Chapter 22: A New Awakening

"Astrid?" Deman spoke, knocking on the door of her chamber. "I would like to talk with you."

Astrid glanced up from the small piece of linen that she had been embroidering and looked at the door hesitantly with a nervous pit building at the bottom of her stomach. She made her way toward the door, creaking it open slightly. Deman stood poised wearing an black tunic accessorized with silver accents.

"Yes?" Astrid asked, raising her brow.

Deman cleared his throat and placed his hand upon his stomach.

"I fear that you are angered with me since I placed you as a leader of the court." Deman began, melting into a saddened expression. "I am dearly sorry about anything that I have done to wrong you." He reached his hand outward. "Please forgive me."

Astrid stared at him confused and shook her head.

"Why do you feel that I am angered?" She asked, putting her hand in Deman's.

"you have not came out of your chamber for eight days."

Astrid smiled, dropping her hands to her sides. "I am not angry. I just want to be alone." She cocked her head to the side and averted her eyes from Deman's sincere gaze. "So much has happened to me and I am still trying to clear my mind from it all. It is nothing against you, I promise. I-I," she looked back at Deman. "Am only thinking."

Deman nodded in agreement. "Think all you like, Astrid." He turned away from her. "If you need anything just call for me."

Astrid watched him as he started to walk away. "Deman."

He quickly turned with concern. "Yes?"

"Would you stay and talk with me?" Astrid asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "That is if you are not busy and do not mind."

Deman nodded with a smile as he walked into the room.

"Forgive me but I will not be able to stay very long." Deman spoke gently, walking to the bed where he sat down on the corner. "What is it that you want to say?"

Astrid opened her mouth to speak and looked around at the objects of the room.

"Why have you treated me so nicely?" Arid asked, looking out of the bright window. "You were not entitled to do anything for me?"

Deman laughed slightly as he looked down at his lap. "Because you were in need." he stated, arose and walked towards Astrid. "And we as Christians must help our fellow neighbors." Deman's green eyes melted with sincerity. "I do not wish to ask you questions that you do not want to answer but I find the need to know if you are a Christian."

Astrid glanced up hesitantly. She stared into his dim green eyes, thinking.

"I do not confess any religion." Astrid bluntly replied, looking back down at her hands that were placed upon the cool window sill. "I have been away from God so long that I do not know if he is there."

"Then are you a pagan?"

Astrid shook her head. "I am nothing but a shell." She mumbled, wringing her hands together. "I do not even have a heart left."

The sound of silence fell over the room. Astrid felt her heart sink each time Deman looked at her with his tender smile.

"I cannot make you believe in anything." Deman said, braking the silence. "But there is place I would like to show you."

Astrid returned a smile to Deman before facing the window once again.

"I would love to go with you but," Astrid paused, looking over at Deman who was listening intently.

"But what?" He asked, raising a brow.

"I should not even be here!" Astrid cried out. Hot tears began to flow from her eyes. "God has left me in many situations and never came back for me. I thought he would never leave or forsake me, but I was wrong!" She quickly caught her breath and looked back through the window. "I cried out everyday with no reply. I could not feel his presence anymore." Astrid wiped away the tears from her face and pushed back loose strands of her hair. "I do not feel anything anymore."

Deman took Astrid by the hand, entwining his thin, rough fingers with hers.

"I think you can feel. I think you feel so much that you ache with the pain." Deman spoke softly, leaning his forehead against her's. "But that is alright to feel. That proves that you are human."

Astrid forced a fake smile on her face. "But I afraid."

"That is normal." Deman reassured Astrid, caressing his thumb along the back of her hand. "Everything will be alright."

Astrid nodded and shut her eyes. "I fear myself more than anything. I know what man can do to me because I have had everything imaginable done and I am not afraid of that anymore." She opened her eyes and turned away from Deman. "I will never know what my mind will tell me to do. And when you are gone far enough from sanity, you will try anything that seems like a solution." Astrid paused as she roamed to the other side of the room."You can escape man," she stopped briefly. "but you can never escape your mind, and your mind is greatest enemy a person can face."

Deman stepped up behind Astrid and brushed her thick hair off her neck. He touched her skin lightly, causing a shiver to be sent down her spine.

"You do not have to fear yourself here." Deman whispered in her ear. "Come with me."

Deman stepped out in front of Astrid and entered the drafty hall. Astrid straightened the light green dress that swept the floor behind her and followed Deman, who walked in silence. They walked quietly through the halls, passing rooms one by one, until they reached a dimly lit stairwell.

"Just at the foot of the stairs is the priest if you would like to speak with him." Deman informed Astrid, stopping at the edge of the top step. "It is our place of worship if you would like to visit it."

Astrid looked uncertainly at the stairs then at Deman.

"I do not have anything to say to him." Astrid remarked turning to leave, but stopped suddenly to ponder Deman's words. "I suppose it would not hurt anyone if I go for a moment."

Deman smiled sincerely before going about his way leaving Astrid behind. She started hesitantly down the narrow spiral stairwell that was dimly lit with several candles along the way. Once at the bottom of the stairs, a man draped in a black and white robe was knelt at the stone altar praying before a crucifix that hung above it could be seen vaguely beyond the wide pillars of the room. She glanced back at the stairwell one last time before approaching the praying man quietly. Five small windows were in the room, putting out very minimal amounts of light, which made it hard for Astrid to find her way through the large empty room. The man abruptly arose, looking over his shoulder at Astrid, who hid behind the nearest stone pillar. She squinted her eyes to get a better view of the man, who appeared to be a familiar face.

"Heinrich?" Astrid whispered into the silence of the chapel.

The man looked around confused, scanning the entire room in search for the voice.

"Who is there?"

Astrid stepped out into a ray of light, beaming from a small window.

"It is I, Astrid." She stepped closer to the man excitedly. "Astrid Egger. You remember me don't you?"

The man lit up and ran towards Astrid, pulling her into a tight embrace.

"Why are you here, child?" Heinrich asked, pushing her away for a brief moment to look at her. "What happened to the gleaming light that was once in your bright brown eyes?"

"That left with everything else." Astrid stated, wrapping her arms back around Heinrich's neck. "How did you manage to get here from France?"

Heinrich laughed happily while squeezing Astrid tightly.

"The French did not like me so I was banished." He answered, releasing Astrid from the embrace. "I somehow managed to find my way here, where I have only been welcomed with open arms. How did you get here?"

"I escaped from the Northmen." Astrid cheerily stated with a smile on her face. "I was told Some men found me while I was unconscious on a boat." She hugged Heinrich once again. "You do not know how thankful I am to see you. You are all I have left of my home."

"What about Jezebel and the others?"

"Jezebel is one of them now. She married the Earl." Astrid replied, sitting down on a wooden bench nearby. "I do not know about the rest. Most of them were already dead when I left."

"There is no one left of home, Astrid." Heinrich stated, sitting down beside Astrid. "There is nothing left of home, either. It has been settled by the French."

Astrid stared at Heinrich with shock written along her face. She felt her heart rip more with the thought of her destroyed home.

"If you were thinking of returning, do not go back." Heinrich stated, staring back at Astrid with deep concern plastered on his wrinkled face. "You have more of chance of surviving here. What is there now is not worth risking your life for the journey."

Astrid ran her fingers along the many wrinkles that covered Heinrich's hands and shook her head.

"I have no place in this world." She whispered, fighting back tears that seemed to be all that came from her anymore. "I was once strong back when God helped me." Astrid averted her watery eyes away from Heinrich's gaze. "But God has forsaken me. He has left me here with nothing. Not even the will to live or the strength to carry on."

"Sometimes God places hardships on us so we will test our trust in him." Heinrich reassured, laying his hand on Astrid's knee. "We were never promised an easy road. But we are promised an endless love if you trust in him."

"How do you do that!?" Astrid argued, jumping up from her seat. "He killed my family! He sent me to a world of pagans! He killed my friends! He changed Jezebel and she was all I had! My father died before his time because of him! Men has raped me! I have been beaten!" Astrid spun around on her heel and pointed her finger aggressively at Heinrich. "And all that was because of God choosing to test me! I wish he had went ahead and killed me too!"

Heinrich stepped close to Astrid, laying a hand on her back. "Trust in the Lord God and he will answer you. He is there." He whispered in her ear, before stepping out of the room.

Astrid looked around in the silence of the empty room. She felt her heart beating quickly as she fell to her knees in tears. "God! Answer me please." She cried out, gasping for a breath. "Help me, O God. Help me take wing and fly away from this world. Take me to be with you and my family!" She hung her head and folded her hands tightly together. "Forgive me, for I have sinned. Forgive me, God. Fill me with your spirit and cleanse me once more.  Give me the strength to carry on and overcome the enemy."

Astrid let her hands fall to the floor and sat slumping in the center of the floor, with a bright ray of light shining in on her head. Her heart filled with a strong will as she pushed herself up from the cold ground, wiping away the moisture on her face. A smile crept upon her face as she felt a heavy burden lifted from her shoulders.

"I will fight." Astrid mumbled to herself. "And I will win."

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