Chapter 21

Nathan

This is really odd, and it’s starting to scare me.

Why am I feeling all these emotions? I don’t know when they started but for some reason whenever Ryder touches me, my heart feels all jittery and my stomach twists and plunges down to the earth’s core. Maybe I’m just touch-deprived. Or maybe. . .this is the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ that everyone’s talking about. The one about their crush.

Crush? Ryder?

I mean, he’s nice and kind and very attractive and . . .

“What’s crackalackin?” Mae greets me at my locker while I close it, interrupting my thoughts. “Penny for your thoughts, if you don’t mind?” she asks, looking at me questioningly.

I sigh as we walk together to Geography class. “I. . .” like Ryder? I tug at my sweater sleeves anxiously. “How do you know if you like someone?” I change gears and whisper to her, bending down to reach her ear.

“Well,” she begins, “if you get crazy butterflies in your stomach and blush like mad whenever they’re around.”

Check.

“If something as small as them smiling sweetly at you can make you go giddy with feels.”

Check.

“If you wanna dive into a rabbit hole of eternal happiness whenever they touch you or laugh or do absolutely anything with you.”

Check.

“Okay. . .but do all of that still apply if the person is a guy?” I ask.

Mae nods. “Yeah. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s like that for anyone. Love is love, bro.”

I walk silently beside her, taking this all in. Wait, is it actually possible that I like Ryder?

“Wait, you like boys?” Mae asks a beat too late.

I scratch my cheek awkwardly. “Uh. . .I suppose. . .” I mumble. “I, uh, like Ryder?”

“Holy mother trucker, dude.” She bounces excitedly as she walks. “Oh my god, my OTP is going to be canon and my ship is gonna sail! Hell, this is finally happening! All my fanfics are paying off!” she squeals.

I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about. Nada, zilch, zip. “I don’t, uh, think it's possible, though,” I interrupt her banter. “Me liking him. I mean, it’s odd, isn’t it?”

Mae’s amber eyes widen. “What?” She gasps. “Man, my bro. Have you ever heard of the term ‘gay’?”

"Well. . ."

“Being attracted to the same gender? Boy likes boy or girl likes girl?” she supplies. “Although that's not only it; there are other labels too. . ."

“Oh.”

Everything’s starting to make sense now. Why girls didn’t really have an effect on me. Why my eyes tend to travel to the sports guys after they finish their practice - their muscles glistening with sweat elicited an odd feeling in me. Why I tend to be more anxious around boys. I’ve brushed this all away a long time ago, thinking that I was just merely ‘observant’ or ‘socially awkward’.

Turns out I might actually be gay. Welp, Google here we go.

Mae interrupts my revelation. “Wait you didn’t know that was? For real?” she asks, her voice rising, and I nod. “But you’re a Tumblr boy! Surely you’ve come across this, no?”

“My dashboard’s just filled with book recommendations and other boring stuff,” I say, embarrassed.

Mae shakes her head sadly. “Man, you’re hella smart but oblivious.”

“I’m not,” I counter.

“Really? Take Sinclair and Vahn for example, they’re literally a couple.”

“I thought they were just really good friends.”

Then, Mae cackles like a witch as we reach the classroom and take our seats together. I avoid the questionable glances from our classmates.

“Man, I’ve never met anyone so dense!” she says while setting up her desk. She has a specific way of doing it, by order; pencil case on the top left corner, notebook (horizontally) on the top right, and textbook in the middle. She does this every time. I don’t mind, though.

I rest my arms on my desk and bury my head into them, careful not to get my glasses smooshed. I miss being in Ryder’s warm embrace now. I like it when he does the thing where he nuzzles his head in my neck and just leans on my shoulder even though he’s taller than me. It’s very comforting.

“Anyways, welcome to the community, fam,” says Mae as our Geography teacher walks into the class. “I know it’s a little confusing - and maybe scary - at first, but it’s alright. As a queer-and-also-autistic person, I've been in your place before.”

*

I call Cole in the evening. I need to tell someone else about my discovery too. He picks up on the second ring.

“Greetings, smartass!” he says.

“Salutations, slowpoke,” I reply. This is how we usually greet each other.

“What’s the sitch?”

I decide to go straight to the point. “I, uh. . .I like someone.”

“Really? Oh my god, I- I never knew this day would come! Look at my baby bro, so grown up now.” He starts to fake-cry.

“Shut up, Cole. You’re only two years older than me.”

He ignores me as usual. “Come,” he says seriously, “tell me who she is. Is she nice? Is she cute? What’s her name?”

I sigh. Here it goes. “His name is Ryder.”

The silence is unbearable. It takes a long while for him to digest what I’ve just said (hence the nickname). “Oh my god.” He finally breathes. “Holy shit! You’re gay?”

“Um, yeah, I suppose. . . I’m still going to do some research, though.”

“Congrats bro! Oh my god, I’m so goddamn happy for you!”

I smile. “Thanks, uh. . . me too?”

Cole laughs. “Anyway, tell me more about him. How did you two meet?” He gets all serious again.

So I tell him everything. I tell him about Ryder, the project, the library, the bake date and the mall yesterday. I tell him how I felt around Ryder, how the feeling grew bigger and more persistent as the days go, and Cole doesn’t interrupt as I talk (which is, like, unusual for him).

“N, you better keep him. He sounds worthy,” he says as soon as I finish. “And I’m judging by that sole detail - the bake thing - okay? Because, as a straight man, I have to say that’s cute, not gonna lie.”

I laugh. “Okay.”

Then his tone suddenly changes. "The fuck do you want?" he snaps. "What? Mind your own business, dickhead."

"What's wrong?" He rarely curses, unless he’s really ticked off.

Cole sighs. "It's Mateo. He's pissing me off again. Bitch can't stop staring." Then he shouts at someone, "Yeah. I mean you!"

That's Mateo D'Angelo, Cole's longtime rival. He was in Cole’s high school and he somehow ended up being in the same college as him. Cole used to be bullied by Mateo and his henchmen (sometimes pretty badly that he skips school) - calling him names and making fun of his acne, pranking him, leaving nasty things in his locker - but now things are more civil between Cole and Mateo. They’re just snapping at each other.

Oh, and they’re dorm mates, too. But Mateo can’t stand being in the same room as Cole so he’s usually not there, which is good for Cole. (Unfortunately, Mateo seems to be there today.)

“Did you tell mom and dad yet?” Cole returns to me, malice leaving his voice.

“Nope. Should I?”

“I don’t know, N,” Cole says, “maybe when you’re ready? I’m not sure how they’ll take it, though.”

“Oh. . . okay.”

“Listen, N, I gotta go now. All the best, little man!”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” I mutter and he laughs at me dismissively. We say our goodbyes and the line goes dead. I flump down on my bed.

Suddenly a little thought gnaws at my brain: will Ryder like me back?

I sit up immediately, then I bury my head in my hands. Oh man, I don’t think- I mean, he’s way out of my league. He’s tall, good-looking, smart, kind, and brave . . .

I get up and look at myself in the mirror. I’m currently wearing a loose t-shirt that hangs over my drooped shoulders like a tent. I look so small and frail. I touch my messy dark orange hair. It’s such an ugly colour. I look at my eyes behind my glasses, big and ever-changing. I look like I’m perpetually surprised and scared. I look at the freckles that populate my whole body. There’s so much of them that they make my skin look muddy. I look at my body. There’s nothing appealing to it, unlike Ryder’s nice and muscly one. I sit on the floor and bring my knees to my chest, making myself smaller.

I’m not that tall, not that good-looking, not that funny, not that fit. . . I’m just not that.

I feel like crying.

__________________

Yes he is absolutely dense well done ✨

SO,,, NATHAN FINALLY ADMITS HE LIKES RYDER, HUH?? WELL, LET'S SEE HOW THIS ALL TURNS OUT!!!!

So yeah, if yall haven't read the tags, slowburn is included there so please bear with the sheer density of Nathan Adler and the awkward simping of Ryder Dela Cruz thank you. I must yeet away now 🏃‍♂️🤸‍♂️✨

So,,,,, Cole and Mateo huh 👀👀

Guess what I'm thinking of writing a book about them (I'm in the plot brainstorming/random scene writing bit now)

If yall want, I can put up a few sceeenshots of what I've written so far in next week's chapter (IF yall want :D)

Yo I love reading all of yalls comments they make my day 😭❤️

Stay safe✨