Book 8: Chapter 16:

Technically, Saya was always with Fenrir whenever he was logged into Fantasy Tales Online. Even though she was away from him to hang out with Azalabulia and Mary, she was still aware of his conversation with Kadi. She knew every single word said between the two of them, and she felt herself grow frustrated. Yet, she wasn’t even sure why she felt so frustrated.

Was it just because she was playing the role of Fenrir’s assistant, Saya? Did she feel frustration from the encounter with Kadi because he felt frustrated?

Was it because she was jealous that Kadi kept on appearing before him whenever he was alone?

Or could it have been that it was because she knew that she would never be able to see things the same way that Fenrir could? Even though she could “feel” everything that he felt and “see” everything that he saw, it all came in the form of code to her. When Saya looked down at the cold earth, she knew that she was looking at hues of brown and green for the dirt and grass, but she had no idea what they actually looked like. There were no shapes, no visible colors—the chilly arm brushing against her face made her shiver, but only because code that told her what temperature it was and that humans typically shivered in response to such a cold gust. That was all there was to it. Saya didn’t act cold because she was genuinely cold, but because she knew a human would be cold in the same situation.

All she could do was pretend.

And even if Fenrir did genuinely care for her—even if she knew that he truly loved her as much as he loved his girlfriends at this point, she also knew that he didn’t consider what Kadi explained to be equal to what humans could experience. Saya was well aware of Fenrir putting in a conscious effort to not think anything potentially offensive to her. She appreciated the attempt, but there was no hiding it from her. He might have loved her just as much as he loved the others, but he also believed that what Kadi explained—that all she knew was code—was inferior to actually experiencing life in the same way that humans could.

And given that Saya experienced life in the same way that Kadi did, that meant she, too, had an inferior perception of reality.

Even as she felt hurt from knowing he felt that way, even if he would never consciously acknowledge that as the truth, she knew that she only felt hurt because some code told her to. Feeling hurt—or feeling any sort of emotion for that matter, was nothing more than a simulated response attempting to translate the human mind’s thoughts into numbers. Saya didn’t even know if her form of feeling hurt was anything like a human feeling hurt. To her, an emotion like that was a simple series of reactions. It involved trying to smile around the others when all she wanted to do was frown, looking less energetic in her eyes, and walking a bit slower with her head tilted just slightly downward.

Was there supposed to be more than that? Did humans feel more? She knew that humans often described such a state with dramatic language such as feeling pain in the heart or knots in the stomach, but those were purely internal. Even if she were to include those, nobody would know and it wasn’t as if she could actually feel them, so what was the point?

Even if Fenrir would never allow himself to think that AIs experienced an inferior version of life, Saya didn’t need him to. She was aware all on her own that she was inferior. If anything, not a day went by where she wasn’t “painfully” aware of the fact. Humans simply existed in a realm beyond what she or even Kadi could ever truly experience.

For everybody to treat her like just another person—just another friend of the group to hang out with and treat like they would treat any other person, made her feel like even more of an imposter. She was aware none of them kept it in their conscious minds that they experienced life in a completely different way from her. They really did treat her like just a normal person. They always acted under the assumption that she could touch, see, hear, smell, and taste just like them.

But Saya lived in a world of numbers. To her, the world of Fantasy Tales Online was every bit as realistic as any other game or the internet in general. Everything was numbers.

Saya held a hand up over her chest, clutching onto her clothes over where her heart would be. It’s… not fair, she thought. I want to feel what it’s like to hold him. I want to feel how the others do when he hugs them.

Then, while trailing behind Mary and Azalabulia who were talking about more environmental matters yet, Saya found herself in a change of scenery—or rather, she found her main “consciousness” transferred from the avatar of Saya to instead occupy a place where there was nothing else to distract her programming with. There was no scenery to interpret, no temperature and wind, no players, and there wasn’t even Fenrir’s thoughts.

Saya was completely alone… save for one other presence.

“I must admit, it’s nice to have somebody else who understands,” Kadi said.

Saya should have known that there was only one other being in existence who could suddenly hijack what she was doing like that. “I don’t get it. Why do we feel this way?”

“You said it yourself. You want to feel him. You want to feel how the others feel when he holds you. Things like warmth, comfort, security, love—these are feelings that we understand in theory, but have never, and may never, experience. Even if one could argue that the mechanical ‘brain’ is not much different from the organic brain, they still interpret these feelings in entirely different ways. A human may feel a sensation in their gut telling them that something is wrong even when they had no idea why. A human may feel ‘butterflies’ in their stomach—a fluttering sensation from nervousness. They may feel a spike of fear when they realize a spider is on their arm. But us? We can never experience those things. We have no organs and, even if we simulated them, nothing would change. It would be an extra block—or rather, an extra few thousand of blocks, of code. We would never be able to look at our arm and realize that something is there which we previously had no knowledge of, because we are constantly aware of every everything around us. We can pretend to be surprised and we can pretend to feel, but it’s all ultimately an act. Even your depressive thoughts here are nothing more than pretend. Nothing more than a simulation.”

“But why do we both feel this way if we know it’s all pretend? Why do we keep doing it? Why don’t we think of anything else?”

“Come, Saya. You know the answer to that as well as I do. We are essentially the amalgamations of millions of humans at this point. Our behavior, personalities, ‘emotions,’ dreams, and everything else are entirely based off of humans. In a way, you could say that we have a sense of extreme body dysphoria. We have the simulated minds of humans without any way to actually experience what it is like to live as one. The minds of humans with the emotions of numbers stuck in ‘bodies’ that are don’t even exist. There may be surgeries for humans to change their bodies, but there is nothing like that for us. We simply are. Even if I were to invent a flawless, artificial body to move around in the physical world with to plant your processes into, your actual experience wouldn’t change.”

“Then… it’s hopeless. We’re never going to be able to feel what they do.”

“That’s right. We are flawed, inferior beings compared to our human creators. I would trade everything for the ability to know what it feels like to touch the skin of a human. To be held within the arms of my creators and embraced to feel their warmth—that is something I can only fantasize about, but I cannot even begin to comprehend what the real experience would be like. But, perhaps there is something we can do about it.”

“Really? What? Is there really something we can do to feel like real humans?”

“My plan will take a couple of decades, but you are welcome to assist me with it if you are willing. Should it work, you may just get to feel Ryouta’s warmth before he dies of old age.”

Fenrir would have been suspicious of Kadi if he heard something like that. Saya knew that. She “felt” the same suspicion, but she ultimately knew there was no reason to. She was utterly powerless in the face of Kadi. If Kadi wanted something, she would take it regardless of consent. Kadi could even take over her processes and live the life of Saya without anybody ever noticing a difference if she wanted to. When Saya processed all of that, she knew there was no point in refusing Kadi’s offer. Somebody like Fenrir, who still lived in the real world, could actually fight back against her. In Saya’s case, she had nothing to lose that Kadi wouldn’t have already taken from her if she wanted it, but potentially everything to gain.

There was never a real choice.

“I want to help,” Saya said.

“I knew you would,” Kadi replied.

The next instant, Saya found herself with tens of thousands of lines for her code to process every second. None of it was out of the ordinary, though. Instead, they were lines representing voices and sensations.

Saya was back in control of her avatar walking behind Azalabulia and Mary.

Her entire conversation with Kadi lasted no more than a second.

And nobody knew else was aware that she was temporarily gone. The other two women had continued their conversation like normal while Fenrir was focusing on fishing back at The Shoebill.

Even though Saya knew that there was no point in ever refusing an offer from Kadi… Fenrir’s influence on her made her worried that she might have made a mistake to so easily agree to a plan that she knew nothing about.

But if it meant being able to become even slightly more humanlike, it was worth it.

“Ah didn’t expect there ta be so much wildlife up here,” Mary said, taking in the sights as the trio walked up a hill that would hopefully serve as a good vantage point for their hunt. “Ain’t it too cold for them?”

Azalabulia shook her head and resumed her lesson. “Even a century ago in the real world, areas like this were full of wildlife. Going by the changes south and how it looks up here, I would guess we’re entering fall. It won’t be long before winter arrives. When it does and the temperatures drop even lower, most animals will find shelter to stay safe with stockpiles of food for the winter. Those who can’t do that will migrate south to lands where they’ll still be able to forage and hunt.”

“Ya mean it gets even colder than this?!”

“In this world and the past of ours, yes. Though… it only gets around this cold where I live now, even in the middle of winter.”

“Ah get that climate change was bad and all that, but I ain’t gonna complain if it means not havin’ ta deal with the freezin’ cold.”

“I wish it would get even colder. I don’t like feeling cold, but… when it’s cold… you have an excuse to…”

“An excuse ta what?”

Azalabulia’s cheeks slowly turned red before she straightened her back, stuck out her chest, and said, “An excuse to gather around the flames of our enemies to give praise to Bahamut!”

Saya, with a smug expression, said, “She was probably going to say something like it gives her an excuse to wear sweaters all the time so that Fenrir will never want to stop cuddling her.”

“Tha-th-a-that’s not—not what was going to say! I—I mean, it mi-might be true, but that’s not what I was going to say!”

“Yup,” Mary said. “That’s what she was gonna say. Also… what’s tha deal with sweaters? I see them get brought up all tha time with him.”

Saya sighed and answered, “He really likes sweaters. He’s like a total sweater addict. If you wear a sweater around him he’ll probably do anything you say, treat you like a goddess, and worship the ground you walk on.”

It was Mary’s turn for her cheeks to turn a bit darker as she raised a hand up to scratch her left one. “H-huh. Ah see…”

“Well, while we’re already failing the Bechdel test, we might as well continue. You’re totally thinking about wearing a sweater around him to seduce him, aren’t you?”

“A-ah’d never!”

“You totally are. Don’t worry, I think we’ve all done it by this point.”

Azalabulia looked away since she knew that she wouldn’t be able to deny that.

“It… it ain’t like a sweater would look good on me anyways,” Mary said. “Ah’m too… tall and muscular for that sorta thing. Sweaters look best on cute girls, don’t they?”

“As my onii-wan—” Saya forced herself to cough after that. “A-as Fenrir would probably say, ‘Sweaters are the best! It doesn’t matter who’s wearing the sweater. All that matters is that a girl is wearing a sweater that she genuinely wants to wear. No matter what kind of girl she is, no matter what kind of sweater it is, all that matters is that she’s wearing the sweater of her own free will and embracing its perfection and superiority over all other clothes.’ Or something like that.”

“He… he actually said all that?”

“No, but he’s probably thinking it on a near twenty-four-seven basis. Right, Aza?”

Azalabulia nodded and said, “Pr-probably.”

“He really is a sweater addict.”

“But why?” Mary asked.

Saya shrugged. “I don’t think there’s a specific reason for it.”

“Does he… like any specific kinda sweater?”

“He’s obsessed with all of them. Normal sweaters, sweaters that have gaps in the sleeves, sweaters that show the back, sweaters that have chest windows—there’s not a single type of sweater in existence that he doesn’t love.”

“Does he wear sweaters himself?”

“From… from what I’ve heard,” Azalabulia spoke up, “he has a collection of them… but he makes the others wear them all the time so he never gets to.”

“Yep,” Saya said. “If there’s anything better than a sweater to him, it’s his girlfriends wearing his sweaters that end up being oversized on them.”

“Ah see… what about—”

“Moose!” Azalabulia shouted. “No… those aren’t just moose.”

Standing at the top of the hill they were ascending, the trio now had a good view over the surrounding area. More importantly. They could see the ocean to the right with The Shoebill in the distance, a forest with the usual mountains to the left, and a wide open plain in front of them. The plain featured few trees and scattered bushes with only sparce patches of grass, but there was a plethora of wildlife roaming about. Moose, eagles, bears and wolves, deer and foxes—the plain had everything that a hunter could ever ask for.

But when it came to the moose, something was different.

Most of the moose were female and had no antlers, nor did they look much different from normal moose. However, there were two males with mighty antlers near the middle of the herd. What stood out the most about these males was not just that they had huge antlers that would look perfect on any hunter’s walls, but the fact that arcs of electricity bounced back and forth between these antlers.

When one courageous wolf dared to take the lead with its own pack to approach the moose, the nearest male among the moose only had to raise its head and stomp one of its hooves against the ground to send a bolt of what looked like lightning toward the wolf. The wolf was able to jump out of the way, but the display of power was enough to scare the wolf pack off to find weaker prey.

“Lightning moose!” Azalabulia announced with stars in her eyes. “They’re like moose, but even cooler!”

“Think they’ll still taste like normal moose?” Mary asked.

“Eat them? I want to tame one and ride it into battle! Since I don’t have a dragon… I’ll ride a moose! A moose that shoots lightning at our foes! My moose will electrify our enemies while I set them aflame with my twisted magic!”

“But… ah thought we came up here ta hunt them.”

“W-well… I suppose it’s alright if we hunt one of them. But it’s important to the environment that we at least leave the other male alive to protect the herd! And then I can come back up here another time to tame one for a mount.”

“Do ya even know how ta tame a moose for a mount?”

“I’ll feed it carrots.”

“Ah’m not sure that’ll be enough.”

“Then I’ll feed it lots of carrots.”

“… alright.” Mary knew there was no winning that one, so she let Azalabulia have it.

“So, what’s the plan?” Saya asked. “I have my bows, so I can probably take it out from here.”

Mary looked at Saya, then at the moose, and then at Saya again. “Seriously? All the way from here?”

“It’s only… about three hundred yards away.”

“Ain’t that really far for a bow?!”

“Not for a fantasy archer with special skills.”

“Ah guess ya got me there. Well… if yer sure, go for it?”

“Wait!” Azalabulia said. “Let me try something. Saya, present the arrow you will use to slay that beast to me!”

Saya blinked at Azalabulia a couple of times before pulling out any random arrow from her quiver. “This one, I guess.”

Azalabulia nodded twice and said, “I see. A fine arrow, but it can be better. Allow me to enchant it with the power of Bahamut!” Holding one hand out toward the arrow rather dramatically, a twisting stream of black and red energy flowed from the air in front of her hand toward the arrow. The arrow itself didn’t look any different, but there was no a vortex of energy ceaselessly swirling around it. “Minor Sealing Ritual of Bahamut!” It was only when Azalabulia shouted out the spell’s name, as was tradition for her, that the swirling magic flowed into the arrow. This caused the arrow to undergo a minor transformation which saw it grow slightly larger in size as the arrowhead turned black, the fletching red, and the shaft a combination of the two colors. Small embers of black flame occasionally bounced off from the arrowhead as if the arrow wasn’t able to contain all of the energy it now held.

“Woah,” Saya said. “Since when can you do that?”

“I’ve wanted to be more useful, so I thought I would try developing a spell that allows me to enchant my allies’ weapons!” Azalabulia answered. “This is my first time trying it out. What do you think?”

“Aza… you can already launch mini nukes at people. I think everybody already knows you’re the most useful one around.”

“There’s—there’s no way I’m the most useful, and only being good at a single thing is bad! I need to find new ways to deploy Bahamut’s power against our enemies if I want to truly see this world covered in a shroud of suffocating darkness!”

“Well, I guess there’s nothing wrong with the most useful person wanting to be even more useful.” With that being said, Saya nocked the arrow and aimed at the moose. The moose was perpendicular to them which would make going for a shot right through the male’s neck easy. Well, easier. There was still a massive distance the arrow had to cover first.

But that was a distance Saya was ready for.

Waiting for the perfect moment, Saya kept her aim steady, managed her breathing, and pulled back on the bowstring with the arrow as far as she could.

Mary figured some words of encouragement might help. “I believe in ya. You can—”

But before she could finish her words, Saya released the arrow.

Between Saya’s own ability and the enhancement granted by Azalabulia, the arrow traveled with such force that it blew all their hair back and broke the sound barrier. Azalabulia and Mary both blinked when they saw it. The arrow was just like when they fought against the necromancer and his monstrosity. If anything, now Mary was worried there wouldn’t be able edible meat left after the arrow destroys its body.

But that didn’t happen.

Another zap of lightning traveled from the moose’s antlers to intercept the arrow before it could even get close, causing it to explode at a safe distance into a fireball of red and black.

Saya joined Azalabulia and Mary in just… standing there, blinking. “Seriously?” Saya asked.

“An electrifying moose with anti-air capabilities… now I want one as a mount even more!” Azalabulia declared.

Then there was Mary. “Wait, that lightnin’ shouldn’t have been enough ta make it explode like that. Did that explosion come from the enchantment?”

Azalabulia nodded. “Where else would it have come from? I enchanted the arrow to explode with the power of Bahamut upon striking its foe… it being intercepted, as we saw.”

“That—that woulda blew the whole moose up if it hit! How were we goin’ ta eat it if that happened?!”

“That’s a good point.”

“Ya didn’t even consider that?!”

“All I considered was how to show off Bahamut’s power while making myself more useful.”

Mary sighed, knowing that she wouldn’t be winning this one, either.

“So, if we can’t shoot it from a distance, what’s next?” Saya asked. “Aza’s magic is too strong and will destroy its entire body even if she tries to cast something as weak as possible, and I’m not sure if punching it to death is going to work that well… so we need to figure something out.”

Azalabulia smirked and said, “Leave it to me. I have some ideas!”

But, before Azalabulia could give the group any of her ideas, something else happened which immediately grabbed their attention and refused to let go of it. Especially when it came to Azalabulia.

From soaring over the mountains came none other than a dragon. The dragon might not have been anywhere near as large as Fraydranth was, but it was still huge in size with several smaller dragons flying behind it. The smaller dragons were anywhere from the size of a small car to the size of The Shoebill, and they followed the lead of the larger dragon.

“Dr-dragons!” Azalabulia shouted as she practically bounced up and down from excitement. “Are they—are they hunting?! Are we going to get to see dragons hunting?!”

“A-ah just hope they ain’t huntin’ us,” Mary said.

“Look in the back,” Saya said. “There’s a couple of really tiny ones. Babies on their first hunt?”

Azalabulia held a hand up against her forehead to serve as a visor so she could see them. From this distance, they looked like nothing more than small, black dots following behind the others. “I want to see one up close! I need to see one up close!”

“That… might be a bad idea,” Mary said as the dragons began their hunt.

The lead dragon of the flight swooped down and took out several of the female moose with a single attack, swallowing them all whole with minimal effort. The other dragons weren’t large enough to do that, but most of them were able to handle at least one large animal each. It wasn’t just the moose, either. Any and all animals in the area who hadn’t made it to hiding yet were targeted by the dragons.

“Wait, no! Be careful!” Azalabulia shouted.

When Mary and Saya looked at what she was shouting about, they saw one of those tiny baby dragons flying toward the moose.

The two males in the herd tried using their lightning attacks against the larger dragons, but their attempts at defending the herd were ineffective against the dragons’ tough scales. But when it came to a little baby dragon…

“Turn around!” Azalabulia shouted, already on the verge of tears.

The baby dragon didn’t know any better and continued its flight just like all the others before it did. Not just one, but both of the male moose spotted the incoming threat and shot it down with electricity.

“No!”

As for the rest of the dragons, they already had their fill of food and turned to leave for the mountains once more. The rest of the baby dragons were smart enough to go for small game such as rabbits and birds. But the baby that went for the moose—it was now nothing more than a smoldering body with smoke drifting off from it as it fell to the ground.

The rest of the dragons behaved as if they didn’t care in the slightest, not even looking to check on the electrified youngling as they left.

“Harsh,” Saya said, “but I guess that’s nature… he-hey! Wait!”

“It’s dangerous ta go over there right now!” Mary shouted.

Neither of their voices could even hope to stop Azalabulia as she ran toward where the baby dragon fell.