35: I'm Glad You Were My First, Håkon. Anyone Would Be.

HELEN STOJANOVIČ

So, you know, I'm going to be attending a wedding in the future. Not every day your all bubbly takes-nothing-seriously gay son ends up laying in your lap crying his eyes out over his crush not having experienced love before.

It's adorable in a way that makes me feel very old. Now I just wish he'd suck it up and tell HÃ¥kon. I absolutely adore HÃ¥kon. He's big, friendly, and wouldn't hurt a fly. Yes, he's got attachment issues and childhood trauma, but he's sweet.

"Now, honey, suck it up and please tell him you want to date him." I tell him in Czech. His Czech skills are getting a little rusty from spending all his time around native english speakers (and a native swede) so he's developing a Canadian Czech accent.

"Mm, fine." He mumbles. "Can you make me some tea?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Are you pouting so I make you cinnamon tea?"

He nods. I won't ever tell him this, not after what his father did to him, but he's a spitting image of the man I married 26 years ago. I just hope Roman is nothing like his father as well. I wanted to take him with us so badly, but I didn't have to worry about custody cases with Miloš, I did with his brother.

"Fine, I'll make you tea."

HÅKON

I stare at the door for about five minutes straight after he leaves. Everything about that was weird. I mentioned dating and it's like his brain shut off and then he was gone.

But he brought up a good point, I've been meaning to contact Svea for weeks and I guess that was the shove I needed, because before I know what I'm doing, I've sent a text.

HÅKON: hey, is this still Svea's number? It's Rexy, text back if you get a chance.

Awkward, at best.

The longer I stare at the text the more of a wreck it becomes. What are the chances she'll remember me by my high school nickname over my regular name? Probably none, right?

Wrong. My phone goes off within ten minutes.

SVEA: Rexy? It's been years! How are you? What's up?

HÅKON: uh, pretty alright, is it okay if I give you a call?

SVEA: you're freakin' me out a little, but yeah, of course

She's the one that calls me and it takes me a second to register spoken Swedish.

"Rexy! What's up? Why did you want to call me?"

I press my hands into my face, this was a mistake. "I, alright, uh, it's weird and, ah, god, this is awkward."

"I know you've never been good at speaking your mind, but spit it out, I'm not going to be mad."

I let out a very nervous laugh. She might be and that's the problem. "Listen, I just," oh lord. "I wanted to apologize for being shitty to you in high school, I know it's been literally ten years but it's been weighing on me forever, even when we were actually dating. I, ah, just, I just needed my parents to back off me and dating someone seemed like a good solution but it was really selfish of me-"

She stops my ramble. "Where are you going with this?"

"I'm gay." I blurt, then slap my hand over my mouth. I just said that.

"Ohhhhh," she says, then laughs. "Oh, HÃ¥kon, I, oh, oh my gosh that makes sense."

"Sorry." I mumble. "I acted like I was tired whenever you wanted to do something like that with me."

"HÃ¥kon, shh, I don't care." She laughs. "I really really don't. I might've cared a little back then but I definitely don't now. You clearly cared a lot about me and that's all that mattered. But I have to ask, why now. We're, well, I'm out of college, you're in another country, it's quite literally been years."

I clear my throat. "I met a guy that made it impossible to ignore any longer."

"Awh," she lets out a little laugh. "Well, you'll be proud to know that I came out to all my friends as bisexual about a year ago and have now moved in with my girlfriend."

I can't help the laugh that bubbles out. "You too?"

"Yeah, turns out that gay people tend to unintentionally flock together. Probably why I ended up with you in the first place."

"That's what my boy- Miloš says." I clear my throat. "I'm not sure if he counts as my boyfriend yet."

"Yeah, what's going on with that deal? Impossible to ignore, huh?"

I just shake my head. "Do you know the roster of my team?"

"Somewhat. I didn't just completely forget about you, you know."

"Do you know the name of my backup goalie?"

"Yeah, Stojanovič."

"That's the guy." I mumble under my breath. "He took a quick liking to me at the beginning of the season, I don't know why, he just seemed to like my existence and from there we got close, probably the closest friend I've had since you. We got drunk toward Christmas time and he came out to me then. Two days later we're burning a batch of cookies because we're making out in my kitchen."

"See, that's cute." She laughs. "Why doesn't he count as your boyfriend? It's the middle of February, that was a month and a half ago."

"Uh, he broke up with me basically a day later. Said I wasn't ready and I definitely wasn't. He's the third person I've ever told officially, sixth in total. Hell, I couldn't even say the word. It's a lot better now, but we still haven't agreed on dating."

"Coming out to yourself is the hardest part. Especially for people like you and I. We were raised in that hellish catholic school environment where our very existence was a high sin."

"It's taken quite a lot of work." I chuckle. "But, I think I've got it. I'm happier than I've ever been and he's the reason."

"That's amazing, HÃ¥ks, I'm really proud of you, honest. I knew something was up with you and I always assumed it was just your parents being dicks, but apparently not."

I smile. "Thanks, I guess. So I guess I called to say I'm sorry for completely ignoring you after I got drafted and being a jerk."

"That part sucked," she lets out a low laugh. "I knew you were busy and ready for bigger things, but that sucked so bad."

"I didn't know what I was doing, I was eighteen, stupid as hell, and trying to make sure nobody found out about my sexuality."

"I get it," she takes a deep breath on the other end of the line. "I'm glad it was you, HÃ¥ks, I am, I really am. I'm glad you were my first everything and I'm glad I got to go through my first relationship with someone as genuinely kind and thoughtful as you. You taught me what genuine love looked like and now that I'm older I'll always be thankful that you were that person for me. Everyone has their firsts and the more I hear about them, the more bad and scary stories I hear. I'm so happy you were mine, you might not have had a lot of time or even attraction to me like that, but you were genuine and sweet and I could tell that you loved me, even if not like that, you loved me."

I let out a really shaky breath. "I do love you, still. Not like I love Miloš, but I would still put myself between you and anything. And Sevs? You were always there for me through one of the hardest times of my life. You were the first person that made me feel real, like I actually existed. Milo made me realize what that feeling is like and I was able to think about it, you were the first."

"HÃ¥kon, you're going to make me cry," she lets out a nervous reassuring laugh. "When's the next time you're in Sweden?"

"Not until the season is over, but my sister..." I take a deep breath. "My sister is getting married in July, I'll be back for that."

"Isa?" She gushes. "Isa and Leo are finally getting married? Why didn't I hear about this sooner! I'm gonna kill Wilhelm that little rascal, holding out on me like that!"

"You still keep up with Wilhelm?" I laugh. "Wow, jeez."

"Oh, not on my own accord, he's dating my girlfriend's twin."

"Oh dear god."

She giggles a little on the other side. "So? They're finally getting married? I thought Leo would never grow the balls to ask her."

"Oh, he didn't," I snort. "Isa being Isa was the one to propose."

"God I love that woman. Queen activity." She takes a deep breath. "So, are you bringing your boyfriend home for that? I mean, wait, have you told your parents?"

"Kinda," I mumble. "I'm going to ask him to come home with me, yes, and I've kinda told my parents. Remember Wilhelm's kissing contest in sixth grade?"

"How could I forget."

"Right, I wanted to be one of the people he kissed, technically, he was my first crush. So I asked my mom if that was okay, if that was a real thing, boys wanting to kiss boys, and both of them basically told me, an eleven year old, that I was damned to hell and that they wouldn't love me if I was gay. I didn't tell Milos all that so he doesn't think the situation is that bad, but you know how they are."

"Right, I know how they are." She sighs. "So, I assume they're not going to know that he's your boyfriend?"

"No. I'm going to send him home and then try to talk it over with them, after the wedding. So what if the wedding is the last good family memory I have with all of us together." I laugh a very fake laugh.

"That wasn't a real laugh. You're scared of that."

I puff out my cheeks. "Terrified."

"Just try to explain it to them in as simple of terms as possible. I'd love to see them get over it."

"Me too." I mumble. "Miloš was disowned when he came out. That's what I'm scared of."

"He was what?"

"Disowned. He was thirteen. He asked his dad about something, just a question, same as I did. The next day his mom flew them out to Canada, he didn't speak a word of english."

"Oh my god, oh, wow, I, just like that? No confirmation?"

"Well, I mean, his question was incredibly direct. Had to do with sexual arousal in the locker room. His dad pretty much knew."

"That's awful."

"I know, but he's over it, he jokes about it now, he's alright."

"Jesus, alright," she mumbles. "Oh! Vera is here! Vera! Baby! C'mere! You'll never guess who I'm talking to!"

"The queen of England?"

"No! HÃ¥kon Rex! My ex boyfriend!"

"No flipping way, but you haven't heard from him in years!"

"Yeah, he called me today to apologize for supposedly treating me badly in the relationship we had in high school, which was really sweet, actually, but then-" she stops. "Fuck, I spaced, Haks, can I tell her?"

I laugh. "Go for it."

"Right, right, Vera you'll never believe it, you know how you say gay people flock together? Turns out he's gay and we were both kinda dating each other to get the gay thoughts to shut up."

"No fucking way, nooooo fucking way."

I laugh at Vera's reaction. "Sevs, I gotta go, but I'll call you again sometime, this could be a fun friendship to rekindle."

"Definitely." She responds. "I really like your company."

"Thanks. Alright, I gotta get going, I'll call later, yeah?"

"Mhmm, bye."

"Bye."

***

i like the way your brain works, i like the way you try

to run with the wolf pack when your legs are tired,

i like the way you turn me inside and out.

turn - the wombats

***

NOTE: this book has officially become long enough to require two parts. Believe it or not, this chapter bumps us over the 90,000 word mark of ALREADY PUBLISHED material. (yes, already published on here, it's longer than the first harry potter)

So. Two parts. This one has a lot more to go and then the second will cover what happens with them over the summer and a lot more. I'll launch the cover chapter for part one sooner or later and the cover for part two will come out after I finish the chapters here.

I'm not sure if I want it to be called a part one/part two or a book 1/book 2 but we'll get there later

anyway drop a follow on insta @rabideraser