chapter 20

20 Friday evening. When the plane landed and I switched on my phone, the first four messages were missed call alerts, all of them from Nat. I called her back immediately.‘Hi. Are you back?’ she asked. She sounded very low. ‘Yeah, Nat, just got in. Are you okay?’‘No. Can you come home?’‘Of course! See you in a bit,’ I assured her.Cara and Rhea had decided to stay back and spend a few more days in Goa, but I had work to do so I’d left their company reluctantly. While I waited for the bags, I replayed what had been a very dirty weekend. One moment I was standing in front of the Mater Dei school, cooking up a new photo project, and the next I was in bed with two beautiful women. That morning after our talk, Cara and I had begun to kiss. When she woke up Rhea found us on the bed, groping each other. She joined the melee and the three of us proceeded to have sex on the floor and in the balcony and even in the shower. Rhea was insatiable and clearly lovedCara deeply. I will never be able to erase from my mind images of them entwined, making love. I had had such an overdose of sex, physically and visually, that standing by the conveyor belt I imagined how every young woman around me would look and feel naked. I shuddered.I rushed out of the airport as soon as I collected my bags and jumped into the first available cab. It was half past ten by the time I got to Nat’s apartment.She opened the door in shorts and a t-shirt. Her hair was dishevelled and it was obvious she had been crying.‘Hi,’ she said, and stepped aside to let me in.By the time I dragged my bags in and found a place to put them, she had gone back into her bedroom.I walked up to the open door of the bedroom. ‘Nat?’ ‘Come in.’She was lying on one side of the bed, curled up into a ball, clutching a pillow. As I got closer, she moved a little, making room for me to sit next to her.‘Nat? What happened?’She turned to face me and, with tears in her eyes, confessed, ‘I can’t conceive, Sid!’I watched helplessly as her slender body was racked by sobs. I reached out and held her hand, not knowing what to say to comfort her, and wondering where her husband was. They’d been married six or seven years I think, because I remembered that on their fifth anniversary, he had sent over this humongous bunch of flowers to the office and an S Class Mercedes to pick her up for lunch. It hadembarrassed her no end and she’d been furious with him. ‘Nat. Please stop crying.’ I removed her hand from mine and, pushing her hair away from her face, made her sit up. I went to the bathroom and came back with a wet towel.She took it from me and wiped her face, then slid off the bed and walked into the bathroom. I quickly straightened the covers and sat on the corner again to wait for her. She seemed to be taking a long time so I called her name. She didn’t respond. Walking up to door and leaning on the frame I tried again.‘Nat? ’Nothing. Then I noticed she hadn’t shut the door, so I gingerly pushed it open and saw her sitting on the pot, crying. ‘C’mon, Nat,’ I said as sternly as I could. ‘You arean adult, act like it,’ I fumed, and then lifting her by her shoulders walked her out of the bedroom and straight into the living room where I deposited her on the sofa.‘Okay. Time to talk. Can I make you a drink?’ She didn’t say anything.‘Nat.’‘Shut up, Sid!’That jolted me a bit.‘Okay . . . sorry.’ I turned and went to the fridge and pulled out a can each of Coke and Sprite, not sure which she preferred. And then finding the bar I poured her a large vodka with Coke and brought it to her.Taking it from me, she took a large gulp. ‘What happened?’‘Nothing! that’s the point! We’ve been trying to have a baby for so long; we’ve tried everything. This was the last chance for the IVF to work.’‘What did the doc say?’‘That we should stop trying now. She says there is nothing more we can do, and that it is time I stopped pushing my body.’‘How lo—’‘Two years,’ she said without waiting for me to finish. I let out a sigh.‘Does—’‘He knows. I called him this evening.’ ‘Where’s—’‘In Texas. He can’t leave for another two days. Besides, what’s the point, Sid? Not that things are going to change!’‘I know but—’‘THERE’S NO POINT, DAMMIT! WHAT’S WITHYOU MEN?!’ she yelled and then started to sob again. ‘Nat, please stop crying.’‘STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!’‘Okay. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here. AND STOP YELLING AT ME.’ I got up and walked away from her.‘Sorry,’ she mumbled.‘You don’t have to say sorry. Have you eaten anything?’ ‘No.’‘Okay. Get up, we are going to go find food and then we’ll talk.’I thought it best to take her out of the house. In her comfort zone and without her husband around, the chances of her moping were very high. Surprisingly, she agreed and changed into jeans and a t-shirt.‘You okay?’ I asked as we walked down to the parking lot. ‘I . . . It’s just such a waste of my life. I will never find outwhat it means to be a mother.’‘Nat, you are way too intelligent to make such a defeatist statement!’‘You sound like Rajat.’‘There are millions of women in the world who don’t have children.’‘So? What’s your point?’‘I am not sure they are saying their life is a waste.’‘I don’t care what happens to others. I wanted to have a baby. Desperately. And now I can’t. We don’t know if it’s his fault or mine because we told the doc we don’t want to know. We tried everything possible,’ she said vehemently. ‘Why me?’I reached out and held her hand.‘It’s so pointless, this whole bloody thing.’ She clasped my hand tightly and turned to look outside.We sat there like that for a while, looking out of our respective windows, before I started the engine and pulled out of the lot.For some reason it led me to think about what I was doing with my life. Was Cara in it at all? I couldn’t ever tell. She did make me feel very happy though. She was fun to be withand the sex was incredible. But was she my girlfriend? The thing was that I could never ask her that. She’d immediately call me old-fashioned and bring up something else, and then distract me with more sex. Somehow we had never behaved like adults and talked about our relationship. And I hadn’t thought too hard about it.In about ten minutes we arrived at a hotel and decided to stop there. We walked into the coffee shop only to find a late-night birthday party in progress. Some guy was celebrating his thirty-fifth and there were at least ten couples in that party wreaking havoc. I cursed myself for bringing Nat over here.‘Of all the places to eat in this city you had to bring me here?’ Nat asked, annoyed.‘I am sorry, Nat,’ I apologized, and then did something unexpected: I put my arm around her, pulled her close and gave her peck on her forehead. She leaned into me and we stood like that for a little while, debating if we should go inside and find a table, or if we wanted to go in at all.‘Give me a minute,’ I told Nat and went to find the manager and ask if he could organize a packed meal for us. He agreed. It took them about twenty minutes to come back with our food.‘Please, let’s leave,’ Nat begged just as the group started the countdown to the birthday.Grabbing our food, we walked out through the lobby as quickly as we could. The valet had parked my car rightoutside, under the porch, so it didn’t take us that long to get out.We drove around almost aimlessly, eating our sandwiches in silence. Finally, Nat turned to me and said, ‘Sid, I don’t want to go back home. Can I stay with you tonight?’‘Of course.’‘Can we go back now?’ ‘Okay,’ I replied.Parking the car in my spot outside my apartment building, I came around and opened the door for Nat. She stepped out of the car and gave me a hug. ‘Thank you for dinner,’ she mumbled into my neck. I stood there holding her for as long as she seemed to need it, then walked her to the lift and up to my apartment. When I opened the door and stepped in it seemed unusually silent. Considering it was always like that when I came back home alone, I wondered if it was merely reflecting the sombre mood we were in.‘Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a minute,’ I told Nat, and quickly went into the guest bedroom to make sure everything was all right. I switched on the lights and gave the room a once-over. Everything was neatly in its place. I briefly wondered if she might hate the colour scheme, which was almost no colour at all – pale yellow sheets and green pillow covers. I walked into the bathroom, flushed the toilet and then came back and stood by the bed, hoping the apartment would pass the test and make her feel welcome. When I returned to the living room, I found her sittingon the sofa, with the television playing on mute. I walked up to her and asked, ‘You need anything?’‘A drink,’ she replied.I smiled. That was a good sign. From the time we had left her house she hadn’t brought up the baby thing at all, and though it was evident she was very upset, she seemed to be handling it well. I guessed that all she had needed was a shoulder to lean on, considering her husband wasn’t around. Nat had an indomitable spirit; she would be fine. I fixed our drinks and, walking back to the sofa, handed her a glass.‘Do you have any milk?’I was surprised by that question. ‘I might. I haven’t been home in a week but I can check.’‘Will you, please? I like a glass of warm milk before I go to bed.’The fridge did have an unopened tetrapack and I flipped it to find, fortunately, that the dates were fine and I could use it.‘Yes, we have milk,’ I told her, and walked into the kitchen.‘Not right now. Just before I go to bed, please,’ she called out from the living room.Not sure whether I should put the milk back in the fridge until then or leave it on the kitchen counter, I stood there thinking. What I really wanted to do was take care of Nat and make sure she was comfortable. It wasn’t the same thing as looking after Nat, my colleague from work. I was actuallyenjoying having a wonderful woman at home to care for. I turned to look at her – there she was, sitting on the couch, her legs tucked under her, nursing her drink. Having her there seemed perfectly natural, like she belonged in this house.‘Sid, what are you still doing there?’ she asked. ‘Coming,’ I replied. Leaving the milk on the counter andan empty pan on the stove, I walked back to the sofa and sat down next to her. The TV was still on mute, tuned to the Discovery channel.‘Do you want to watch something else?’‘No, this is fine,’ I replied, trying to be agreeable.‘Are you being agreeable? Sorry to disappoint you but I am not dying,’ she said, slapping me on my thigh, and I could see that she was smiling.That made me smile too.We sat there nursing our drinks for the better part of an hour. Bored with the same show, she started flipping channels until she stopped at a home-shopping network that was trying to sell weight-loss tea. We both laughed at the before and after images of men with humongous potbellies, and the overenthusiastic voice-over that seemed to suggest that all of life’s problems could be solved with just one sip. She changed the channels again, her fingers stilling when an ad for baby diapers began playing. She let the ad play and then abruptly got up and walked into the bedroom. I wasn’t sure if I should follow her but a little while later I ventured into the room and found her sitting on the edge of the bed, blankly staring at the cupboards.Not sure what I was supposed to do, I said, ‘I am going to get you your milk,’ and left without waiting for a reply. When I came back with it I found her lying down.‘Nat, milk.’She sat up and drank half the glass.I reached for the glass to take it back to the kitchen, but she put it on the side table instead, and said, ‘Leave it. I’ll drink this later.’‘Will you be fine?’ ‘Yes.’‘I am right across the corridor, call me if you need anything. Okay?’She nodded listlessly in response and I kissed her on the forehead before shutting the door behind me and going into my bedroom. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. It must have been an hour or maybe more after that when I thought I heard something and opened my eyes to see Nat standing by the bed.‘Nat? Do you need something?’ I asked, worried. She didn’t respond.‘Nat?’ I asked again, sitting up.Without uttering a single word she shucked off her jeans, then pulled off her t-shirt and stood there in just her white panties. Even in the dark I could make out the contours of her body and she was a sight to behold.‘I don’t want to sleep alone tonight, Sid,’ she began and, before I could say anything, she got into bed beside me. ‘Hold me, please?’As confused as I was I did just that. She turned on her side, pulled my hand forward and wrapped it around her so we were spooning. I was uncomfortably aroused and embarrassed by the thought that she would know that I was turned on at a time when she was so miserable. It wasn’t the same thing as being with Cara, who, in such a situation, would start stroking me as a prelude to some mind- blowing sex. All evening I had been battling thoughts; it was wonderful to have someone to take care of. Was I finally beginning to seek companionship? Why did taking care of Nat and her physical presence in my home make me feel a lot more comfortable than when I was with Cara?But this was not right. Nat was married. What was worse was that I was loving this so much that I selfishly wanted to seize the opportunity with both hands. I could tell that she had fallen asleep. Her breathing had become even and I could feel her body loosen up as she burrowed deeper into me. I reached for the air-conditioner remote, made the room cooler and snuggled deeper into the bed, holding her tightly, and willed myself to sleep.Tomorrow was going to be a new morning, unlike any other.