18: Isa

YETI

"I've never gotten a positive response, I mean, other than you."

"For real?"

"Never." I shake my head.

"But you've dated, you told me you've dated, didn't they have to have a positive response?"

"Not really," I shrug. "Normally it goes like this, you see," I hop up on his counter, watching him bite into a second cookie. "I go home for the summer and my friends introduce me to a new guy, the new guy always has a gay friend because it's Sweden and there's lest prejudice."

"Alright?"

"And then I get to know them, probably only because I'm lonely," I shrug. "And then they pull something on me because they think I act different. I go along with it and then it's just hookups under the terms that if they let anything slip, I'll have their throat. Then they get pissed off that I'm barely even out to myself yet and call it off the second I'm back in Canada. Also, the internet is fantastic and I'm not shy to use it."

Rocket bites his lips, thinking for a long while. "So am I like that, but over here?"

"No,"

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I like you," I mumble. "I fell for you really really hard and I never liked any of them like this."

"That's, sure, but, if you're 'barely out to yourself' how does that work?"

"It just means that I," I choke on my words. "It's not-"

"Come here," Milo takes my hands and walks me into his living room. "You're coming out to yourself right now."

"What?"

"Say it." He knots his fingers with mine.

I stare at him funny. "What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me who you are."

"I'm HÃ¥kon Rex." I mumble.

"And you're what?"

My voice gets smaller. "Gay."

"Now all together."

"I'm HÃ¥kon Rex and I'm gay." I stutter.

"Clearer. Say it like you believe it."

"I'm HÃ¥kon Rex and I'm gay."

"Better. Say it three more times, slowly."

"I'm HÃ¥kon Rex and I'm gay." I breathe for a second. "I'm HÃ¥kon Rex and I'm gay," He's smiling at me now and that gives me the little extra courage I need. "I'm HÃ¥kon Rex and I'm gay."

"Good," He gets on his tiptoes and kisses my cheek. "Now tell me something about you that is gay. I don't care what it is. Just something."

"I own cutoff jeans? You made fun of me for that once."

"Right. The jorts. Something else."

"I," I stare at him. "I like you, that's gay."

"Better, you just said gay without cringing."

"What?"

"You winced every time you said it before and then you didn't," Milo's teeth are really good. "Tell me something you like about guys."

"Hands," I mumble. "Eyes."

"Keep going?"

"Long hair," I cringe. "I don't know."

"Say something a little inappropriate and I'll let you be done."

"Milo I don't want to."

"I know you don't," He squeezes my hand. "Say anything."

I squeeze my eyes shut and think. "You know, that, like," I cringe. "That, that spot," I let my head drop backward. "Like here," I pull up the side of my shirt and tap the little space of skin between my hip and my ribs. "That."

"What do you mean by that?"

I turn back to him, drawing out every little chunk of courage I have left. I slip my hand up under his hoodie and pull it up a little to show him. "It's endearing."

Milo's eyes get a little unfocused as I rub that one soft spot on him. He's watching my thumb do circles and frankly I don't want to stop.

"That's my hoodie, isn't it," I smile at the 74 on his collar. "How did you manage to steal that?"

"You gave it to me before hungover hell."

"Right." my hand has moved more toward the center of his stomach.

"So you going to keep doing this and making me hazy all day or are we going to eat some more cookies?"

"This is making you hazy?"

"Frankly, having your hands touch my skin in any way makes me hazy, but yes."

"I feel a little accomplished now." I can't help it. His skin is so soft.

"You're a top aren't you."

"Yeah."

"Fuck."

"Why's that bad?" I'm watching a small smile twitch at the corners of his lips.

Then he just laughs. "HÃ¥kon do you know how hard it is to goaltend the day after you get your guts rearranged?"

I choke. "What?"

"I want to date you, HÃ¥kon," He tosses his arms up over my neck. "I assume, with the level of aggression you just had while kissing me, that you want to date me too. Eventually, we'll probably have sex, in which, if you're a top, and I'm either, I'll probably bottom, and you're six foot six. You're also a professional athlete. I'm going to either die, or not be able to walk for days," He grins. "That's not a bad thing, no, I'm looking forward to it, but you have no idea how hard that would be to manage while playing."

"We'll plan accordingly," I snort. "Kiss me again, please?"

"Of course," He gives me a small little kiss, then goes back to flat footed, breaking off. "So you don't bottom at all?"

"Never have, don't plan on it."

"Damn," He leaves me in the living room area and leans over the counter to grab a cookie. "Because a switch is going to have his days."

"Milo," I laugh. "We kissed for the first time ten minutes ago."

"Right, right, I'm rushing."

"No, I like it," I come up next to him and bump my hip lightly against him. "It's entertaining."

"So do I get to be your boyfriend?"

"Only if I get to be yours."

"Then it's a deal," he hands me a cookie. "But."

"But what?"

"We're going to work on you, both of us. This isn't going to work at all if we're both hiding from even our friends."

"What do you mean?"

"The only person in the league that knows about me is Steph, and nobody knows about you. If we're going to date, we can't go very far without telling anyone."

"I don't, I don't really," I feel my head blocking everything out again. "Rocket now's not the time, I just kissed you."

"I know," He takes my hand. "But you're twenty five. I'm twenty three. It's been too long without telling anyone. I want to feel safe in my own skin about all of this. I want to know I won't get beaten senseless, okay?"

"I know," I nod, then rub my eye with the palm of my hand to pretend like I'm not welling up out of pure fear. "But what if they hate it? What if my friends that I've been so close with forever suddenly hate me for it?"

"How many people know?" Milo's rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. "For you, how many?"

"My parents and three guys."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Sister, I have an older sister. Isa," I'm trying so hard not to cry in so many ways. "I haven't told her. There's only five people that know."

"Seven."

"What?" I panic. "What do you mean seven?"

"Me, and you," He takes my hand and pulls me to the couch, sitting down and crossing his legs so he's facing me. I look back at him. "You came out to me with a very long and rather erotic speech about my eyes, and you're working on coming out to yourself."

"Yeah, seven, working on seven, six and a half," I sigh. "What are we going to do?"

"Your sister. Have you called to wish her a Merry Christmas yet?"

"Right now?"

"Right now. Come on," He looks at me with those eyes and I crumble.

"I don't want to, I, Milo, I don't." I know for a fact that she's going to be absolutely perfectly okay with this. She's not going to care. She's going to take it in stride. She's really really good about all this. I just can't do it.

"I know you don't," he takes my head in his hands and then kisses me. "It's okay, it'll be okay."

"What if it isn't?"

"Then you'll know it isn't, but it's okay, I'll be right here, it's okay." He squeezes my hand.

"No, Milo, no, I'm not, I-"

"HÃ¥kon," he leans so he's catching my eyes. "It's going to be okay, it's going to be just fine, alright? I know it is."

"How can you be sure?"

"It's going to be okay, just please trust me. I don't know her, but I know you. She's probably a good person, do you trust her?"

"I trust her."

"Then it's okay. She trusts you too."

"Fine," I set my phone on the table, but then just stare at it. "Milo, I." He takes my head and hugs me for a moment. Letting me get my bearings. He rocks back and forth for a moment, two.

"Ready?"

"Mhmm," I choke. "Let's just get this out of the way."

"Sounds good." He turns my phone on and I enter the password. I find her contact and then my hands start to shake.

Milo stands up and walks around the back of the couch and starts to rub my shoulders. It calms me down for just long enough for me to open a facetime call. Milo ducks out of the frame and suddenly I'm terrified again.

"HÃ¥kon! Merry Christmas!" She picks up and I give her a feeble smile. "What's wrong? There's something wrong. You look tired and a little like you're about to cry. What's going on?"

"Nothing, nothing," I choke. "Just called to wish you a Merry Christmas."

"I don't recognize that as your apartment, but that's," she squints at my surroundings. "Yeah, where are you? Don't tell me you're at the rink, please no."

"No, I'm at Milo's. We made cookies," I breathe. "Listen, I." I drop my head. I can't do this. I can't do this.

"HÃ¥kon? What's wrong? Something's definitely wrong. I'm going to stay on the line until you tell me because something's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong." I look up and Milo offers me a little smile and a thumbs up. He has no idea what we're saying. This is all in Swedish and he doesn't speak Swedish.

"Something's wrong."

"No, I just, listen, I," I breathe for a moment or two. "I'm twenty fucking five and I've known for fifteen years I'm just scared of what everyone's going to say."

"Keep talking." She's paying full attention and it's terrifying.

I choke over my words. "I, I just, I," I take a deep breath and lock eyes with Milo. Those green eyes. Then I just blurt it. "Isa I'm gay." It comes out too fast, too garbled. There's no way she made sense of that.

"Hey, HÃ¥kon," She doesn't seem mad. "That's okay, hey, you know I'll always love you," I can't help but choking up and before I know it, I'm crying. "Hey, it's okay, it's okay."

"Thanks." I mumble, wiping off my eyes.

"HÃ¥kon I don't give a fuck who you love, just that you do love, okay? You're still my favorite younger brother and nothing can change that."

"Thank you." I choke and my voice cracks.

"Breathe a little," She's smiling at me and I'm melting down. "Now tell me about you. Have you fallen in love yet?" I nod a slow nod. "What's his name?"

"He's right here," I wave at Milo. "that's why I called. He's why I called."

"You were going to have to tell me eventually, you can't take this to your grave, you know that, right?" She's making sure I'm paying attention. "You're going to fall so in love that you just can't keep it to yourself, and some people are going to hate you for it, so stick close to everyone that still loves you. Now go get that boy that's supposed to be right there, I want to meet him."

"Milo, you're being asked for." Rocket's eyes go a little wide and he just flops onto the couch next to me.

"Awh, he's a cutie," She stays in Swedish, then flips into english so he gets what she's saying. "So you shoved him all the way out of his shell, huh."

"Nah, he did that for himself."

"No I didn't." I grumble, wiping off my eyes.

"So how long have you two been a thing?" Isa sets her head on her hands.

Milo shrugs and I wipe off my face on my hoodie. "An hour?"

"Damn, okay," Isa laughs. "So it didn't take much."

"Are you kidding?" Milo laughs. "It took me three months to even meet the real him! Then it was that is he gay is he not gay thing, and then I started asking about girls to see if I could get him a girlfriend and that wasn't going well until just right now when he said he liked me which was a huge deal."

"So you've known each other for a long time then."

"All year." I mumble.

"Milo, are you out to everyone yet?" She turns to him and he gets serious in a flash, solemn.

"No, I," he sighs. "I told my family when I was thirteen and was immediately disowned by my dad, my mom took me to Canada and it took me three years to build the confidence to dare to tell another person. Steph, and then six more to tell HÃ¥kon."

"Shit," She's in disbelief. "Wow, jeez,"

"It's not a big deal, it's fine," he shrugs. "I'll come out to more people as your brother and I get more serious, but, for now, that's it."

"Sounds like a plan," Isa mumbles. "HÃ¥kon, have you told Mom and Dad?"

"I told them when I was eleven," I grunt. I'm emotionally exhausted. "That's why I'm where I am right now. They shoved sports down my throat to un-gay me."

"Holy fuck," she runs her hands through her hair. "Holy shit, no, they, no."

"They hated it and told me that if I didn't tell them it was a joke they'd put me through conversion. That's why I haven't told anyone."

"Conversion? To their own son? Have you talked to them about it afterward? Have you brought it up again?"

"No and I don't want to," I set my head in my hands. "It was the worst experience of my life and I don't want to live it again fourteen years later."

"Eleven? They did that to you when you were eleven?"

"Yeah," Milo wraps an arm around my shoulders and squeezes. I melt into him. He feels safe.

"I'm going to give them hell for that the next time I see them."

"Please don't." I mumble.

"Why? Why not?" I've got her mad now. "You were fucking eleven HÃ¥kon! It's who you fucking are! It's not like you're suddenly not their fucking son! Jesus fucking christ!"

"Just let them think what they want to."

"No. no. and no again. I refuse to let them think that about you," She points at the camera. "You're going to come home this summer and we're going to have a long family talk about this."

"Thanks, now I'm dreading it."

"HÃ¥kon they destroyed you!" She laughs in disbelief. "You didn't tell anyone. Not even me because of what they did to you."

"I know, and it's not worth it."

"Oh, it fucking is," She snorts. "I don't care if you don't talk at all. I want to give them hell for my own satisfaction."

"Fine. do it," I give in. "just don't make it worse, please."

"I won't, just, god, why?"

"Love you." I mumble.

"Yeah, I'll let you rest, you need a cool-down."

"Yeah."

"Alright, I love you, sleep well, merry Christmas, and keep a tight eye on that boyfriend of yours. He's doing good for you, and he's a cutie."

"Thanks," I smile. "I love you."

She nods and then hangs up. I fold right over into Milo's body and he holds me tight for a long, long time.

***

it's easier to run away,

than to know what to say

say - ruel

***

So, that was a lot