19.2 - the ghosts of saint christina ruins

"Jesus Christ, Quinn, where the hell have you been?" Celeste had long saved herself in the comfort of her tent, her clipboard and worksheet safely tucked away, somehow fully dry.

Quinn's, on the other hand, was practically falling apart, completely soaked, the ink of his pen running down the paper. Not that he had cared too much about his stupid fucking worksheet, though.

"Hoffmann collected most of us when it started raining that hard but we had no idea where you and Dev-"

"Am I that much of a bad person?"

"What now?"

"Am I that horrible?" Quinn pulled his shoes off, dripping in mud, letting them fall into the corner of the tent, then threw his soaked jacket on top of them, and landed on the deflated air mattress with a thump. "That someone would think my only goal in life is to make fun of people?"

"Someone?" Celeste raised her eyebrows. "Did you annoy Dev again?"

"I didn't annoy him, I-" Quinn inhaled, now anger bubbled up in his chest. "I didn't mean to- He just didn't listen! He wouldn't let me explain, and I just, I- This is so fucking unnecessary, he just ran away, he didn't even give me a chance."

"Quinn. What the fuck happened."

"Don't ask me! He just got it all wrong! He has a completely wrong, stupid picture of me, he got it all wrong, I didn't want to hurt him or make fun of him or-" Quinn exhaled, fell back and rubbed his face. "I fucked it up."

Celeste opened her mouth in an attempt to say something, then closed it again with a sad nod.

The inside of the tent fell quiet, raindrops knocking in its walls and roof, a sound so much more gentle than that heavy downpour outside hitting wet ground. Somewhere outside, someone walked through the mud, and the zipper of a tent opened in the distance, followed by faint voices. Quinn hoped that it was Dev who'd come back safely.

Quinn had always loved camping in the rain. And he'd honestly craved the calming soundscape, it didn't sound too different from the greenhouse during the rain, just a little more... cozy. Everything around him had a purple tint to it, a hue of dusk, or perhaps the colour of LED lights in the basement of a party. Something that should've meant safety and familiarity.

Nothing inside of Quinn felt familiar. The guilt didn't, neither did the anger. And least of all, a lingering want to grab Dev's arm again, to wrap his fingers around Dev's cold skin and hold him in place just a little longer to keep him from-

Falling? Hurting? Running? To keep him there. To make him stay and listen and talk and smile.

The gravity inside of Quinn's chest increased. Steadily, heavily, it pressed against his ribcage. God, fuck. Quinn hated Dev so much for this. Quinn hated himself more, though.

"Why don't you just go and talk to him?" Celeste asked after a while. She had made herself more comfortable on her air mattress, cuddled into a sleeping bag with a book in hand. She didn't look up when she spoke to Quinn.

"What am I supposed to say? Or do?"

"maybe I could help you figure that out if I knew what happened."

"Nothing," Quinn answered, "and everything. I don't know. He just got upset at me."

"Which usually isn't a problem for you."

"I know. But it is now."

"So why is he upset?"

"Because I- He just completely overreacted."

"What did you do to upset him, Quinn?"

"I made him think-"

"No, Quinn." The rain had begun to subside and Celeste's voice was clearer now. "You. What was the action that you did that hurt him?"

"I just listened in on a phone call. On accident. I didn't mean to listen." That wasn't the only thing he'd done, but Quinn hadn't quite figured out what the rest was. "I know it was personal, but- I didn't mean to. I didn't know what else to do! It wasn't on purpose, but he just didn't listen, he ran away, he didn't wanna hear what I had to say, he was so set on what he thought I am." Quinn exhaled.

Celeste stayed quiet, and only when Quinn looked over to her did he see her face deep in thought, brows furrowed, lips pressed together.

"So? Are you gonna offer me any help now?"

"To be honest, I don't know what to say about that. Like there's too much context missing."

"The context," Quinn groaned, "is that I hate him and I don't want to hurt him and that I'm hurting myself by not hating him enough!"

"What?"

"It's a boy thing. You wouldn't get it!"

Quinn crossed his arms, closed his eyes. His face hurt. Everything hurt. He wanted to rip his heart out of his chest and make all of this stop. Everything was too much. All of it. Nothing made any goddamn sense. This is why Quinn fucking hated that emotion bullshit.

He didn't have time to lament his inner turmoil, when steps approached the tent, stopping just outside the entrance.

"Is Quinn here?" someone called from the outside.

"Yeah?"

"Ah, good, you're safe. Would you mind coming out for a bit? I'd like to talk to you, if possible."

Quinn looked at Celeste as though he needed permission, she nodded towards the tent's opening, mouthed 'go'. Quinn sighed, put his muddy shoes back on, and slipped outside.

Mister Hoffmann had folded his hands behind his back and silently walked past the other students' tents, only cleaning his throat when he and Quinn had reached the foot of the hill, with enough distance to the camping grounds to be out of earshot of any potential spy.

Though it'd gotten dark, the sky had almost cleared up, only a few grey clouds floating past the starry firmament and blocking the near perfect view.

"Quinn," he began, something solemn in his voice. "Before I say anything else, I want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need something. I know navigating this school isn't easy, but I am always willing to lend you an ear. And what you tell me will stay with me, and me alone."

Quinn just nodded. Where the fuck was this going?

"I vaguely heard what happened. Well, I heard that your group split up, and that you apparently had some problems with Dev. I'm obligated to scold you for splitting up, since the rules specifically asked you to always stay in pairs at minimum. So, this is me scolding you. That could've gotten very dangerous. But I am much more obligated to ask you if you're okay."

Quinn pressed his lips together. The answer was easy, wasn't it? A simple 'no' would've been enough. But Quinn was actually, surprisingly, extremely bad at saying that very simple word in this very simple context.

"I understand if you don't want to talk to me about something personal."

"I feel like there's something really weird happening to me." This, alone, was weird as well. That he spoke now, to a teacher at that. About this black hole behind his ribs where his lungs and his heart should've been. Mister Hoffmann hummed. "And I think I really fucked something up."

"I see. How so?"

"I... argued with Dev, and I usually argue a lot with him, and that doesn't usually make me feel as bad, because I honestly don't really like him, but now it did make me feel bad. Very, very bad. And very, very weird. And I don't know who exactly I'm upset at. Me or him."

The teacher hummed again, and he began pacing back and forth as though to help his thoughts move into the right direction. A habit Quinn himself was familiar with.

"Why do you usually argue with him a lot?"

"Because he's-" Annoying and stuck up, is what Quinn would've said. He couldn't, though, mysteriously. "We're just too different. I'm not serious enough and he can't take any jokes. I'm silly and he hates fun. He just wants... everything to be proper and by the rules and I just wanna do what feels right to me."

"You sound like someone I know, Quinn."

"Is that good or bad?"

"I'm not sure." Mister Hoffmann let out a chuckle, rubbing his chin as he thought. "But continue. You said it made you feel bad now? What is the reason for that?"

"I don't fucking know, to be honest? I don't know. This is different. Usually I- it sounds bad but it's kinda fun to be annoying. Like, when people get annoyed by me, it kind of feels like a good thing. Like, I am me, and they can't handle that. It's like I'm shaking someone's world a little, I'm bringing in chaos. But it wasn't like that now. I don't want him to be mad at me. I don't want him to think of me as the bad person he just decided I was. Not anymore."

"Quinn, let me tell you a story." That was usually a bad start, when an adult wanted to tell a story. Darius Hoffmann, however, seemed like the kind of guy who had good stories to tell. "When I was younger, you know, early twenties, I started studying to become a teacher, very bright eyed, very loud, a bit of a troublemaker sometimes, I think a little bit like you. I was very... proud. Of who I was and how far I made it and how hard I worked. You know, starting from the bottom and then fighting my way into this fancy university, studying to become a history teacher. And I was pretty self-righteous."

"That's really hard to imagine, honestly."

"But it's true! I was horribly annoying. But I also thought that I had a right to be annoying about my accomplishments and who I was and what I did. And to be fair, I had a right to be proud, and to brag. And I even had a right to feel a little bit of a superiority complex. A lot of the students around me got this far because they had influential parents, or because they had a lot of money, whereas I got to this point with nothing but five pounds and a lifelong special interest in history."

Oh god. They were kind of similar. How utterly horrifying.

"So, I met this guy, Kerem, and he was... insufferable." That's how all the good stories started. "He was this super smart guy and his mother was this super good successful math teacher and we just didn't mesh well at all. We argued all the time, he just always pretended like he was so much better than me. He was always grumpy and had these really high expectations for everyone around him. So, you know, I always played around with him a little, I'd annoy him all the time, I always thought it was fun."

"Where is this going, Mister Hoffmann?"

"It's relevant to the conversation, trust me. So me and Kerem always had these little fights and squabbles, and I thought he was a, excuse my language, stuck up, privileged asshole that just didn't know what it was like to be in my shoes. And one time, during an argument, I ended up saying something really hurtful to him. To me, it wasn't that bad, but that thing really hurt him. And even though I hated that guy, or at least I thought I hated him, I felt really bad. Of course I felt bad. Hurting someone feels bad."

Quinn pressed his lips together, looked up into the sky, stars twinkling at him. A beautiful view. No time to enjoy it. Not the right mood. Of course hurting someone feels bad. Of course. Nothing new, nothing revolutionary. Nothing helpful to Quinn.

"That's when I found out that he really struggled as well. There was a lot of pressure on him from his mother. There was a lot of stuff going on in his life. And I ended up understanding that he was very similar to me as well. He was proud of how far he had come, he was proud that he could meet the standard someone had set for him. He thought I had it easy, because I didn't have to deal with the same expectations as he did. And I thought he had it easy because he had someone influential to support him."

"What lesson am I learning right now?" Well, Quinn knew what he was supposed to learn. That being an asshole is bad because you never know what someone else is going through. But Quinn wanted something else. Something to feel good. Something to clear out the heaviness in his chest.

"You don't enjoy actually arguing with Dev. You don't actually dislike Dev. That's why it hurts to hurt him."

"Okay..." Quinn buried his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, the fabric feeling cold and moist. "Yeah. Sure, I guess."

"There's a difference between being silly and being hurtful. Sometimes you just hurt people by accident, it happens, but then you need to be able to communicate and sort it out."

"But he just ran away from me! Like, yeah, I didn't mean to, but he just decided that he was right about me being a bad person! And maybe I am, but-"

"He decided to see you as a bad person. And didn't you do the same? Didn't you judge him either? Like I decided that Kerem was an asshole, and he decided that I was an asshole."

"I feel like everyone's trying to tell me the same thing." Quinn kicked a pebble away from his feet, exhaling. And everyone was right. And Quinn was wrong. And he just didn't know what to do about that.

"So?"

"So what? What do I do now? I feel like shit, Mister Hoffman, I feel like shit and I feel confused and weird and it's all just very shitty and stupid and bad. I messed it all up, except I don't really know what exactly I messed up. Because Dev doesn't want to listen to me. Because I never listen to him either. I'm just in a constant state of confusion!"

Mister Hoffmann nodded, his eyes sad and guilty and aware of the fact that he couldn't do shit to help Quinn because the opportunity to help him had long been gone. It was too late to learn and figure out how the fuck to feel things. Too late to stop being the judgy little bitch that Quinn had so very clearly become despite denying it to himself every damn time he started to feel guilty for it.

It was a point of no return. Never in his life would Quinn be able to-

"Perhaps you can start by apologising." Oh god. "Not now, but soon. And once you've done that, both of you can figure out the rest. The whole judging and arguing thing, you know."

Quinn blinked, slowly, pressed his lips together.

"Hm," he made. Then: "Is it really that easy?"

"It might." Mister Hoffmann shrugged, now smiled. "It's worth a shot, at least."

Quinn decided that thinking about this, about anything, especially about Dev and saying sorry and feeling bad and feeling angry and feeling confused was not going to help him tonight, and probably not tomorrow either, so he just sighed and turned his head off. As best as possible.

"I guess. Okay."

Silence.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?" Mister Hoffmann asked.

"Did you ever make up with the Kerem guy?"

"Kind of, I guess." Mister Hoffmann shrugged, throwing his arms up, a big grin on his lips. "We're getting married in spring."

"Oh!"

Mister Hoffmann laughed, then he sighed, looking up into the sky. This man was a box full of surprises. Probably the reason he was by far the coolest teacher of Oakwell. But that alone just made him not fit in. Like Quinn. Exactly like Quinn.

"Now then, I'll let you go. Don't let this whole situation eat you up. Go reach out to Dev when you feel ready and apologise, yes? You're not a bad person for hurting him."

Quinn sighed. As if he was ever going to feel ready to apologise out of all things. The one thing he was so god awful at.

"Yeah... I guess I'll have to?" He looked over toward the camping grounds, occasional flashes of light dancing along the colourful tent walls. "Thanks, I think. I mean... Thank you, sir."

"No problem, Quinn. Let me know if you'd like to talk about something?"

Never, Quinn though, he never liked talking about something. But-

"Do you have, like... office hours or something? Just in case."

"I'm in my office until five every day, usually. Well, I'll head off now, it's getting cold. Don't stay up too long."

Quinn nodded, lifted his hand in a rather weak wave, and watched Mister Hoffmann scuttle away through the mud. Quinn exhaled. Thoughts were doing something in his head, emotions were doing something else in his chest, and Quinn's eyes were tired and his hands were cold.

He looked up into the sky, then looked up the hill. Darkness engulfed the ruins now, but a slight movement of something was still barely visible, along with the hum of the wind. It did sound a little like singing, from down here. Quinn couldn't blame visitors for mistaking that for exorcism nuns.

He waited until Mister Hoffmann had disappeared fully into the dark, then he decided to walk up the hill, just a little bit, just to take in the view a little better. Just to take a little breather. Just in case the ghosts wanted to feed on his aching heart.

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WC: 2984

full chapter WC: 9365

okay, NOW we're done. oh god man i dont even know what to say about this anymore. i dont know man. i'm just. uuuh. uhmmm. yea. like and subscribe.

quinn is struggling as you can see. he's not good at having emotions and he doesn't like being given advice that doesn't stroke his ego. oh well. apology video with tears and snot coming soon ig

ALSO THANK YOU FOR READING!!!! WOW!!!!! YOU MADE IT THROUGH THE UNREASONABLY BIG CHAPTER!!! GOOD JOB!!!!!! YIPPIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!