[30] messing with my head

I stood there for a few minutes, attempting to get my breath back. I didn't think I'd have such a violent reaction to seeing who was supposed to be my father for the first time in five years but you know, there it was.

"Oh hello, Via," He took a gulp, the same as Mrs Porter did whenever she was trying to skip over talking about sensitive subjects. I kind of understood it now, "Is – is Theo here?"

I tried not to directly look at him because it just made me want to burst into tears even more.

He was wearing the same faded blue jeans that I remembered from so many childhood memories and it was like for a moment nothing had changed. I tried to remind myself of everything that actually had happened in order to regain a sense of perspective again.

I put my hands up instinctively and then remembered that no, if I did try to sign, he wouldn't comprehend me. I shook my head slowly, racking my brain of things that I could do to try and get him to understand the message that he was a day early.

My notebook. Of course! The idea was like a massive lightbulb on top of my head like you see in cartoons and I rushed to my bag in the kitchen where I brought it out along with a pen. This was going to work, wasn't it? I suddenly had a flush of shame as I thought about the fact that I couldn't even communicate properly with my dad, but then anger set in; it wasn't my fault that that was the case. It still didn't mean that I could get all of those guilty feelings I'd obtained all of those years ago to go away though. Why did he have to suddenly appear out of nowhere now? If he was truthful the last time I saw him and really didn't care for me that much why hadn't he just gone and stayed there instead of coming back to stir everything back up? This was so typical of him.

I walked slowly, about to turn the corner when I heard his voice. Who could he be talking to now? I turned the corner cautiously and saw Noah behind him. This really couldn't get any better could it? Now my father that I couldn't stand to even look at was talking to my boyfriend that might not be my boyfriend after one small conversation. It was safe to say that this situation was not going to end well.

I could see Noah was going to reply until he saw me, his mouth gaping open. He had no idea why I hated my father and that wasn't great knowing how he always tried to make a good impression on people. I loved him for it of course, but at this point in time it would just make everything worse.

"Via," It was the only word he could muster and my father turned back to face me expectantly. I dropped the notebook.

Can you interpret for me? I asked, only looking at Noah and not at the stranger next to him. He nodded his head carefully and I smiled for the first time.

"Theo's not here because he's at a sleepover" He spoke slowly, understanding the movement of my hands. It was refreshing for someone to actually understand what I was saying again, "My mum said you were coming tomorrow?"

I was glad that with Noah translating for me; the hesitation and anxiety wasn't transferred. I wasn't even looking at my father, focusing instead on Noah completely. I think both of them could see that something was up.

"Today is the 8th isn't it?" He asked with his eyebrows raised. He always used to do that when he secretly knew he was wrong but didn't want to show it. It's funny the things you only remember when you see again isn't it?

"No sir it's the 7th" Noah answered before me.

"Oh." He stood there for a minute, probably contemplating what to do next. I didn't even know where he lived now – who knows, he might have had to drive a long way. "What time is your mother coming home?"

"Six o'clock" I replied through Noah. His signing had really gotten good now, and I really appreciated that in this present moment. My father looked at his watch with knitted eyebrows and I tried not to look at him for too long, but it was difficult when I kept recognising marks of who he used to be. The same mop of brown hair that he'd never bothered to change, the slight crease in his forehead that was always brought out when things weren't going quite right, the eyes that had a grey tinge to them. I knew those eyes because I had to stare them in the face every time I looked in the mirror. I resisted the urge to blow up in front of the both of them.

"Oh well... do you – do you think I could come in?" He gave a pleading stare and I had half a mind to tell him to leave immediately, but I didn't of course. I can't tell you why but I have a feeling it had something to do with me trying to bide my time before I had the hard conversation with Noah.

"Ok," I lead them both into the kitchen where an awkward silence had engulfed us all. It had got to the stage where I just wanted the floor to swallow me whole, and thoughts of how to escape this hellhole kept circling my brain.

Why did I say yes to this again?

My father resumed his place at the square dining table – though it wasn't really his place anymore was it? – and Noah sat opposite me. I looked at him and saw the constipated face I'd grown to love, something that put a miniscule smile on my face.

"So how do you two know each other?" My father looked between us and I was glad that for once I couldn't answer his question.

"We are well... I'm... Via's boyfriend," For now, I wanted to add but of course I couldn't and that wouldn't have helped anything anyway.

His eyebrows shot to the roof and I know that unnerved him a lot, especially after everything he said to me before. I guess in some way it served him right.

"Oh – I – I didn't know Via had a boyfriend," or anything that happened to her in the last five years and she's right in front of you. I needed to stop finishing his sentences in my head or it would just make me more mad.

His phone ringing made me jump and he apologised after looking at it – "I really have to take this." I was honestly pretty relieved. He didn't excuse himself, instead staying where he was in between us.

This is fun! He signed to me subtly and I couldn't help but smile. I was pathetic I know.

You're telling me! I raised my eyebrows at him and he laughed silently

Is this your dad? He asked and I realised that I hadn't actually introduced them. Way to go Via!

Yeah but... Should I tell him? It was more of a question of if I had enough time to tell him the story before the call ended it's really complicated to say the least

I can tell he gave a little nod

I haven't seen him in five years I informed him, making sure my signing wasn't big enough to gain my father's attention. He seemed pretty absorbed in his phone anyway, and I only found out he was coming yesterday so yeah...

How come he can't sign? He gave me a look that told me he genuinely cared about my answer, genuinely cared about me. Sorting the whole school mess out with him was becoming a harder and harder task. But I couldn't think about that now – not when my father was still in the house.

"Yes I'm just going to have to stay another day Delores – no big deal" He said into the phone loudly. I tried not to guess who Delores was.

Erm... he – he tried but... it never really worked out. It was the truth, just in its most simple form. I'll explain more when he leaves probably.

I looked down at my watch with dismay. 5:30. These 30 minutes were going to be hell.

"So..." He'd finished his call to Delores, who I still definitely wasn't thinking about and he looked awkwardly at me again. Would it be rude if I just left him here? I didn't owe him anything sure, so why did I care so much about what he thought when he'd already made his views clear so long ago? "How's school going Via?"

"It's going fine" I replied and Noah raised his eyebrows as if to encourage me to elaborate so that we have at least one thing to talk about, "We finished our coursework for English GCSE this week."

Noah gave a small smile and I returned one back, my stomach doing a double backflip.

"That's great!" He said not at all genuinely and the small piece of happiness that had come from Noah was ripped out again. "What did you have to do?"

"Oh we chose to write a story," Noah replied, keeping his eyes on me. I had a feeling he was trying to test the waters "I'm surprised Via hasn't mentioned it actually"

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. Why did he have to do this????? My father winced at the comment and rubbed my face with my hands in shame.

"Oh well err... it's been a while" He said as I involuntarily death stared Noah. This could have all been avoided – there is no point in bringing up where my father failed as a parent "Via's mother and I divorced a few years ago so I haven't been able to see Via as much as I want to" he gave a curt smile and that was a load of absolute bullshit. I haven't been able to see Via as much as I want to. Yeah right, because that's exactly why he'd never even called in the last five years. Why would he lie when he said it so plainly to my face?

Instead of giving a hard stare at Noah, I decided to go straight to my father instead.

"Don't give me that face Via – you know how hard I tried before." He said it nonchalantly and I couldn't deal with this at all.

"Not hard enough" I mouthed and went upstairs. I had a feeling it would have been so much more effective if I'd have shouted it, but that's been off the table for five years.