Memories Part 4

A/N- TRIGGER WARNING! I'm usually bad about trigger warnings (I apologize for that) but this one has trigger warnings for self harm. I'll put where it is if you want to skip it. Take care of yourselves guys. Love y'all.

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Singh came out of the memory with a smile. It was the first entry that didn't make David's blood boil or heart break.

With that, Singh got out of the car and headed inside of STAR labs. Walking inside, he looked around the empty building. It was eerie feeling and he didn't like it.

"Hello?" He called out. "Hello?"

He heard a crash and someone cursing before a latino boy came towards him.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"I'm Captain Singh, I'm here to see Barry Allen."

Realization dawned on the boy's face. "I'm Cisco Ramon. You can follow me, I'll show you where he is." He led Singh to a central room. Barry was laying in a bed, comatose.

Cisco left, and Singh walked towards Barry, journal in hand.

"Hey Allen," Singh said.

There was a long pause before he decided to speak again.

"I'm so sorry. For everything that's happened to you. And for looking at your journal." He huffed. "This isn't right! You're the happiest, nicest, most wonderful kid that's ever walked the earth. Why do you keep getting the worst end of the bargain?"

Singh shook his head, "I admire you kid. You've got some real grit in you. You had better wake up Barry or I swear to god I will fire your sorry ass."

David let out a wet, sorrowful laugh. Then he made his leave.

Pulling into his driveway, Singh rested his head on the steering wheel. He still wasn't sure what was happening or why it was happening. All he knew for sure was that he had the ability to see peoples' memories (or at least Barry's, he hadn't tried anyone else), and that Barry was the most admirable person he'd ever met. And that he wanted to wrap Barry in a protective hug and never let him go ever again.

"For the love of god," David muttered, "when did I become such a softie?"

***** LINE BREAK *****

Days came and went and each day Singh would read some more entries. The entries started out still painful and heart wrenching, but gradually became happier as the months waged on. There were still entries about how he missed his parents and how much he detested Tony Woodward and his goons, but overall they were much more light hearted.

Until he turned 15.

October 17, 2003 - age 15

I hate school. I hate it all. I don't even care. My grades have been slipping, but I can't bring myself to give a damn. Lately my attitude has just been 'screw it'. But I just really do not care.

"Barry Allen!" a very angry Joe yelled.

It was quite frankly frightening.

But all Singh was feeling from Barry was annoyance and... nothing. Which scared him more.

"What Joe." Barry snapped.

"What's with your grades young man?"

"Why do you care? It's not like I'm the only kid to ever get a low grade." Barry folded his arms.

"Low grade?" Joe hollered, "Barry, you were a strait A student and you are getting D's. And in classes I know you are good at!" His voice softened, "It's not like you Barry."

Barry rolled his eyes, "Well whatever. Are you gonna ground me?"

Joe scoffed, slightly unbelieving, "You better bet you're grounded mister. No TV, electronics, or recreational reading for the next two months."

All Barry did was raise an eyebrow and walk to his room. He came back and handed Joe his computer.

Singh swallowed hard coming out of the memory. That couldn't have been Barry. He was so... not Barry.

Filled with dread and anxiety, he flipped to the next entry.

***** TRIGGER START *****

January 26, 2004 - age 15

I hate my life. I finally was feeling happy again, dating Becky Cooper. Turns out, she just dated me on a dare. She didn't even like me a little. F*$# my life. I hate it hate it hate it. It just hurts so much. I'm so tired. I suppose the pain is better than nothingness I'm used to feeling. I guess that's why...

The rest of the sentence was scribbled out.

Barry was laying on his bed, face down.

Hours passed and Barry didn't move.

Joe and Iris both knocked on his door and tried to get him to eat stuff but each time he refused.

Eventually, Joe and Iris went to sleep. And Barry got out of bed.

Singh gasped at Barry's tear stained face and emotionless eyes. But the actually empty feeling was unnerving.

Barry walked softly to the bathroom and locked the door.

David felt a tad bit of adrenaline course through Barry. And that... concerned him. He became even more concerned when Barry pulled out a razor.

Singh shook his head. "Please no," he whispered, "please don't Barry."

Barry took a deep breath and slid the razor across his upper arm, never his forearm for fear of being caught. Bursts of pain went through Barry with each cut. Each cut seemed to cut at Singh's heart.

"Barry..." Singh said, covering his mouth.

***** TRIGGER END *****

Singh was pulled out of the memory and nearly threw up. He couldn't fathom that Barry would do that to himself. It hurt his heart and he wished that he could just take away all of Barry's pain.

David shut the journal with a snap and shook his head.

"Oh Barry..."

***** LINE BREAK *****

Singh couldn't bring himself to read anymore for the next few days. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to see.

But after the third day, he opened the journal back up. Singh swallowed hard, dreading what he might find.

And with good reason.

***** TRIGGER START *****

March 18, 2004 - age 15

Today is the 5 year anniversary of mom's death. I wish I was dead. My mom would be so disappointed with me. I hate myself. I want to die.

Barry stared blankly at his journal.

Singh nearly puked at the sheer lack of... anything.

Beside Barry was a list of ways he might kill himself.

Hanging

Overdose

Slit wrists

Car "accident"

Jumping

Singh's face drained of color.

His breathing quickened as Barry studied the list. Slowly, he crossed off "overdose". Then he crossed off "hanging".  Then he crossed off "car accident". He sat there pondering "slit wrists" and "jumping".

He crossed of neither.

He folded the paper and put it in his pocket. He walked to the bathroom and put the razor in his pocket too. Then he went downstairs.

"I'm going to the Library!" Barry hollered.

"Be home by 5:30 please," Joe said.

"'Kay," Barry muttered.

The memory changed and Barry was standing at the edge of a bridge, looking over a small river. Below was a long fall onto many pointy rocks.

Barry looked over the view. It was beautiful. The sun was setting and the oranges and reds created a breathtaking sunset.

Barry set the razor on the rail, took out his paper, and crossed off "slit wrists".

He took a deep breath.

"Barry..." David choked out.

Barry let go.

"Barry!" Someone yelled, snatching Barry's hand. It was Joe.

"Let go of me!" Barry yelled.

"Barry, please."

"No!" Barry yelled.

"I'm sorry, I won't let you go Barry." Joe said.

"No!" Barry yelled.

He yanked his hand free of Joe's.

"No!" David yelled, at the same time as Joe.

Barry hit the rocks below.

***** TRIGGER END *****

Singh raced to the bathroom and threw up.

He had to constantly tell himself that Barry was okay. But he wasn't. Barry was in a coma.

Singh threw up again.

If Barry ever woke up... David was never going to let him out of his sight.

AND WILL BE FURTHER CONTINUED...

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A/N- Holy crap that was dark. Again, sorry that I'm so bad about trigger warnings. If there are any previous chapters that you think need them, please let me know and I'll go fix it.

I love y'all so much. Please take care of yourselves.

Three chapters in one day (for me at least - looking at you guys who are up till two am) Wowzers! And more to come! Gotta love Spring break!

Love y'all! :)