Chapter 19

Dinner that night was a jovial affair. Acting on immediate command from their Laird, several Northern men had gone hunting, bringing back dozens of partridges and pheasants. For the first time in a long time, we had meat. Cook, rising to the occasion, whipped up a stew that — if lacking in herbs, spices, and vegetables — was more than satisfying with the juicy fowl and a film of oily fat that shimmered on top of the broth in delicate, bubbly temptation. We sat at the long tables that ran down the servants' dining room; wooden benches and tabletops smoothed over by years of use. The men were eager to entertain us, sharing stories from the war. If their tales focused primarily on war camp pranks and brotherly camaraderie, compared to stories of battle and bloodshed, no one minded.

Content to let the night wash over me, I relaxed in the room's warmth and allowed the chatter to blur around me. Calum sat across from me, Bess beside me. Wallis nestled in the lap of a kitchen maid seated next to Calum. Playing a game of peek-a-boo, I was distracted by my niece's laughter and inability to hide behind her hands. The game was wholly one-sided. Laughing with her, I stopped playing when I heard Calum say:

"I haven't decided, I've been thinking of pulling all my men from the front, actually. I do not know if I wish to stay a part of this war."

Looking away from Wallis, I frowned at him, "What are you talking about?"

Bess gestured toward Calum across the table, "I asked if he plans on returning to the front. As a commander. Despite his injury, he could lead the Northern forces that remain on the Mainland."

"And you are thinking about pulling out of the conflict?" I asked Calum, amazed that anyone would consider such a thing.

"As far as I am concerned, my father's vow to support the fight died with him," Calum grunted with an offhanded wave and an arched brow. "His oath to your father sent me there, his vow cost me my leg, and the lives of many Northmen. Let my part of this mess be done."

"But you're still pledged to Stormway," I said, shaking my head.

"Am I?" He teased, a sparkle of something in his dark eyes.

I looked at Bess, confused. She only shrugged and shook her head.

Looking back at Calum, I smiled, putting the pieces together. "So you haven't yet bent the knee?"

"To anybody," He clarified, his grin becoming feral. "I want to keep my options open. Maybe I won't swear to anyone. Maybe I'll retreat to Istimere and keep to my borders, a reclusive Laird. Maybe I'll launch a crusade of my own." He chuckled darkly.

I shivered at the significance of his words. "There is too much war already."

He nodded, solemnity blanketing his features. "I know. What I say is in jest."

"So what do you want?" Bess challenged, "there must be something."

Calum drank from his cup, luxuriating in the gulp of water as if it were the finest vintage of wine from the Continent. "The independent nature of the Islands works against us. It keeps our lands and families in competition against each other, working against each other when we could be allies. There's no reason the Islands cannot unify as the Mainland has done. At least there I agree with Laird MacLeod's ideas."

I crossed my arms and placed them on the table. Leaned over them and stared at him intently. "And what? You should be king and not my father?"

Pride flared and faltered in the same moment. I had always taken the influence of Ellesmure for granted. We were the largest, the richest, the most populated of the Islands. But maybe that didn't matter. I scanned the room, noting the thin, pale cheeks of the women and children around us; the broken, marred bodies of Calum's men. What had our dominance achieved but ruin?

Calum offered me a crooked smile, one that was full of understanding. "What I want, dear lady, is to build a better world." He believed it, too. The taunt of a future of his own design. Nothing but pure delight and hope was noticeable across his features.

I recoiled at that, the sincerity of his aspiration. I laughed dryly. It was an absurd wish. I looked at Bess to diffuse the tension between his hope and my cynicism — to share a glance with her that said can you believe this? To buy myself time before I scoffed at his naïveté. My sister-in-law just looked at Calum with frank appraisal. Her eyes tight, her mouth curling into a slow smile. She could see it, too.

"A lot of the old Lairds are dead on the battlefield. It's up to us, their children, to find the best way forward. To learn from their mistakes and the mistakes of their forefathers." Calum added as if it were obvious. "We have the opportunity."

I blinked at him, a small bubble of something lifting in my chest. A bare hint of possibility.

"But, to answer your question, I am not opposed to bending the knee to someone who deserves it." His eyes locked onto mine, the blackness there illuminated by the firelight. It was an intense, significant stare.

Bess gripped my leg under the table, the impact of his gaze not lost on her.

"Me?" I croaked, hardly believing it. "Me?" I asked again, flatly.

"Why not you?" Calum asked easily.

I coughed out a laugh, blurting the first objection that came to mind. "I'm a woman."

"So?"

Shaking my head, I looked down at my soup. Clenched my fingers into my upper arms. Stared wide-eyed at the glossy wood of the table. Anything, anything to give me a moment's rest from Calum's demanding looks.

"She who holds the castle holds the power, no?" He whispered.

Bess squeezed my thigh again, then said, "You are a MacLeod. The only MacLeod on Ellesmure."

As if that was enough reason. As if that was proof enough of my ability. "What you're talking about is a coup," I offered.

"Then think of my support as temporary," Calum suggested slyly, his eyebrows raised and eyelashes fluttering in aloof innocence. "I'll pledge fealty to you because I think you're deserving — "

"You've barely known me for more than an entire day," I countered.

"Ah, the letters, dear lady." Calum winked. He crossed his arms and leaned on them, copying my stance. Pushing his head into my space.

"What letters?" Bess asked.

I rolled my eyes and explained Murdina Munroe's correspondence.

Bess laughed, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. "She always was a terrible gossip. But this, this is good, right? We need help, Eilean. Laird McKerran is offering it without..." she stopped, lifting her eyebrows suggestively.

Without strings. Without expectations. Without marriage. Her insinuation not lost on me.

"What about after the war?" I asked, turning to face Calum. Pulling back when I came inches away from his nose. "I won't stand in the way of my brothers' birthright."

"Then we figure out those details when the time comes." He swirled the water in his goblet, the picture of unruffled patience.

"You're serious." It wasn't a question, it was a realization.

"Deadly." He fixed me with another powerful glare.

And maybe because I was well fed for the first time in a year, or because I'd do anything to keep Bess from bruising my thigh and Wallis fed. Or, because the long ago ghost of my brother's words came floating up in my mind. Are you a MacLeod or not?

It was the same kind of challenge as it had been all those years ago. The same taunting candlelight; the crush and din of bodies and chatter. The same invitation extended when I didn't believe I had control. Take what you want. And more than want, it was a need. I needed power. I needed allies. I needed a friend. Support. Someone who believed in me, who could travel where I couldn't, talk to those who wouldn't listen to me.

"All right," I breathed. My vision became misty, I blinked back the tears that swam there. Tears of relief that someone was willing to take a chance on me. A hand reaching out into the darkness.

Calum stood, a maniacal grin contorting his grave, elegant face into the boyish, friendly expression I had only seen briefly once before. "Excellent."

Extracting himself from the bench, he made a grand show out of bowing to me, of offering me his hand over the table. I figured he was leaving the dining hall, our business done, and being overly courteous about it. I nearly laughed at his flamboyance, but then he sunk to his knees.

And the laugh died in my throat.

"Right now?" I rasped.

"Right now," he said, his voice steady and deep. "Why not right now?"

I opened and closed my mouth like a dying fish.

Bess elbowed me in the ribs. "Stand up," she hissed through her teeth.

I did so, my entire body moving like it was full of wet sand as I stepped out from the bench. The room went silent, conversations died. Bowls and glasses and silverware came to rest on the tabletops with a small clatter. Everyone watched as I walked around the length of the table, the sound of my steps echoing off the stone walls. I made my way to where Calum knelt. He rotated on his knees, facing me, hand over his heart.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I extended my right hand, palm down because that seemed correct. He smiled and took it in both of his own. Allowing myself one cursory glance around the room — practically swooning when I noticed all eyes were on me, everyone's mouths slack. I gulped and then nodded my head, giving him permission to proceed.

"I, Calum McKerran, Laird Grant of the Northern Isles, protector of Istimere, son of Dougal McKerran, swear to you, Eilean MacLeod of Stormway on Ellesmure, that from this hour in the future, I will be faithful to you regarding your life, and the members of your body and land, in good faith and without deception. I will help you hold, have, and defend against all men and women who might wish to seize from you your property and purpose. You may command me either by yourself or by your representative or representatives. I will uphold all that I have said and observe faithfully and without deception."

The words of his pledge fell like solemn raindrops, sinking into my skin. His voice echoed in the large room. There was no doubt everyone could hear. I had never had such a promise, possessed such loyalty as what he had just offered me. I smiled, my body loosening with the thrill of his vow. Calum squeezed my hand lightly, bowing his head over our grasped fists. The heat of our palms was like a brand between us. I pulled my fingers loose and rested my too-warm hand on the crown of his head.

"I accept your pledge," I said, scarcely getting the words around the lump in my throat.

Calum nodded under my hand, bent to the floor to kiss the stones at my feet, and then allowed me to help him up. Once he stood, his men rose from where they sat and bowed toward me at the waist. I tried to make eye contact with them all and offer them a small smile of thanks. They returned to their seats.

"Well, Lady Laird, shall we change the world?" Calum asked with a wink.

Laughing, I gestured to the table, inviting him to sit. I walked around and met him on the other side. Noting in passing, that Bess's eyes were shining with tears.

"Command me, fair lady. What do you want?" Calum asked, all seriousness. His focus trained on me and his jaw tightened.

"Food," I said, not needing a moment to consider. "Food, lots of it. And money, if possible... just for medicines and supplies. And lines of communication to the other Islands, the other Lairds... or whoever they have guarding their strongholds. We need not be so isolated from one another." I hesitated, thinking. Neither Calum nor Bess rushed me or offered suggestions.

"I want access to the battlefields," I rested my hand on Bess's leg this time as she protested. "I don't want to go there," I said looking at her, "but I need someone there who will tell me what is going on. Who can demand audiences with my father and brothers, who can represent the needs of Ellesmure..."

I stopped, thinking of the other Islands, how our situation might be replicated one hundred times. The misery, the famine, the poverty, the desperation. "Not just Ellesmure," I said. "The people left behind need representation at the front."

Calum nodded, "Done. Anything else?" His stare was steady as if I hadn't already asked for the moon out of the sky.

"Isn't that enough?" I said, laughing a bit.

"Do you have any other allies? Other families, that might be useful to reach out to?"

Only one came to mind. I bit my lip, wary. Looking at Bess, I tried to convey my reluctance and desire through my gaze. What I wanted most, what I couldn't sleep without knowing the answer to.

"Tell him," she said tenderly, a nod of understanding.

"It's a Mainland family," I hedged, still unsure. Would Calum's fealty withstand treason?

Calum's eyes danced, I could have sworn the edges of his lips were trying to curl into a smile. "Who?"

"Lord Alexander Leslie, of the Fist," I said before I could back down. "Until recently he and I have been in constant contact but... it stopped. His letters stopped." Months of unspoken, unacknowledged fear rippled through my senses. The same frenzy and worry that kept me awake at night and haunted my days. "I don't know what happened to him. If he's sick... or in trouble for talking to me or... or if he's dead. He promised to remain neutral for as long as he could. It's possible he's entered the war, now."

It was impossible to blink back the tears this time, to control my emotions. A few tears slid down my cheek. Bess wrapped her arm around my shoulders. Calum appraised me with a look I couldn't interpret.

"I know he's an enemy... or we are to him... but I need to know," I whispered.

Calum blinked, his serene smile returned. "I'll find him."

My breath rushed out of me, I pressed my hand to my chest. "Even though he is a Mainlander?"

"Remember, fair lady, we are building a new world," His grin was full of audacity.

I blinked a few times, trying out his ambition and daring in my own thoughts. The internal narrative I sold myself. What if nothing — or no one — could keep me from doing what I wanted? What possibilities were open to me, then? I smiled. "Keep reminding me of that."

"As you command, my lady," Calum bowed over the table.

I opened my mouth to command him yet again, but with newfound authority to stop bowing.

He only winked at me. "Anything but that."

Laughing, I shook my head, "Then you should have added it to your vows. I can compel you in any way of my choosing."

When Calum laughed, I felt myself relax for the first time in a long, long time.