[10] I Want to Be Normal

VIA

I didn't like Biology as much as I usually did on Monday. It was fifth period and I was desperately trying not to think about the fact that I had this stupid BSL class afterward. Trust Mrs Porter to sign me up for something like that – chances were it was another box to tick on her list. I was using my weekend to distract me; I'd gone to a theme park with my mum and Theo and luckily because I was using sign language, people assumed I was deaf and didn't look too aggravated when I didn't speak. They did end up talking ridiculously loudly at my face before my mum told them to stop though, but that's just how it goes. I'm pretty sure Elliot wouldn't have appreciated it either, and he actually is deaf.

I went on just about every rollercoaster because I honestly really felt like it after the week I'd had. Something about forgetting everything you'd been storing in your head for the thoughts of near-death really helped when it came to my obsessive thinking about Noah. At least I trusted him for now.

And just like that, I was thinking about him again. I'm impossible!

"Did you break up with him then?" Mackenzie broke my thoughts and I focused on the conversation in front of me; I can't lie that I was slightly invested in Katie and Dan's existing/no longer existing relationship. I guessed it was because I had nothing better to be concentrating on right now.

"Erm..." She looked down at her black converse.

"Fuck's sake still not?!" Mackenzie's face was a lot angrier than I was used to seeing it and I had no idea why she was so irked by it "Katie are you dense? He cheated on you twice!"

"Ok, ok, I'll break up with him." Her quiet tone suggested that she was also in the dark "Mack are you ok?"

This could go one of two ways, I decided. Mackenzie would:

A) Go mental at this question and overreact

B) Appreciate Katie's concern and tell her what's up

My guess was pretty obvious, and I realised I was on the edge of my seat to see which one it would be. And then the bell went, and I sighed heavily. Fucking BSL lessons – they were going to be shit anyway – after all I did know BSL pretty well since it was my only real form of communication. And Noah was going to be there as well, just to make the whole situation better.

Fuck me!

XXX

I was the first one in the room, which didn't really surprise me considering the reaction that the announcement of the club got in tutor. The year 8 boys poked fun out of it the entire time and the year 9 girls (basically the Katie and Mackenzie's of their year) swatted their perfectly straightened blond hair from their face like it was so beneath them to attend such a thing. I got it; I hadn't met anyone who knew BSL without a reason like they had a sibling that was deaf, or they were deaf themselves. I was a bit of a special case, but wasn't I always? Anyway, my point is that nobody knows BSL that doesn't have to normally which is really sad but just the way the world is at the moment.

Even the teacher wasn't here yet, so I sneakily took my phone out to text Elliot because honestly who is going to tell me off right now? I had no idea what had happened to him over the weekend because frankly, he hadn't messaged me. I wasn't worried – we all had exams to prepare for, right? – but it was a bit disconcerting; Elliot never ignored me for this long. Luckily he replied quickly after my text:

Guess where I am?

Where? And don't make me feel jealous by sending me a picture of you on holiday in Lanzarote or something!

In what world would I go on holiday without telling you?

I don't know – it could have been a surprise one or whatever

Have you met my family?

Yes – your mum's the kind of lovely person who would actually take you on a surprise holiday

Are you saying that yours wouldn't?

Via, you know my family as much as I know yours. In no circumstance would they ever take me on holiday as a surprise. You saw enough when we first met to know that

Ok, Ok, I'm going to change the subject. Also, just so you can be sure, I'm not, I repeat NOT on a surprise holiday.

Good – I officially don't have to worry about being jealous.

So where are you then?

Mrs Porter's making me go to BSL classes after school on Mondays

WHAT? But you know BSL?!

Apparently, I could make a 'valuable contribution' to the class

Well, that sounds like great fun

Don't even!

Do you even know anybody else that's coming?

Elliot...

Yes darling?

Don't overreact when I say this please

Me? Overreact? What are you chatting?

Ok so my English Partner's coming

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THIS IS SO PERFECT!

I don't know why I even tried to stop this

'He hates me' my arse! He obviously likes you if he's coming!

ACTUALLY, Mrs Porter's making him go as well

That doesn't matter – you can just bond even more – especially as he'll be learning sign language!

I rolled my eyes and laughed silently to myself. Where would I be without Elliot eh?

"Who are you talking to?" My head snapped up at Noah's voice and for the millionth time I cursed myself for not being able to reply. I just stared hard at him with no particular expression on my face because I couldn't exactly say anything to him, could I?

"Hi guys!" An enthusiastic voice came from behind Noah. A man in his forties that was slightly on the fatter side with receding hair strode into the room and I immediately jumped off the desk I was sat on. "I... oh wow it's just you two! And I'm guessing you're the one Mrs Porter was talking about?" He pointed to me "Via, isn't it?"

Yep, that's me! I signed, trying to ignore Noah's boggled expression. Surely me signing wasn't that impressive?

"Ok," He sat on the teacher's desk with a pensive expression "Frankly, we don't actually have enough members to be allowed by the school to run the club." He explained "However – I'm not going to lie here – I'm getting paid for this – and chances are you're doing this for your CV, so it's a win-win situation if we keep it on?"

I shrugged and nodded my head because after all, this would look good for the course I needed to get onto.

"I know it's probably bad to lie to Mrs Porter, but to be honest from what I've seen of her I can't help thinking that it won't be that hard?" I couldn't help but laugh – I already liked this teacher and he'd only said a few words. It was going to be awkward to keep this from Mrs Porter, but Noah was smiling and I guessed that was that. We were officially going to be lying to Mrs Porter for something we didn't even really want to do. I couldn't quite believe it.

XXX

"Ok, so I guess that's the end – we haven't really done much I know, but to be fair, we did have to set a lot of things up." Mr Anderson, the BSL teacher told us after we'd finished greetings. I'd become the glamorous assistant because I obviously didn't need to learn how to sign, but Noah seemed to be enjoying it which I was glad about for many reasons: one of the most important being that hopefully soon we could communicate without using notebooks or texting. "I promise it'll be better next week – luckily with only one real student we should be able to get through the content super quick!"

At the start, I hadn't really known what I felt about Mr Anderson. I mean, he wasn't exactly like any teacher I'd ever met before, but certainly, after he said all that about Mrs Porter and genuinely treated me like a normal human being, I couldn't ever hate him. He seemed to be someone who got it, you know? Like he actually understood that, no I couldn't talk, but yes, I had thoughts and yes I had feelings. I can't tell if that was just because he could understand sign language though, so it was all a bit messy in my brain.

"Bye, and thanks," Noah said, leaving the room and I left soon after. Something about Noah not telling Mr Anderson that he was made to do the lessons made me feel better and I did and didn't know why. It was like Elliot had put it; Noah learning sign language just made the possibility of us hanging out more likely. And I was absolutely fine with that.

XXX

I went home and found myself lay on my bed again. The ceiling wasn't even that special and yet I was always looking up at it, listening to obscure indie music whilst trying to forget about life. I couldn't quite push away Noah's words from Friday – he wanted me to tell him everything – so why was I so opposed by it? It's not like I was a murderer or anything, so why was I so ashamed by my life? I knew then that it was because it would change everything. He would go back to thinking I was abnormal, and maybe not a freak, but still not vaguely normal. It's why Mrs Porter gulped every time she spoke to me and why teachers talked about me in hushed voices – my problems were so abnormal that it created a massive divider that would never go away no matter how hard I tried. And I also had to consider that, even though Noah said he wouldn't, he could go and tell his friends, including Harrison. I didn't want everyone to know, even though they wouldn't tease me about it. I just wanted to get through this year as quickly as possible – drama-free – but it looked like that wasn't going to happen, so I was just going to have to deal with it as best I could.