Chapter 21

He Tells Me He Loves Me, And I Want To Hit Him

Shea

"Shea baby, can you come down here?  I'm in the laundry room."  Wars deep voice carries up the stairs and down the hall where I'm gathering laundry from the upstairs bathrooms.  I do laundry almost every day, how in the world do the kids go through that many clothes?  I mean seriously, between the boys teams and practices, play clothes for the girls, and school clothes, along with towels and washcloths, I'm doing laundry almost constantly!

"Ok, I'll be right down, is there anything in the dryer?"  I'm dragging 2 giant baskets down the stairs as I round the corner, I meet War who grabs both baskets from me.

"What's up?  Is something going on?"  All of a sudden I'm nervous, did the boys get into trouble again?  They're still on lockdown after last months fiasco.

"No, I just want to talk, the kids are all out, and I think it's time we clear the air.  The boys took the girls to lunch and then a movie, so we've got several hours just the two of us.  It's time Shea baby, I know you've been avoiding this, you're nervous, but there's nothing to be nervous about, we just need to put words to all the stuff we've been dancing around.  Ok?"  War finishes loading the first round of laundry, then guides me to the living room.

"I don't want to talk about this, can't we just go forward, start fresh?  Leave the ugly and sad behind us?  I really don't want to go back there War!"  I'm starting to get mad, because I honestly think that we should just leave the past in the past, but I knew he wanted to talk this through, ugh.

"Fine, but, I don't want to, this is all on you War!"  I huff as I sit in the big chair, War pulls an ottoman up next to me, and sits on it, so we're facing each other.

"Baby, we're back together in all ways, except for the sex and the words.  I'm sleeping on the couch every night, I'm doing the car pools and helping with the market shit and all the other crap you did by yourself.  But now you don't have to, I'm here, I want to be your husband, I think you want that too,  we just don't talk about it, I know that you've got some things you want to say, but you gotta say them babe.  We can't pretend that the shit times didn't happen, we gotta move past it.  I love you, let's move forward, ok baby?"  War has my hands clasped between his, and I think I want to hit him.  His stupid placating sweet and sincere voice makes me want to hurt him, why is he making me do this?

"Fine, you want to talk War, then you start, just know that I don't want to do this, I want to just move forward.  Is this because you want to have sex?  Is that why you're making me go through this?  We'll have sex again, you can move into the bedroom, we don't have to rehash everything!"  I can't believe he is doing this, freaking asshole, he just doesn't want to sleep on the couch anymore.

Taking a deep breath, he squeezes my hands and looks into my eyes.  His face is serious and sad, his eyes are full of all the regrets he has that I don't want to think about or talk about anymore

"Baby, you know this isn't about sex, yeah I fucking want to sleep in our bed and love on you every night, but it's more than that and you know it.  I've fuckin loved you forever, but I fucked up and threw a bomb into our lives, then I tore out on my bike to leave you to deal with the fallout by yourself.  I left you at the worst time in your life, you lost your brothers and I failed you again.  I wasn't here to help you or love you, to heal or help you, I just was fucking gone."  His voice is raspy and his eyes are watery, the more emotional he gets, the calmer I become.  I watch him as he lays his soul bare, digging up every hurt and injury he gave me, but I watch, and I start to burn in the iciest of ways.

"I think when I left, I didn't expect to be gone so long, I left, I got my payback, but I stayed gone.  I was embarrassed and ashamed, but more, I was too fuckin scared.  You saw me at my fuckin lowest, just a fucked up asshole who lied to you then abandoned you.  I was afraid if I came back, you'd already be fucked of me.  I was afraid you'd moved on, so I was a little pussy who didn't read texts or listen to messages because I was afraid you or someone else would be telling me it was over.  So as long as I didn't look at the messages, then it couldn't be over.  In my heart and brain, we could never be over.  I learned while I was gone, that without you, I just breathe, I'm nothing and no one.  My life and world are you, I didn't start living till I was back here with you.  You wouldn't talk to me or look at me, the kids hated me, but you looked like you didn't care at all.  I didn't exist for you, I was someone who just took up space in your life, an obstacle you had to walk around.  It fuckin killed me baby, but I'd earned it, I knew that all I deserved was the shadow you cast when you walked around me.  So I tried to do what I could for the boys, it wasn't to try to manipulate you, it was cuz I knew that part of Rocky and Jax that I could share with the boys.  And you let me, you let me talk with them, and I saw you, how they all saw you as the sun that warmed them.  After a while, they trusted me, I just wanted to be around you guys, because you're everything baby.  So I did my best, teaching them about Rocky and Jax, and little by little, they let me in, first the boys, then our girls.  But you kept me out, even when I started having dinner with you guys, I was still outside your heart.  I watched you live and thrive, you loved the kids and you were a family, I watched you go on dates and that fucking sucked.  But it was my fault that I was on the outside, it was my fault you had to see other guys, I did that to us, so I accepted it, because I fuckin earned it.  Fuck me, I did that to us and it fucking hurt."  His voice is raspy, and he rubs his hands through his hair, settling his elbows on this thighs, resting his head in his hands.

I know this man, I've known him almost all my life, some of what he said isn't a surprise, some of it is.  I almost feel as if I'm watching a movie, I'm a few degrees removed, like I'm analyzing this conversation, it feels almost like there's ice in my chest, then it starts to melt, and I'm slowly starting to get angry, a firey rage is building in my heart, and I just want to scream at him.

"I was in the hospital, not really even processing what had happened to me, and there you were, my husband, my heart, and you told me you were leaving.  Fucking leaving!  You left me in the hospital feeling broken and a failure.  My brothers kept saying you'd be back, the guys were telling me that you would return, that our love was real, and big, and too strong to break.  But you never returned, you didn't come when I needed you most, you were gone.  I knew you were alive, because Dev would know if you'd died, so I knew you were alive and living far away from me.  Because that was your choice, not mine, yours, you left and you stayed gone."  My words are calm, I'm speaking quietly, but the anger is building, I can feel the look of disgust that is on my face.

"Baby, I'm so sor...."  War starts to speak, but I don't want to hear his hurt anymore, he's going to hear mine.

"No, you spoke, I know you were broken, you were hurt, you were sad, you left, blah blah blah.  I know all that War.  I also know that I loved you, I told you that, you knew that I loved you, and you still chose to run away.  I don't care that you were getting your revenge, or that you thought you didn't deserve me.  You know what?  You didn't deserve me or my love then, because you threw my love in the trash and left me behind.  I was loyal and I waited for you to figure yourself out, but you didn't, and you didn't return.  You came after my family died, after the guys and the club helped put the kids and me back together, that's when you came back.  And you didn't come back for me or the kids, you came back for the club, so that really shows me where we rank in your priorities."  Taking a deep breath, I realize that tears are falling down my cheeks, my voice is calm, quiet and strong, but I'm feeling this hurt that I'm throwing at him.

War watches me, tears in his eyes, guilt in his expression, pain leaching out of his every pore.  I know he's hurting, but I keep going.

"After I'd had the kids a few months, I was making a will, in case I died, who would take care of the kids?  I was talking to Dev, and he asked me what about you?  I realized that I hadn't thought about you in months, I was so busy with the kids and our new world, that you were out of my head.  I told him I wanted it over, I was done, could he help me organize the divorce, and that was it.  When I saw you that day in the club, I thought 'This is the last time I'll see the man I thought I'd love forever', I was over it, we were done, the kids and I were now the priority, you were history, the past."  I take a deep breath, and start to talk, when War begins.

"You were never last priority, you were everything, I'm sorry I made you feel that way.  I was stupid and lost and hurt, and I threw that all on you, I'm so fuckin sorry Shea baby."  Wars voice is husky with emotion, he reaches for my hands.  Pulling back from him, I close my eyes and releasing a deep breath, I let him grab my hands.  He holds them tightly clasped between his, his thumbs slowly rubbing on my wrists.

"Watching you with the kids, showed me glimpses of the man I had loved, and after a while I realized that I still loved you.  But oh man, I didn't want to love you when I didn't even like you!  I hated you War!  You hurt my brothers and they will never know that you are here and regret what you did, I hate that you let them down!"  Shaking my head with anger, I keep talking.

"They were so loyal to you War and you hurt them.  You abandoned all of us, just left and that was it!  I waited for so long for you to come back, but when you did it was too late.  Too much had happened and I couldn't give you the time or energy, the kids needed me, and I had to be there for them."  Taking a deep breath, I get to the heart of the conflict.

"When I saw how you were with the kids, how much your presence and words and memories meant to them, I let you in, a little.  But I was so wary, so careful that you would leave them again, I was watching everything to make sure you didn't abandon them.  But then I saw that you were steadier, there was a silence in you, a strength that hadn't been there before.  So I made a choice to trust you, a little, I gave you small tests, little opportunities with the kids.  Every time you passed one of my tests, I let you in more, I didn't even realize it at the time, but all of a sudden you were a part of us.  So much a part of the kids lives, a big part of mine, but now I see I've let you in to a point, but I haven't let you all the way in.  I don't know if I can War, I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to take that risk, I don't know if I want to take that risk with you."

"I love you, I know you love the kids and me, but I loved you before and you let me down, for years you failed our love.  So many times I've been tempted to start fresh with someone else, someone who I don't have this raw and hurtful past with, a clean fresh beginning.  But when I start to do that, I know that I can't give someone my love, when you still are in my heart."  Closing my eyes, I dig deep, figuring it out as I go.

"I'm afraid, but I also know that now you're the man I always saw, even when you didn't see it yourself, I saw the man who I entrusted my life to.  I'm going to try War, I'm going to trust you again, and let you in to my family again, I've been half in and half out, but I'm all in now, lets go forward."  Simple and easy words, but words that are so difficult to say, and words that weigh so heavy.

All of a sudden I'm swept out of the chair and in to Wars arms, he's kissing my face, holding me tight in his arms as my feet dangle off the ground.  Wrapping my arms around him, I look up into his face, his eyes are bright and shining, his smile radiant, this is the man I love.

"Shea baby, thank you, you will never know a moment of doubt, I will never give you a reason to worry that you made the wrong choice.  I swear baby, your life will be so good, I'm gonna give you all the love, take care of you and the kids.  I'm your partner, you will never be alone again.   God I fuckin love you so much!"  His mouth slams onto mine, his kiss hard and passionate, and then slowly he pulls back, dropping his forehead to mine, we just breathe for a few moments, processing the moment.

"I was dead, just going through life, doing jobs for the club, but dead, knowing I'd fucked up, but not knowing how to fix it.  I hurt you so bad for so long,  and after all that, you're still letting me in, I don't have the words baby, I'm so fucking grateful, and sorry, happy and its just fucking unreal that you love me again.  Thank you baby, I will never let you down!"  He gently ghosts his lips over mine, then his tongue traces my lips, slowly sliding into my mouth, our tongues dance and it's the boy I kissed so many years ago, the man I married, and my best friend kissing me now, a world of love wrapped into kisses.

"OOOooooo.... War and Shea sitting in a tree K I S S I N G!!!!"  Sings Tess.

"God stop it!  My eyes are burning, I don't want to see that!"  Groans Rock.

"Are you guys all lovey again?  Will you wear your rings again Aunt Shea?"  Asks Claire.

"Finally, you got your shit together, what's for dinner, I'm hungry."  Declares Tell.

"Whatever you little animals, yes, Aunt Shea and I are back together, yes, she'll be wearing her rings, and thank fuck she let me back, I love you little monsters!"  War laughs as the kids come over and hug with us, our family is a unit, it's whole and scarred, but full of love.