22: Svea

HÅKON

Rocket's mom is funny. I mean, Rocket is funny with his mom too, considering it reminds me violently of my dad trying to argue with my stubborn viking grandmother who refused to believe cell phones weren't going to poison her.

Rocket seems a little ticked off when we get back to his truck, so I lean over the center console and kiss his head. "What's got you all riled up now?"

"Well, I," He lets out a long sigh. "Okay, so, like, I like you, a lot, right?"

My chest flutters. Not in the heart attack way. "I guess."

"So I've been looking forward to like an actual date with you since, what, October?"

"Sure."

"And then it shows up and I was going to have such an awesome time and then my mom-"

"I like your mom, plus, we'll go out while on the road, that's what I'm looking forward to. Road trip dates. Fen tells me about them all the time." I ruffle his hair and hold his hand. "They went to the beach the last time we were in San José, accidentally almost had sex in the hotel roof in Tampa," I shrug. "They've gone out to dinner, been up in the arch, they're kinda crazy together."

"I don't want to copy all their stuff," He laughs.

"Yeah, definitely not the drunk sex bit or the injury bit or the unbelievably annoying sexual tension they have sometimes."

"Right? Like they could pin each other down and wrestle in a not-sexual way or make out in front of all of us all depending on what meteor is closest to the atmosphere at any given moment." Rocket laughs.

"Exactly." I take a deep breath. "Back to my house, we're eating lunch and then going to see some flowers."

"Good plan." Rocket pulls out and we're at my apartment in minutes. He remembered where it was, which was really nice. I have to remind myself for the five hundredth time that Rocket is over all the time so it makes complete sense that he knows where I live.

I follow him up to the front door, unlocking it and letting both of us in. He lets me pass into the kitchen and I look around. "What are you in the mood to eat?"

"No idea, I'm just hungry." He hops up on my counter, sitting down. I turn around to him.

"That wasn't really all that helpful." I laugh. He shrugs. "Sandwiches? Pasta? Gimme something."

"Honestly I'd vibe with pasta." He grins. I nod and hunt around my cabinets. He hops off the counter and then stands next to me. I look down. He's pink in the cheeks.

"And what are you doing over here?"

"No reason."

"Yeah there is." I set down the box of pasta, crossing my arms. "What."

"No reason." He looks at the pot of water, then back at me.

I roll my eyes. "What."

He slides between me and the stovetop, his legs staggered with mine. Then he wraps his long arms around my stomach. I just laugh.

"You know, I didn't see you as the clingy type."

"Oh, I'm not." He grins at me.

"Then what are you doing right now?" His vice grip on me gets tighter.

"Being a dick." I watch a little smirk drift into his smile. "Because I want something."

"Well, I can't give you any food until you get off." I'm watching his green eyes because I'm confused. "Do you want a kiss?" He nods and I bring my head down to his.

Unfortunately, his thumbs land on my lips, he's holding my face back just a little. I open my eyes.

"Ah, ah, not yet." He looks at me, his tongue between his bottom lip and his teeth, a cocky look for him.

"Rocket-" I drop my shoulders, glaring at him just a little.

"Say it." He's teasing me, that's exactly what he's doing.

"Say what."

"Who you are."

I take a deep breath. "Now?"

"Yep." He tips back his chin, staring at me through low eyelids.

"Rocket-"

"Say it."

His thumbs are still on my mouth, they're warm, but I'm not sure he's washed them post-sink. "Did you wash your hands?"

"No, but they're not coming off until you say it."

"No?"

"They were rinsed. Plus it was just carrots."

"Ew." I try to pull back, but he's got one hell of a hold on my face. "Rocket that's gross."

"Say it, Yeti Rex."

"Fine. I'mHÃ¥konRexandI'mgay." I blurt, too fast. It sounds gross.

"There you go." He pulls his thumbs away and kisses me, his tongue slipping between my teeth after only a few moments. I put my hands on the counter behind him and pin him there. He's smiling, his arms thrown lazily over my shoulders, one of his hands is in my hair. Funny how I never liked my hair until his fingers were knotted in it.

"How come you're so okay with it?" I mumble. He kisses me again, never opening his eyes between kisses.

"Dunno. One day I woke up and said fuck it. I can't change who I am and nobody should be able to scare me out of being me."

"But you're still not out?" His hands slide down the front of my chest, fingertips and the heel of his hand pressing hard to my skin, not shoving me off, more so enjoying the feeling of me right here for him.

"I'm scared to. I will when I'm ready. I know who I am and that's good enough for me right now."

"Alright." He kisses me again, short kisses, just feeling my mouth on his.

"You're still scared of who you are. I get it." He breaks off and looks up at me. "But I tried for eight years and there's no way in hell you can change what you are. People love to say it's a choice but it definitely isn't. It doesn't matter how many hours you spend trying to convince yourself you'd be able to date and like a girl, you won't fall in love with them."

"I," I pause, unsure of what to say in the least. "Milo, how do you get to be so good at this shit."

He just laughs. "Jeez, you think I'm good at this?"

"Yeah, look at you." I stand up straight. "I mean, you're comfortable with it, you're the one getting me to be okay with it too-"

"Shut up, Rex." He's just laughing. "I forgot to tell you about the one other person that knows I like guys."

"Huh?"

"My high school girlfriend." He's still got the little braid in his hair by his neck. I like it. "I dated Kelly Conners for only like two months officially and she totally picked up on it. Yeah, maybe I clearly had a crush on her brother and we never had sex because I managed to avoid it repeatedly, but she did what I'm doing to you." He laughs. "Who are you? I'm Rocket Stojanovič. And what are you? Gay."

"I didn't have the guts to tell mine." I mumble.

"Still keep up with her?"

"No."

"I still talk with Kelly, she's come to a couple of games with my mom." He shrugs. "I owe her who I am today."

"Rocket you're making me feel like shit." I drop my elbows to the counter and set my forehead in my hands, staring at the floor.

"Hey, hey, what did I say, HÃ¥kon, hey-"

"It's not, I'm fine, I just, I feel bad about Svea." I set my head on the granite. "Her best friend was dating Wilhelm and we paired up nicely against them, but I never told her and I called it off so badly."

My brain starts to picture together little snippets from all of it. Her body laid gently over mine in my own bed, sleeping as I stared at the ceiling. Sitting in the back of my car at the time, telling her that hockey had been so tiring I just wanted to sleep it off and not have sex with her. She was my best and closest friend, but every time she muttered 'I love you' under her breath hoping I'd hear, I pretended I didn't.

"How long were you together?"

"Three years." Rocket takes a deep breath at that.

"How did you break it off?"

"Left for the draft. It was hard dating her in the first place, I was crazy involved in hockey and was barely in school, my free time went into sleeping it off."

"Yeah, I can see that. The OHL is reasonably chill compared to a national team."

"How did you meet her?" I look up at him, asking a question. He just shrugs.

"Same as you. Steph's girlfriend's best friend."

I take a deep breath. "So Steph pulls girls like crazy then, huh."

"Yeah, Steph's fucking good at pulling girls. But you're avoiding the topic." He puts his hand on my back, rubbing circles with his thumb. "You just stopped talking to her?"

"Weaned it off slow. But after a while, she called it off. I was such a dick to her too, never had time, she liked me, a lot, and I fucking knew that. I was just too scared."

Rocket sucks in a long breath. "HÃ¥kon?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you ready for this?"

***

and even though they made us feel unsure,

yeah, we were bound,

to take a dream and hit the road.

way to rome - the gardener and the tree

***

*Me trying to make sense of any part of this song because I like the Vibes™ and I want to use it for this chapter*: I like your funny words, magic man

anyway yeah

-rabid

also I  have been realizing in the last two days that I have a serious issue with pantsing my stories and literally just starting to write and not bothering to jot down a single detail about any of anything before starting. #whoops that's gonna bite me in the ass