Lust: Chapter 4

“The pencil skirt will be less comfortable,” Livvy says, “but you look like a badass CEO, and I feel like you’ll be more confident than if you wear something looser.”

“I want to look professional.” I narrow my eyes at myself in the mirror and lower my chin, trying my best to look like a badass. “He might be my future brother-in-law.”

Livvy snorts. “It’s so weird that he actually listened to your dad and asked her out. Anyone with eyes can see he’s attracted to you.”

I shoot her a skeptical look in the mirror. Livvy and her sister, Vanessa, have been telling me for months that they think Brandon has a crush on me, which is utterly ridiculous. He treats me like a little kid.

Livvy grins. “How much do you want to bet he’s going to do a double take when he sees you in this outfit?

I flutter my eyelids as I pull my hair into a tight bun at the back of my neck. “He’d be so grossed out if he heard you say that. He thinks he’s my second dad. And not my daddy in a hot way, though I would love it if he spanked me.”

Livvy giggles. “He’s so hot it’s obscene. Sometimes I look at him up at the pulpit and can’t believe he’s my pastor.” Her smile fades. “But I disagree with you about the dad thing. He’s friends with my dad, too. He definitely doesn’t look at Vanessa or me the way he looks at you.”

“Or Sofia, which is strange. Since he’s, you know, dating her.”

Livvy’s dark eyes probe into mine through the mirror. “She’s stalking Finn on Instagram right now. I could see it over her shoulder when I came in.”

A weight pulls at the center of my chest. There’s no mistaking the concern in Livvy’s voice.

“I think it’s normal.” My voice is not quite steady. “She hasn’t dated at all since Finn. We tend to stay hung up on the last person we were in a relationship with.”

Livvy frowns. “She’s in a relationship with Brandon.”

“They’re courting,” I correct. “That’s what Mom and Dad call it, at least. And Sofi.”

Her nose wrinkles. “It’s so weird how she’s still caught up in purity culture. She seems too levelheaded for it.”

“She doesn’t question things the same way we do. Plus, she’s impatient to get married, and purity culture speeds up the process. Saving yourself until marriage means a quick engagement.”

“Not with Brandon, if that’s what she’s hoping for. He doesn’t even believe sex outside of marriage is wrong.”

A naughty smile tugs at my lips. “What a bummer for her that she thinks it’s wrong. Can you imagine what sex with Brandon would be like? He was kinky before he became a pastor. I’m certain of it.”

Livvy slaps her palm over her face, and her chest shakes with repressed laughter. “Oh, Mari. You’re his intern now. What’s more kinky than that?”

I put one finger over my lips and gesture with my head at my open bedroom door. “If Sofi hears us, she’ll tell my dad. I need them to think I’m serious about this job.”

Livvy wrinkles her nose. “It was so shady that they did this to you. It feels like an ambush.”

I rub the bit of gloss I applied around my lips. “It’ll look good on my resume.”

Livvy frowns. “You could have found something much more relevant to your concentration.”

I shrug. “But I haven’t yet, and I’m starting school in a month. At least this’ll keep my parents happy.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “I feel like you do that a lot. Things you don’t feel like doing but keep your parents happy.”

My throat grows tight, and I look away from Livvy. Her voice is so gentle. Her words are free of accusation. She’s genuinely concerned.

“Alright,” I say to change the subject. “Let’s see what Sofi thinks of my outfit.”

Livvy smiles sadly, because she knows me well. She knows I’m not in the mood to discuss my fraught relationship with my family. As we walk into the kitchen, Sofia slams her phone on the table.

Ah, she wants to hide that she was looking at Finn’s Instagram.

“How do I look?” I ask her.

Her expression is dull as she runs her gaze from the neck of my button-up shirt to the hem of my pencil skirt. “That skirt is too tight. Remember you’re working for a church.”

She says “church” with so much emphasis, I have to clench my teeth to keep myself from snarling at her.

This is just how it’s been between us lately. She’s utterly dismissive and sometimes just straight up mean.

I run my palms down the fabric on my thighs. “It’s not like I have any curves to speak of.”

Livvy glares at Sofia, and my heart clenches. My bestie always has my back. She’s been more upset at Sofia’s treatment of me than I have these past several months.

“New Morning isn’t like the church we grew up in,” Livvy says, her voice gentle but with a hint of steel in it.

Sofia keeps her eyes fixed on her spoon. “I still think it’s too tight.”

Livvy shoots me an irritated look, and I turn away to roll my eyes without Sofia seeing.

“Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ll be late if I change.”

“You better get going then,” Sofia says. “It’s really important to Mom and Dad that you do well today.”

I inhale a steady breath to calm my pulse. What bullshit that they all orchestrated this behind my back and have absolutely no remorse.

I hate being the baby of the family.

“I’ll make sure I do you all proud,” I say, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. “Livvy, want to walk me out?”

Livvy’s expression tells me she’s moments away from giving Sofia a piece of her mind, and I can’t have that. Not when I want Sofia to be proud of me, even though I know that I should have more dignity and expect her to meet me halfway as we bridge the chasm between us.

But she doesn’t feel the depth of it, and that’s the problem. She doesn’t need me like I need her.

It sucks.

Brandon

I had an epiphany this morning.

This sudden lust for Mariana is nothing extraordinary. It’s embedded in my genes. This must be exactly what it’s like for my dad. This is why he’s now had three wives and countless affairs. He’s hit with lust and then immediately succumbs to it. As with all intense emotions, it fades quickly, and he’s on to the next conquest.

As much as I’m loath to admit it, I have a part of him within me.

Unlike him though, I won’t succumb to lust. I may have been a slave to my desires before I found God, just like my worthless father, but now I have a higher purpose. I have a guiding light to pull me from my darker impulses. Having fleeting thoughts about Mariana is beyond my control, but they won’t guide my actions.

I need time, though.

I can’t start ministering to her alone in my office until this lust starts to lose its potency, which given my old habits and need for novelty, will probably be any day.

Until then, I need to keep my distance from her as much as I can. She’s a sharp, watchful girl. Socially intuitive. I can’t give her the opportunity to pick up on the direction of my thoughts, not if I want her to feel comfortable opening up to me.

There’s a vacant office at the other end of the church. Sure, it might seem odd to put my personal assistant that far away from me, but I can give Mariana research-related tasks. It’s the perfect solution.

She’ll get the internship she needs for her resume, and I’ll have the space to let whatever this is fade. I won’t be constantly surrounded by her dancing eyes and naughty smile.

Fuck. I don’t like thinking of her this way.

I’m startled when my receptionist, Harper, peeks into my office and smiles. “Mari just arrived.”

I nod. “Send her in.”

A moment later, Mariana steps inside my office, and my gut clenches. Her hair is swept up, revealing her swanlike neck. She’s wearing a formfitting skirt that hugs the flare of her hips and those toned thighs.

I’ve seen her in tight clothes before, damn it. I’ve seen her in a bikini. Why is my body reacting this way now?

“I have some things for you to fill out before you get started,” I say, hating how husky my voice sounds.

She smiles as she walks over to my desk, stopping only a few feet away. She smells so damn good.

Why have I never noticed the way she smells before?

“Since it’s a volunteer position,” I say, “there isn’t a whole lot to fill out. Just this form right here, and then—” I flip the page over “—sign and date on the back.”

“Got it.” She smiles as she grabs the paper from my hand. She glances at the two couches at the front of my office, and it’s only when she perches her hip on the edge of my desk that I realize my mistake.

Damn it. I forgot to get her a clipboard, so now she’s forced to stay at my desk to sign the papers. She’s so fucking close. I can almost feel the heat radiating from her body.

“I have to go check on something,” I say. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

She frowns before nodding, and I rush out of the office, my heart pounding in my chest. When I make it outside, I run my cold hands over my hot face.

What is wrong with me? This is Mariana. I’m around her all the time. I’ve never been this aware of her before today.

I’m psyching myself out. That’s what this is. I’m not used to thinking about her this way, and it’s making me self-conscious when I shouldn’t be. It’s not like I’m going to lose control and maul her, pin her up against my bookshelf and pound myself inside her.

Fuck. Now I’m picturing it.

After a few minutes, I muster up the courage to walk back into the office. I clear my throat. “I have an office set up for you. Right this way.”

Mariana follows me through the hallway, and her scent washes over me yet again.

I wish I had never made that celibacy vow. Why couldn’t I have promised God I’d be celibate for a year? That would have been plenty of time to focus on my new role as a pastor. There was no need to wait until I find the woman I want to marry, especially when that might never happen for all I know.

I need a woman soon. A woman who’s not Mariana to purge me of these unwanted thoughts.

Maybe I need to spend some time in prayer about what I should do about that celibacy vow.

“Where is this office?” Mariana asks, her voice full of surprise.

It must seem odd to her that I’m putting her, my temporary personal assistant, this far away from me.

“It’s our old media coordinator’s office, and it’s one of the biggest in the building.” It’s not a lie, but I wish I could have said it with more conviction.

“Here it is,” I say, gesturing through the doorway. Mariana walks inside and looks around the area.

“You should have plenty of room,” I say.

She frowns. “There’s more than enough room, but…” Those piercing dark eyes meet mine. “Why don’t I have Daisy’s office?”

I avert my eyes from hers. “I wanted to give you a good experience as an…intern. You said you wanted to learn theology.”

“You think I’ll learn theology from you better all the way over here?”

It sounds so ridiculous when she puts it that way, and I wish I had thought of a better excuse. “I figured you wouldn’t be bothered so much with the noise. You can read articles and do research for my sermons.”

She nods slowly, but I sense that she’s still perplexed.

“Well,” I start, needing to get the hell out of here. “Daisy put everything you need to know in here.” I hand Mariana a three-ring plastic binder. “You should be set for the next few hours. Do you need help with that?” I gesture at the computer.

Mariana glances at the computer, then back at me. “Do I need help…turning it on?”

I smile to hide the real reason for the question. That computer is an old piece of shit, and she actually might need help turning it on. But fuck, I can’t tell her that.

Then she’ll know I put her in here for no good reason.

Those big eyes grow heavy-lidded. “I think I’ve got it covered, Pastor.” She says “Pastor” with that irreverent cheekiness that’s always amused me.

Not anymore. Now it resurrects dangerous memories of my wicked past. I want to use my authoritative pastor voice to command her onto her knees.

Fuck, I need to get out of here.

With effort, I smile. “Let me know if you need anything. Harper can help you too if I’m busy.”

Just as I make it to the door, her voice halts me. “Oh, no.”

My stomach sinks. “What happened?”

“The computer just shut off.”

Why didn’t I anticipate this? “Yeah, it gets overheated pretty easily. Hold the power button down for several seconds.”

She follows my instruction, and nothing happens.

“You kind of have to…jam your finger in there.”

Still nothing.

“This thing is a little…old.” I walk over to the desk. She scoots her chair aside to make room for me, but she’s not nearly far enough away for comfort. I lean down to press the monitor button, jamming my finger in hard and counting to ten. But as her scent washes over me, the numbers in my mind fade into the abyss.

She smells like something tropical. Beach spray, I think an old girlfriend called it. The smell of tanning oil and orchids. It makes me wish we were lying on a tropical beach, and I was running my hand along her oiled-down skin.

Oh, Jesus. What would Hector think if he knew I imagined these things about his baby daughter, the one he wants me to guide spiritually?

I let go of the power button, and the screen flickers, which is a good sign. “It’ll take forever to start up, and you should shut down every program that pops up or else it will overheat.”

She smiles primly. “Got it.”

I nod. “Need anything else?”

“I was wondering…” She licks her bottom lip. “Never mind.”

“What?”

“Dad’s always teasing you about your tattoo sleeves, and I was thinking…” Her little brow knits as her gaze shifts to my left biceps. “What does that one mean?”

Fuck, I love that adorable, inquisitive frown on her face as she stares at my stupid tattoo. The one I’ve had since college that stands out like a sore thumb compared to all the others. I’ve had a good laugh about it with friends over the years.

“It’s a Lakers tattoo,” I say.

Her cute little nose wrinkles, and I can’t help but chuckle.

She licks her lips as she stares at my arm, making my stomach clench.

“It’s very dramatic looking for a Lakers tattoo.”

“I thought I was going to play for them someday. In fact, I was certain of it.”

Her eyes grow wide. “Were you that good?”

“Nope. Not even close.”

She laughs. “That’s a bummer.”

I shrug. “I was pretty good. I got a scholarship in college, but nowhere near NBA good.”

She smiles sweetly. “We do have quite the audacity as teenagers, don’t we?”

Warmth rushes through my veins. “We do.”

“When I was fifteen, I truly thought I was going to be married to Harry Styles by now. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.”

I let out a laugh. “That wasn’t even that long ago.”

When her smile fades, I wince. “I don’t mean to sound patronizing.”

She lifts a brow. “You’re almost a decade younger than my dad. You do realize that, right?”

“I do. It doesn’t feel like it though.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “It’s because you’re men. Age is only a big deal with women because men are obsessed with our ages. We’re not obsessed with yours. I’m a grown woman. You’re a grown man. It doesn’t matter that I’m your friend’s daughter. I’m your peer, too.”

Warmth fills my chest. I love how direct she is. How those dark brows dance up and down her forehead. How those bright, expressive eyes flash when she’s passionate about something. Hector is right. She is a powerhouse.

“I’m sorry if I treat you like a kid. I promise I don’t mean to do it. I know you’re a grown woman.”

It’s only when her gaze lowers that I realize that I’ve moved so close to her that my thigh is nearly touching hers. I jerk back. “Well…” I scratch the back of my head. “The computer fans have stopped roaring, which is a good sign. Let me know if it gives you any more trouble.”

“I will,” she says, her voice raspy.

I rush out of that room as if I’m on fire.

God help me. I know she’s a grown woman, but I don’t want to see her that way.

I want this desire for her to go away.