[32] Everything Goes Away

The next few days were much of the same – eating, sleeping, trying to convince myself I did the right thing. My mum had definitely realised I wasn't ill by this point, but I think she still thought this was some kind of disastrous hangover from my father's visit. I kept it that way – I didn't care why she was letting me stay home, I was just happy she was. I couldn't face the idea of going back to school and seeing everyone in it. They were probably all having a field day right about now; having lovely gossip sessions about me and how ridiculous it is that that photo existed, especially Mackenzie. God Mackenzie was definitely having the time of her life by this point. More reasons why I didn't want to go back to school.

I just wanted to stay here forever – to never have to go back, never have to deal with everything that had now gone so wrong. I blamed myself for everything, of course I did. If I hadn't ever tried to make friends with Noah or Katie then I wouldn't have just lost them right now, I wouldn't become so distracted and Elliot would still be replying to my messages. Of course, my father wasn't my fault but at the same time it was in his eyes. What if he was right? I didn't want to explore the possibility, and pushed the thoughts away every time my brain got too close. Thinking about that would be like ripping a plaster off too early – you don't know what's going to seep out of the wound.

"VIA!" My brother's voice rung through the house and I furrowed my brows. What was he shouting me for? I let out a long sigh as I heaved myself upright and creeped out of bed. I undoubtedly looked like a mess; my hair hadn't been washed for what felt like forever and I was still in my mismatched pyjamas. I yawned, making my way down the stairs despite the excess of sleep that I'd gotten and that's when I saw my brother by the door, a twinkle in his eye that always meant trouble.

What's going on? I asked him, rubbing my eyes. I felt like a cave dweller that had just been dragged out into the daylight. To be fair, the comparison wasn't too far from the truth

He laughed, ruffling his hair. He was still in his school uniform – it was barely four o'clock and he was too lazy to change. What could he possibly want now? I just wanted to go back to bed to avoid my problems again. That was easy. Where's mum?

"Still at work," He said it obviously and I sighed again. I wasn't in the mood for his games! Why was he doing this to me? "Ok guess what?"

Theo I can't be bothered with this! What's happening?

"Ok drama queen!" He shook his head and I folded my arms, a faint smile tugging on my lips. If anyone could make me feel marginally better, it'd be Theo. "Now, what I was going to tell you – before mum might I add just to make you feel special – is that... Phoebe asked me out and I said yes!"

He immediately bursts out laughing, and I couldn't help but at least smile. My life might be a complete and utter mess at the moment but at least his is going well. That's all you can hope for right?

"Well say something then!" He prompted me but it felt like all of the words I could use would be wrong and sound stupid. I couldn't figure out if this was just a side effect of spending so long alone in my bedroom or just that I couldn't find the same happiness he possessed. It was all so complicated and my brain brought on the familiar stabbing feeling of a headache.

Well done? I presented him with the common phrase. It was a bad attempt at a congratulation and fell flat almost immediately, leaving me regretting it. So wait she asked you out?

"EXACTLY!" It wasn't awkward again because I didn't have to reply. I didn't have to physically run the risk of saying the wrong thing and sabotaging this whole relationship just like I had with every other one out there. I tried not to digress on the whole subject of myself to avoid my blatant narcissism but my mind circled the topic like a goldfish trapped in a bowl. I couldn't escape it no matter how hard I tried. "So it was break right and she just came up to me randomly and..."

My mind couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate with the pain at the front of my skull like a bird trapped in a cage. I had the unusual desire to just scream or break something, the wrecking balls in my brain urging themselves to come out and manifest themselves in real life. I resisted it as best I could, imprinting half-moons into my palms, forcing my fingernails to dig deeper and deeper until I couldn't stand it anymore. And then I'd do it over and over again, trying to hold on to the words coming out of my brother's mouth, attempting to stop them from just floating into the air to be forgotten. I wanted to cry and shout and punch something all at the same time, my hands trembling with the exhaustion of being restrained.

"Via?" He looked up at me expectantly and I met his eyes numbly.

Sorry... I'm just... That was the problem wasn't it? I wasn't just anything, I was a collection, a montage of problems that couldn't be corrected with a good night's sleep or an apology.

Nothing was going to sort itself out because all of these things were always going to happen. My father was always going to come back changed, Katie was always going to go back to Mackenzie, Noah and I were always going to break up. In some way, it was like an equilibrium had been reached again – the balance of how life was supposed to be was back to how it should be, and I'd just had a glimpse at what it would be like if it wasn't. I was born to be alone; I was born to be broken; I was born to be nothing.

XXX

There was a knock at the door at seven. I only faintly heard it, only partially absorbed the information that someone was at the door in my duvet depression. If I wasn't in this state I might have realised that my mum was already home meaning that there was a random visitor standing at the door but even then I would probably have written it off to be one of mum's friends. They came and went like that - my mum being the extraordinaire at giving advice and all - so I wouldn't have read so much into it.

Tuning it out through the power of earphones and Nirvana, I rolled over again groaning at the stupid headache that wouldn't budge. It was like the universe was torturing me - showing me what living was like and then putting me in an even worse position than before. And how had I responded? I'd just pushed away one of the only precious things away. A precious thing that was embarrassed by you, my mind reminded me but the more time I gave it, the more blame I piled on myself. It really all was my fault.

The door opening made me jump and I snapped my head over to the sudden noise to see Elliot's face. His black slicked back hair and familiar friendly smile that I could never forget. The small collection of freckles around his nose that stayed all year round and his wide chocolate brown eyes. Why was he here? The confusion must have showed on my face because he shook his head before signing,

Well we have a lot to sort out don't we?

Via tell me everything that's happened from start to finish! He looked at me expectantly and I was officially confused. Ok your mum called me this morning and said you'd spent the entire week holed up in your room so some major shit must have happened and I need to know what it is if I'm going to sort it with you!

Wait you're going to help me? I thought he didn't want to speak to me now he was with Alex and I'd been neglecting him? I thought-

No I've just been really busy ok? Not just with Alex but with mocks and ugh my maths teacher's been making me do extra revision sessions for like a month! He rolled his eyes dramatically in true Elliot style and I gave a faint smile. He didn't hate me. Anyway. Tell. Me. Everything!

I started well... at the start. But not with the beginning of this year - right back from my first day at the stupid school, including every single detail. Not caring about him judging me because frankly we'd known each other since we were ten - how could he judge me after so much time? The words kind of just poured out of me, my hands not stopping for emphasis, just merely narrating everything I had never told him, had never really told anyone apart from Noah. I went right over Harrison and Mackenzie and how everyone at school hated me and the picture and Noah and Katie and my father. How I felt encapsulated by the issues that I'd put on myself.

He stayed there a few minutes after I finished, taking it all in I supposed. It was a lot, I couldn't deny it. That didn't stop me suddenly gaining a sense of anxiety at his response, but what was done was done; I couldn't exactly take the words back and I didn't want to.

Why didn't you tell me? He looked into my eyes, seemingly close to tears and I couldn't help but replicate the feeling. Why didn't you tell me how bad school is?

I just... I thought I was dealing with it and I knew you'd get upset and angry, I didn't know how to explain it, and that's not a criticism of you - you're my best friend because of it - but it would have been so complicated to explain and I didn't want you to...Well...think less of me because of it all.

Via. That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard in my life! I gave him a look and he laughed, omg I've always thought you were strong ever since I met you! Nothing can change that.

Really? It was a surprise and looking back now I don't know why but it felt like the biggest weight lifted off my chest. Just knowing that one person in the whole entire world knew what I was going through and didn't blame me for my choices. Didn't think I was some abomination for being who I was.

We are best friends aren't we? He gave his 'duh' face and I laughed, slowly creeping out of the covers on my bed. It was then that I realised that my life was not screwed and definitely wouldn't be if I had anything to do with it.

Ahhh ok this is really scary but I think this may/may not be the second to last chapter of this book (minus the epilogue if there is one)!!! I actually cannot believe I've got this far without giving up and hopefully without messing it up too badly! I really hope the ending doesn't disappoint!