[12] For Me Here

I told myself that this didn't have to be the worst day of my life if I didn't make it. Trying to recreate my mum's optimism, I followed her into the chunky gates and through the front door. This wasn't going to be a nightmare, this wasn't going to be a nightmare, this wasn't going to be a nightmare. With each time my brain said it, the more I was unconvinced. This really was going to be a nightmare.

My mum turned and smiled as we went past some students, babbling loudly about nothing in particular. It made her happy because she thought that perhaps I could be like that, but it just made my stomach churn because I knew that it was never going to happen. I told myself that I didn't know that for definite, that I'd seen those sorts of stereotypes in films and they weren't real. High school wasn't necessarily a bad place, was it? I crossed my fingers behind my back out of desperation and prayed that school wouldn't become the thing that I secretly knew it would.

We walked into an office upstairs. I couldn't understand how mum knew her way around so well until I realised that she'd been here so many times before to discuss me and everything that came with it. It just made me feel worse if I'm honest; I hated being talked about, but I guessed that that was going to become more and more common here. My positivity was definitely flailing.

Mrs Porter introduced herself to me quickly, not even bothering to see if I'd respond; she knew the truth at least. She and my mum had a brief conversation between themselves as I stood awkwardly in the corner. It wasn't pleasant to be completely left out, I realised. This never happened at my old school, but I guess at my old school they could actually talk to me properly. After they'd finished, my mum waved goodbye and I was officially alone. This was going to be fun.

"So, Via, I was just saying to your mum that we understand your-erm" She took a big gulp. So, it was going to be like this then. "Your condition and I just want to say that we'll try to get you as settled into the school as best we can"

I didn't want to be mean, but I highly doubted this for many reasons. The first will always be that for people that spend most of their time with teenagers, teachers really just don't get them at all. Like, they would never dream of understanding the whole culture of teenagers and will therefore think they're helping me by trying to force friendships or do the exact opposite by just completely leaving me alone. I decided to stop being mean then and told myself that realistically my 'condition' as Mrs Porter called it, would never be truly accepted by students in a high school so if I'm being honest, there's nothing that the school can do.

"Ok, now here's your timetable, and as you can see here," She pointed to the first Monday on the sheet of paper I was now holding. Her hands were sweaty, and I noticed small droplets land on the schedule. Was I that intimidating? "You've got Biology first with Mrs Williams"

She led me on and I felt the high walls in the corridor swallow me up. With each step I felt smaller and smaller in the world, the positivity I forced on myself finally going bust and thoughts of the previous nightmares I'd been having about starting this school filling my mind. The familiar beads of sweat filled my brow and I quickly removed them with my sleeve. Why did my mum think this was a good idea?

She didn't introduce me, which I was especially grateful for, as that would have just made everything worse. I just sat at the back and tried not to make eye contact with everyone in the class turning around when the teacher wasn't looking to sneak a glance at me. I felt like an animal at the zoo – some curious exhibition -  and I didn't even know if they knew anything about me. I wished I was somewhere else for the entirety of the lesson, to be with Elliot in the park or even on my own in my bedroom. Just somewhere that wasn't here. I did the work at least so that had to be a bonus. That was why I was here, wasn't it? To learn? It felt like torture already, but I reminded myself that this was only my first lesson and things might improve. I resumed my crossed fingers under my legs.

Things were not going to get better. I spent another two lessons being stared at before lunch and that was when Mrs Porter showed me learning support 4. To be honest that wasn't all bad – I didn't have to brave the cafeteria – but then she spoke again.

"Ok, so, unfortunately, I've got some other things to sort out, so I'll have to leave you for a little bit if you don't mind?" She looked at me wide-eyed and I shook my head. "I'll see when I can come back, but you should know your way around by now"

Because after a total of three classes you can definitely make your way around 30. The logic in that made my face blush – what if I did get lost? I shoved a ham and salad sandwich in my face to stop my thoughts going out of control like they did too often and pretending like this wasn't the worst thing in the world. To be fair to myself – nothing CATASTROPHIC had happened, but it wasn't exactly pleasant at this point. I didn't really know what to think about it, so I decided not to.

Well, that was until last lesson. Now that really was catastrophic in all sense of the word, and yes it did have a lot to do with Harrison Taylor. He must have waited for me or something because he was stood straight against the corridor wall outside of English. I didn't think much of it – he wasn't even looking at me – but he suddenly loomed above me with a smile I'd rather like to forget. I had flashbacks of Little Red Riding Hood as he came closer and closer, whilst I retreated closer and closer to the stairs. My heart was beating fast in my chest, but still maintaining some normality as I made my feet try to move faster and faster. It didn't work.

"Well look who we have here new girl" He sneered like a Disney villain. I didn't get it – what did he want from me? "What was your name again?"

And yet again, I cursed myself for not being able to stand up for myself. Why did my 'condition' have to make me so weak and vulnerable? All I could do was edge backwards, knowing painfully that this was not going to make the tiniest bit of difference.

"Not answering, huh?" He said after a few seconds, tilting his head. I stared at him wide-eyed trying not to look like Bambi. What the fuck was happening here? "Well, at least it seems you can hear what I'm saying"

I had no idea what that was supposed to mean, and I didn't want to know. My legs wavered, refusing to move and my palms felt raw and sweaty.

"Or do you? Well, I'm going to have to figure that one out on my own" He finally reached me, his toes encroaching territory directly in front of mine. The warmth from his long body radiated into mine and I knew then that this was something to be survived, that I just had to deal with whatever this was and then I could go home and find my duvet.

His fist found my skin.

I dropped to the floor, not even bothering to trust my legs any longer. I just had to get through this, my brain told me between laboured breaths, I just had to get through this.

And it went on, his loud insults banging on the walls of my skull like a bird trapped in a cage. My vision was depleting, black spots coming in and out of the scene and my incompetent mind tried to imagine what I would be doing if it weren't for this... monster.

I imagined myself on my bed, floating on top of the covers like a tiny insignificant boat on a large expanse of sea. I was being engulfed by my duvet, wrapping itself around me tightly, cushioning my fragile bones. I was there, I was there, I was –

Thud. My small body being thrown into the strong brick wall by a guy I didn't even know the name of. I didn't get any of it, but I knew that in his eyes, that made no difference. I was sure that if I could cry out, or scream or whatever, a teacher would have heard it, would have found me. But as hard as I wanted to forget it, I wasn't the Via I wanted to be – I wasn't the one in the parallel universe that had tons of friends that had conversations with her on the phone till three in the morning, I wasn't even the one that didn't go to this school – I was the Via that was stuck in this place, in this body. And that wasn't going to change any time soon, so neither was this situation.

The floor felt cool on my cheek, and the sounds of his footsteps grew more and more faint. I just lay there, unmoving, trying to sort out what the fuck just happened. I didn't know whether to be angry or just embarrassed with the knowledge that I just got beaten up by some guy that I didn't know. All I knew was that telling Mrs Porter would decidedly be a bad idea; it was only my first day after all and I'd probably already caused some trouble to her job by existing in the school.

XXX

I counted breaths as I gradually walked home, blasting music through my headphones as loud as they would go. Anything to forget my future.

"How was school darling?" My mum called from the kitchen with the sound of the door opening. She stuck her head out of the door, an expectant face that would ultimately be disappointed, I thought to myself.

Fine. I told her and sprinted up the stairs, avoiding the drop in her features. I had a feeling that wouldn't be the only thing I would lie to her about.