12: Håkon's Dilemma

HÅKON

Rocket playing goalie when there's no pressure on him to stop anything is the most dramatic over the top very-Rocket thing I've ever seen. It's hilarious. Every chance he's got he's down in a split or rolling over or making dramatic diving glove saves. I'm worried he's going to get injured he's being so dramatic.

I'm in love with him.

I'm so painfully in love with him I don't think I could survive a single day without that dumb laugh roaring out of him.

And it's breaking the fuck out of my heart.

I toss a puck up at his top corner and he makes a huge show of dropping down and blocking it with just the tip of his stick.

Svea catches him off guard with a shot that dribbles between his legs, slug pace.

"I should copy that trick." I mumble. "Nobody expects me to shoot it that slowly."

She laughs, then looks up at me while I'm watching Rocket. "You look like you've got a lot going on up top."

I nod. "More than normal."

"Need to vent?"

I glance down at her, then, carefully to keep Rocket out of earshot. "Where would a gay guy be without his lesbian ex-girlfriend, huh?"

She lets out a burst of laughter. "Where would a lesbian be without her gay professional ice hockey player ex-boyfriend."

I just shake my head, letting out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, I need to vent. I would go over everything with Isa but she's up to her ears in wedding planning, I'd rather not burden her with anything else."

"Well, I'm not getting married, so," she glances around, catching her girlfriend, who did, in fact, play high league hockey out here and is giving Rocket a run for his money, though, he's only losing because he has to be all dramatic about it, by the sleeve.

Then, in Swedish: "Baby, I'm taking him for a walk, he's got a lot on his head, keep his boyfriend and the guys distracted for a while, I guess."

"Yeah, no problem," she responds. "I'll spark up a scrimmage. Wilhelm and Hugo are probably going to be on-board with that."

"Yeah, good idea, love you."

"Love you too." She responds before taking another pass at a pro goaltender, testing her luck.

I'm in a helmet and gloves, Rocket got most of the way dressed, spare a few steps, knowing everyone was going to take it easy on him, and the rest of everyone is in the same state I am, helmet, gloves, skates.

Svea gets me most of the way off the ice before nailing me with: "You love him, don't you."

I swallow hard, untying my skates and pulling them off. "Yeah, I'm stupid in love with him."

"S'what I thought," she responds. "But you haven't told him because you're a wuss."

"I'm not a wuss," I respond, slightly offended, slightly laughing. "We've been weird for a couple weeks, I can't figure it out."

"That's the whole issue?" She finishes getting her skates off, slipping her feet back into her boots.

"Kinda," I sigh. "I mean, it's a lot right now with me in this particular stage in my life and him being who he is and how, it's, things are just really really weird. I wish I could push off the wedding, give the two of us more time to acclimate to whatever new dynamic is happening right now."

She nods, standing up. I stand up after her, sleeping my hands into my pockets. "So what's going on with all of it?"

I nod toward the door of the rink, this needs to happen as far away from Rocket as humanly possible. I can't even risk him overhearing anything, Swedish or not.

The second the doors shut behind us and I'm in the bright sun again, I let out a breath. "He's been weird."

"What about?"

I clear my throat. "Firstly, just to kinda, set a stage, he doesn't do well with overly stressful situations, playoffs put a lot of stress on our relationship and I think we're both still a little strung out from it. He handles stress in a way I don't understand, he's not, god, what's the word? Neuro, neuro something? He has ADHD."

"Neurotypical." she offers.

"That's it. He's not neurotypical and I am as far as I know, so he handles stress differently, in ways I don't really understand. I really try to because I love him and I need to understand that and what causes that stress because sometimes it comes out of nowhere." I kick a little rock. "There was one instance during playoffs, the break between Chigaco and the second series, he sprained his gloveside wrist, three day break, we were on a weird note because of the stress and the simple nature of how we have to keep our relationship, it's just, truly, a mess on that front."

"How do you even do that? I'd go insane."

I puff out my cheeks. "We have a little system, it's, I dunno it's kinda cute and fun but really really important. One tap means no, two means yes, three is just asking anything and four, at the start, means I wish we could be public here, but now, at least to me, it means I love you."

She makes a little swoony noise. "That's adorable."

"Yeah," I mumble.

"So what happened with the wrist?"

I shrug. "I'm still not sure. We were getting snippy with each other, so I started backing off, letting us have space from each other, forcing us to, really. It was getting unhealthy for our relationship to be around each other while so stressed from playoffs, it wasn't going to turn out well. So we backed away for a while until the night after he sprained that wrist. He was a wreck, tics, shakes, looked like he wanted to rip his hair out, clearly in pain from work and from whatever was going on in his head, but, again, I still don't know. What I do know is that he came in and he settled down on my chest and he pressed his ear hard enough to my chest I thought he was going to break my ribs, and he calmed down."

She looks over at me. "He was listening to your heartbeat, wasn't he?"

I nod. "I think so. It happened again. I told you that Isa and her friends managed to get us in Norway last weekend, we were allowed to be a couple in public and I, frankly, I loved it, if that's what it's like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It doesn't matter, we got drunk with them, went clubbing, you know the whole deal, I-"

"You can tell me every detail, it's not like I've got feelings for you, bud and it's definitely not like I'm innocent. I've seen your dick. Several times. Multiple occasions." She can't stop the giggle that comes out at the end. I have to laugh too.

"God," I mumble. "Yeah, okay, we got just about as far as we've been getting, just as far as we got on the very first night and then basically whenever we can since then, which, with work, isn't all that much."

"So, I don't know what that means, but I'm guessing is just everything but any form of penetrative sex."

I turn pink around the ears. "Yeah, just about." I mumble. "We did that, fell asleep, woke up all hungover because getting just tipsy in Norway is a waste of money." She recognizes the phrase and laughs. "Yeah, we uh, then we went to get coffee with the girls and Leo and it was going fine, hungover, but fine, until he, I'm not even sure, he touched the unglazed part of the cup he was holding? I know sometimes ADHD can make it so some textures are worse, I think he's talked about it briefly with me, but, he got really weird, started ticking, shaking his legs, got all pale and twitchy. I hated it, I had no idea what was going on, no way to stop it, I could clearly see he was in extreme discomfort but I didn't know why and I love him so my immediate reaction was to try to fix it."

"Has he done that around you before?"

"No, just the wrist, he's ticked around me, but he gets tics when he's exhausted, a neck crunch, eye twitch, wrist thing, I know his tics pretty well." I puff out my cheeks. "This was way different. He had to excuse himself to the bathroom and I followed him, fuck it if the girls think we snuck off to suck each other off or whatever and the next, but, I was worried. He let me in, only to do the same thing he did when he had the wrist injury, pressed his head to my chest and plugged his other ear."

She takes a moment with that. "Sounds like he's using you as a grounding force. Listening to your heartbeat is a constant, it's steady and even and rhythmic, his brain will need that after whatever was going on. I know nothing about ADHD, but, that sounds like what that is."

I nod. "Yeah, it would be fine, really, I can handle him using me to calm himself down, hell, I want him to, I need him to, I like being helpful in any way I can. It's just, he hasn't told me anything about what it is, what causes it, anything. He shuts down when I ask and you know the internet is rather unhelpful with this type of stuff. He's making himself do all of it alone, and clearly there's too much for him sometimes, and he won't even tell me the first thing about it. I can't help but feel a little... I dunno,"

"Violated?" She offers. "He knows everything that's happened with you and he hasn't even told you details on his ADHD, which, I feel like, should be important, it's changing your relationship dynamic."

I nod. "Violated is good. Invalidated, that works too. It's just weird, a lot of stuff with us. I'm in love with him but I'm not sure he feels like that back, if he is, he's not doing a good job of verbalizing it, and on top of all of that, he's been putting a weight on me to have sex."

She goes quiet.

"I can't shake the feeling we don't fit, I'm beyond in love with him, but I can't shake the feeling out that he's... not."

She puffs out her cheeks. "Tell me the nature of the pressuring, you know, for sex."

"Just, he's never done any of it before and I'm starting to think he only wants it because he wants to tell people he has. I don't know who, but. I think he just wants to have sex with me to say he's had sex. I want to have sex with him because, I dunno, I just, I want to do that with him."

Svea thinks on that for a couple of moments before hitting me with: "I was the same way."

"What?"

"Yeah, maybe not the exact same, considering I had you first, and however uncomfortable and awful that was, it was still experience, but when I first got with Maja it was all I really thought about for a while, I mean, we had been friends for a really long time before sealing that up, but I was absolutely done with my lack of experience, felt like I wasn't a true adult, you know? I feel like he's going through the same thing. It's just showing that he's really comfortable with you and wants that with you. I wouldn't have acted like that if it weren't Maja and clearly he hasn't been desperate for that step with anyone but you, otherwise he would've gotten around to it already, gotten drunk and just done it, you know." She clears her throat. "What I'm trying to get at is that it's coming off weird from him just the same as it did from me to Maja but he means well and he's really really comfortable with you."

I sigh. "I just, I can't shake the feeling he's not as invested in this as I am."

"Yeah, I understand where that's coming from."

"Mhmm."

She pulls in a breath. "I think you guys will work it out, I've not known him for too long but I've known you and you've never been like this for anyone, so I assume it's going to work out. But, you need to talk to him. I know you're not confrontational unless you're sparking a fight, but you need to sit him down and talk. Before you have sex with him. Please, god, before you have sex with him. So like, today."

I stare at her. "What am I gonna say?"

"All of that you just told me," she waves in my direction. "Everything. Don't leave out that you love him."