when you're ready to talk."

I sighed, feeling a mix of relief and guilt. "Thank you."

We got out of the car and went inside. The house felt different, quieter than usual. Halimah went to the living room with Zayad, and I retreated to our bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. I rubbed my temples, trying to clear my mind.

I knew I needed to address my feelings, to find a way to trust and communicate better with Halimah. She deserved that, and so did our family.

I took out my phone and opened the message she had sent earlier, looking at the selfie of her and Zayad again. Her smile was genuine, filled with love and happiness. I had to hold onto that, to remember that she chose me, that we chose each other. That I was enough.

After a while, I wandered into the kitchen, finding Halimah just as she was closing the fridge door. Her hands were full—one gripping a bag of frozen chicken, the other cradling an array of fresh vegetables. She placed them on the counter with a thud.

I approached her silently, the soft soles of my shoes making no sound against the tiled floor. Standing close behind her, I slid my arms around her waist, pulling her gently into me. The warmth of her body was immediately soothing. I could feel her slight startle at my touch, quickly followed by a sigh of recognition and comfort. She leaned back into me, her body fitting perfectly against mine, as if we were two pieces of a puzzle.

I nuzzled my head into the curve of her neck, inhaling the familiar, calming scent of her oud perfume mixed with a hint of the dinner she had started preparing. Her skin was soft against my cheek, and I could feel the steady rhythm of her breathing. She responded by melting into my embrace. Her hands found their way to my arms, and she began to rub them softly, her touch a silent reassurance.

"I'm sorry for earlier. I know I overreacted," I whispered into her neck, my voice barely more than a murmur.

Halimah turned slightly in my arms, just enough so that she could look at me. Her eyes, soft and understanding, met mine. She didn't need to say anything; her gaze alone was enough to convey her forgiveness.

She leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. Her hands moved from my arms to cup my face, her thumbs brushing lightly over my cheekbones.

"I know, Hassan. It's okay. I shouldn't have been talking so freely with him, it was just such a long time since I've seen him and he was one of the only friends I had in junior school and I just—I'm sorry for putting you in that position really. Forgive me?" she said softly, her voice filled with shame.

"I do baby, I love you with everything in me" I responded softly. My grip tightening around her as I brought her in for a proper hug.

"I love you more and you're the only one I have eyes for, okay?" She mumbled into my chest as she too tightened her hold on me.I hummed in contentment as I held unto her.

The tension in my chest began to ease as I held her close, the kitchen around us fading into the background.

I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but today was different. The situation I found myself in was unlike anything I'd experienced before, and it brought out feelings I didn't even know I had.

Looking back on my actions, I realize I shouldn't have reacted the way I did toward Halimah and even Jake. They were caught off guard by my reaction, and I can see now that they didn't deserve that from me at all. It wasn't fair to them, and it definitely wasn't a reflection of the kind of person I want to be.

This incident made me understand that I need to do a better job of handling my insecurities. I can't let them control me or dictate my reactions. This isn't just about taking my medication, though that's part of it. I need to put in the effort to work on myself, to understand why I feel this way and how to manage those feelings better.

I want to be the best version of myself, not just for my own peace of mind but for the beautiful family I am blessed to have. They deserve to see me at my best, and I want to give them that. This means taking responsibility for my actions and committing to personal growth.

I pray Allah eases the journey for me to be a better person, a better husband, a better father , and most importantly, a better servant.

~

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