Im Gay - Sam

I never thought I'd be here.

Saying the words I'm gay still felt so foreign to me, like an alien language I wasn't quite fluent in, even though I'd started to accept it within myself. It was one thing to know who I was, to understand it in my mind, but it was another thing entirely to say it out loud. Those words were still heavy on my tongue, like they didn't belong to me yet, and I wasn't sure when or if they ever would. Even when I did say it—when I let it slip from my lips—it was always under my breath, a whisper that barely left the safety of my mouth.

I couldn't tell anyone. Not my parents, not my teammates, and definitely not my friends. The only person who knew was Jay. And it wasn't like I even had a clear understanding of what being gay meant before I met him. It wasn't something I'd ever really thought about before. I wasn't looking for any kind of label. It wasn't until that kiss—that kiss—that everything changed. Suddenly, it wasn't a question of what I was; it was more like a requirement, as if the world needed to slap a label on me whether I was ready or not. But how could I be ready when I was still trying to figure it out myself?

There was no hiding it anymore, no pretending like things were normal. And yet, it still felt impossible to fully admit to myself—let alone anyone else—what had happened. I had this overwhelming sense that there was a timeline that had started, but I wasn't sure how or when it was supposed to end, or if it even could end. I hadn't signed up for this. I hadn't asked for things to change so fast. One minute, I was just a normal guy, and the next, I was dealing with a part of myself that was so foreign, so new, that it was almost too overwhelming to process.

But how the hell was I supposed to tell other people? It wasn't like I could just walk up to someone and casually throw it into a conversation. "Oh, by the way, I have a boyfriend now." Yeah, right. Especially not with people like Kyle and Ben hanging around. No way. That was like inviting a disaster. It wasn't as simple as saying it—it was about what came after. The judgment, the teasing, the discomfort from people who wouldn't get it. And the fear that maybe I wouldn't get it, either. That maybe I wasn't who I thought I was, and I was just waiting for someone else to tell me what to think, what to do, how to be.

I shook my head, trying to shake off the doubts. I'd come so far already, but there were days it still felt like I was barely scraping by. My fingers hovered over my phone, and for a second, I considered putting it down and just walking away from all the noise in my head. But then I saw it—the message from Jay. He'd texted me earlier, and just the sight of his name on my screen made my heart beat faster, like it was trying to catch up to the rush of emotions I felt every time I thought about him.

Jay: Morning! Can't wait to see you again soon.

Me: Same here. This weekend can't come fast enough.

Jay: Maybe we can hang out? Unless you're busy with football again?

Me: I'll make time.

The text exchange was so simple, so easy, but it made me smile. It felt like all the weight of everything else—Kyle, Ben, football, school—just melted away when I saw those words. It was just me and Jay. Nothing else mattered in that moment. It was like time stood still, and for a little while, I could just be. Just be with him. And that was all I wanted.

I reread the messages, a small laugh slipping from my lips, before I slipped my phone back into my pocket. The moment stretched on, and I didn't want it to end. For once, there was no worry, no stress. There was just a hopeful anticipation for what was to come. I didn't have all the answers yet, and I didn't know what the future would hold, but I knew that for now, Jay was there—and that was enough. More than enough.

And for the first time in a long while, I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, everything would turn out okay.

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Monday morning hit like a truck.

The hallway was packed, as it always was at this time, a chaotic sea of students moving in every direction. Locker's slamming shut, doors opened and closed in quick succession, and laughter echoed from scattered groups of friends. The occasional clatter of a dropped book or the sharp notes of someone's ringtone played over the din of bustling voices, creating a familiar, almost dizzying soundtrack to the start of another school day.

I kept my head down, weaving through the crowd on autopilot, my feet moving with the kind of rhythm that only comes from years of navigating this very space without thinking. It was like I could do it in my sleep by now, moving from one side of the hallway to the other, dodging random bodies without even looking up.

That was, until I saw them.

Kyle and Ben were leaning casually against a set of lockers, their postures lazy, their eyes sharp. Kyle had that grin on his face—the one that said he thought he was in control—and Ben, as usual, was by his side, looking like he was trying to act tough but only managing to look bored. I hadn't spoken to either of them outside of football practice since the carnival, and to be honest, I'd been fine keeping it that way. The conversations we had in the locker room or on the field were short, to the point, and purely transactional. I gave instructions as the football captain, they followed orders. That's all it was now. It wasn't friendship anymore. It was business. I had nothing in common with them beyond the field, and after everything that had gone down, I didn't want to.

But of course, they weren't going to let me get away with avoiding them.

"Yo, Sam!" Kyle called, his voice carrying over the noise of the hallway. He pushed off the lockers and jogged to catch up with me, while Ben followed behind him, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. They moved in sync, talking to me like nothing had changed.

I sighed under my breath but stopped walking. I knew they wouldn't leave me alone unless I did, and there was no point in trying to avoid them. I had to confront them at some point. I couldn't keep running. We'd fought before—hell, we'd fought plenty of times, but we always made up after.

We'd laugh it off and it'd be water under the bridge. But this time felt different. This time, things weren't just going to blow over easily. And I wasn't sure I could forgive Kyle. Maybe part of me wanted to forgive him because of the football team, because of my parents constantly reminding me how important it was to be a good captain, to keep the team together. But I wasn't sure if I was ready to let the crap he'd pulled slide.

"What's up?" I asked, keeping my tone neutral. Maybe that was the way to handle this. Keep it neutral. Keep Kyle at a distance, but not too much. I wasn't in the mood for a fight, but I wasn't going to roll over either.

Kyle grinned, but it didn't reach his eyes. His gaze was sharp, like a predator sizing up its prey. His posture was casual, but his words carried a weight I wasn't in the mood to deal with. "That's what we were gonna ask you. You've been dodging us since the carnival. What's the deal?"

"Been busy," I said shortly, trying to brush it off. I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to go back to this. To them.

"Busy hanging out with your new best friend?" Ben said with a smirk that should've been playful but instead just irritated me. I was used to their banter, used to them teasing me about whatever they thought was funny, but this wasn't funny. It felt off. It felt like they were digging, poking at something they didn't really understand, and I hated it. It was none of their business.

My maw tightened, and I turned to face them fully. "Leave Jay out of it." My voice was sharp, but even then, it didn't feel like enough. It wasn't just about Jay. It was about me, too. About who I was, about the decisions I'd made. And they had no right to turn it into a joke.

"Why?" Kyle pressed, leaning closer. His eyes narrowed, like he was trying to get something out of me. "You ditch us to hang out with him, and we're not supposed to ask why? The guy's a gay little loser, Sam. Everyone knows it."

"Shut up," I snapped, my voice louder than I'd intended. Several heads turned in the hallway, and I quickly lowered my voice, stepping closer to them, my heart pounding in my chest. "Stop being homophobic. He hasn't done anything to you." I wasn't sure if I was mad at Kyle, or if I was mad at myself for letting him get to me, for feeling like I needed to defend someone who didn't even need defending.

Kyle exchanged a look with Ben, then raised an eyebrow, as if my words didn't make any sense to him. He shrugged, pushing back his frustration with a dismissive laugh. "You're defending him? What, is he your boyfriend or something?"

My heart stopped for a split second. My stomach twisted. It was the question I'd been avoiding, the one I wasn't ready to answer. "No," I said quickly, maybe too quickly, the words slipping out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Of course not." I could feel my face heating up, the familiar rush of embarrassment and confusion flooding me. What was I supposed to say? The truth? Or the lie that would get me out of this mess?

Ben snorted. "Then what's the deal? Why are you always with him?"

"Because..." I stumbled, the words scrambling in my brain as I tried to find a reason. Anything. A way to explain it. To explain him. But I didn't know how to put it into words. Jay wasn't just a friend. But I couldn't tell them that. Not yet.

"Wait, does he have a hot sister, or maybe a hot friend? Is that what it is?" Kyle laughed, nudging Ben with his elbow. "I bet that's what it is, really, right?"

I didn't answer, instead just rolling my eyes. I couldn't even look at them. The whole thing felt ridiculous. Ben gave me a sceptical look, like he wasn't buying Kyle's nonsense. But honestly, who would? It was stupid. Ben wasn't stupid. He had to know that Kyle was full of it. But I didn't say anything, and Kyles words spiralled out of control before I could reel them in.

"Come on, Sam. I got you sussed, haven't I?" Kyle grinned like he had everything figured out. I should've said something. I should've stood up for Jay, for myself. I should've pushed back harder. But instead, I said nothing. I just shrugged, the weight of the situation sinking in.

"So it is a girl, then?" Kyle laughed, the sound like nails on a chalkboard.

The lie kept spiralling, spinning out of control, and I couldn't stop it. Kyle and Ben exchanged a look, then burst into laughter like they'd just uncovered the greatest secret in the world.

"Man, you're desperate," Ben said, shaking his head. "What's her name?"

I froze, feeling like the floor was opening up beneath me. "Uh... Sarah." Why the hell did I even say that? It was like I'd been backed into a corner and didn't know how to get out. I hated myself for it. I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. "Just knock it off," I said, hoping they'd drop it. Hoping they'd finally leave me alone.

They didn't question me further, though. They just laughed, their voices echoing down the hallway as I walked away, trying not to feel sick. But it didn't matter how hard I tried to shake it off—the nausea stuck with me, gnawing at my stomach. My chest felt tight, and I couldn't get rid of the feeling that I had just made everything worse.

By late morning, the rumour had spread like wildfire. It wasn't just whispers in the corridors anymore—it was like the whole school was in on it. Everywhere I went, I could feel eyes on me, some glancing quickly away when they saw me looking, others staring openly, like they were trying to figure out if the rumours were true. People were giving me those looks—the kind you just knew meant they were talking about you behind your back. It was suffocating. I could practically hear their voices in my head.

"Hey, Sam," a girl from the swim team called as I passed by, her voice pitched in a way that made me stop in my tracks. "Didn't know you had a thing for Sarah!"

Great. Just great. I couldn't even begin to count how many people had approached me that morning, asking about Sarah, throwing me curious glances like they were trying to piece together the puzzle, they now assumed it was Sarah from the swim team and I couldn't seam to make the lie go away, I'd only told Kyle and Ben the stupid lie just to get them off my back, and now it was already out of control. I should've just kept my mouth shut. I could feel my face burning, a familiar tightness building in my chest. But there was no going back now.

I tried to ignore the buzz in the air, to focus on my classes, but it felt like the walls were closing in. By the time lunch came around, the weight of the situation was almost unbearable. I was heading to the lunch hall, trying to keep a low profile, when I saw them. Kyle and Ben were standing way too close to Jay, their smirks unmistakable. And Jay—poor Jay—looked like he was trying to shrink into the floor. His shoulders were hunched, and his face was flushed with embarrassment as he tried to step around them, but they were blocking his path, leaning in like they had all the time in the world to make his life harder.

I froze for a moment, my mind racing. What should I do? How could I make this stop? I could feel my heart thudding in my chest, anxiety crawling up my spine as I debated whether to step in. But before I could even take a step forward, I saw Alex.

He appeared out of nowhere, like he'd been waiting for the perfect moment. He planted himself firmly between Jay and Kyle and Ben, his body language all but shouting "stay the hell away." His presence was commanding, a silent warning that made the whole corridor feel smaller, like everyone was suddenly holding their breath. I'd seen him around campus a few times, and he had a bit of a reputation—people whispered about him, especially on the sports field—but it was hard to imagine the guy I'd seen joking around with at the bowling alley, laughing with his friends, could ever be this intimidating.

But now, standing there, his voice low and dangerous, Alex was like a wall. "Back off," he snapped, his eyes narrowed, his jaw tight.

Kyle raised his hands in mock surrender, a smirk still plastered on his face. "Relax, man. We're just talking."

"Yeah?" Alex's voice was sharper now, like a blade. "Well, don't."

I held my breath, waiting to see what would happen next, but Kyle and Ben exchanged a glance, clearly trying to figure out their next move. For a second, it seemed like they were about to push back, but then they just muttered something under their breaths and sauntered off, their footsteps echoing down the hallway as they left. I felt a brief surge of relief, like I could finally exhale. Alex had stepped in, and for the first time that day, I thought maybe things would be okay. Maybe Jay would be okay.

But then, just as I thought the worst was over, Alex turned on me.

My stomach dropped as he looked around the hall, making sure no one was nearby, before he suddenly shoved me up against the wall, pinning me with his glare. "You're the reason this is happening," he said, his voice cold, each word like an accusation.

"What?" I asked, startled. My heart was still racing from the confrontation, and now, my mind couldn't process what he was saying.

"You," Alex repeated, his finger jabbing into my chest like he was trying to make the point sink in. "You're the one who started this. Jay was fine before you came along, and now everyone's bullying him again because of you."

I shook my head, my throat dry. "I didn't mean to—" I began, but Alex cut me off, his tone like ice.

"Didn't mean to?" he shot back. "Then what are you doing? Why are you hanging around him? Your just here to make his life harder, Sam? You and the rest of the football dicks have nothing better to do than pick on someone who can't even defend himself?"

"Why can't you just leave him alone?"

The frustration in his voice hit me harder than I expected, and I could feel my temper starting to rise, my blood boiling. But before I could stop myself, the words spilled out of my mouth, like I'd been holding them in for too long.

"Because he's my boyfriend, okay?" I blurted, the words leaving me before I could think better of it.

The hallway seemed to freeze. The noise around us faded into the background, and for a split second, it felt like the world had stopped turning. Alex took a step back, his eyes widening as he stared at me, stunned into silence. "What?" he finally managed to say, his voice almost a whisper, like he couldn't quite believe what I'd just said.

I swallowed hard, panic rising in my chest as I realized what I'd done. I hadn't meant to say that. I hadn't meant to say anything. My mind raced, trying to think of a way to undo it, to fix the mess I'd just created. "You can't tell anyone," I said quickly, my voice shaking. "Please. No one else can know."

Alex didn't say anything. He didn't nod or shake his head. He just stood there, looking at me, his expression unreadable. The seconds stretched into what felt like hours. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears, my palms slick with sweat. And that's when I realized what I'd just done. I'd told Alex, of all people, about Jay and me. I'd let the secret slip. The weight of it hit me all at once, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for something to give way beneath me.