0.32

William

It wasn't that hard getting back into the flow of school, it was just hard avoiding everyone's questions.

I hadn't even told my friends yet, I just told them I was sick in the hospital. None of them believed it was just that, but didn't push me.

All the teachers kept asking, even though my mom told the school where I was and why. I'm sure the teachers already know, but they just wanted to hear it from me.

The appointments my mom set up weren't the worst. I had to go through a few sessions throughout the month before she diagnosed me. Then I had to get pills and vitamins.

I apparently have depression and anxiety. I tried to explain that I was a very happy person and all she said was, "but what about when you're alone? I don't think someone who cuts is happy."

Nicholas has been a little distant the past week or so, but he just said he was worried about me and school. I wanted him to talk to me, but he always just said, "worry about yourself, not me."

I wish I could just worry about myself, but it obvious that something was wrong.

My eating hasn't been the best. It was hard to eat dinner since my mom gave me large portions and would constantly say, "you can eat more than that and you know it."

A handful of times I've purged after I've eaten because I just felt awful. Normally, I would have to stay in the living room after I ate, but my parents became more lenient after some time.

I haven't been able to cut in a while because my mom raided my room, taking every single sharp objects. I still could find ways to, there's my pencil sharpener in my book bag, there's extra razors underneath my sink, there's glass picture frames.... I have ways.

"I don't think Iron is necessary." I mumble as I push a supplement into a tiny container.

"It is if you aren't getting any." Lucille shrugs, shoving a spoonful of cereal into her mouth, milk dripping down her chin. "Are you going to have breakfast?"

I nod, "yeah, I can't take these on an empty stomach."

"How are you and Nick?" She asked while pouring more cereal into her bowl. "You haven't talked about him in a while."

I nodded again, grabbing the bag of grapes. "We're good, I guess." I begin to take some grapes off their stem, placing them into a bowl. Lucille tilts her head. "We haven't been talking much... I feel like somethings wrong."

"When was the last time you talked to him?"

"I texted him this morning, but he hasn't answered." I inform her, setting the grapes aside. She frowns at the small amount I gave myself, but contiued eating. "He switched his schedule last week, so I have lunch with him now. I'll talk to him then."

I eat most of the grapes in the bowl, even though I only gave myself 15. I tilt the bowl of medicine and vitamins into my mouth, washing it down with a few sips of water

Nick- Good morning, my love. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you lately, just going through some stuff, nothing to worry about. I didn't mean to stop talking to you, Shorty. Can't wait to see your cute face today. Make sure you eat breakfast please! I love you so much, baby boy, see you soon.

I smile at the message I didn't even realize he sent this morning. The bell for lunch just rang and I was excited to see Nicholas, like always.

Once I stepped out the classroom, warm arms wrapping around me almost instantly.

I'm pretty sure it was known that we were together. People would ask and I would just tell them that we were. I didn't have to worry much about anyone judging, almost everyone is gay nowadays.

"Hi." I giggle as Nick kissed my cheek, holding me close to him. "What's up, weirdo?"

He shrugs while squeezing me softly before letting go. "Nothing, I'm just really happy to see you. Let's go."

"Wait." I huff, "can we talk real quick?"

"I... I mean, I guess so. Sure. Where at?"

"Right here, no one is paying attention." Nick leans against the wall, waiting for me to speak. "Are you doing alright?"

He nodded, "yeah, of course. Don't worry about it."

I frowned, squeezing his hand, "I am worried though. Why don't you talk to me about your struggled, Nick? That's what I'm here for."

"You have your own problems, you don't need to worry about mine." Nicholas pointed out with a shrug, looking down. He then shrugs again, "it's really nothing anyway."

He didn't sound very convincing. "That's not how it goes, if you're here for me, I'm here for you. It's a balance. You can't worry about me and yourself and not expect me to do the same with you."

"Your problems are more important, love." Nicholas remarks with a sigh. "You don't need to worry about me, I'm serious. I rather you worry about getting better than me."

"But Nick-"

"Let's go have lunch." He interrupts, kissing my forehead. "We'll talk later, in a more private area." I just huff but agreed, walking after him towards the cafeteria.

Nicholas doesn't like people, so he normally sits with only a friend or two at lunch. He didn't like my friends that much, so we only sat with them once before going to his friends.

They were nice, not very...social.

Nicholas says he doesn't have much friends because he picks people apart, but he didn't mind it.

We were sitting alone today, though. Outside and away from every, I was completely fine with that.

"Did you eat breakfast?" He questions as I sip on water, eyeing the food tray. I nodded. "What did you have?"

"Some grapes." I shrug, pushing around the burger. I plan on just eating the lettuce and meat inside of it.

"Some? How much is some?"

I clear my throat as I thought. "I... Well... I put 15 in the bowl, but I only ate 8 I think..." The frown on Nicholas's face quickly made me at, "they were big grapes though! Not just the tiny ones."

He sighs, squeezing onto my hand. "8 grapes... William... Nevermind, I know it's hard to eat in the mornings. Just make sure you eat all your lunch."

I scowl as I stare at the food. A burger, apple slices, and tater tots... I don't even know why I grabbed the tots, I knew I wasn't going to eat them.

"Okay."

Nicholas looks at me, sighing heavily. I tilt my head to the side, curious on his deep sigh. "It's nothing."

"You can't do that."

He smiles weakly before kissing my cheek, "I'll talk to you later. Right now, I just want you to eat."

I nodded, biting into a slice of apple.

Nicholas never did tell me what was going on. I had a feeling I knew why he was acting odd, but I didn't want to make assumptions.

I thought he would tell me when we met up for a few minutes after school, but he was busy telling me how he fell on track in gym, displaying his scraped elbows with pride.

I was just waiting for him to text me and tell me what was going on, but he hasn't yet. I didn't want to pressure him, that would only make things worst.

Like he said though, I should stop worrying. You're a shitty ass boyfriend if you don't worry. Selfish bitch.

I didn't eat much of dinner since I ate a majority of my lunch. I filled up on water, placing food underneath my mash potatoes before I said I was full.

Right before I was about to go to bed, even though it was only 8:30, my mom came into the room, saying a few things into her phone before hanging up.

"Nick's mom just called me." She says as she turned on my light. I groan at the sudden brightness, but my ears perked at her words involving my boyfriend. "She said he's not doing well at the moment. She asked for you to come over right away because she's having trouble calming him down."

I instantly sat up, frowning at the information, "really?" My mom shared the same frown as me, nodding. "I'll be back soon, I will text you and-"

"Stay as long as you need to." Without another word, she left my room, letting me get dressed.

I press my ear against the door, hearing the soft, muffled cries of Nicholas. My heart tore at the raw noise. I knocked on the door, not wanting to upset him by barging in.

"G-go away, Mom! Pl-please!"

I could've cried at all the stutter and heavy emotions in his throaty voice.

"It's not your mom..." I slowly open the door, looking into the dark room. All I could see was Nicholas's figure sitting on his bed, his cries quiet from a pillow being shoved in his face. Shutting his door, I quickly go over to him. "Nick?"

His head lifted in the darkness, small pants and sobs escaping his lips before he spoke, "hold me?"

Without a second thought, I climbed into his bed, lowering his head into my arms. My heart broke as he wept into my hoodie, his warm tears spilling onto it.

He began to blubber out words but he just contiued to cry after trying to speak. I held him firmly in my arms, tears beginning to leave my eyes.

I hated when people cried. It's like I could feel their pain without them having to say a single thing.

Humming softly in attempt to calm him, his body began to tremble under my touch, his  breaths quickening. They were shaky, loud breaths, almost as if someone was restricting him from breathing.

"Nick, breath." I instructed, holding his face, feeling his tears under my hands. His breath became more unsteady and his body shook. "Close your eyes, don't focus on anything else but my voice and your breathing, okay?"

He tried to mimick my calm breathing, but continues to sob uncomfortably.

"It's okay. You're going to be okay. Don't worry about a single thing." I rub his shoulders, swaying him gently. "I love you so much, Nicholas. So, so much."

His breath calmed slightly at my words, encouraging me to continue talking in a soft voice.

"Keep breathing, okay? It's going to be alright." Nick grabs one of my hands on his shoulder, gripping firmly onto it as he tried to control his breathing.

Minutes, which felt like hours, passed by and Nicholas was breathing more calmly, hiccuping pants as he did so. I went back from holding him in my arms, rocking him gently help him relax more.

I swirled my free hand in his hair as my other hand gripped onto mine.

"I hate it." Nicholas lowly began, lifting his head from my chest. "I hate reliving it all. I hate remembering every minute of everything. Why did I go over to him? Why did I trust him before it all? Why did I let my mom marry such a monster? Why did I..."

Nick sobs loudly, shoving his face back into my chest.

"You didn't know it would happen, Nick." I whisper, playing with his soft hair. "I will do everything I can to help with this. I can't relate in any level, but I'm here to comfort you. To listen. To kiss the booboo all better."

He lets out a small chuckle at the last part, sniffling. "Thank you, baby boy... It means a lot to me. You coming here this late means a lot to me, too."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

Nicholas kissed my hand that was gripping his, "I'm sorry I've been off lately, I didn't mean to. Just had a hard time coping, I guess."

"You could've talked to me."

He shakes his head, "you have enough to worry about." I sigh, not wanting to recite the conversation we had earlier. "I love you, William."

I smile at his words, kissing his head, "I love you too."

"I can't believe we've been together for 2 months, it's crazy." Nick spoke, rubbing the flex of my wrist bone. "Feels so much longer."

"It really has, hasn't it?" He slides up my sleeves, my scarred wrist exposed. Before I could speak, his warm lips pressed against it, peppering small kisses in the area. "What are you doing?"

"Kissing you."

I let him kiss up my arm, his lips finding mine soon. A few words left Nicholas's mouth and my eyes widened.

"Let me touch you."

"What?"

Nicholas rubs my shoulders, "I just want to admire your body. Every perfection of it."

I scowl, "you mean imperfections?"

"No, you're absolutely perfect."