16 - it's your birthday and suddenly everyone wants to be honest

"Happy Birthday, nerd." Ciel pushed a piece of cheesecake with a lighter jammed into it over to Quinn when he came back from the food serving counter and sat down next to him, a forcibly relaxed and unbothered expression on his face.

"Oh- Oh!" Quinn blinked, looking at the piece of cake, then at Ciel, then back at the cake. I looked perfect, fluffy, juicy, a rich creamy yellow, almost fake. "You remembered my birthday?"

"I mean, vaguely, I think you mentioned it weeks ago, once. You just went the whole day without letting me know. Anyways. I didn't have a candle." Ciel pulled the lighter out of the cake, stuffing it back into his pocket before pushing the plate even closer to Quinn. "I don't know if they even allow these here."

Ciel had apologized — well, attempted to apologise, if Quinn would've let him — a week ago, and since then, he'd talked more to Quinn than in all prior six weeks combined. Like something had kicked it off, like Ciel suddenly realised that Quinn was kind of okay after all.

And every now and then, during the evenings, he'd opened his mouth, inhaled deeply, then pressed his lips together again, just squeezing out a 'never mind', if anything at all. Something was on his chest, and he seemed to have no idea how to let that out.

Not that Quinn really needed to know. He did want to know though.

Ciel now poked the cake with his own fork, stealing a small bit. "I know it's supposed to be yours, but it looks really good and it was the last piece left. Treasure it, please."

If Oakwell did one thing well, it was the food they served, especially the dessert- at least it always looked good, Quinn never really got any dessert for himself. A habit from public school, always picking the smallest meals to save money. That wasn't a problem here. It was all paid for. So what else had been keeping Quinn from grabbing a slice of cake every now and then?

He sighed, watching Ciel shove the tiny creamy piece he'd stolen into his mouth with a pleased nod, and gave in, trying it as well. It did, unsurprisingly, taste as good as it looked.

"So, seventeen. Worst age, according to older siblings." Ciel had something unusually calm in his eyes, something friendly and relaxed that Quinn wasn't used to seeing in him. "How does it feel?"

"What's it supposed to feel like? I don't feel anything. Yet. Aside from my bones hurting, but they always hurt."

"Quinn, I don't think your bones are supposed to hurt at age seventeen."

"How are you supposed to know, you're sixteen."

Which was weird, Ciel wasn't supposed to be older than Quinn. He was more wise and smart and calm and had his shit together, had the vibes of someone twenty years older and not two months younger. But maybe shit would only go down once Ciel turned seventeen as well. For Quinn, personally, the shit had gone down since he was thirteen.

"I haven't called my sister today," Quinn murmured, more to himself than to Ciel. They hadn't texted a lot, him and Grace. Unusual, to not talk to her every day, to not hear her music blasting from her room, to not sit with her during lunch and talk shit about teachers.

She was seventeen too, now. And her life had stopped at thirteen as well, just as Quinn's did.

"You're twins, right?" Ciel stole another piece of Quinn's birthday cake slice. "And you haven't congratulated her yet?"

"Well, I have twenty minutes before I have to head off to my stupid tutoring, I'll call her then."

"Quinn, it's dinner time already and you haven't called your sister yet? On her birthday?"

"It's my birthday as well, you know. She hasn't called either. Goes both ways."

"Eat your damn cake and call your sister, Quinn." Ciel stole one more bite, then got up to leave. "See you after your tutoring."

Usually, Quinn was the one to finish dinner first, shoving down the food like his life depended on it, as though someone was going to take it from him if he didn't finish it fast enough. Ciel didn't have dinner today. Aside from about half a slice of cake.

Quinn sighed, and finished his cake as slowly as he could.

The chat log between Quinn and Grace looked unusually empty. 'how's oakwell?' texts answered with 'bad, i'll tell you in a call these days', followed by no calls. Pictures of Grace and James, pictures of Quinn and cats, half baked conversations far from lively.

He just didn't have the time, is what Quinn told himself. Didn't remember to text her. Didn't have the brain capacity to start a conversation with her. She was his sister, he loved her more than anything, and yet talking to her was so fucking hard if she wasn't right there in front of him.

He sighed, sat down on a bench in the empty courtyard, then finally called her. It didn't take long for Grace to pick up.

"Happy birthday, nerd," it blared through the speaker. He'd heard that before today.

"No, you." Quinn couldn't fight the smile on his lips, leaning back. "Happy birthday, Gracie. How's life?"

"Same as always. Just a bit more quiet." The familiarity of her voice almost burned something inside of Quinn's chest. "Been a while since we talked. Nothing to update me on, or...?"

"Ah, well, technically- It's just... I don't know. Didn't really have the time to talk, I guess? You know."

"Busy being a nerd, got it." Grace knowingly hummed, and Quinn knew that she was grinning. "Happy birthday from James too, by the way. He's getting pizza right now, so if you wanna talk to him, you'll have to call later."

"I don't wanna talk to him, thank you."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. So? How's your life? Got any gossip? Has someone been murdered yet?" She shifted on the other side of the line, probably into a more comfortable position. That exact pose girls always did in teen movies when calling their friends to talk shit about someone, on their stomach, feet swinging, twisting a lock of hair. Quinn knew exactly what Grace looked like right now.

"No murder yet. Though, I might become a victim some time soon. I'm, uh, not the most popular person here, as you might expect."

"Ooh, yeah, yeah. Your roommate and the tutor guy, eh?"

"Right-" Last time they'd called was just after Quinn and Dev's first week of tutoring. Different times, many things had changed, such as Ciel now being nice, and Dev now being even more frustrated each session. "Funny thing, I'm actually pretty okay with my roommate now? I think he had a change of heart."

"Maybe he's in love with you."

"Sure. Incredibly high possibility." Quinn cleared his throat. "I think my teachers also hate me now, actually. My physics teacher is- well, not very nice. Uhm. And my tutor guy still can't stand me but I can't stand him either, so I'll let you know if anyone is plotting to kill me."

"Not making any friends then?"

"Well, Ciel, I guess, and like, a couple of cats?"

"And the guy you told me about? The art guy?"

"Nico?" Quinn scoffed, squinted as he tried to think of the last time he'd talked to him at all. Or, well, had gotten an answer. "I don't know, I don't meet him a lot. He showed me a painting of him once and it was kind of weird, and that's kind of it as far as conversation goes, but I say hi to him sometimes. He doesn't really say hi back though, but I assume he doesn't really hear me because he's usually talking to his mates so maybe he just-" Quinn's voice got quieter with every word, eventually disappearing into a mumble. "Yeah. I don't think that was meant to be."

"Asshole."

"That's a bit unfair-"

"You just think it's unfair because you find him hot. Because when hot people treat you like shit it's suddenly okay."

"Come on now. How did he treat me like shit, Grace? He was always nice to me, we just don't really talk anymore, even though I'd like to. But he has different hobbies, you know"

A frustrated sigh echoed from the other side of the phone, like she got something that Quinn would never ever get, and maybe that was true, but it wasn't like Grace, or anyone really, tried to help him get it.

"Don't act like that, it's not like I'm a helpless little-"

"How's tutoring going?" Grace interrupted him. Quinn sighed, pulled his legs up onto the bench.

"We're not really doing anything helpful and the tutor is still a huge annoying judgy asshole, so. Sucks."

"Is he?" Grace's voice could turn so awfully toxic whenever she knew that she was about to say something objectively correct. This time, though, she wasn't correct for once. "Does he happen to also not be attractive, that huge annoying asshole?"

"No, he's very gorgeous, upsettingly so. Your theory of pretty privilege is not applicable here and therefore not sound." It may have been impossible to see Grace through the phone, and yet Quinn was about 99% sure that she rolled her eyes now. "I have another stupid lesson with him in a bit and he's just gonna teach me stupid things and say stupid things and look at me like I'm stupid."

"Sounds fun."

"It's not and I hate him."

"Do you? Because I know you, and sometimes people rightfully-"

"Grace, no, don't go there. You'd hate him too if you met him. He's horribly stuck up and, like- stares at me in this weird homophobic way? I don't know, I can't explain it, but if you saw this guy, you'd get it."

"You're insane," Grace sighed, "but sure. Guess you'll have to introduce him to me when we come to Oakwell."

"Wait." Quinn now sat up straight. "When are you coming to- Wait, what?"

"You guys are doing this dinner event thingie in December? We got the invitation letter like a week ago, we're coming to visit."

"Was nobody going to tell me that? What? When? Like when when?"

"I mean, I'm sure you were told about this at some point, but you probably didn't- Whatever. December 13th, James and I are coming. I can send you the invitation-" A rumble from the other side of the line. "Oh. Sorry, that's James with the pizza. I'll call you another time?"

"Uh, right. Enjoy your pizza."

"Oh, I will. Have a fun birthday with your pretty asshole tutor then! Love you!"

"Love you too-"

Grace hung up. God, why was nobody ever telling him about all these very obviously important details? Or, why was nobody telling him many times to make sure he really listened as well?

Quinn arrived at his usual spot in the library about four minutes late. Dev, surprisingly, didn't look like he was about to kill Quinn for it though. In fact, he only looked mildly annoyed.

"Four-"

"Yes, four minutes late, I know." Quinn let himself fall on the chair opposite of Dev, making it creak dangerously. "Can't help it, I had to call my sister. It's our birthday."

"Our?"

"Twins happen to share the same birthday, sometimes."

"I know th-" Dev sighed, did this weird half nod, half head shaking thing, that frustration thing, before looking Quinn in the eyes, like really in the eyes, not in the intimidating mean way. "Well, happy birthday, Quinton."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Anyway." Dev put his hands on top of his stupid little folder. Well, would've been too nice to dwell some more on Quinn's birthday or any other things that would've been more fun to discuss than tutoring.

"Do I get to draw shapes again?"

"Well-" Something horribly bitter washed over Dev's face now, a delicious amount of frustration that wasn't even directed at Quinn himself. "I think- I've tried to follow the requests and wishes of Mister Osborne following a more structured curriculum with you. As you know, that just isn't really working the way all of us would've liked."

As quickly as that short, earnest time of eye contact had appeared, as quickly had it gone away, and Dev's eyes were fixed on the table instead, avoiding looking at Quinn completely.

James loved to do that whenever he knew he was in the wrong but didn't want to admit it. And before James had done it, their father had. Looking away, eyes dancing through the room as they carefully laid out a million words, none of which were 'I'm sorry' or 'you're right'.

"I should've approached all of this differently." This was close, though. "Your lack of dedication is going to make it impossible for me to fix anything about your handwriting or your posture or your horribly annoying attitude." Nevermind, asshole. "As we've... established a while ago, I'm not going to be able to fix you. You don't need fixing, though." Well, no, technically he did. "Maybe you just need guidance."

"I don't like the way you're talking, to be honest. It's kind of like-"

"Before you put words in my mouth-" Something weird happened to Dev's face. It wasn't a smile, far from it, nor was it a calm or even friendly expression, but- "I'm not insinuating that you're stupid, because you're obviously not. You have conditions that make it harder to adapt to certain expectations and structures. There are ways to accommodate you, but some more narrow minded people may see this as stupidity when it's simply a lack of consideration on their part."

"You don't need to explain to me what my ADHD does to me, you know. I've had this for a while."

"I was just looking to reassure you, since this 'stupid' thing seems to be an insecurity of yours-"

"It's not an insecurity, I'm not insecure-"

"Regardless," Dev continued, opening his folder. "I decided to scratch the plan I made. I looked into some study methods for students with ADHD in the past weeks and figured we could use these tutoring lessons as distraction free study or homework sessions, perhaps it could help you bring a routine into your studying while having someone to ask for help."

As if Dev's mere existence wasn't a distraction already.

"This sucks. Stop being nice to me."

"Oh, Quinton." There. A smile, there it was, an actual smile. "This is just the bare minimum of trying to accommodate your disabilities. You know I'd rather be shot in the head than be nice to you."

"I'm not really disabled, though, am I." Not that Quinn considered himself to be. He didn't really count. That word was too heavy and Quinn's life was too easy.

"ADHD and Dyslexia are legally defined as a learning disability, but I guess I won't force a label on you." Dev was infuriatingly respectful today. Which was a crazy thing to think, considering all Quinn really wanted was for people to respect him and adapt to him.

But when Dev did it, it wasn't at all what Quinn wanted. And at this point he wasn't sure what he wanted from Dev, but it wasn't friendliness or respect or basic human decency.

"Okay," Quinn just said, shrugged and rolled his eyes and crossed his arms and did way too much in an attempt to look like he didn't care. "So what exactly is the plan here from now on? No more shapes? No more lists of things I'm bad at?"

"There hasn't been... anything new, or at least constructive, on the reports I received, so I don't think we need to go over that. You do your homework. I'll do mine. I read that it helps some people to have someone study alongside them to stay motivated or focused."

"I don't think having you around helps me be motivated in any way."

"It's worth a try. It'll certainly make these lessons less of a waste of time for me. If you excuse me, I'll start working on my math homework." And with that, Quinn apparently completely disappeared from Dev's world.

He silently pulled his homework out of his folder, a math worksheet that looked like something Quinn learned how to solve when he was like twelve, and ignored Quinn's existence. Which somehow also wasn't what Quinn wanted from him. Dev really couldn't win at this point.

Quinn watched him solve half a math problem, wrong at that, before clearing his throat, making Dev look up again.

"Okay. First of all, I'm still not really sure what I'm supposed to do now. And second, that's wrong."

"What's wrong? Oh." For a short second, Dev almost looked flustered as he erased the numbers on his worksheet. "Well, is there any homework you still have to work on? Any assignments you need to finish?"

"Well, yes, all of them basically."

"Anything with a high priority? Something that's due soon, or a deadline you've just missed?"

"All of them. Dev, I haven't really done any of my homework in weeks."

"Oh. Well. What subject is easiest for you, then? Maybe work on that first. So there's a sense of achievement. I read that-"

"Just because you read like one article on ADHD doesn't make you an expert on study methods now, so don't act so-" Something invisible roped itself around Quinn's head and held his mouth shut when Dev's face changed into something almost... hurt? "Physics," Quinn then said, catching himself. "I guess I'll do my physics homework then."

The very worst thing about that tutoring session was not Dev's uncomfortable 'respectfulness', or the silence that followed, but the fact that Quinn actually got his physics homework done. It felt like a loss, a point to Dev and his stupid plans working out in the end, his 'accommodation' actually accommodating Quinn.

Dev was right and Quinn was wrong and that shouldn't have happened on his birthday out of all days. What a stupid fucking scam. That sense of accomplishment that almost surfaced within Quinn was a scam too.

Quinn checked the time on his phone before putting his hand on the doorknob to his room, just to make sure he wasn't early and potentially cutting Ciel's alone time short. To his horror, however, it was quite the opposite. Had he spent fifteen minutes longer in that library with Dev than he had to?

He scoffed, then carefully and slowly pressed down the door handle, and was met with Ciel sitting on the bed, almost stiff, hands folded in his lap and eyes fixed onto the floor. They fluttered up towards Quinn, and his roommate forced a smile.

"Hi," he said, voice quiet, then: "How was tutoring?"

"Dev is weird," Quinn answered, a brow raised. "It's annoying. But that's not news, is it?" He closed the door behind him, let his stuff and finished homework fall onto his desk. "Are you okay?"

Ciel inhaled, seemed to hold his breath for a few seconds, staring holes into the floor once more. He attempted to chuckle, nodded, then shook his head, then both at the same time, a weird mix of head movements with no clear meaning.

"I," he started, then didn't continue. Something in Quinn's stomach inexplicably dropped.

"Is something wrong? You can, like... tell me, you know." Quinn sat down on his own bed, on the opposite side of the room, the space between the two seemed lightyears apart now.

They always did, though. Ciel always felt distant. He was around Quinn almost the entire damn day and yet he never seemed quite there. That distance was supposed to feel normal. It didn't, not right now.

"I think I have to tell you something." His voice was small and light and unstable. Something careful, cautious, almost scared. Something so unfamiliar.

"Oh," Quinn let out. "Okay. Go ahead."

"So. Uhm. I'm sorry for being... unkind to you when we first met. I just, it'd been very important for me to have my own room and I had fought for that for a very long time, and to have- someone else around me all the time, that really scared me?"

Scared. Ciel had never seemed to be the kind of person to even know that word. He'd been so steady, set on his orbit, and though sometimes sadness had gleamed through the cracks, a distant longing, he hadn't seemed scared of anything, ever.

"I really needed time to myself. To be myself. And I thought you were going to take that away. But- The thing is, Quinn, you're giving me this very strange feeling."

That was bad. Quinn didn't like making people feel things, aside from pure frustration and utter hatred.

"You're not a person I feel the need to hide around. Even though you're really annoying. Maybe it's because you're really annoying, though. So-" Ciel's body froze and his mind seemed to be racing, lips pressed together as he stared into the void, something behind his eyes changing. "I don't know how to say this. I've- never said it like this. Out loud."

Quinn shifted, his heart racing for no real reason other than the unfamiliar dread of seeing his roommate, stone cold and mysterious and charmingly smug at times, being torn apart by something invisible.

"Take your time," Quinn said, almost whispered, unsure if Ciel could even hear him, all these thousands of parsecs away. But Ciel did, finally looking up.

He inhaled. Held his breath.

"I'm a girl."

And she exhaled.

Something stood still. Turned. Then clicked.

"Oh," Quinn said, looking at his roommate and watching the panic in her eyes grow to an unbearable extent. "That's nice," he quickly added, then: "What's your name?"

Her tensed up shoulders dropped, hands that had been tied into fists relaxed, and her eyes shifted back to the floor.

"Celeste," she answered, an audible change in her voice. A small one. She still sounded like the person Quinn had thought her to be before, just a bit... lighter. More relaxed. At peace. She was still the person Quinn had thought her to be, after all. "It's a bit cliché, isn't it?"

"I like it." Quinn grinned, and Celeste's eyes shot back up to him for a second, an unusually honest smile tugging on the corners of her mouth as well.

"Yeah. I thought you might like it."

Silence fell upon the two, until Quinn cleared his throat. He should've said something too, confessed to something. Now was the time to be honest, for once in Quinn's life, to reveal something about himself.

"I'm gay," he said. That was his groundbreaking secret?

"Yeah, I figured."

"Oh. Huh." He cleared his throat. "Is it that obvious?"

"To me, it was, but-" Celeste chuckled, and finally her body snapped out of that paralysis when she pulled her legs onto the bed, making herself more comfortable. "Maybe I have an eye for that stuff. Or maybe everyone else here has some kind of gay blindness." She let out a sigh, one that's obviously been stuck in her chest for way too long. "This feels good. Better."

"Does anyone else know?" Quinn asked. "Aside from me? Because you said you've never said it out loud."

"My oldest sister knows. I wrote it to her in a letter when I figured it out like three years ago or something. She's the only one in my family though. She's... been sending me a lot of stuff, little things that make me feel more feminine even if I can't use it. Make-up, jewelry, books. She sent me a dress recently."

"And when I came along to be your roommate, you couldn't even enjoy all that stuff she sent you?"

"Yeah. It's cliché, I know, putting on dresses when I'm alone, trying out make-up and taking it off before you come back, but when I'm alone in this room, it's the only time I don't have to be a boy, you know." She sighed again, a small smile appearing on her lips. "But you ended up feeling... safe. I didn't have to pretend around you after all."

"So your sister knows, but nobody else from your family?"

Celeste shook her head. "Nope. I mean, my parents would be accepting, I know that. But I feel like coming out would just make it harder for them? To learn a new name and pronouns and all that, to defend me at church and in front of their acquaintances, and then knowing that their daughter is stuck at an all boys school... It'd just be easier to stay closeted, I think."

"Easier?" Quinn perked up now. The closet had never been easy for him. Keeping his relationships secret and feeling nothing but fear and shame and confusion had never ever been easier than being as loud about it as he could. "You're pretending to be someone you're not every day, that's not easy, Celeste!"

"It is, though. It's easier than telling them and having to do all this work to regain the respect I already have as Ciel. They wouldn't want me to suffer through this school for another two years, but that doesn't matter because I need to go through all of this. I need to graduate here. I need to take all the opportunities I can get because I wouldn't get them as a girl. And I already get less than the white kids anyway."

Quinn blinked, inhaled so say something, to share a thought, until he realised that he very much didn't have another thought, except: "Oh. Well. I hadn't- thought about that." Because he hadn't.

Quinn had, in fact, never thought about that. All he ever had thought about was how miserable he was when he realised that he liked boys, and how his family told him that it was fine and they loved him and being gay didn't change that. It had always been so much easier to fake pride than to be eaten alive by his feelings like moths feasting on an old cloth.

It'd been so much easier for him to be out and loud and obnoxious about who he was. It'd been easier to be harassed and hated for who he was than to hate himself silently for something he was scared of being. Celeste didn't hate herself, though. She loved herself enough to allow herself to suffer through Oakwell if it meant a better future for herself.

"I wouldn't have expected you to think about it," Celeste sighed. "But, yeah. Two more years, and I'll be out of here. And then, maybe I'll tell them. Or not. Maybe they'll eventually figure it out themselves."

She closed her eyes for a second, looked a little hesitant.

"Felix knows as well," she then said. "They mixed up some letters and he accidentally read one my sister sent me last year." She still smiled. A good sign. "That's how we became kind-of-friends, I guess. He knows the big secret so I had to stick with him. I'm glad it was him that got the letter, and not someone like Zach Klein."

Celeste looked towards the floor, then at Quinn, and she pressed her lips together, her eyes becoming glassy now.

"And I'm glad it's you that moved in here."

"Ah- Oh," Quinn said. "Celeste? Can I give you a hug?"

She nodded, eyes averted when they filled with something that could've perhaps been tears. Quinn got up from his own bed to fall onto Celeste's, and wrapped his arms around her. He'd always imagined her to feel cold. But he'd been wrong about a lot of things.

☆-☆-☆-☆

WC: 4627

AAAAHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEEEKKKKK YAAAAAAAAAAY YIPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oh my god im so glad this chapter is finally out. my girl is FREE she's fucking FREEEEE!!!!!!

okay alright, i don't think this needs to be said, knowing my audience, but i will say it anyway. please in future chapters, refer to celeste by her correct name and pronouns only. from this chapter on, if i see anyone using her birth name or he/him pronouns, the comment will be deleted. again, i know my core audience (my besties), and i know you guys are not going to cause any trouble, but who knows, maybe one day someone will stumble onto this story and somehow make it 16 chapters into a story written by a transgender author and then be surprised that there is a transgender character. but like. that's on you then!

also, other characters will be using the wrong name and pronouns in future chapters because they simply don't know or are protecting her identity. there will not be any transphobia towards her in this story.

okay now that the ~ star ~ of the show is talked about, i do have to just. yell. about how much im loving the direction quinn and dev will go. like the coming couple of chapters are making me feel insane. god arE YOU GUYS GAY???????????????

anyways, thats a long authors note, whoops. and a slightly long(er) chapter as well, so if you made it through, thank you so much! if you enjoyed the ride, do leave a vote and a comment with your thoughts! mmmwwah thank you so muhc for your support!