Chapter 19

Little Bead Bracelets And Big Fuckin Feelings

War

The past month has been a contrast in opposites thats fuckin with my mind and sanity.   Stoner and I spent 2 nights in the hospital in Oregon, we were pretty much ok, but we both had concussions, stitches,  some minor breaks, and major road rash, so the hospital kept us for a few nights, we bagged some IV meds, slept a fuck ton (thank you IV meds), then we jumped in some trucks the brothers drove down, towed our sad assed bikes back home,  and have been recovering here ever since.

That's all good, no worries, we were so lucky, we could have fucking died from some god damn random logs rolling off a truck, so fuckin fortunate, I get that and I appreciate it.  What I'm struggling with is the hot and cold I'm getting from Shea.  I know I deserve the cold, I'm pretty much used to it, I've been working my way back to trust town, it's been a slow trek, but I know we've made progress.  "Patience Jack Ass, Patience", the words I repeat to myself too many times a day.

Then this accident happens, Shea and the boys drove down, stayed with us until we were released, they drove us back, well me anyway, Stoner was in a car with Dev.  I know this accident traumatized the kids and Shea, it was too fucking close to when they lost Rocky and Jax, so I get the emotions being all over the place.  I just don't want to do the wrong thing, and blow up all our progress, fuck it, my progress.

When Shea burst into the hospital room I was in, I was half out of it, doped up on pain meds, and post surgery to fix my arm.  I was so fucking out of it, I saw her come in crying, and it fucked with my head, I thought we were still together, she was crying, I was trying to help her, Rock looked just like his dad, I was thinking that Teller was Jax, I was so messed up.  Shea was crying and I was trying to calm her, telling her I loved her, thanking 'Rocky and Jax' for taking care of their sister for me.  Then like an asshole, I fell asleep.

When I woke up a few hours later, I was a little clearer about who was who, but Shea was sad and freaked out, the boys thought it was kind of funny, but Shea was so damn sad.  She spent the next couple of days nursing Stoner and me, then kind of ignoring me, but taking care of Stoner, the boys were just there helping, and watching with undisguised amusement.

They ran to get food and drinks, made sure Shea would get back to the hotel to sleep, kept us company, and then helped sort out the bikes, the ones that could make it back to the club, and loading up the ones that were headed to the shop.  The boys showed all of us that they're in the mid point of boy to man, and they are 100% the men their dad raised, taking direction, taking initiative, tending to their aunt, I'm so fucking proud of them.  I get why Shea gets teary, knowing that her brothers are missing all of this, watching the boys grow up, it gets me teary sometimes too.

Through it all, it felt like Shea and I had gotten closer, even when she wouldn't look at me or talk to me, she was still connecting to me.  I'd feel her soft hand run down my face, or her fingers combing through my hair, but only when she thought I was asleep.  When I was awake, she would pull back, talk to the other guys, the boys, nurses, anyone but me.  She was retreating back behind her protective wall, but I saw the cracks in the wall, the light is starting to shine through, and she's fuckin scared.

I know my girl, and she was afraid I was gonna bite it, and that scared her into acknowledging to herself, that she still loved me, and that's something she doesn't know how deal with.  It's ok, I get it, I don't know how to deal with a life without her, so, she's just realizing, that she doesn't want a life without me.   That right there is the mess her mind is in, her heart wants me back, but her mind is saying 'no fucking way'.  She's always been the smart one out of the two of us, but I love her enough to wait it out, she'll work through the shit pile of doubt I gave her by keeping secrets then leaving her.

But, back to the here and now. I've got my arm in a cast still, the stitches are all out, my skin is healing from the road rash, though I'm still pretty raw.  The bulk of the injury is on my right side, and back, it started out looking like raw and bloody hamburger meat, now it all looks like dried out gnarly beef jerky, neither are a good look, but fuck if I care, I'm here and I'm breathing, I win.

"Boys, come in for dinner, Aunt Shea says it's almost on the table, Dog, you can stay, Aunt Shea fixed you a plate.  Your dad is going to come over later.  You can sit next to me."  Claire bats her eyes at Dog, and skips out of the garage.

"Fuck Dog, she has such a crush on you, I bet she makes you one of her little bracelets, it'll say 'Claire Hearts Dog', or maybe 'Be My Boo Dog', Teller and Rock are cracking up over their little cousins heart eyes for Dog.

"Knock it off assholes, how do you think she'd feel if she heard you right now?"  I'm trying to be the grownup here, but they are kind of funny.

"Yeah, sorry, she's sweet and smart but she has no clue that you're anything but sweet Horn Dog.  Fuck, after seeing you at Cindys party last weekend, there's no way in hell I'd ever let you near my cousin!"  Rock is starting to realize the responsibility he has in protecting the girls.  Good, maybe it'll help me out when the girls get older, hopefully Claires crush on Dog will have disappeared by then, because the kid lives up to his nickname of 'Horn Dog'.

"She's a nice kid, leave her alone, and fuckin stop teasing me about it!  She's a little kid, it creeps me out when you say that shit!"  Dog actually shivers in disgust at the idea of Claires crush, good to know.

"I forgot to tell you that Aunt Shea said to make sure you wash your hands first."  Claires voice is quiet and she's staring down at the garage floor, as soon as she finishes talking she turns around and runs back into the house, disappearing as quickly as she appeared.

"Fuck, she heard us, didn't she War?"  Rock asks me, his face serious and downcast.

"Yep, I think she did, and this young assholes, is why you don't make fun of little girls or their feelings.  Because even though their bodies are small, their feelings are really big.  Fix it, apologize, let her know you were being dicks, and you didn't mean to hurt her feelings."  Rock and Tell wash their hands and hustle on in after Claire.

"I'm fuckin sorry War, I didn't know she'd hear, but she is young, I hate it when they say that shit, it makes me feel like some kind of Uncle Bad Touch."  Dog is mad, and I don't blame him.

Sitting around the table, Claire is sitting between Tell and Tess, the boys are all awkwardly quiet, and Dog is only talking to me and Shea.  Tess is babbling about a new story she found in the library, and Shea keeps sending me questioning looks about what's up with the kids.

"Claire, did you give everyone the bracelets you made for them?  She used almost all her beads Aunt Shea, so we probably have to go get more this weekend!  Mine is yellow and green, yours is pink and purple, she even made one for ...."  Tess is sharing with excitement and pride all the effort her sister went to in making the bracelets when Claire quickly interrupts her.

"No, I didn't finish them, I didn't make any for the boys, I just made them for you and Aunt Shea, and one for Uncle War.  I don't want to talk about it anymore, can I be excused, I have homework."  Before Shea can respond, Claire is running out the door and up the stairs.  The boys are all looking at the table, Tess is confused, and Shea seems to have figured it out.

"Well, it seems like I missed something that went on in the garage, anyone want to explain why Claire left the room crying, and why a pile of her beaded bracelets wound up in the kitchen trash?"  Shea is staring right at Rock and Tell, so it's safe to say she's onto them.

Later That Night

"Thanks for staying and talking tonight War, I know you need to get home, but I really appreciate the help with the boys.  I swear no matter how many times I tell them, they still relentlessly tease the girls, tonight was just another example of them talking without thinking."  Shea is tired, sitting on the couch, half asleep, and still taking care of the kids.  She worked a full day, cooked for all of us, the boys and I cleaned up while she got the girls ready for bed, but she still has several more days to work this week, she's wearing herself out.

"They're boys Shea, they have fucking zero sensitivity, they were just screwing around, teasing the girls like they tease each other.  They felt like shit when they saw how hurt her feelings were, and they really did try to fix it, she was laughing at them later, before she got in bed.  I think they fixed tonight, but I really think they figured out the bigger picture, that they need to treat the girls with a sweet touch, they aren't used to that, it'll come in time, they're good kids.  You've done a great job with them, you should be fuckin proud baby, I'm proud of you."  I'm trying to show her how wonderful she is with all of them, she's the kind of mom all kids need, but she's too tired and worked up to hear me.

"Yeah, I know they're good, it's just sometimes, I see them act like little assholes, and I remember my brothers and you doing the same kind of stuff, and it makes me sad that Rocky and Jax are missing this.  They made great kids, and they can't see it, it's hit me hard the past few weeks.  I've been going full speed since the accident, and I've been on top of everything, but now, I'm just tired, and sad, and freaked out and worried, and just really, really tired."  She drops her head into her hands, and I can hear the soft cries as she lets out the emotions she's been bottling up for too long.

Sliding over the couch to where she's sitting, I pull her close to me, not acknowledging her resistance but pulling her into me, until she relaxes and continues crying on my shoulder.

"You could have died War, you were so close to just being gone from the world.  When you left, you were gone, but I knew you were walking the earth somewhere, and that meant that there was a chance that we'd find our way back.  Then my brothers were gone, and all that mattered was raising the kids like they would have wanted.  I'm doing it, I know I'm doing it right, it's just hard, and then you were in the hospital, and it took me back to when I was in the hospital and you left.  It messed me all up in my mind again, I've been so strong about you, keeping you where you belong, near, close enough to help with the kids, but not close enough to hurt me.  And then you could have died, and I don't know if I want you near anymore, or if I want you with me.  It makes me mad that I still care about you, and all you've done since you've been back is show us your love and that I can trust you.  I talked to my counselor earlier today, and she made me think if I'm keeping you away because I don't trust you to leave again or am I keeping you away to punish you?"  lifting her head up, she looks into my eyes, quiet and assessing, no anger or judgment, no fear or hesitance.

"I think, no, I know you'd never leave again, I've known that for a while now, I trust you with my feelings, and the kids hearts.  I think I've been holding back because I'm afraid to lose another person I love.  I lost my brothers, they were gone before I could say good bye and tell them I loved them.  I woke up and they were just gone."  She takes a ragged and quivering breath, then a few more, before she steadies herself.

"I've been keeping you distant, thinking I guess, that I was keeping myself safe from losing you.  But if I keep doing that, then I never get what I want, which is, our family.  I want us again, but not us as we were, the us that we are now."  Moving my hand up to her face, I drag my fingers down her cheek, then rest under her jaw, gently lifting it up so I can see her eyes.

"I fucked up, it was all stupid shit I kept from you, I was ashamed and embarrassed and then it blew up in ways we could never have predicted.  But it started with my secrets.  My secrets ended there, back then, never again.   I don't have any more secrets and I never will again.  I fucking learned Shea, I broke us, and you, and I fucking abandoned you and I stayed a lost ghost asshole.  But I will never let you down again, I'll spend the rest of my life showing you that your heart is safe with me.  I love you so damn much Shea, it's been no fucking life for me without you, I'm so fucking sorry baby."  Leaning down, I rest my forehead on hers, breathing deep, trying to calm my heart and keep my fucking tears in my eyes.

"The thing is War, I know that, I know all of that, you messed up, you never made excuses or blamed anyone but yourself.  But I'm really done with that chapter of our lives.  It's over, it's done and behind us, we can't change any of it.  I don't want to bring it into my present, it's sad and ugly, and it's over.  No more apologies, no more thinking about those times, let's leave it buried, keep the good, move onto the new.  I don't want to live in the past.  I don't want to give any power or weight to the sad that's behind us.  Ok?  Can you do that, because I don't want to have it or her anywhere in my world, I won't do it.  And if you can't go forward, then you need to leave any hope of us together alone.  Don't answer me now, think about it, really think.  I'm ready to live our lives, the two of us, the four kids, and maybe a few more children, or maybe not.  I don't know if I can handle another child, but we can talk about it.  Now it's late, I'm exhausted, and I want to go to sleep.  Thank you for your help tonight, but I really need to be alone now."  Shea stands, leans down and rests her cheek on the top of my head, lightly kisses my head, then walks out of the room.

"Please lock up when you leave, good night War."  She turns out the light, I hear her walk up the stairs, and the distant sound of her bedroom door closing.

I sit on the couch for a couple of hours, thinking about our old life, the choices I made and where they led us.  I think about the old days with Rocky and Jax when we were kids like Rock and Tell, screwing around and having fun, figuring out what we wanted from life.  I've had so many good people in my life, I'm fucking lucky and blessed and I'm never taking it for granted again.  My purpose, my role in this world is to love, protect, shelter and honor my people, Shea and the kids.  I'm committed to stepping in for their dads, I'm gonna be what those to guys taught me to be.  These 5 people, upstairs asleep in their beds, are the best the world has to offer and it's my job to fucking privilege to watch over and take care of them.

The clock on the TV reads 2:47 am, I'm beat, and I've got a full day at the shop tomorrow, so I head into the kitchen, set up the coffee for Shea, so all she has to do is push the button to start it, then I grab the kitchen trash and check the locks on all the doors, then let myself out and head off to the club to get a few hours of sleep, a big fuckin grin on my face.

She's giving me a miracle I'm not worthy of, but I'm damn sure gonna say thank you every day forever, and make her life as fucking peaceful and happy as I can.

My baby is letting me back in her heart.