Chapter 15 - Broken Fingers and Wet Lips

Matt sat outside at break, his fingers skimming over images of himself in his sketchbook, things he’d seen and the bottle of perfume that smelt of raspberries. He wondered why he always drew about things that related to him at that point in his life, how he was never able to properly draw something completely random like a shoe unless it had something to do with what he was thinking about.

It was cold outside but the heat that radiated off Matt was enough to keep him comfortably warm, unlike everyone else who was outside, who were hugging themselves to stay a normal temperature as the wind beat against their backs. He wished that he was like them at times, but at this point he was quite happy being different because he didn’t suffer like they did. If he wanted to he could take off his top and still be fine with the wind curling against his spine.

He had been quiet in lessons. Geography had been boring and science had just been uncomfortable. Luckily he had Art next, meaning Kristen wasn’t going to be in his class. She was off to do some Latin, which, apparently, she was completely fluent in already.

Matt had no idea that Kristen knew any languages but when he was swapping lessons he had overheard Franck and Harriett, two people in his Geography, talking about how Kristen was acing her Latin and that they’d overheard Gareth and Kristen talking about how she also knew French, German, Italian, Arabic and Russian. He was surprised at this and just a little bit jealous too, as she knew so much more than him already.

Now he sat, closing his notebook and sighing, watching as someone’s glove was carried off by the wind into the closest wall. Seeing Kristen with Gareth after their little exchange in the classroom had been weird. He didn’t know how to react to her anymore. He’d been strong enough to let her close and touch the cut that was almost, if not all, completely gone by now. However, getting any closer than that was probably pushing it.

Although, he’d been very good lately. He’d been able to be in control with her even when she was touching his chest which made him think that maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to act normal after all with her.

He wouldn’t push himself to kiss her though. Yes, he was able to touch her more without stressing out in case he changed, but kissing her was different. He’d end up relaxing against her and putting his guard down, endangering her, himself and anyone else around them. It wasn’t a good idea.

Unfortunately.

No, he couldn’t think like that. He didn’t want to get with her. Why was he suddenly thinking about having a relationship? Why was he thinking about her, of all people? Was this her plan all along? Was he crazy?!

He’d forgotten about what risks there could be in having someone so close. Now his features hardened and he shook his head from all of the ‘maybe’s’ swimming around up there. There was no maybes in his life. There was nothing. No. A wall. A barrier. He couldn’t cross it. He didn’t know what he was fully capable of. He could kill her.

Speaking of which, she was with Gareth. At this moment in time they were both on the other side of the yard, huddling with Laura, her newest guy and a few other fans, lads and girls who were only friends because they wanted to be popular. Kristen was laughing with Laura, holding onto a black hat that she must have taken out of her bag.

Gareth was behind her, talking to one of the other lads quietly, grinning at something in an evil kind of way. His arms were around Kristen’s waist and he squeezed her closer to him, cuddling her before kissing her shoulder and neck. She was smiling as Laura was laughing at something, one hand on Gareth’s.

Suddenly he spun her around in his arms and grabbed her face, kissing her roughly with force. Her eyes almost popped out of her skull as she tried to get to grips with what he was doing. Matt tightened his hands into fists and blew out, wondering whether to go over and break it up. He knew he shouldn’t but he had one hell of an urge to do so.

Laura was looking over at him, he realised quickly. He composed his face and looked down at his hands, relaxing them, trying to see from the corner of his eye what was happening. Gareth had moved back, pressing Kristen’s body to him in an embrace, his forehead resting on hers. She was licking her lips and talking quietly to him but it wasn’t long before he kissed her again with less force this time. This time she replied and touched his face gently with her fingertips.

Matt groaned inwards and shook his head as a gust of wind pushed his hair over his face. He shouldn’t be feeling this way but no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he didn’t care for Kristen, it was wasted. He did care for her, more than he should. It was stupid and impossible; no way would anything be able to happen between them. For some reason she wouldn’t leave his head, even when he tried to think of other more important things.

He could already smell Laura by the time she came over. He didn’t look up; she wasn’t worth the bother. She stood with her arms crossed, her knees cold and shaking, her hair up in a pony tail with so much make-up it was unbelievable. Behind her, her new lad was looking over with a curious, kind of scared expression, sizing up Matt's height.

“Oi.” She said through chattered teeth.

Matt ignored her and slowly put his book into his bag so that she wouldn’t take it.

“Hello? Earth to Weirdo.” She waved her hand in front of his face and he looked up at her, giving her a filthy look. “Oh you’re alive? Shame.” She rolled her eyes and began to move her hand away back into the folded position.

Suddenly Matt jumped up and grabbed her wrist. She jumped out of her skin and stepped backwards, her eyes wide. He leaned into her face and saw her eyes panic. “What do you want, Laura?” Matt hissed.

“I…Let go of me.” She whispered, the strength gone from her voice. He tightened his hold and almost dragged her closer, the smell making his nose twitch as her breath came out in short whisps.

“What do you want?” He hissed through his teeth and she swallowed, her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

“I…I…Let go. Let go of me.” She stammered and pulled on her arm. “Let go of me.” Her other hand began to try and peel his fingers from her skin.

“Laura, I don’t understand why you try and look so tough in front of people, because when you have to prove it you’re a coward. Look at yourself. If I attacked you now you wouldn’t be able to fight back. Why bother?” He moved close to her face and lowered his voice. “Whatever you’re about to say, it's not really important and so it's kind of pointless. So if I were you I’d shut up and go away.” He let go of her wrist with a shove and she staggered back, her eyes wide and afraid. “Leave me alone and stop trying to be someone you’re not.” He muttered and grabbed his bag from the floor.

Laura was frozen for a moment and then she watched him, her lips wobbling because of the cold. “How dare you. Who do you think you are?” She almost whispered.

“Look at yourself, Laura.” He rolled his eyes and indicated the group of people where Kristen and Gareth stood, half of them looking over. “You’re a fake. At least I know who I am.”

“Now wait a second.” Laura said and grabbed his arm with her nails.

Matt glared at her and had to fight not to hiss at her. “I wouldn’t. If. I. Were. You.” He said slowly and his lip began to curl, his eyes flashing dangerously.

“You cant speak to me like that.” She hissed stupidly. “You may think you own the school, Matt, but you’re a nobody. You're a nobody with no friends.”

A hiss growled under his breath and his fingers began to tremble. “I chose not to have friends. Friends just get in the way.”

“Face it, Matt. You’re alone.” She snarled into his face, risking a lean inwards.

This time he did hiss and his legs began to shake. He peeled her fingers off of his arm and gripped them tightly, squeezing as her expression turned from anger to agony. She murmured painful cries as he went right up to her face. “I may be alone, but at least I choose to be that way. At least I don’t hide behind a pathetic attitude to stay popular. At least I'm not an easy,” He moved closer to her face, “Pitiful, low life like you. You disgust me. I could break your fingers right now.”

Laura let a tear drop down her cheek as she shook her head quickly. “Don’t.”

“Give me one reason why not.” He snarled, his whole body shaking.

Laura whimpered.

They were no longer alone. Raspberries choked him and he had to force himself not to gag. Kristen stood next to them, her eyes wide, looking at the situation, assessing the danger.

How had she appeared so quickly?

She looked from Matt to Laura to the bone crunching grip Matt had on Laura’s hand. Her voice was quiet but clear as she stepped forward to grab their attention. “What’s going on?”

“I'm just asking Laura why I shouldn’t break her fingers.” Matt muttered and Laura winced. He just wanted to squeeze her more just to cause her even more pain. He didn’t care about Laura. He’d decided: if he was able to pick the next person to be taken, no doubt she would be top of his list.

Kristen watched Laura’s face and then looked up at Matt with wide eyes. She knew he was strong so why did she have such a shocked expression? His legs continued to shake but he held still, forcing himself not to move. He had locked on her fingers and now he didn’t think he could let go.

“Matt, let go.” Kristen said quietly.

Matt tightened his grip and her fingers clicked painfully. Laura winced and her knees almost buckled as she gasped, her eyes bulging.

“Matt.” Kristen touched her fingertip to Matt’s wrist and coldness shot up his arm, causing him to shiver quickly. Her voice was gentle but controlled. “Let Laura go.”

His fingers slowly peeled off Laura and Laura jumped back, clutching her hand to her chest. Matt lifted his hand to look at it and he crunched it into a fist, grinding his knuckles together as he breathed out angrily.

“Ill get you for this!” Laura whimpered and moved away from them. “You don’t know what’s coming to you!” She almost shouted before running back to the group.

Matt shook, trembling from head to toe. He couldn’t change. He couldn’t. Not now. He couldn’t think about running after her and ripping her to pieces. He couldn’t think of using her as bait to catch the murderer. He had to control himself.

Kristen was still watching him. Her eyes her wide, her hair blowing her hair back over her shoulders. She looked so dark, not scared but something more than calm. Curious? Interested? She studied his face and then touched his arm lightly. “Calm down.” She murmured.

“Leave me alone.” He grunted and breathed out heavily, scrunching up his hands even more until his knuckles went white.

“Matt.” She whispered and he looked into her black eyes that shined back at him. “You’re shaking.”

He shook her off and stepped away. “I know. I said leave me alone.”

Before she could reply he walked swiftly away and left her standing alone in the middle of the yard. He had to calm down. He felt as if he was about to burst. His chest expanded dangerously large as he tried to control himself. He moved into the corridor and rested his head on the wall, his eyes closing, his head lolling.

He couldn’t do anything until he was together again. For this, he had to wait for a few seconds and think of something boring which would distract him. The corridor was quickly emptied as he was down there and so it was a lot easier without the background noise.

He could have broken her hand. That definitely wouldn’t have been good. Breaking Laura’s hand, though she deserved it, wouldn’t have been good, as it would have made him the centre of attention. Of course, everyone already knew he was very strong. Why anyone would go against him was beyond him but if she wanted to he couldn’t exactly stop her. She was just going to end up hurt. If Kristen hadn’t have cut in…

He would have broken her fingers. If Kristen hadn’t have appeared and distracted him he could have endangered so many people. He had been about to change. Changing right then would have been disastrous. He hadn’t been thinking and therefore he had to thank Kristen for her butting in.

He breathed slower and opened his eyes, staring at the ground. The shaking was stopping. His fingers were no longer trembling. His legs had stabilised and he was calming his breathing down a bit. Thank god. It was close. He could feel himself turning. He’d stopped it. Kristen had stopped it.

Speaking of Kristen, guess who came around the corner to see where he had gone? She wouldn’t leave him alone and, though it should have bothered him like it had done beforehand, he felt calm watching her come towards him, as if everything was okay.

It was stupid, ridiculous to think of. Everything was far from okay.

Kristen moved towards him, her bag hanging from her shoulder, her skirt hitched half way up her thigh and her tie smaller than usual. She joined him on the wall and looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He turned his head away and continued to gaze at the ground as if he was ashamed of his actions.

“Are you alright?” She asked quietly and nudged his elbow.

He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes slowly. “Yeah.”

“What happened?”

He sighed and shook his head, dismissing the explanation. “Nothing. I got worked up.”

“You could have broken her hand.” She murmured and looked at her own hand, turning it back and forth as if she’d never seen her own hand before.

“I know. I would have done.” He answered and looked down the corridor at the door he had come from, leading to the yard outside where Laura and the group of followers stood.

“You’re really…confusing.” She frowned and pushed her hair back, the shine running down her hair from the light coming through the nearest window. A new waft of raspberries hit his face but this time he welcomed it, breathing in and sighing.

“How?” He glanced at her and tried not to swallow.

“You’re really strong but you don’t use it. Even against Laura you stop before you begin. Why?” She traced the lines on her own palm on her left hand quietly, like a palm reader. She was fascinating to watch. Small things definitely amused her.

“I don’t want to hurt people.” He answered in an almost whisper.

“You always say you’re dangerous though. How can you be if you can stop yourself all the time?” She looked up at him as if she could read the answer in his eyes.

“You don’t understand.” He murmured, hiding his face.

She waited.

“Just because I can stop myself doesn’t mean I'm not dangerous." He continued quietly. "Im not good. You know how strong I am. If I lost it I could seriously hurt someone. I cant always stop.” He added in a whisper. He stopped then. Why was he telling her this? Wasn’t it his aim to tell her as little as possible? The more she knew the worse he was. The more easily she could discover his secret. Somehow he couldn’t stop.

He wanted to tell her everything.

“You’re not dangerous because you don’t want to be. You’re scared.” She touched his arm gently with her fingers. “Which is why you wont do anything. Yes, you’re strong, but you don’t use it badly. You could hurt someone, but you don’t. That’s the point. If you can stop when you’re angry at Laura you can stop in any other situation if you desperately wanted to.”

Matt shook his head. “No. You don’t understand. I cant. I cant control myself.”

Kristen looked at him silently. After a moment she looked out of the window at Laura, who was showing her hand to her new boyfriend. The boyfriend did the gooey move and cuddled Laura to his chest, kissing her red hand. Matt hadn't broken anything but he was sure that Laura was trying to show off that he had. Kristen looked back at him and smiled softly. “You just did.”

“That was nothing. I was expecting it and I still struggled. I cant stop. Not just like that.” Matt turned to face the window and put his head in his hands, leaning on the shelf.

“You can if you put your mind to it. You weren’t going to hurt Laura.” Kristen said, leaning over too so that she could whisper in his ear.

“I was. I was so close.” Matt scrunched his eyes up as he rested his head in his palms. “Its too dangerous to be near me. Imagine if that was you…” His voice trailed off and they stood in silence again.

“You wouldn’t hurt me.” Kristen whispered and touched his shoulder lightly, coldness flooding through his back.

“You don’t know what I can do.” Matt almost moaned. He was able to force his voice to normal but it still sounded strained.

“No,” She said, “But I know you wouldn’t hurt me. You’re so anxious, so careful not to hurt me. You wouldn’t even if you wanted to.” A smile entered her voice as she thought this over.

Matt shook his head. She really didn’t understand. Just because he was able to control himself now while he was around her didn’t mean that he would be able to every other time. At some point he would make a mistake, a mistake which would affect the rest of her life. He couldn’t bear to do that to her. Not because he felt anything, like he still continued to remind himself, but because it would affect him too. She would end up knowing his secret and then he would become in danger. It was funny to admit it but it was true. Knowing about his secret meant very bad problems, even if he trusted them with it.

“I would hurt you accidentally. Don’t say I wouldn’t because I would. At some point I will end up hurting you if you become any closer.” He stood up straight and set his face into stone.

“That’s what’s stopping you seeing me. You’re scared of hurting me, even if you wouldn’t.” Kristen watched as Matt turned his face away so she couldn’t look at him. “Matt, its sweet, but I don’t need looking after. I can handle myself…”

Matt shook his head. “You cant handle me. Im way too much to deal with. Its too complicated.” He faced Kristen and, for once, grabbed her arms, his fingers digging into her skin. She winced once, but she quickly composed her face and looked at his, waiting. He licked his lips. “You make it so difficult.”

“How?” She raised an eyebrow but stayed still.

He nestled his fingers into her skin slightly and felt her coolness underneath. “You’re always trying to be friends, trying to get close to me, to kiss me…” He could feel heat rising to his neck but he continued faster. “You make things so hard. Im trying to control myself and you’re always here, muddling my head. You don’t understand that every time you’re with me you’re in danger of being hurt if I get annoyed with you.”

“I thought you were always annoyed with me.” She murmured.

“I act that way so you don’t come any closer. I thought it was working. Obviously not.” He let go of her and turned his head away, giving her a chance to rub her arms quickly where his grasp had been. “I cant seem to stop you coming closer. Everything I try fails.”

“Then don’t try.” She whispered. “Nothing bad has happened.”

“Yet.” He glared at her.

Kristen looked down at the floor as if she was thinking about it all. “Im sorry.”

Matt shook his head. “You always say that. You wont understand. You don’t know the big picture. You have to stay away. Otherwise…”

“You’ll kill me?”

Matt’s eyes widened and he stared at her. “No.” She looked at his hands and pressed her own onto the shelf beside them. He sighed, ignoring the movement. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Just say you like me, Matt. I’ll be happy once you admit it.” Her eyes glistened and he swallowed, suddenly not wanting this conversation.

“What difference would it make?” He said and pushed himself away from her, grabbing his bag. “Like it would change anything.”

“Matt please.” She grabbed his sleeve and he caught his breath.

He scrunched his eyes up and bowed his head. “I care about your safety. Don’t risk it for me.”

Kristen continued to grip his arm. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Matt pulled her hands off of him. “What do you think.” He avoided her eye contact and stepped around her quickly.

She spun around to watch him go. “Matt!” She called.

He looked around at her and swallowed.

“I like you too.” She smiled.

Matt turned away, stood frozen for a moment. Then slowly he walked away, leaving Kristen beaming from eye to eye, a twinkle in her empty pupils.

------------------------------------------

Aw isn't that cute. Poor Matt and his struggle for everyone's safety.

Bless.

Please comment your thoughts!