chapter 29

29 We drove to the airport in silence. I parked the car and walked her to one of the gates. We kissed.She pulled away slightly, ‘This has been the most beautiful time of my life.’‘Cara, you are going back to see your mom, you aren’t going away forever.’‘You don’t get it, do you?’ I looked at her, perplexed.She hugged me. ‘I love you, Sid,’ she said in my ear and, pulling back, planted a small kiss on my lips.When we separated, she was staring at me but I still couldn’t bring myself to say what I knew in my heart she wanted to hear – I love you too. She had that gentle look in her eyes but I sensed she was angry and hurt. Just when I thought she was going to say something, she smiled, picked up her bag, turned and walked away.It was happening to me all over again. I stood there watching her walk into the terminal, hoping she would turnback and wave. She didn’t. Slowly I began to feel miserable. All this while I had lived my life on my own terms and I just didn’t understand why Cara had used this to test the relationship.She knew I couldn’t just take the flight as she had suggested and go with her to visit her mom. What, simply drop everything and go with her? And when she had asked if I would come with her, I had said no. It wasn’t just the work here, I wasn’t sure I was up to meeting her parents just yet. True, I had spoken with her mother, but that had been entirely by accident. This trip would have meant a completely different thing; I might have had to stay with them and spend time with the family, something I hadn’t done in all my adult life and didn’t feel comfortable doing, especially when I hadn’t reconciled with my feelings for her. I knew that I still wanted her very badly. I knew I sought the pure joy I felt whenever we made love but I just couldn’t get Nat out of my head either. I couldn’t get myself to let either of them know what I was thinking. As I walked towards the parking lot Cara texted me a poem I already knew well enough to break my heart. Somewhere within your loving look I sense, Without the least intention to deceive, Without suspicion, without evidence,Somewhere within your heart the heart to leave