Chapter Seventeen - I Do

Mágoa:

(n.) A heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions.

Chapter Seventeen – I Do

05-05-2015

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‘It’s almost time man. Say bye to your freedom.’ Tom -a long lost friend of mine- says jokingly as he gives me a pat on my back. I try to give him a small smile in return, but nothing works out for me. Something in the back of my mind says that everything will be alright and I’ll leave the past in the past. But another part of me wants to run away before the ceremony can start.

Somewhere I had hoped that Evan would have reacted to my invite, so that I wouldn’t be alone on this day. But what a fool am I for thinking that someone who likes me wants to see me getting  married to someone else. I am selfish for inviting him, but I feel like I am allowed to be right now.

‘Hey man, no need to look so stressed. Alana and I have been married for over five years and we’re still OK.’ Tom’s words don’t really reassure me at all and I can only feel myself getting more and more nervous. Tom seems oblivious to it as he once more gives me a pat before walking off, leaving me alone in the dressing room.

For a while I just stand here, looking outside to see the guests  slowly start coming in. It’s a distraction really, so I don’t have to think about the consequences that my proposal will make. In less than half an hour all those people will be watching Charlotte and me stating our vows and promise each other our hearts. And all of these people will make sure I will treat her just like I did before, but then with even more respect.

I let out a deep breath as I see my parents parking their car and walking towards the entrance of the church, both with big, proud smiles on their faces. They seem to be more excited than I am and I don’t really blame them. Their son finally seems to be doing something right by marrying the love of his life, if only they knew.

A knock on the door brings me out of my thoughts and I look around confused for a second. I shake my head in frustration as I open the door and come eye to eye with Grace.

‘What do you want Grace?’ I ask as I see her concerned expression.

‘Alexander you can’t do this. You love someone else.’ For just a second I let my eyes widen and I can feel my heart beat quicker. There is no possible way she can know. I compose myself in the blink of an eye and as controlled as I can I tell her another lie.

‘What are you talking about Grace? I love Charlotte you know that.’ As she cracks a smile I’m ready to knock her down, but of course she wouldn’t have known. She wraps her arms around me and brings me into a brief hug.

‘I’m just kidding Alexander, chill. I’m just here to congratulate you and to tell you that Father Joseph’s waiting for you.’ I slowly push her away from my body and she lets out a laugh at my uncomfortable expression.

‘I’ll see you in a minute.’ She says before she disappears from my view. I take one last deep breath before walking out of the small room, not forgetting to close the door behind me.

As I enter the church everyone goes quiet and I get more nervous as I come closer to the alter and the fact that Father Joseph is waiting for me doesn’t make it any easier. As I stand in front of him he gives me a small nod as a welcome before he returns his focus to the door.

And then it opens and I have never felt my heart beat as fast as it does right now.

A lump forms in my throat as I see her walking down the aisle with her father walking along sides to her, their arms locked together. It’s almost impossible not to notice how her dress fits perfectly on her petite frame. With the long vail that’s floating behind her which makes her seem even more fragile than she is. A couple of bridesmaids follow her, making sure to avoid stepping on the dress as they look down at the ground.

I can see the love in her eyes, the look of pure excitement as she takes in my clothed form, a way too expensive suit covering my body which she hopes she’ll see by the end of the night. But that thought makes me want to cry.

The knowledge of having another person’s hands on my body, the hands of a woman nonetheless, makes me want to puke and to run away to beg Evan for his forgiveness. But something inside of me knows that this is the best for us, for our relationship and for the rest of our lives. We will never be accepted here, people don’t understand love. They think it’s a thing you can choose and if one chooses to be gay, they must be out to sin, to destroy their society.

Slowly she walks closer to me, the smile on her face becoming more prominent as she sees my watering eyes. She must think I am emotional because of her, but I am emotional because of Evan, because he never leaves my mind.

With every breath I take I can see her coming closer to me and with every steps she takes, I become more nervous.

And then she’s here, in front of me with her hands locked with mine. Her father gives me one last threatening glare, to warn me not to break her heart and to keep the promises that I will be stating in less than a minute. In front of her whole family, a part of the society and Father Joseph, the one who can ruin lives in the blink of an eye all in God’s name. If he finds out about Evan, he will make sure to ruin my life, to make the people here believe that God never wanted people from the same gender to love each other.

I can’t stand to look her in the eyes, to lie to her while stating my false promises. While saying that I love her and to break her heart unknowingly by always looking for him.

I slowly rub my thumbs on the back of her hand, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about him. About how his skin is softer and more pure and about how he would never have betrayed me the way I am betraying him.

It’s too late to back out now though. I can only hope that he will forgive me and that he’ll try to understand why I did this.

‘Dear children of God, you have come to this church so that the Lord may seal your love in the presence of the priest and this community.’

As the words start flowing through the room I get more and more nervous. There won’t be a way back after I say ‘I do’.

‘Christian marriage is a sacred union which enriches natural love. It binds those who enter it to be faithful to each other forever; it creates between them a bond that endures for life and cannot be broken.’

I can see the happiness in her eyes grow as the vows get spoken out loud. This is something she has been dreaming of since she was a little girl and now I am here to crush that dream for her. To make her understand that this marriage is far from a fairytale.

‘It demands that they love and honor each other, that they accept from God the children he may give them and bring them up in love.’

For just a few seconds it feels as if my heart stops beating, as if the whole world just stops the constant turning. I hadn’t even put thought into children, into having kids of my own. And now here I am, probably going to be a father in less than ten months.

How will I be able to stay with Evan if I can’t leave her behind. If I can’t just say that I am leaving them all behind, Charlotte, the community and the place that I have come to hate.

‘To help them in their marriage, the husband and wife receive the life-long grace of the sacrament. Is this your understanding of marriage?’

I stare nervously at her, trying not to show that I’d rather be running away than holding her hands in this church. But I don’t have a choice, I remind myself, and with that I speak up, at the same time that the words roll of her tongue.

‘It is.’

I unconsciously squeeze Charlotte’s hands as I think of what will come next. We have practiced this time and time again, rehearsed it until I could dream it. The declaration of consent.

Charlotte looks me in the eye and gives me a reassuring smile, still thinking that I am just nervous because of the fact that we’ll be married within mere minutes. And she’s right, but the reason behind it is completely different.

I look around the room, checking to see if all the people we invited are really here. But all those people give me the same look, a reminder to keep myself to the promises I’m about to state.

‘You may speak your vows,’ the Priest says as my silence goes on for a bit too long.

With one last nervous look around the room I open my mouth and let the words slip away.

‘Do you, Charlotte Louise Demoins, consent to be my lawfully wedded wife?’

Unlike me, Charlotte doesn’t take her time to think over her answer. She already knows what she wants to say.

‘I do. And do you, Alexander Finley Donahew, take me as your lawfully wedded wife?’

In a shaky voice I whisper my yes.

She takes one final breath before giving a small nod, signaling me that it’s time. Time to speak out the only thing that keeps us from being husband and wife. The one thing that has kept me sane, until now. It’s only now that I can’t keep them inside me anymore. All my feeling pour out of me as tears run down my cheeks. I hear the aw’s fill the room and I can’t help but to cry harder.

With a thrilling voice I begin.

‘To love each other truly, for better and for worse, for richer and for poor, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.’

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, this is it. We will be officially married now. I will live my life, maybe happy, probably not. But I will have to live my life without him, without the real love of my life.

‘What God joins together men must not separate. May the Lord confirm the consent that you have given, and enrich you with his blessings. You may now kiss your bride.’ And that is when the last “single man” breath leaves my body and all hope leaves with it too.

I will officially be hers now, and Evan cannot be a part of it.

As my lips meet Charlotte’s everyone breaks out in cheers and screams and it makes the situation even worse. I try to think about something else, but every time I try that Evan pops into my head. I break our kiss as soon as he enters my mind, but Charlotte doesn’t seem to mind. She takes my hand in hers and walks us down the aisle towards the back room.

She literally screams once we’re completely out of view from the guests and she immediately throws her arms around my neck. I slowly circle her waist with my hands, but I don’t share the same excitement as she does.

‘We’re married!’ She screams to no one in particular and I smile at her excitement. She really does love me and that makes me feel even more guilty.

Around ten minutes later we walk through the church together, heading towards the door in the back that will lead us to the garden. As we step outside everyone claps and screams as they welcome us with “Misses and Mister Donahew”. I awkwardly smile and wave at all the people that come and congratulate us, that is until I spot a familiar face.

My heart almost stops beating as I see his face, a small stubble on his chin and cheeks. He’s wearing something fancy, but I can’t make myself to really care. I let go of Charlotte’s hand, but she doesn’t seem faced by it as she keeps talking with the couple in front of us. As I come closer I can’t contain my excitement, after three months I can finally see him again.

‘Hi.’ I say softly once I’m in front of him and he looks up to me through his lashes. Instead of really answering me he offers me his outstretched hand and I slowly place mine in it.

‘Congratulations.’ He says as he carefully shakes my hand and I can feel the tears building up.

‘Thank you Evan. How have you been?’ I feel lame for asking him such a standard question, he deserves more than that. In my head I had planned to kiss him the first time I’d see him again, but that seems so impossible with how distant he seems.

‘I’ve been OK. You miserable?’ I don’t even feel affected by his comment, I merely shrug in agreement.

‘I’ve been missing you.’ I say honestly and something familiar to a smile shows on his face, but only briefly.

‘I have been missing you too, but it’s for the best’, he says and I am tempted to knock some sense into him, even though I had the same thoughts before.

‘It’s not for the best, I am dying without you.’ I tell him and now I can see the tears forming in his eyes.

‘I didn’t want to lose you so soon.’ He whispers as he looks around and it’s only now that I notice all the people around us again. But I don’t really care about any of them right now.

‘Can we at least like, meet each other some time?’ I ask -more like plead- him. I never look away from his face, but the waiting is making me anxious.

‘Text me sometime and we’ll see.’ He says a bit rushed and I look confused as to why he’s rushing all of a sudden. His first anxious expression changes to a laugh and I look confused until I hear Charlotte’s voice from beside me.

‘Evan! What nice to see you here!’ She says excitedly and he give her a very polite handshake.

‘Misses Donahew,’ he says teasingly, ‘congratulations on your marriage.’ Charlotte puts a hand on her chest and overly dramatically answers him.

‘Why thank you sir,’ she looks confused for a second but Evan quickly steps in.

‘Knight.’ Charlotte’s eyes widen for a second and I question myself why.

‘You had an issue with my husband’s firm?’ She asks him and for a second he looks taken aback, luckily he quickly composes himself.

‘I don’t think I have a problem with them miss, I simply deliver the mail there.’ Charlotte seems to believe his lie without thinking twice and I let out a relieved sigh. Maybe today is not as bad as I thought it would be.

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A/N: HI

I am very sorry for the late update! I graduated last week, so I have plenty of time to update now!

Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!

P.S. Which character do you like/dislike the most?

~Noortje