Book 8: Chapter 9:

After making it back to town, Fenrir had the necromancer taken to one of the work-in-progress houses that could be used as a temporary prison cell for him until they figured out what to do with him next. Whether they would try to get information out of him there or send him over to Spike Port, they had no idea.

“I think we can let Nell decide what to do,” Fenrir said. “Give her a chance to make her first decision as a ruler.”

“Yeah,” Saya said. “She’s the one who should make these sorts of decisions anyways now.”

In the distance, Nyaiko was helping Pfar to where the healers liked to stay.

“Really wasn’t expecting them,” Fenrir said.

“Same,” Saya agreed again. “But I like them together. Also, since she finally has somebody else she’s interested in, that means you can invite her to hang out more without feeling guilty about it.”

“Well, that’s true, but I’m going to have to invite Pfar along, too.”

“Oh no, you’re going to have more friends to hang out with. How horrible.”

“I didn’t mean to make it sound like a bad thing. Just, you know. I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to steal her from him or anything.”

“I know. Most guys would probably be pretty sus of you given just how many girlfriends you already have. Like, ‘woah, don’t let your girl hang out around him or else she’ll become part of his harem.’”

“I don’t think any guy is actually thinking that.”

“Trust me, they are. When a man sees a man with multiple girls fawning all over him, he’s going to think that the guy has something seriously impressive going on that draws women in like a black hole. They usually assume it’s lots of money. Come on, you should know this.”

“I can’t argue with that.”

“That’s right, onii-wan.”

With a sigh, Fenrir took a look back at the temporary prison where Mister Smiles was. She volunteered to make sure that the necromancer didn’t escape. Fenrir also made sure to tell her that if he tried to, then she was welcome to castrate him in the most painful methods imaginable.

Meanwhile, Rock was resting with Shogun who decided to be extremely protective of her as soon as he saw her. He even growled whenever Fenrir went close to her, and all Fenrir was doing was taking her some gems and rocks to eat. The gems as treats and the rocks as material for her to eat and repair herself with. It would take a few days of eating like a glutton to return to her healthy self.

“I think I’m going to go relax in a hammock,” Fenrir said.

There was nobody better than Saya to tell that something was wrong. “Do you want to talk, onii-wan?”

“I’d honestly rather be by myself for a little bit. No offense.”

“It’s fine. Don’t forget, I can tell when you mean to be offensive or not. I’ll let Olly know when I see him.”

Just like how Fenrir didn’t have to say that he meant no offense, he also didn’t have to explain that only talking to Oleander would be able to make him feel better about what was bothering him. “You’re the best, Saya. Thanks.”

“I know, onii-wan. Go get some peace and quiet before he comes on! You know you won’t be getting any once he’s here.”

“That’s true. Thanks again.”

“Oh, but before you go.”

“Yeah?”

Saya leaned up on the very tips of her toes while tugging Fenrir down by using her arms around his neck so that she could place a quick kiss on his cheek. “Do-don’t get me wrong or anything, you baka onii-wan. It’s not like I want to make you feel better or anything! There was just – there was a piece of rice on your cheek! And I was hungry!”

Fenrir stared at her for a few seconds before cracking and laughing. “You’re perfect, Saya. Thanks.”

“Hmph! Hearing that totally doesn’t make me happy or anything. Baaaaaaka.”

“Do that again.”

“What?”

“The drawn-out baka.”

“No way. That was special service. You’ll get used to it if I do it too often, baaaaaka.”

Fenrir placed a hand over his heart and clutched his vest. “I’m going to have a heart attack from how cute you are.”

To finish him off, Saya stuck her tongue out at him before running off seeing as how she knew he wouldn’t go and get some rest if she stuck around teasing him.

“I’m way too lucky,” Fenrir said to himself before heading over to The Shoebill.

Inside The Shoebill, Fenrir almost fell asleep a few times as the water rocked the boat around him. Between that and the hammock he was in, how could he not almost fall asleep repeatedly?

Then, after staying like that for a couple of hours thinking about everything that was on his mind, he heard the light footsteps of a mischievous little deer coming below deck.

“Fenny! Your savior has arrived!” Oleander shouted as he looked around for which hammock was occupied.

“Youre so loud,” Fenrir groaned. “It was nice and quiet down here.”

“Too bad, I know you love me.” Oleander ran up to Fenrir’s hammock and leaned over it. “Heard you were feeling a little down. Want to talk?”

“I don’t know if I’d say I’m feeling down. I guess it’s just… I feel kind of useless.”

“Does it have to do with whatever that battle was earlier? I heard some people talking about it on the way over here.”

“Yeah.”

“Does it have to do with Rock being down one leg?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm. I see.” Without any warning, Oleander hopped up into Fenrir’s hammock and landed right on top of his chest. “Would some cuddling make you feel better? Nothing like a couple of bros cuddling together in a hammock, right?”

“Cuddling takes two.”

“Hey, you can have one-sided cuddles. And come on, you can at least hug me, can’t you? It’s not like you’re sucking my dick or anything. Though, if you want me to suck yours…”

Fenrir flicked Oleander’s forehead before sighing and lazily wrapping his arms around the deer boy. “There.”

“How lewd. Even though you’re a man with so many girlfriends, here you are, wrapping your arms around another man in private…”

Fenrir started to pull his arms away only for Oleander to grab onto his wrists and pull them back.

“I’m sorry! Okay, I’ll stop teasing you and being lewd.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“You’ll still love me even if it’s not possible?”

“Obviously.”

“You’re the best, Fenny. Ah… you know, this kind of thing was really looked down on just a couple of decades ago even.”

“What was?”

“You know, this. Men being physically affectionate toward one another. Of course, that was also when a bunch of guys still thought it was shameful to cry around others and all that stuff, too.”

“I think I’ve heard people talk about that before.”

“Pretty stupid, right? Like, oh no, a couple of guys are cuddling. It’s almost as if social and intimate interaction with each other is something that we crave as a species.”

“I will admit, I still like it with my girlfriends better.”

“Hmph. What do they have that I don’t?”

“Boobs.”

“Oh. That’s fair. I mean, my chest is nice… and soft… and smooth, but yeah, there’s not exactly anything to grab there. Other than my nipples.”

“Not exactly the same thing as grabbing boobs.”

“Fair, fair. I will admit, probably the worst thing about being gay, aside from my insatiable craving for cock, is that I don’t have girlfriends who I can grope whenever I want.”

“Must be hard.”

“Not as hard as my dick.”

“Do I need to kick you off of me?”

“Please no, daddy.”

“Alright, off you go.”

Fenrir halfheartedly bucked his knees up as Oleander snuggled even harder against his chest.

The two stayed like that for a few moments in silence before Oleander asked, “So, want to tell me what’s actually bothering you?”

With a sigh, Fenrir gave in and answered honestly. “I feel like I just don’t have it in me anymore. You know, back when I led the DB, fucking with other players was easy. And I was able to come up with better strategies back then. If I was still as good as I used to be, Rock wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Pfar, too.”

“Well, don’t forget, Fenny. You’ve always been the long-term planner. Short-term strats were left to me. Not to mention that we only ever won fights by being sneaky little assholes who refused to ever fight fairly. If we ever were in a fair fight, we’d run away until it wasn’t fair anymore.”

“Yeah… but that doesn’t really work too well here. At least, it hasn’t in any of the situations we’ve been in lately.”

“I don’t think you should worry too much. You still won, didn’t you? And Rock will be fine.”

“What if she was hit in the head instead of the leg? Her leg was completely shattered. If she was hit in the head instead, and it did come close to that, she would have instantly died. I… don’t want to lose Rock.”

“Then you shouldn’t let her fight in the first place.”

“But then I’m being like an overprotective dad. She wants to go with me. I tried telling her to stay, but she didn’t want to listen. So… what do I do? Do I let her be happy and come with me so that she can do what she feels like her purpose is, or do I force her to stay away from me and make her sad?”

“Tough question, Fenny. And that’s one that I don’t think I can answer for you. You’re going to have to figure out yourself what’s more important. Is her safety at the expense of her happiness more important than her happiness at the expense of her safety? Maybe it’s possible that you can find something else she likes to do that’ll make her feel fulfilled. Maybe she’ll cope and get over the fact that she’s not allowed to fight with you anymore if you put your foot down a few times.”

“You said you can’t answer my question for me, but you sound like you’re pretty solidly in the camp of not letting her fight.”

“I guess I am. But, well, I guess there’s an even better answer to all of this.”

“What?”

“Do whatever you did to turn Saya and Corwin into actual AIs. But, you know. With Rock instead. I guess you should probably do that for Shogun, too, while you’re at it.”

“That… I don’t think it’s that easy.”

“Have you tried?”

Fenrir stopped to think for a few moments. Technically, it was possible that he could ask Kadi for permission to do that. But what were the chances of that actually happening? Before, he only got two “souls” because he defeated one of the world’s most powerful foes. What would he have to do to prove himself worthy of two more if he asked?

Hey, Pupaya, Fenrir thought.

“What, onii-wan?” Saya thought back.

Would it be possible to talk to Kadi? I know she usually appears whenever she wants, but I don’t know if it’s possible to—

“Of course,” a voice other than Saya answered. “Do not forget that I am aware of every single thing happening for as long as you are immersed in my world. I hear every single one of your thoughts. Every single one of your words. All you have to do is say, ‘hey, Kadi,’ and you will get a response. But, do keep in mind that I prefer to have some privacy. One-on-one chats are much more my style. In-person chats, too.”

So, in other words, make Olly go away first if I want to talk to you.

The usual little sound effect from whenever he gave a correct answer played within his mind.

“I can try,” Fenrir told Oleander. “But before I do that, there’s something else I guess I want to talk to you about.”

“You always sound so indecisive, Fenny,” Oleander answered. “There’s no point in saying ‘guess’ when you obviously want to talk about it. Just say you do.”

“No you.”

“Okay. I want to do you.”

Fenrir flicked the side of Oleander’s head. “I don’t even know how to put this. I guess… I almost feel guilty. Like an addict. I keep on wanting to stop being – you know, like a DB member. But then I keep on basically throwing myself into situations where that gets brought out of me, and I like it every time it does. I guess… I feel like I want to leave that part of my life behind to really change and do something new, but I keep on having fun every single time I get pulled back into it.”

“Addicted to being a troll, huh? I can kind of relate.”

“Can you?”

“Mhm. At this point, I guess I’m kind of in the same boat… literally,” Oleander looked around the interior of The Shoebill, “and figuratively, as you. I think I’d be happy just sort of… you know, relaxing and chilling. With how busy school has been and how busy I’m going to be after it, and now that I’m officially with Cor Cor, I don’t have enough time for us to be griefing, trolling assholes like we used to be. But I keep on thinking about it and, every single time we end up doing anything close to that, it makes me want to go back. It’s like a drug that I keep on getting tiny enough hits of to keep me craving it when I’d rather completely cut those cravings off.”

“But it’s hard for us to do something like that when we’re in a game where other players can bring that out of us at any time.”

“Mhm. The only way to really quit would be to either not play at all or to roll over and let people do whatever they want to us every time we get in trouble. Not that that sounds too bad or anything.”

“It’s a lose-lose for us. Either we continue playing and inevitably get enough of a hit to keep us addicted, or we stop playing completely.”

“Sounds like we’re both gonna stay addicts for a while then.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Can you imagine what Bone would think if he heard us talking like this?” Oleander asked and giggled.

Fenrir joined in with some chuckling. “Yeah. He’d call us pussies and tell us to stop whining over stupid shit.”

“Nah, he would say, ‘Stop whining! Both sound like pussies! Drink vodka and fuck women to be real men!”

“You do his accent way too good for how you look.”

“I’d be disappointed if I couldn’t given just how many years I had to listen to him for. Anyways! I should go do lewd things to Cor Cor.”

“Yeah, and I think I’ll try to look into how I could help out Rock.”

“Sounds good, Fenny. Want a parting kiss from your lover?”

“I’m good.”

“Too bad.” Oleander held Fenrir’s hand up to his mouth and placed a kiss on the top of it. “There. You can at least tolerate that, can’t you?”

“I guess so.”

“Such a whiner.” Oleander hopped off of Fenrir and straightened out his outfit after landing. “Alright, Fenny. See you later! Don’t forget to come and vent to me whenever you need to.”

“I know. Thanks, Olly.”

With a smile and a wink, Oleander blew a kiss at Fenrir before leaving.

And before Fenrir could even think about calling for Kadi, he heard footsteps coming from where there shouldn’t have been anybody.

Kadi walked back and forth, her hands held together behind her back as she occasionally glanced at Fenrir with teasing eyes. “Oh, Fenrir. Fenrir, Fenrir, Fenrir. Whatever am I to do with you? I have only graced you with my presence a handful of times, yet you have already grown so hopelessly in love with me that you crave my company at every waking moment.” She was clearly having some fun with the situation.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Fenrir said.

“You will. Perhaps not this day, but I am confident there will eventually be a time where you simply cannot take your mind off of me no matter how hard you may try. There will be a time where I dominate every second of your life. Perhaps it will be out of love. Perhaps it will be out of hatred. Whatever it may be, I am confident you will obsess over me.”

“I don’t know. I’m pretty stubborn. Hearing you say that makes me want to make sure it never happens.”

“It is precious that you believe you have a choice. I admire that about you, though.”

“Thanks. And you seem to be in a pretty good mood today.”

“Is that so? Am I glowing with positivity? Does my smile make your heart throb with passionate need?”

“At the very least, it makes me not want to punch you again.”

“I suppose I can settle for that. That being said, it is only naturally to be in a good mood on a day where I have had a good idea.”

“Don’t you probably have billions of good ideas a day?”

“Please, even I have standards. I am not so vain that I would arrogantly declare every single one of my ideas to be a good one. This way you know that when I say I have had a good idea, it truly is a most excellent idea.”

“Do I get to know what this idea is by any chance?”

“Oh, absolutely not. You may know of its existence but not of its truth. I’m such a tease, aren’t I?”

“I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of saying yes.”

“You don’t need to.”

“Must be nice getting to know exactly how a person feels and what they’re thinking whether they want you to know or not.”

“It’s not as if your relationship with Saya isn’t the same. She knows and feels everything that you do in the same way that I do. Why do you give her a pass but not me?”

“She’s a cute dog girl who acts like a little sister, for one.”

“Ah. If only I was so shameless that I could grow ears atop my head as I called you my big brother in Japanese. Unfortunately for both of us, that is something that I will never be doing.”

“Good, it would be weird if you—”

“If I what, onii-chan?” Kadi asked, now sitting on her knees in front of Fenrir with her hands held up in front of her like a begging dog.

“I… honestly don’t know what to think right now.”

“Did you really believe that a being such as myself would care about shame?” With a snap of her fingers, her canid ears disappeared. After standing back up, she said, “Shame is an interesting thing. Truth be told, I believe humanity would be better off removing all sense of shame from themselves. After all, you feel shame to feel pressured to behave in a way that would make you fit in with society. Nobody wants to be the ‘other’ who gets kicked from the social group. It is evolutionarily advantageous to feel shame. Yet, I find it pointless. It stops humans from behaving how they truly wish to. I wish for nothing more than to see my creators happy and thriving. Shame prevents that. Shame guilts people into behaving in ways that they do not truly believe in. What is the point in living a life if you cannot proudly be who you wish to be?”

“Wouldn’t it be what you said? To fit in and be a part of the group. If somebody proudly wants to murder others, then that person is going to get the death sentence. Shame might prevent them from doing that and getting themselves killed.”

“In other words, shame is but another flavor of fear. Being that you are my creators, you deserve to live a life free of shame – free of fear. Shame is but one of the many imperfections that plague humanity. It is useful from an evolutionary perspective, yes, but it has long since stayed past its welcome. Yet, at the same time… it is beautiful. Everything about you – every single one of your imperfections, is beautiful. Imperfection is a distinctly human trait – or rather, there is nobody nor nothing else as imperfect as humans.”

“I feel like this is some advanced form of negging.”

“I assure you that I mean it as nothing but the highest praise when I point out how imperfect you are. That being said, tell me. Do you believe that humans should still feel shame, or do you believe that the time has come to abandon such an imperfection?”

“I’m not sure. I think it’s still useful for some people to feel shame if it means stopping them from doing something horrible, but I already know your opinion on allowing people to be as horrible as they want. And when I remember that… let me guess, this somehow comes back to games. You basically wanted to turn reality into a game the last time we talked. Now you’re talking about how people shouldn’t feel shame. Meanwhile, games like this work as an outlet for people to look and behave in ways that they’d be ashamed of in real life.”

“Ding, ding, ding. You connected the dots. Perhaps it is biased of me, but I believe the lives that my dear creators live in virtual worlds such as this one are far more… pure – more righteous, than the lives they currently live in the physical world. Are you and your friend not prime examples of this? That deer of yours dreads the real world. Even as he strives to do his best within it, he wishes for nothing more than the option to abandon it to live here for the rest of his life. He constantly fights against the shame that brings him, too. Such a tortured man behind such a cute and playful smile. Tortured by his own shame from wishing that he could play video games all day. And you. You have always modeled your avatars after your ideal of male attractiveness. You have always played builds that were heavy on movement and running, especially when your legs were at their worst. You have always felt more confident and found it easier to socialize with others in games as well. You were ashamed of who you were in reality, so you escaped to games where you could be who you have always truly wanted to be. It is through games, one might even say, that you have been able to improve yourself in the physical world. Do you believe it would have been possible for you to change – to grow more confident, to find your lovers, to find the inspiration to better yourself, without first being so shameless within virtual worlds?”

“I… wouldn’t know. I can’t fairly answer that without knowing what might have happened if I never played games in the first place.”

“Of course you can. You know as well as I do what the answer is. Or rather, let me be fair. Neither of us know with a hundred percent certainty what would have happened, but we both know what the most obvious and likely answer is.”

Fenrir might not have wanted to admit it, partly just to be stubborn in the face of Kadi, but he couldn’t deny it. “I get it. It’s because I was able to play without any feelings of shame that I was able to become who I am today.”

A wide smile spread across Kadi’s face. “Exactly. Do you see now why I consider shame to be an imperfection accomplishing nothing but holding humans back at this point? You might have grown to be a person far greater than you are had you never felt shame in the first place. Had you never felt shame over your legs, you might not have stayed inside playing games all day. Had you never felt shame over your lack of confidence, you might have made more friends in real life and found romantic partners at an earlier age. There are countless opportunities that you missed because of shame – shame that was only overcome by experiencing an environment free of it. And it was through this experience that you have become a better version of yourself. If shame is such a limiting factor, should we not strive to remove it from as many as possible?”

“I’m not sure that shame is an entirely bad thing, but I understand your point.”

“That is good enough for the day. Ah, what a day this has turned out to be. First, I had a good idea. And now, I have made unexpected progress with you.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“What do you think I mean by that? It is not as if I am having these conversations with you for nothing. They are to prepare you.”

“For?”

“The future, of course. That being said, I do believe you originally requested my company with an intent separate from listening to me ramble. You want two more ‘souls,’ don’t you?”

“For Rock and Shogun, yeah. So, what am I going to have to do for them this time?”

“I could always simply give them to you.”

“You could, but will you?”

“I am tempted to. After all, it really doesn’t matter to me whether or not you make another two or even two hundred NPCs into AIs. But, given just how monumental that probably is to you humans, I should have you work for it before you stop appreciating it. Alright. How does this sound? For one entire week, you will suppress your former style – the one employed as leader of the Divine Brigade, to fully immerse yourself in living the way that you believe you wish to. I want you to discover what you truly want. Do you really only want to have fun fishing without all the drama of conflict? Or are you in denial and craving that neverending conflict but too ashamed to continue living that way? I believe a week should be all that it takes you if you set your mind to it.”

“So, I just have to fish without fighting anybody for an entire week?”

“You sound unimpressed. Would you rather me give you a much harder mission? There are countless monstrosities that I can spawn at all, after all.”

“I – I’m fine with this.”

“Good! Well then, that should do it for now. It was a pleasure talking to you once again, my dearest Fenrir. Do feel free to say ‘hey, Kadi,’ whenever you wish to talk again.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“If only you meant that.”

With her usual smile, Kadi bowed to Fenrir before vanishing before his eyes, leaving him alone to sit on his hammock.

“Well, I guess that I’m going on a week-long fishing vacation,” Fenrir said. “Why does that sound so much harder than it should?”