Chapter 12

You're Fucked Up When Death Makes You Smile

War

"You guys think you know what went down, let me share the highlights with you."

"You may know the end result, but you don't know how it all went down. I tracked that bitch down, found her outside of Vegas at some fucking shithole whorehouse. She was all fuckin high on something, saw me and got all happy. Talking about how we were gonna be together, destined for each other. Told me how she'd been working and planning on getting rid of my wife the whole time she was in our club. She started with the partying with me, doing drugs with me cuz she knew I'd keep that a secret from Shea. Her calling and texting me, pulling me away from my wife and home to piss my wife off. Making me think I was her hero, helping her with all her fake shitty problems. She kept talking, she was so fuckin wasted, she kept spilling all the shit she'd been doing, her grand fucking plan. Even told me how happy she was that Shea lost the baby, cuz it was a tie to Shea that I didn't need. While she was talking, I was looking at the track marks up and down her arms, fuck, she even had needle marks in her neck and legs, fucking disgusting."

I walk over to the bar to grab a beer, look at Dev, and he nods, I grab two. I see that Rider, Hack and Stoner are sitting at the far end of the bar, hatred in their eyes, who knows how long they've been listening. Heading back over to the table, I look at the guys at the bar, nodding to them and holding up my beer I tell them to move in closer, they don't want to miss the best part of the story.

"So while she's spilling her guts on all the shit she did, and all the fuckin love she had for me. I tell her we're gonna party, we're gonna do it right. She's laughing like a maniac. I tell her to sit in the chair, have a drink, and that I got some special shit in my bag to share with her. Her eyes are all glassy and greedy. I grab some scarf things off of her dresser and tie her to the chair, telling her we're doing some special shit, cuz she's so worth it. She starts moaning and grinding, I was so fuckin disgusted I couldn't even look at her. I grabbed a ball gag I bought in Florida out of my bag, she looks at it all fuckin happy, and she tells me how she's totally into kinky fun with me.  It's all I can do not so spit on her, fuckin piece of shit.  I slide ball in her mouth and buckle the straps, she's drooling and shit, looks all fuckin creepy. Then I bring out the syringe I found in a gas station bathroom in Montana, and the H I picked up in Chicago. The ball gag, the syringe, the H, all fuckin untraceable."

"She sits there, with eyes bugging out, drool falling down her chin. Then I tell her that we're gonna wait for her to come down off her high, however long that takes, I'm gonna wait till she's sober as a fuckin judge, shaking and heaving from her withdrawals.  Then I'm gonna fill that needle up with every last bit of heroin, and shove it in her veins and watch her check the fuck out. She starts crying, but she's gagging on her spit, black tears running down her face, snot coming out her nose and I laugh. I tell her now comes the entertainment part of the evening."

"I bring out my phone, and pull out my pictures and videos. I start showing her all my pictures of Shea, telling her stories about our life together. Big shit like our wedding, small stuff like when we first lived together. Then for the fucking fun of it, I showed her a couple of private videos of Shea and me. Nothing dirty, just Shea sitting on the couch, laughing on a Sunday morning, telling me how much she loved me. Another one of the two of us sitting at the beach, filming ourselves laughing and saying I love you to each other. After a couple of hours I see she's starting to really suffer. She's coming down hard, she's sweating and she looks all pasty and green. Black marks under her eyes. She must be on the shit hard because she's going through some serious pain."

"I know it's almost time for the grand finale now. I tell her how I never once thought of her in any way other than a club slut. A club hole that I would NEVER touch. That my wife was everything in the world Bitch whore Mandi wasn't. Shea is beautiful, brilliant, loving and loved. Then I told her that when she fucked my wifes life up, Mandi signed her death sentence."

"I brought up my wedding video, Shea and I getting hitched, and I started playing it for her. Told Mandi, 'This is fuckin love bitch, this is what you fucked up. Because you messed in my life and hurt my wife, you hurt the most important person in my world, and now you're dead.' Then I heated up her h in the spoon she had by her bed, already black from all her previous use. I filled the needle up to the fucking rafters and smiled at her. Told her, 'You wanted me baby, well you got me,  you'll be seeing me in hell bitch, I'll be the one stoking the fire under your feet.' She was bucking and thrashing in the chair, garble and spit coming out of the gag, tears running down her cheeks, and snot out of her nose, I smiled, and I shot it in her arm."

"Bam, loaded her for flight. And while she's breathing her last, she's listening and watching my wedding video. Mandi, who was the definition of hate, died listening to my wedding and looking at my beautiful wife, the definition of love."

"When she started drifting and moaning, I untied her, dropped the scarves on the bed, put the spoon and needle beside her, but I left the ball gag in. Watched her twitch and seize, breathe her last, then I grabbed my bag, and hit the road. Left my gloves off in some trashcan in a gas station in New Mexico, my clothes were dropped in Arizona.  And that was the only fucking time I've been happy since I left my wife."

Dev leans back in his chair, nodding his head, looks over to the brothers at the bar.

"We got the news that she was found dead after we ejected her. Vegas club kept an eye on her, made sure she was far from Oblivion Crestview. I don't know if she was using while she was here, but she was hitting it hard once she got to Vegas. Bull, the Vegas Pres said that there was some apartment building security video that caught someone that fit your description leaving the building. He erased it, trashed the whole system, called me, and we both felt it was done. The bitch was a hazard, I should have kicked her to the curb when she fucked with you at the Labor Day party, I dropped the fuckin ball more than once, sorry that I didn't do it then."

Shaking my head, I shrug my shoulders and take a deep pull from my beer.

"Nah man, I brought this on myself. And I made it worse with every fucked up choice I had. The only thing I did right was ridding the world of that beast."

Hack walks over to the table, sits down and stares me down. Anger, hatred and disappointment are all over his face.

"What's your plan Warner? Sign and run? You gotta know that you're shit here. Nobodies got your back, no ones got love for you man, shit man, you got no respect or any hope here. You hurt our girl, fuckin ignored her when she needed you most, when the club needed you. Only thing you've done that's anywhere near right is taking out the trash in Vegas. We can't let you hurt her anymore. You're done here."

At this point both Rider and Stoner have wandered over and are leaning back in chairs taking in the situation.

Stoner starts to speak, looks up at me, then over at Rider.

"Don't know what the fuck to say to you man, I tried to help you see you were fucking it all up. You wouldn't listen, and then you blocked my fucking number. I tried to let you know about Rocky and Jax, but you fucked that all up. I heard what Dev told you about, Shea, at the church. Every sound that came from the back area, Shea jumped and twisted around, looking to see if it was you. Broke my fucking heart man. A couple of days after the funeral, I tried to talk to her about you. She just told me, that you had made your choice, showed her what you thought about her and her family, and she didn't have time or desire anymore to try and fix the two of you, she said you're the past.  Seems to me she's made her choice, you need to find a way to deal with it."

Stoner then gets up, walks back over to the bar, picks up four beers and drops them in front of everyone, everyone but me. I smirk and tip my empty bottle to him.

Rider has always been the closest to Shea, he has always treated her as a little sister, and gave me shit up until I married her. He has had her back since the moment I met Shea, this man loves her.

"Fuck Warner, I swear I never would have guessed that this is where we'd be now. I would've fucking bet my life on you and Shea going the distance. Never would've believed that you'd break her like you did. That girl gave you everything. All her love, she fucking filled up the empty holes in you and just kept on giving and loving. How could you fuck her up man? I'm with the guys here, you need to cut her loose and keep on running. Don't come back here again, its too hard on her and the kids, and fucking honestly? It's too fuckin hard on us, your ex brothers. We don't need your game playing shit. Don't come in here, pretend that you're gonna stay, try and make yourself feel better, then run in the end. Just run now. Sign it and run."

Hack, Stoner and Rider all stand, drain their almost empty bottles over the top of my head, letting the dregs of the beer drip on my hair, then down my face. I don't move, letting the beer drip down and off my beard. Fuck if I haven't earned this, I deserve so much fuckin worse. They drop their bottles behind the bar and head out. Sitting at the table with Dev, I listen to the bikes fire up, my heart surges. I remember those sounds, the unique growls of each of their bikes, they were my family, I loved them. I still love them.

I'm not sure how long Dev and I sit at the table, long enough for the beer in my hair and on my face to dry. Dev stands up and walks out of the room. I hear his office door open, then silence. I just sit and think, every time I look at the papers I feel like vomiting, I finally turn them over and shove them over to a chair where I can't see them.

Dev comes back to the table, pops open two beers and slides one over to me. I look up at him, questioning this familiar gesture.

"Ok, time to man up now Warner. This is it. Whatever you decide is on you, but you gotta do it now, and like I said before, it's a permanent decision. You heard what the men and I all think, what we want you to do. You were our brother but you aren't anymore. All of our love and loyalty are with Shea and the kids. Cold hard facts. But the truth nonetheless. Sign and go Warner. Now.  If it's guilt holding you back, don't let it, the club and I have our girl, we've got the kids covered, they don't even know your sorry ass anymore.  Go, no guilt for you, just go."

He picks the papers off the chair and slams them on the table in front of me.

I look at the papers, I KNOW deep in my soul that I shouldn't sign them. I feel it in my gut, this is bone deep knowledge. Just like I knew leaving Shea had been wrong. I had been gone less than an hour and I knew I'd fucked up. Every call and text from her further cemented that thought. Yet I fucking stuck to my guns, pretending that I was doing the right thing. If nothing else, today I saw how fucking wrong I've been for the past couple of years.

"Can't do it Dev, can't continue to fuck up. I knew I blew it, but I thought I'd only make it worse by coming back. I was wrong the whole fucking time. I'm done with this shit. Not gonna fuck up anymore. I get you guys hate me, she hates me, the kids hate me. But there was too much love there for the hate to go on forever. So I'm sticking. Fuck this divorce, fuck me for putting everyone through hell. I'm fucking fixing this."

I down my beer in a couple of gulps and slam it on the table, pick up the fucking divorce papers and tear them in half. Looking at Dev, he nods his head, chews on his lip a bit, and then looks at me.

"Finally. You're finally manning up. Shit, where the fuck you been? It won't be easy, but I swear, she needs you. Show her, the kids and the club, show them that they can count on you and you won't let them down, I believe that they want to trust you. Fuckin man up and I think you'll get them back. But man, you are on the last gasp of last chances. Good fuckin luck buddy."

Dev stands, drops a hand on my shoulder and puts an envelope in front of me.

"This is a letter from Jax, he wrote it a couple of months before he died, asked me to get it to you. I fucking didn't want to reach out to you, because I felt like you being gone was what needed to be. When you didn't show up for the funeral, I just was gonna let it go, not send this letter on. When Shea said she was ready to get rid of you, I was glad man, happy that she was finally going to open her self up to living life again. But I'm not sure that's what the divorce is about. I think she's just pushing you and the life you guys had together into a dark little corner of her mind. She needs to live and love, she needs someone to help her raise the kids. There was a time when I would have had all the faith in the world in you, now I'm not so sure. But you gotta be all in, 100%, 24 hours a day from now until forever. You really ready to commit to that? You ready to be the man that helps pull them through this?"

"I know I'm the only man in the world who can repair the damage I did. I broke Shea, I let down the kids and I abandoned my brothers. Fuck yeah I'm ready to fix this. There hasn't been a day that's gone by when I didn't regret the choice I made back then, and I was too much of a pussy to admit it and repair it. But I'm back now, and I'm never leaving again." I put my bottle on the table, look at Dev and stand.

"Is there a room here for me? I can't take my old room, can't fuckin stomach looking at that bed, I'll only see that bitch in it, and I don't want Shea to have any thoughts of that time."

"Yeah, we have a whole new wing in the back. Clubs grown quite a bit since you left. New room, some new brothers, fresh start for you. Good luck War, you'll need it." Dev reaches a hand out and pulls me into a half-bro hug.

"When the guys see you're serious, they'll start to let you back in, you hurt them man, let them down big time. But they...we all still have love for you." With that, Dev leaves the room, calling out for a prospect to show me to my new room.

"Don't make me regret this Warner, I'll fucking kill you myself if you bail again, it won't be fast, and it won't be easy.  Not fuckin around, I'll make it hurt, then I'll burn and bury the remains."