24: I See You

ROCKET

Of all the people I expected to break down like that, HÃ¥kon wasn't one. He's always so put together. I mean, I've watched Steph fall to bits over and over, I've seen Steph pull into himself and refuse to move for hours. I've watched him hurt and I've watched him drink until he could smile again.

But, HÃ¥kon. Something about HÃ¥kon hurt me because I've been there too. To go through something like that at such a young age and have it change your whole personality is horrible.

For me to sit there and watch him fall apart all over again.

For me to sit there and have him tell me that the last two days have been the only time in his life where he felt wanted, needed, it hurt everything in me.

It hurt me because I've been there, maybe not in the same ways, but in the same feelings. I've stood at the front of a classroom in Whitby Ontario, staring at a room full of kids my age, being told something and expected to answer in a language I didn't understand. I've spent years completely alone because of a language barrier. I watched from an ocean away as texts from my best friends became fewer and father between, I've watched them move on without me and thought that I was stuck in place. I've been in the same useless hopeless position he's spent twenty-five years in. It's all-consuming, that feeling. It hurts like hell to be nobody's first choice. It's a constant ache. It makes your chest tight when you see any group of friends anywhere. It makes you hurt and hurt and hurt until you're sure you can't feel anymore, just to break that expectation by making it ache even worse.

In my undereducated opinion, being alone like that is worse than any heartbreak. It's fucking awful to be so painfully isolated that you don't even have a friend to share a joke with, much less a friend you can trust with your feelings. It hurts like all hell to see something funny and want to point it out but having nobody to point it out to. It stings to be passionate about something and not having anyone to share that passion with.

It's the loneliness that will kill you. Slowly, god so slowly, like watching blood drip out of a wound. It's the heart-numbing burn of not even wanting to have a birthday party because you don't have anyone to invite. It's waking up to see people posting about what they did over the weekend without you. It's being asked by relatives if you're enjoying school and having to say yes when the answer is that it sucks the life out of you to a point of not even wanting to get out of bed to do homework. It's knowing  you'll be the kid that makes the group of three, knowing  you're going to be working alone on collaboration projects, knowing nobody thinks about you once you're out of their sight. It's being asked what your name is in your third year of school by someone you've known since day one.

It's when it hurts so bad every single day that you don't even have the energy to fret about it anymore. It's when it's so common and normal that crying about it feels weird.

So I hold his head on my shoulder and rock him from foot to foot, hoping my hug tells him that he matters to me. Maybe he didn't think he did earlier, but he matters right now. He can send me any joke he wants, ramble about anything he feels like, never worry about blowing up my phone or talking my ear off because I won't care as long as he's happy. He can be vulnerable and open with me because I'll always listen. I'll hug him as much as he wants and I'll try my damn hardest to make him feel like he matters.

But I know what I have to do, and I feel awful about it because I know it's going to hurt him and I'm going to need him. If the only time he feels okay is when he's with me, but hates the part of him that likes me, it's going to rip him to shreds. It's going to make it worse.

"Breathe, shhh." I rub his back, feeling his muscles and ribs expand and contract with every inhale and exhale. "It's going to be okay." he nods against my neck and I bring my arm up to cradle his head. I kiss his hair, setting my mouth on the spot just above his ear. Sometimes it's the people that help everyone else that need it the most themselves.

"Thank you." He mumbles. I smile, running my fingers through his hair.

"You're going to be okay," I pull back, holding his face in my fingers. "It's going to get better. So much better," I let him go. "Now let me make you lunch."

He nods. "Let me help."

"Thanks." I get on my tiptoes and kiss him on the cheek. He flushes pink.

Then I practically box him out away from the counter and start cooking. Every time he tries to lean in and help I smack his arm.

"Milo, you gotta let me help."

"Bowls," I shrug. "Get me two bowls and that will be helping." I glance at him over my shoulder. He looks a little irritated that I'm not letting him do this.

So I put the pasta in the bowls and bring them over to the table and we sit down. I eat quietly for a couple of minutes before he takes a long breath, dragging his hands down his face.

"So are you serious about breaking up with me?" He takes another bite and all I can do is nod.

"I don't think it's going to last, that's one thing. I know you don't want to hurt me, but you will. You said that the last two days with me have been some of the only times you've felt wanted, but at the same time, you hate the part of yourself that likes me. You'll tear yourself to bits if I'm any further in than friends with you." I take a deep breath. "I want you to not rely on me completely for that feeling, alright, it's just, it's the same thing as reliance."

"What do you mean?"

"Listen, I hate to bring him up again." I close my eyes. "I watched Steph deteriorate like this, not like this. But, he relied on alcohol, and I watched it get so bad that he would drink until he could smile. I can't tell you how much it hurt to see that the only form of happiness he saw was when he was so drunk he couldn't walk." I pinch my nose. "I know it's not the same. I know it's nowhere near the same thing, but if you rely on me to get that feeling, that feeling of being needed, you'll get dependent, and it will get toxic."

HÃ¥kon stays quiet for a long time. We eat our pasta in silence.

"I know you're right, but I hate it." He mumbles.

"I know." I breathe. "And it's not going to be easy or fun or anything close, but you need to get all that together, and I need to test the waters around telling more people here."

"Do you have anything I can do, you know, to work on this?"

"Not today, you'll overpower yourself." I reach across the table and put my hand over his.

***

I see you when you're down

And depressed, just a mess

I see you when you cry

When you're shy

When you want to die

I see you when you smile

It takes a while

At least you're here

I see you

Yes, I see you

I See You - MISSIO

***

if you don't listen to any other song in this book, listen to this one and watch the video.

I swear I almost cried when they released this song. MISSIO has always been one of my favorite bands, but they're known for songs like the first one in this book: Black Roses. Hard, bass-y, heavy tune and heavy lyrics. The type of stuff you have to nod your head to. I remember clicking this release, expecting the style I was used to, and then just staring at the wall hitting repeat, repeat, repeat like I'd never heard anything like it. It straight up broke me, I mean, it was days and all I could hear in the back of my head was 'I see you when you chase/All the dreams inside your head/I see you when you laugh/And when you love until the bitter end' and it was wild, absolutely wild, that a song, goddammit a three minute long clip of music, could make me see so many things in so many different ways. Being someone who's gone through something like Rocket and Yeti have, and in the midst of the worst of it, hearing a band I love sing something like this absolutely reset me.

MISSIO isn't completely devoid of any songs like this, no, they wrote Can I Exist in 2017, and I highly recommend watching that video and most importantly: reading the comments. Reading youtube comments might come as a surprise to some of you, but listening to a song like that and reading stories of people who have experienced it, it really settles differently.

So, before I give you another 200 words of MISSIO review, I see you.

-rabid

ALSO DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO CALCULATE UNCERTAINTY I'M ABOUT TO FAIL PHYSICS