1. Provence to Hampshire

My stomach knotted as I stepped off the train onto Petersfield's deserted platform. The wheels on my suitcase clunked on the concrete, echoing through the station as I dragged it behind me.

Why was I doing this to myself?

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I attempted to swallow. I was parched or stupidly nervous for no reason. Running my free palm over my jeans, I made my way to the kiosk for a bottle of water. That packet of Maltesers would do too. Share size? Pfft, they wouldn't last a minute once I opened them.

I checked my phone for any missed calls and sat on a bench facing the sparse carpark, keeping my eyes peeled for a red Ford KA. The bag of chocolates rustled as I ripped it open and tucked in. Each piece melted on my tongue as I savoured my bites. The longer I sat there, the longer I had time to think.

Funny how a year ago, I was in a similar situation but running away from this place. It only felt like yesterday I handed my final A level exam paper in, slipped home before my parents noticed, packed a bag and hopped on the first train out of Hampshire. The note, I stuck on the fridge for my parents, hadn't gone down well and the guilt ate away at me every day.

With no set plans and limited funds, I boarded a ferry in Portsmouth as a foot passenger and settled on travelling through France. My original idea, to visit the whole of Europe, came to an abrupt end when I ran out of money. I made it as far as a quaint town in the south of France, found a job to pay for my travels but every penny disappeared as soon as it made its way into my pocket.

I shouldn't moan. The people were extremely welcoming and the food delicious. Well, apart from all the fish.

After my last phone call with my mother, reminding me how selfish I had been, I agreed to come home. She transferred enough money over for a plane ticket straight back to England and the life I left behind. A weight settled in my gut as I thought back to my old life. Was my remorse from leaving so abruptly worth putting myself through it all again?

***

I snapped my head up as a car whizzed round the corner, tyres screeching and cheesy pop music blasting through an open window. Masses of curly blonde hair bobbed as one of my best friends flew out of the car and ran towards me. After the initial dread from coming home, I welcomed the giddiness I felt from seeing one of my friends.

My other best friend was still at university, in Cambridge and unaware of my return.

Sian wrapped her arms around me as I stood to meet her and swayed from side to side.

"You're back. Missed ya, Wilson." She buried her head in my neck and squeezed. "I'm so glad you're home."

I returned her embrace with less force, holding the chocolate packet away from her cream jacket. "I missed you too, Daniels. Hey, you changed your car." Peering over her shoulder, I took in the flash blue car she arrived in.

Sian turned towards it and sighed. "Not mine. My car broke down just as I was leaving work. Luckily, I know a good mechanic and they lent me a car. I would have rung to warn you I was running late but I am always late," she laughed, hauling my suitcase into the boot.

"New flavour of the month? I don't know many mechanics who would lend out cars that quickly or take yours in so fast."

Sian blushed and slammed her door. "Err, no. Just a friend."

"It's not like you to go all shy about your sex life. I would say love life but hey, it's you," I teased as I settled into the passenger seat. She was hiding something. I suspected she had a new man in her life but never dared bring it up.

I scraped my nails through my thick hair, combing some knots out and securing it into a high ponytail with the hair tie from my wrist. Some loose, chestnut brown strands escaped from the sides so I tucked them behind my ears and hoped I didn't look as dishevelled as I felt.

"Yeah, you know me." Forcing a hollow laugh out, she veered onto the road to take me home. "Talking of sex lives, did you finally give it up to that fine French boy, dying to get into your knickers?"

My nose crinkled. "Etienne? God, no! He was so sleazy. Hot, but whoa, was he full-on and as dense as a brick. Honestly, he needed to not speak and he would have been perfect. Just a few words in his sexy French accent would have suited me but no, he had to go all caveman and ruined it. What a turnoff."

Sian burst out laughing. "It's 'thick as a brick' not 'dense as a brick'! Glad some things never change and you still get your sayings all mixed up."

"Pretty sure you understood my point and that you can say both," I snapped, sinking further into my seat.

"By the way, have you told Alec you're home yet? He is back and I think you should tell him you are too before someone else does. I don't like keeping him out of the loop."

My heart sank as Sian mentioned my friend's name. I felt dreadful for leaving him behind when he was my rock after my breakup with Max. Ashamed, I kept our contact to a minimum the past year, and he did the same. We messaged every so often and were active on each other's social media, but that was as far as it went.

It was easier that way. I knew if I let myself think about him too much, I wouldn't have lasted the year. But God, did I miss him. Sure, Sian and I were close, but what Alec and I had was different. When everything around was falling apart, he was my one constant. It was only a matter of time before he left me behind. I was merely speeding up the inevitable.

I couldn't hold him back, and I needed to see if I could cope without him as my safety net.

"Let me have today before everyone else finds out I'm here. If Alec is home, he will be with Max and their friends and, well–" I chewed on my nails, gazing out at the passing countryside–, "it doesn't matter, anyway," I trailed off.

"You know Max and Joana broke up. He is very much single, not that I am encouraging you to go after him. That bloke is a massive bell-e—"

"Don't finish that sentence. He didn't lie to me. He never pretended we had a committed relationship. I just assumed when in fact we weren't that serious," I mumbled, shame prickling my scalp.

"Here you go again, defending that prick. He used you, cheated on you, and then made you feel guilty about it. He might have the ability to charm the pants off anyone, but that doesn't give him the right to go ahead with it. Especially while he is with my best friend."

They say time heals all wounds but hearing his name again resurfaced some pain buried deep down inside. Max Reed broke my heart and was one reason I left this place. With his reputation, I had heard about him and seen him around. After all, we lived in a smallish Hampshire village and most of us were born and raised here.

A few years older than me, he never paid me any attention until Sian and myself started going to our local Pub. Just shy of eighteen, legally I couldn't drink but my friends were already of age. Never one to miss out, I tagged along and got them to buy my drinks. Gerry behind the bar turned a blind eye, confident I wouldn't do anything to get caught by my father, a regular of The Crown Pub.

With nothing else to do in this dead-end village, Max and his friends hung around the pub and we spent more and more time together. When you lived in such a close-knit community, it was better to all stick together. His friends invited us to their parties and quickly, Max took a liking to me. He flirted like there was no tomorrow and I couldn't help being flattered. He wasn't your typical stud. What he lacked in looks, he made up for in charisma. Don't get me wrong, he was far from ugly. He just wasn't your classic pretty boy. He was tall with slight muscle definition from years of playing football and working as a builder. His messy, dirty blonde curls gave him a little lost boy edge but those dark eyes of his sucked you in.

The girls loved him and boy, did he love them. Sian wasn't wrong. He could charm anyone. Even a few of the boys would have gladly taken him home.

I played hard to get at first and he liked the chase, doing everything in his power to be where I was. Unfortunately, the novelty wore off, and that was when Joana appeared on the scene. I didn't blame her, she had no clue Max was supposedly taken. Looking back, the signs were all there. He always wanted us to be on our own and our friends rarely saw us together while in a couple. Were we ever really in a couple? I would see him less and less and then he would start screening my calls and not answering my messages. He only told me what was going on when I confronted him at his house. I had sat waiting for him after Sian found out he was with someone else.

He didn't even look fazed and dismissed it as if I had imagined our entire relationship.

He didn't hide his relationship with Joana. Lucky for me, I got to catch them together everywhere. I couldn't bear seeing them so happy and I spent my time comparing how he was with her to how he was with me.

It was unhealthy, and I needed breathing space or I would turn into the crazy ex everyone would want to avoid.

"Earth to Natasha." Sian patted my knee and smiled as I glanced up. "It will be okay. Let's forget about English boys for a minute. Tell me about those Frenchmen. I want to hear everything. Do they last all night or are they one-minute wonders?"

"What? How would I know? I spent most of my time working at the restaurant, and the only man I got near was Etienne the sleaze and I wasn't going there. You'll be pleased to learn little Nattie is still pure." A shiver ran down my spine as I remembered my colleague and his lingering hands; something I wouldn't miss.

"Your virtue may be pure, but we all know little Miss Wilson has a very sinful mind. How is that even possible? You have such a killer body with all those curves and you could give some of the boys a run for their money with that dirty brain of yours," she laughed and poked my side with a finger.

My mouth flew open as I gawked at my no-filter best friend.

"That doesn't mean I will start jumping anyone and everyone. I have some restraint and I just wasn't ready with Max and I'm glad I wasn't. Imagine how I would have acted afterwards, like a psycho. I'm not ashamed of my virginity. It's not something I feel I have to tick off some imaginary list, and I am not scared to talk about sex either. One thing my mum has taught me is to never be afraid of my body or of sex."

"Oh, I love you, Nat," she said, shaking her head as her eyes focused on the road. "That's the best yet."

"Oh, you little cow. I fell for it again." I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. We'd had this conversation before, and she only did it to check I'd give the same speech.

"We are here, Madame Wilson," Sian announced in a poor French accent. She flicked the indicator stalk up and parked next to the path outside my house. "We take credit cards, debit cards, chocolate coins or another massive hug before you go."

The clicking sound of the indicator echoed in my ears as I stared at my parents' cars in the driveway. They were both at home, yet neither one of them wanted to make the short journey to pick me up.

I let out an exaggerated huff and turned to Sian. "Do you want to come in for a bit?"

She scanned the front door and shook her head. "Not a chance. Sorry, sweet cheeks. Love you and all but even I don't want to face your mother after your little disappearing act. She had the cheek to blame me. I wish I'd had the idea. It was about time you had some fun and a break from your family." Sian leant over and gave me a bone-crushing squeeze. "You're one tough cookie. Don't let them get to you."

"Can't promise that." I grabbed my suitcase from the boot of her car. "Thanks for the lift. Call you tonight." I blew her a kiss and waved as she drove away.

Standing outside for a few minutes, I breathed out slowly to calm my racing heart.

"I hope I won't regret this," I muttered to myself as I pressed the doorbell.

***

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