15 | in which he makes her smile

Forgive yourself over and over,

Transformation takes time.

.\.|./.

Ryan Falls

|in which he makes her smile|

This girl is probably crazy.

Not that I mind, though, because it's kind of cool too. At least this way, she won't get freaked out and run off. She kind of did run off yesterday, either taken aback by my sudden panic attack, or by my sudden suggestion about her staying over. Why I said that at all, I have no freaking idea.

Still, when she drops by the next morning, carrying a large box of homemade pasta, I can't help but smile so wide I look like a total creep.

How insane would it be if I hugged her right now?

She looks doubtful of herself when she crosses over my threshold and makes her way awkwardly towards my kitchen, while I return to bed and try not to stare.

Honestly, the most attractive thing on a human being is kindness.

Most people don't consider this, they focus on shallow aspects of the personality – looks, style, appearance, Girls think it's makeup and curves, and maybe even skin that men would fall for. For men, the focus is on abs and muscle tone.

Moving away from lust, though, life is much different. For me, I can't imagine myself being with someone who is shit but looks like a pastry. After a while, beauty doesn't seem that important anymore. How long can you possibly stay with someone who makes you miserable, no matter how good-looking they might be?

The pasta noodles with bolognese sauce are delicious, and I am truly considering hiring this girl as my chef. It might just be because of the amount of bad food I have had over the span of my life, first because of my mom, and then because of Olivia, but this girl can make tofu taste awesome.

Mom barely ever made anything at home, and when she did, I was rarely ever home to eat it. The large amounts of junk food I devoured in my teenage desensitized me to Olivia's cooking when I moved to Alaska. It's only after moving here that I also decided to try my own hand at cooking, since I had a kitchen at will and my own pick at what I wanted to eat.

I'm no professional but I have learned a few things that can prevent me from starving to death.

And now I have Crystal too.

"You know you're too nice, right?" I ask her when she hands me food.

She doesn't answer, but I see her sigh unnoticeably. I wonder what could be running through her head, and I would love to ask. So I do.

"Do you never talk?"

She looks at me, giving me an exasperated look, which I return with a bright smile.

"I do," she finally speaks. "When I have something to talk about."

"Well, how about we create something to talk about?" I suggest. "It's not much fun being in silence all the time. Especially when all you have all day is silence and emptiness."

Her face pales a little more, considering she is already so white.

"What makes you think I'm alone all the time?" she asks, sounding annoyed. "Didn't I tell you I live with my boyfriend? He might be away but I'm not alone, all right?"

I don't react, letting my smile slide nonetheless.

"I was talking about myself," I say.

Her expression changes, and I see her close in on herself.

"Oh ... sorry," she mumbles.

"Hey, you don't need to be," I say, waving a dismissing hand. "I understand I could have phrased that better."

Her brow furrows, and she looks slightly surprised.

"Let's talk about something else, huh?" I ask, poking a fork into the noodles. "Like if you can teach me how to cook this well. I mean, damn, this is good."

She stares at me, and I see a hint of suspicion in her gaze. I pretend not to notice.

"Did you add cheese?" I ask.

"A bit, yeah," she answers.

"Can you tell me the recipe?"

"Yeah, well ... I can write it down if you want."

"No, I'll remember if I hear it," I say, looking down at my plate as I stuff my mouth with creamy noodles.

The truth is that I want her to open up. I want her to speak her mind and be heard, even if it's just food we talk about. I know what it feels like to be alone and unheard. I don't want her to feel that way. Or anyone else for that matter.

"Okay, well, I have this recipe in which I add some crème and cheese and then ..." she goes on to explain all the ingredients she adds into her pasta sauce.

I listen, more to her tone than to her words.

As I eat, nod and make eye-contact on-and-off during the one-sided conversation, I witness her slowly open up further. Her posture becomes straighter, her face more confident, her voice higher.

This is the effect being heard can have. The feeling of realness returns.

"... If you want me to teach you, it's actually pretty easy," she says after a while, looking almost hopeful.

"You'd do that?" I ask, finishing up the last of my noodles. "Thank you. That would be awesome."

And that is when she does something for the first time.

Crystal ...

Smiles.

And I smile in return, uplifted instantly by her raw emotion.

My day has gotten better instantly, and I remember my therapist telling me how it could be done.

'Make someone feel better, and you'll feel better.'

His words only made superficial sense back then, but every time I have actually done what he asked me to do, I have seen their effect on me. He was right. Nothing makes you happier than knowing you are the cause of someone else's happiness. This fulfillment is better than any reward someone can give you.

My phone begins to ring, and I reach towards it to see Olivia's name flashing on the screen.

"Yeah?" I say as soon as I answer and place the phone to my ear.

"I'm so sorry, Ry," she begins quickly, sounding out of breath. "I know you have your appointment, but I totally forgot. I know what you're going to say, I had an alarm and all that but my phone turned off, and I just got out of work and --"

"Hey, relax, okay? It's fine," I half-laugh, half-comfort. "We can skip this appointment and just go next week."

"No, Ryan, you need to get those stitches removed," Olivia whines, and it sounds like she's running. "And we have to ..." She sighs. "I got a couple of hours off work, but it could take me a while to get there, okay? I'm just telling you to not worry, and I'll be there soon."

"Wait, don't leave work," I quickly pick up. "I'll be fine."

"Ryan, you're not skipping your appointments," Olivia scolds.

"I'll get a cab," I say. "I'll order a ride and --"

"I can take you," a voice perks up somewhere around me.

I shift my gaze to the girl sitting on a chair in my room. She's watching me, her fingers twisting together in her lap.

"You ..." I begin. "Are you sure?"

She nods quickly.

"I'll be there in forty-five minutes, all right?" Olivia speaks

"Actually, Olivia," I say. "I can get there by myself."

Olivia pauses.

"I have a friend over," I say with a light smile. "She doesn't mind taking me to the doctor."

"Wait ... are you saying what I think you're saying?" Olivia squeals. "She? A girl? Oh, my God, Ryan --"

"Olivia, you need to chill," I say, trying to fight my smile at her excitement.

"You have a girl over, Ryan, that is so amazing!"

"I'll see you later, okay?" I half-laugh.

"Wait, wait, wait! Now I definitely need to come over." Olivia sounds like she's about to explode. "Who is she? How long has --"

"Gotta go, Olive," I dismiss her mommy-side and hang up before she can say anything. The last thing I hear before I hang up is Olivia's amused laughter.

Turning back to look at Crystal, I see a frown marring her beautiful features. By the looks of it, she's overthinking again.

"Shall we get going then?" I ask, hoping to interrupt her musings. If she says 'no', I'll just stay in bed and live life like I want to. If she's willing to take me to the hospital, at least that will give me more time to get to know her better.

She nods half-heartedly, rising off her seat and walking over to me. She stops in her tracks, looking like she doesn't know what to do next. I try not to smile, holding a hand out for her to take. She comes over, taking my arm in her hand and helping me to my feet.

Sure, I can get up on my own, but getting Crystal to help is something I like doing.

Does this make me a bad person?

Probably not, because she doesn't seem to mind helping.

I hand Crystal my keys while limping down the stairs, one arm around her shoulders, one arm dangling over my useless crutches. It's only after seating me in her passenger seat that Crystal goes back to lock my house up.

The sun is shining brightly overhead today, and though the weather still isn't as hot as it used to be back in LA, it's getting warmer with each passing day. A part of me can't help but pray for the winters to stay.

Crystal begins to drive, her hands curled tightly around the wheel and eyes fixed out on the road through the windshield. She drives under the limit, being more cautious than average people.

Am I the one who scared her like this?

"You can go up to 150, you know," I point out, seeing the speedometer that hasn't gone up to 100 kilometers per hour yet.

She doesn't answer, swallowing hard.

"Crystal?" I insist.

"I don't want you to be in another accident," she answers when she knows I won't let this go.

Guilt fills me yet again, and I feel like a total and utter asshole to have caused her to develop this fearful reaction to the accident. Apparently, she blames herself for my current state.

I look out of the window, wondering how I can possibly make this better. There has to be a way for me to fix the mess I made. To lift the burden I have dumped on her when she clearly doesn't deserve it.

Maybe I can tell her the truth.

Only ... would that really be a good idea?

.\.|./.

A/N: Do you think Ryan will tell Crystal that he jumped in front of her car on purpose? How do you think she will react?

What are your views about Ryan's thoughts and personality? You like, you love, you want? Or you hate? ;)