28. 𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒕𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒐𝒖𝒕𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒍𝒊𝒎 𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓?

Hassan's pov

Parenthood was something I had always thought about, but the reality of it happening, especially with the girl of my dreams, was something I hadn't quite fully grasped. Who would've thought?

It's been four months since we found out we were gonna be parents and I have loved seeing the growth of my baby with a baby.

Halimah's bump is becoming more noticeable now, and she looks as radiant as ever. I often find her admiring herself in the mirror, cradling her bump, and more often than not, I join her.

The thought that a human is growing inside her just makes me be in awe of the power of Allah and his creations.

However, amidst the excitement for our growing family, there's a lingering fear within me. The anticipation for our baby's arrival has been a welcome distraction, but beneath the surface, my concerns still weigh heavily on my mind. I'm terrified of relapsing into my depressive state, especially at a time when Halimah needs my support more than ever. I can't bear the thought of burdening her when she should be relying on me for strength and stability.

I was sitting in Dr. Moore's office, awaiting his arrival . It's become a routine, these sessions, a lifeline in channeling the complexities of my emotions. Yet, there's a pang of guilt accompanying my presence here today.

You see, I've been consistent in attending these sessions, often without Halimah by my side. It's not that I don't value her support or trust her with my struggles. Quite the contrary, she's my rock, my unwavering source of strength. But amidst her own nervousness and anxiety about the pregnancy, I can't bring myself to burden her further with my issues. The thought of adding to her stress is unbearable; it's the last thing she needs right now.

So, I've made a conscious decision to shield her from the depths of my turmoil, to spare her the weight of my insecurities. After all, my primary focus is on being the best partner and father I can be for her and our baby. But in doing so, I've come to realize the importance of prioritizing my own well-being. For how can I offer support and stability if I'm not tending to my own mental health?

And thus, I find myself here, ready to lay bare the thoughts and emotions that have been festering within me. It's a daunting prospect, to confront the darkness that lurks beneath the surface, but I know it's a necessary step on the path to healing. So, as I sit here, waiting for him to arrive, I steel myself for the journey ahead, determined to confront my demons head-on and emerge stronger for it.

As Dr. Moore enters the room, his warm smile instantly puts me at ease. We exchange greetings and a firm handshake, a ritual that has become second nature to us. He gestures for me to take a seat on the comfortable couch, while he settles into the chair opposite me.

"So Hassan, How are we doing today?" he inquires, his tone gentle yet attentive.

"I'm good, Just pushing through day by day. And yourself?" I respond, reciprocating the genuine interest in his well-being.

"I can't complain. Kids driving me crazy day by day but I'm blessed," he replies with a chuckle.

Over the course of our sessions, a bond has formed between us, going beyond the typical dynamics of therapist and patient. It's more akin to an older brother guiding a younger sibling through life's ups and downs.

I've learned that Dr. Moore is married to Mariam, his wife of five years, and they are blessed with triplets. Hearing about his experiences as a parent adds a layer of relatability to our conversations.

Despite the professional boundaries, our relationship has evolved beyond the confines of the therapy room. He's become a confidant, a source of wisdom and guidance in times of need. And for that, I'm immensely grateful.

"...So what do you want to talk about today? Feel free" He said with a kind smile. With a deep breath, I dive into the topic weighing heavily on my mind.

"Halimah is in her second trimester and with all the preparations, it's helped taking my mind off stuff Alhamdulilah. We're really grateful to be given this life-changing opportunity," I share.

"I'm glad to hear that Hassan, congratulations once again," Dr. Moore responds warmly.

As I struggle to articulate my inner turmoil, a sense of frustration washes over me. Why am I allowing myself to dwell on my disorder when I should be embracing the happiness surrounding me? With a heavy heart, I muster the courage to voice my concerns.

"I'm excited," I finally admit, breaking the silence that hangs between us. But beneath the surface, a wave of anxiety threatens to engulf me.

"But?" Dr. Moore prompts gently, sensing the weight of my unspoken words.

I struggle to find the right words, grappling with the conflicting emotions swirling within me. Finally, I gather my thoughts and articulate the fears that have been haunting me.

"I can feel it coming. I'm more anxious and experiencing sleep problems too. The excitement for our growing baby is overshadowing it, and I'm grateful for that, but I fear it will come at the worst time possible. Halimah needs me now more than ever, and I can't be a burden on her when she should be leaning on me for support," I confess, the words tumbling out in a rush of emotion.

Dr. Moore listens intently, his quiet demeanor providing a comforting presence amidst the turmoil raging within me. With a gentle nod, he acknowledges the weight of my concerns.

"You don't want to let her down in a time when she needs you the most," he observes softly, his words resonating deeply within me.

"Yes," I whisper, my voice barely audible. The thought of causing Halimah any further pain fills me with a sense of dread. She's been my rock through thick and thin, and the idea of letting her down now is unthinkable.

"It sounds like you're going through a challenging time, especially with the mixed emotions of excitement for your growing family and the concerns about your own well-being. But hassan you have to remember that it's okay to seek support for yourself too, even while supporting your partner. Taking care of yourself allows you to be the best support for Halimah. So I have to commend you for continuing to come to our sessions. It shows willingness and determination on your part to be better and that's the most important thing"

I felt heard but I also felt my eyes prickle in frustration about this disease that just won't let me live a normal life. I gave a nod of acknowledgment to what he said, letting out a deep breath.

"For our next session, i want you to bring Halimah along. It would do good for her to be in more sessions with us to be apart of this process, yes?"

"Okay"

We spoke some more and then he began teaching me some relaxation techniques for when the thoughts became too much.

"Have you been taking your medication, in the right amount?" He asked tentatively, almost an hour into our session. I could understand where he was coming from. He was informed of my overdose and was called in to do a psych evaluation to make sure I wasn't suicidal and could go home.

"Yes." I answered with a heavy heart, my voice tinged with a hint of shame. The mere mention of my medication stirred a tumult of emotions within me, a reminder of my past struggles and moments of weakness.

"Halimah always stays close whenever I need to take my medicine, though she tries not to show it too much. Sometimes, she'd even hand me the pill bottle herself. Finally, I just promised to always take them when she was around and gave her the pill bottle to keep. It seemed like the least I could do to ease her worries."

"Wonderful that there is transparency and effort on your part" He said giving a nod of approval, scribbling down in his notepad then shut it close. Right then the timer went off signaling the end of our session.

"Now. I have an assignment for you. Take some time to think about how you're feeling after our chat today. Maybe jot down your thoughts in a notebook or even just on your phone. Try out some relaxing activities like deep breathing or taking a short walk. And don't forget to have a heart-to-heart with Halimah about how you can both support each other better. You've got this brother "

"Thank you, I will" I said gratefully with a smile as I stood up and gave him another handshake as I prepared to leave.

"By the way , when will you guys come over for dinner? Maria has been nagging me to ask since the dinner at your house"

I gave out a chuckle as I heard what he said.

Amongst the things I had learned about Doctor Moore, Sam, is that he is a revert muslim and has been for ten years now alhamdulilah. He had discovered islam through his now wife Mariam when they went to school together and she helped him learn more about the deen. They had been friends for the whole time until five years ago when sam admitted his feelings and they got married. They were blessed with their twins three years ago.

"I'll have to ask halimah too but probably this week inshaa Allah"

"Inshaa Allah brother. See you soon"

"Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu"

"Why are you always trying to outmuslim me brother? We get it, you were a muslim first" he exclaimed jokingly with an eyeroll.

I burst out into laughter as I shook my head in amusement and opened his door.

"Wa alaikum salam warahmatullah wa barakatuhu akhi" I heard him call out as I finally left his office. Heart feeling lighter compared to when I walked in.

~

As I turned the key in the lock, the sound of laughter floated towards me. Stepping over the threshold, I was greeted by the scent of freshly baked cookies.

Glancing towards the shoe rack, I noted the addition of two extra pairs of shoes, an indication that Halimah had company.

I made my way towards the living room. As I entered the room, I was met with the sight of Halimah, Ayesha, and her brother engaged in lively conversation.

Halimah sat comfortably on the couch, her expression radiant as she laughed with her guests.

Nearby, Abia lay nestled in her bed, asleep amidst the lively commotion of the room.

"Assalamu alaikum, everyone," I greeted with a warm smile.

Abu rose from his seat as I approached, and we exchanged a hearty man hug, accompanied by Salams.

Making my way to the couch where Halimah sat, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, drawing her closer to me with a tender gesture. Planting a gentle kiss on her head, I couldn't help but revel in the soft sound of her laughter as she snuggled closer to me.

"My eyes! Oh, my poor innocent eyes," Abu exclaimed dramatically. It apparently runs in the family.

In response, Ayesha playfully swatted him with a pillow before turning her attention to me with a warm smile. "How are you, Hassan?" she inquired politely.

"Alhamdulillah, what about you?" I replied, returning her smile with genuine warmth. Ayesha, my wife's best friend/cousin, was a frequent visitor to our home, and her presence always brought an added layer of comfort and camaraderie. I've grown to regard her as a little sister.

"Well, our uber just got here and I have to take this one home before her parents call the police" Abu announced getting up and gesturing to Ayesha when he spoke of her.

"Oh right, it is getting late. Wouldn't want aunty to start panicking." Halimah said with a chuckle as she too stood up as she walked over to embrace them.

As she walked towards them I could help admiring her side profile. She was definitely showing now and filling out her abayas. It was getting tight around the stomach area. She looked so beautiful.

I too got up and walked them to the door and we said our goodbyes once again as they walked out to the uber that was waiting for them in the driveway.

"Thank you for the visit!" Halimah shouted out one last time with a wave.

"Cherish it cause it won't be happening again!" Abu shouted back as they pulled off resulting in us giving out laughs.

I locked the front door and we walked back into the living room and sat back down. Halimah leaning on the other end of the couch and placing her legs unto my lap.

"Well? How was-"

Is it just me or is she literally glowing right now? Her eyes seemed brighter than usual and looked as if they were sparkling and her skin looked so flawless, more than ever. Her lips were pulled up into a grin as she was saying something. So so beautiful.

"-Hassan?"

I broke out of my daze and refocused on hearing what she was saying. What did she say?

"Can you repeat that?" I asked sheepishly as I started to rub her feet.

She has been complaining lately about her feet hurting. I try to rub them as much as I can.

"I was saying, how was the session with sam?"

"It was productive and he suggested I bring you along with me next week, are you up for that?"

"Of course babe, anything to help" She replied with a smile. I responded by giving her a soft grin.

"He asked about when we would go over for dinner too. Apparently Mariam has been asking"

"We should definitely go soon, I miss my girl" She said playfully with a pout, " And i'm sure you miss your bestie" She added in a teasing tone.

It's no secret I don't have many friends and the ones I have are in london so I have been a bit of a loner. But that's not really an issue because I have halimah. She likes to tease me on that alot.

"I thought we were each other's best friends," I said, feigning hurt as I paused in my foot rub.

Halimah's eyes widened in surprise, as she scooted closer, almost into my lap.

"Of course you are, baby. I was just teasing," she reassured me with a gentle smile.

"It's fine. I'll find a new one," I declared, rising from my seat and beginning to walk away.

"But... but," Halimah stuttered, her words trailing off as she struggled to find a response. As I entered the kitchen, I saw the tray of cookies that filled the air with it's deliciousness and reached for one when I heard a sniffle behind me. I turned around in confusion which quickly turned into amusement as I saw Halimah standing there, her eyes brimming with tears.

"W-what do you mean?" she asked, her voice laced with a hint of adorable pouting.

Halimah's mood swings always kept me on my toes, her emotions shifting with lightning speed. One moment she could be laughing, and the next, she'd have a frown on her face. It was both endearing and amusing to witness her reactions.

Unable to contain my amusement, I let out a chuckle as I pulled her into a hug. "I'm just playing, baby. You're my only best friend ," I assured her, planting a kiss on her forehead.

"I better be. You're only allowed one best friend, and that's me. You're welcome," she mumbled, hugging me back tightly as we shared a laugh.

As if I would ever want another best friend when everything I desired in a companion was embodied in her. She was not just my partner, but also my confidante, my source of laughter, and my pillar of support. In her, I found everything.

-

Hey😙

Wrote this in one sitting.

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