Chapter 20

Ryder

Who knew mall trips would be fun?

I mean, technically speaking, I've been to the mall with the boys lots of times before. They're fun too but this is different because of Mae. Maybe it's just because she's a girl and I've never actually gone out with one to a mall. (Are girls usually like this?) Anyway, it's never boring with her around. It's like she has a shit-ton of energy condensed into her tiny body - she's literally energy itself.

We're probably a public nuisance but I don't care. Nathan stopped all of us once at a gift shop to buy a small unicorn plush. He told us he promised to get a unicorn for his sister. I can't tell what's cuter: the fact that he buys things for his sister or him searching for the cutest plush unicorn.

We had just come out of H&M when Mae squeals and runs toward someone. I can't make out the other person but I can see them hugging each other. They make their way towards us, with Mae clinging to the other's arm, and I can see the girl clearly now.

Pretty tall, with short fiery red hair, icy blue eyes and carefully done eyeliner. She's wearing a loose black button-up with tiny dinosaur prints on it, grey gingham pants and a pair of polished Doc Martens.

"Everyone, this is Connor. Con, this is everyone," Mae says to us.

Connor grins. "Hello, y'all. Connor here, your average space enthusiast. My pronouns are they/them."

"Hiya, Connor! I'm Nick. Pronouns are he/him," says Nick.

"Ryder, he/him," I say.

Nathan waves. "Hi, I'm Nathan. Uh, he/him."

Connor flicks their gaze between Nathan and me for a second, pursing their lips in thought. Then, they smile and say, "So, you guys aren't exhausted by Mae yet?"

I smirk. "Just a little bit, to be honest."

"I suggest y'all beware of her when she's angry," Connor stage-whispers. "This girl can roast your ass better than a hot oven."

Mae looks at them blankly. "Is that a good thing?"

"Yeah, 'cause you're an absolute queen," they reply with a soft smile.

She grins and squeezes their hand. "Oh, thanks!"

Then, we start walking again; Nick, Connor and Mae are walking together - passionately talking about Bigfoot or something - while Nathan and I lag behind. Neither of us is talking - it's one of those comfortable silences where none of us has to speak. Occasionally, our hands would brush and I'd pretend not to notice, even though my brain is turning into mush.

"Um, Ryder?" Nathan asks after a while. "Do you have a happy place?"

Well, that's out of the blue. "Hm?"

"I mean, do you have a place to go to be happy or to de-stress?"

I think about it. "Not really. I just go to my room, listen to music, and that's it, I guess. What about you?"

He smiles shyly. "There's, um, this park a couple of blocks away from my house. Sometimes I'd go there just to walk around and take everything in. I'd look at the children playing, their parents talking, skaters skateboarding, birds flying. . . and it brings me peace that everyone's happy. I want everyone to be happy too."

"You should start small, then. Make a stranger's day or something."

Nathan looks at me. "I want you to be happy."

I wasn't prepared for that. I gulp and look away, my face burning. "I- I am happy."

"But I can tell something's holding you back. Something's preventing you from being fully happy."

That's true. All of this was just a pretence; the easy jokes, the constant smiling, the fake confidence. As much as I want to free myself from my dad's grasp and hold on to Nathan, I can't. I have no control of this. I have no control over myself or the thoughts that surrounded me for years. My throat closes up.

"I want to help you. Even though I don't know how to, I'm going to try my best."

Without warning, I'm brought back to my childhood. The cold, dark closet I was roughly shoved into for my punishment. The multiple welts on my body left by my dad's belt. The long sleepless nights I had, thinking of whether I'd make it out alive in that house. Whether there's such a thing as being happy and free.

Happiness. A feeling I didn't know that existed until Nathan.

With him, all my problems disappear like a fire extinguishing. All the doubts I have are gone in an instant. His infectious smile lights the dark corners of my mind. He makes me feel safe. Like I'm untouchable from whatever harm there is.

You know I'll always be here. You can't get rid of me. You can't-

Shut the fuck up.

I want to be free. I want to live. I want to start over.

"T-thank you," I choke out, swallowing the lump in my throat. I'm not going to cry, not in front of all these strangers.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry," Nathan says, panicked. "I didn't mean to make you cry, I- "

I give him a weak smile. "Don't be. I needed that."

He nods and gives me a small smile in return. Then, my eyes travel to his lips for a millisecond but something else distracts me.

"Nate, watch out- " I start but my body reacts faster than my brain.

My arms suddenly shoot out and grab him by his waist. I press him to me and steady him. Nathan slacks against me and we look at each other. I can feel his heart beating as fast as mine. The 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign lies at our feet, knocked over. I look at his glowing magenta eyes and the pink that's starting to blossom on his freckled face.

My brain starts to do that spinner loading thing on videos.

"You really need to stop falling for me, Nate," I say before I can stop myself.

I hear a couple of shouts ahead of us and I snap out of my trance. I glare (out of reflex) at Nick, Connor and Mae who are whistling and whooping. Then, I remember what just happened and I almost drop Nathan in shock. Slowly and carefully, I release my arms from him and he straightens his glasses.

"Oh. . .um, I'm sorry," he mumbles.

Holy shit. Did I really just say that? "I. . . That was- uh, just forget that I even said that."

Oh god, I want to crawl into a hole and disappear right now. I force myself to look everywhere but him. That was so embarrassing, I want to cry. I fight the urge to cover my face again like an idiot.

The trio comes towards us and Nick claps my back. "You're like a knight in shining armour, bro," he says.

Mae jumps in, grinning madly. "Mother trucker, dude. That was hella smooth!"

"I hate you both." I scowl at them. I'm seriously thinking of selling them both off at craigslist but I'm also low-key glad for the distraction. Nick ruffles my hair while Mae howls with laughter (she laughs like a hyena).

Connor asks Nathan, "Hey, you alright?" He nods. "Well, you should look where you're going next time," they say as they catch my eyes. Then, they give me a knowing smile.

Why is everyone like this?

*

A few hours pass and it's time for everyone to go home. We're all tired, our feet are sore from walking so much - and so are our backs. Connor goes off first, hugging Mae before saying "Peace out!" to the rest of us. Then, Mae and the rest offered to walk me home but I refused; I'm going to take the long way home to be alone with my thoughts.

But before I leave, I have to do something. I go to Nick and give him his goodbye hug, of course. Then, Mae bounces excitedly.

"Ooh, I want a hug too!" she says. So I give her one.

I laugh. "Oh my god, you're so short!" I blurt out. God, why am I impulsively saying everything out loud today?

"Don't I know that." She grins.

Phew. I thought she was going to attack me for that. I learnt to not talk about short people's height the hard way. (Sin literally jumped on me and attempted to headlock me in a fit of anger once in grade 8. God, that was scary as shit; but in hindsight, I can't help but laugh about how he went all feral.)

Mae pats my back twice, lets go and shoots finger guns at me. I smile and give her an awkward thumbs up, unsure of how to respond to that. I've hugged everyone. Well, everyone except. . .

I look at Nathan and he looks curiously at me. I open my arms and walk to him, engulfing him in my embrace. Nathan relaxes immediately and he wraps his arms around me. I breathe in his comforting coffee scent. I can stay like this forever.

"Thank you," I say into his neck and his arms tighten around me.

________________

So I said I won't put Honey and Spice art here before I'm officially done with the book.

Well I lied.

Feast your eyes on CONNOR AND MAE'S CHARACTER ART!!!!

I'm gonna post a clearer pic of both of them on my Insta in a few hours wkkwk I'm panicking no context needed bye 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

Edit: it is up on my instagram account :D

Edit #2: FYI, Mae's flag is the omnisexual flag, and Connor's is the trixic flag.

Anyways stay safe and hydrated folks. If anyone needs a listening ear, my dms are always open ❤️✨