Chapter 13

Chloe

Chloe couldn't face Nash after what he'd seen. She had taken one step into the Elites building and rushed off as fast as she could towards the garden - the one area where none of the Elites occupied, and she went straight to the cherry blossom tree and hid under it, surrounded by millions of flowers that bloomed around her. Above her, sunlight shone across her in the glasshouse garden.

She sat crouched, her hands in her hair as she kept her eyes closed. Why? Why had she let Nash drive her home when she never wanted him to know what her life was like. All she could think of was the shock on his face at the sight of her dad and Chloe wished to purge the memory, to forget about what had happened and about Nash and everything, but she couldn't. All she could think about was Nash lately.

Her eyes rose to the cherry blossoms above her. She had been cruel to her dad, too. Once upstairs, she snapped at him, told him not to come down anymore, and her dad had shrunk back with shame. And Chloe wanted to cry at the sight. Because she knew what shame felt like - heavy, suffocating, and she made her dad feel the same way over things none of them could control.

Chloe sighed and pulled herself upright. She should go see the Elites. She should study, but she wanted nothing more than to disappear. She couldn't face Nash anymore. Not when she told him she could never let him into her life.

"Chloe?"

Chloe jolted. She whirled around to see Elijah walking towards her. He wore a white button up t-shirt and gray pants, and his hands were shoved into his pockets. His glasses reflected light and he wore a frown at the sight of her.

"Oh, hi," Chloe said, unsure of what to do. "Um, I should go... I guess."

"What's wrong?" Elijah asked. "You're crying."

Chloe raised her hand to her face, stunned by the tears that trailed down her cheeks. She hadn't realized she'd been crying and defeated, she sniffled, trying to keep herself together.

"Nothing," Chloe said. "What are you doing here?"

"I usually take walks here. I like being away... from everyone." Elijah shrugged. "What are you doing here? Hiding from the Elites? Or should I say, Nash."

He smiled, but Chloe didn't return it. She looked away at the sunflowers surrounding the tree.

"Oh, you are hiding from Nash." Elijah frowned. "Did something happen?"

Chloe didn't reply. She really didn't want to talk about it. She rarely enjoyed talking about her feelings and she wished Elijah would let her be. Nothing personal, but she didn't want to talk to anyone at that moment.

"You know, Nash will never admit it, but he cares about you. He's always had a soft spot for you and I'm sure this is killing him. Did he do something wrong?"

"No, he did nothing wrong," Chloe burst out, feeling her heart crack. "I'm the one who messed up. He's probably disgusted by me."

Elijah laughed. "Nash is the last person to judge. Or at least, should judge. If you're scared of him being mad at you, don't be. Nash isn't the type to hold grudges, so you should talk to him. It'll keep bothering you if you keep avoiding him."

Chloe said nothing. She stared at Elijah whose black curls blew back with the wind that slid through the door they'd left open.

"But maybe I'm ashamed," Chloe whispered.

"Of what?"

"Everything. But most of all..."

Myself. She didn't finish her sentence. She couldn't bare to come face to face with the obvious truth she fought so hard to keep stored away.

"Chloe, you're prefect. You-"

"I'm not perfect," Chloe said, suddenly annoyed with the word everyone kept throwing at her. Because it wasn't true - not with the life she'd been given. And she hated how that word kept being hurled at her as if being perfect meant she wasn't allowed to have any issues. "I hate how everyone thinks I am because my life is far from perfect and I wish everyone would just let me be. I'm trying so hard to just survive and no one understands that. No one gives me any space to just breathe."

Elijah stared at her, stunned and Chloe bit her lip. Tears flooded her eyes and that shame, that overwhelming sense of shame, poured over her like a raincloud that always hung over her head.

"I'm sorry if life hasn't been easy for you," Elijah said. "But if you need anything, you will always have the Elites to lean on for support. We're here for you, Chloe."

She didn't reply. Her heart felt so heavy and she hated how she had begun to snap at her friends. They didn't deserve that. They didn't deserve her.

"I want to be alone," Chloe whispered. "I'm sorry Elijah, but please just let me wallow by myself."

Elijah hesitated, seeming torn and Chloe waved him off. "Please Elijah. Just leave me alone."

Elijah sighed and turned around, walking towards the door before leaving the garden, and Chloe crouched down, facing the trunk of the cherry blossom tree. Above her the branches swayed and cherry blossoms fell around her. The garden was so beautiful, but she felt so miserable. She was just so tired and finally, the weight of what happened last summer was catching up to her. She just couldn't be strong anymore.

*****

Chloe unlocked her bike from the bike rack, ready to go home after a long day. She had successfully avoided Nash somehow, but she knew it wouldn't last forever. They had the same Calculus class tomorrow and she'd soon have to confront him. She debated on skipping class tomorrow; she wasn't ready to face him. Not when the shame was still heavy.

"Chloe!"

Chloe jolted at Nash's low voice. His feet slapped against the pavement as he ran over and Chloe pushed her bike away from the rack, about the hop on it, but Nash reached her. He kept walking closer and closer and Chloe gasped, moving back from the surprise of it until her back hit the brick wall of the Elites building. Nash put both his hands beside her head and leaned forward, caging her; his brown eyes on her and only her, and Chloe gulped. They'd never been so close.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Nash whispered, his voice pained.

"I'm not," Chloe squeaked out. "I need to go home though, so if you'd move, I'd appreciate that."

Nash searched her face. He looked absolutely crushed and Chloe wanted nothing more than to leave, but he was so close, trapping her in his arms, that she couldn't do anything but stare back.

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong yesterday, but I never wanted to hurt you," Nash whispered. "I'm sorry Chloe, but can we at least talk about it?"

Chloe shook her head vigorously. Tears threatened to flood her eyes and she pushed past Nash's arms, running towards her bike. Get out. She bit her lip, finding it hard to breathe. She needed to get away from Nash now.

"Duel me. Your choice. In any contest," Nash said, his voice cracking. He walked towards her as Chloe pushed up her bike brake. "Yell at me even, but don't avoid me. What's going on?"

Chloe paused. His voice was heavy with hurt and Chloe knew she should talk to him, show him she didn't hate him, but she couldn't. She was just so mortified by what happened that she just wanted to run away like she did whenever she was overwhelmed with emotions.

"Chloe, please," Nash said. "Why won't you let me in?"

Her eyes fluttered shut, remembering the way Nash asked her to let her in. She had rejected him despite her heart screaming at her to agree - to for once, lean on someone. And with him asking her again, she found herself torn. Because she was so tired. In so many ways, Chloe was exhausted.

"I'm so tired," Chloe whispered. "I'm sorry Nash, it's not you. I'm the problem here."

"Then let me help you," Nash said, moving close to her.

Chloe shook her head. Her shoulders drooped. She was done. She just needed to go home and Nash needed to get the message. Before she'd hurt him more, Chloe had to shove him away.

"I don't want to participate in these contests anymore," Chloe said, finally meeting his eyes. She mustered up her meanest look, making Nash freeze. "So just leave me alone, Nash. I know you don't care."

"Why?" Nash whispered. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, but I'm done with you. I never enjoyed our contests and they were wasting my time, so please, Nash. Just leave me alone. You know you'll never beat me anyways, so just accept that and stop bothering me."

Nash winced, his eyes widening in the process. The innocence in his expression rocked Chloe; he looked like a kicked puppy and she pulled her eyes away. She was sure Nash would give up on her. She didn't know why he was so fascinated with her in the first place, but this had to be the last straw. He had to realize she was not worth it. No one deserved to be dragged into her life.

"I'm sorry, Chloe," Nash said. "I..."

He drifted off and Chloe pushed forward on her bike, riding away. She didn't want to know what else Nash would say. She just wanted to be alone with her dad and worry about nothing else but them. Because she didn't have time for friendships or people like Nash who confused her. Not when she was a caregiver at nineteen.