27. SUBJECT: RE:

to: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

from: weston.maguire@baderu.com

subject: Re:

sent: April 17, 2017 at 10:02pm

Cassie,

I wasn't sure if you wanted a response to your last email, but I figured it's a lot better for you to ignore an email that exists than to wait for one I haven't written.

There's nothing I can say to make this better, is there?

I'm not in any position to argue, because what you wrote makes sense, in hindsight.

But hindsight is tricky, you know? When we study history, it's easy to be like "oh that was stupid" because we have the advantage of knowing the greater picture and the ongoing consequences. When Napoleon invaded Russia, he didn't know how fucking cold Russian winters were until he got there. He only realized how stupid it was, and how many people would die, when it was too late. I guess Germany tried to do the same thing during World War II, and so they should have known better. Not that I empathize with either of them. Fuck, this is really getting away from me. But you get what I mean, right?

I didn't know how shitty I was being until after you told me that I'd been shitty. I would never intentionally cause you pain.

Listen, I haven't ever been hurt the way that Doug hurt you, and I've never had to deal with recovering from something like that. You were right, I did act on my emotions. But to be fair, those are the only ones I can really act on.

You wouldn't talk to me after our date. I called, and I texted, and you were just gone. I didn't know what to do. And all I could think about was that party. I should have kept talking to you or should have made Doug leave when I did. It was killing me that I didn't stop him. I couldn't go back and undo it, so yeah, I did something stupid. But, it wasn't about proving myself, and it wasn't about trying to fix anything.

I wanted him to be sorry.

You're right, it wasn't my decision to make, and I shouldn't have gone after him. I knew it was reckless and poorly thought out, but fuck, I had to do something. It was too late for me to protect you, but I couldn't do nothing about it, and kicking the shit out of him just made sense at the time. I'm not saying I was right. I was wrong to do what I did, and I'm sorry. I'm just saying that I didn't know what I was doing until after it was done.

I haven't told anybody about how you're involved, if that's something you're worried about. Peter and Lena waited with me at the station until I got released, and the first thing they asked when we got in the car to go home was why I did it.

"Did he say something?" Lena asked.

"Doug is a really crappy guy. I mean, he's truly, utterly, crappy," Peter, who remembers Doug vividly, said. "I'm not surprised Wes snapped."

I shrugged. "It was a dumb thing to do. Did you call my mom?"

"Yeah, she said she'll call you in the morning. We didn't tell her everything, only that the police got called to break up a fight. We figured you could tell her more tomorrow," Lena said.

The next morning, I went to Lena's with Peter. My mom wants me to go to Edmonton as soon as possible, so my flight is tomorrow night, right after my last exam.

We sat around, eating pancakes and talking about the future. Lena is starting to date again, and she met a girl she likes on a dating app.

"She's short, like me, but she's on the varsity swim team. I'm still not ready for anything serious. I'm not over..." she glossed over Taylor's name. "You know. But it's good to be dating again. It's fun." She paused to sip her drink. "What about you, Peter? Are you still dating yourself?"

"Er, I don't know," he grumbled.

"Are you seeing someone?" Lena asked, surprised.

"Not exactly," he scratched his nose, trying to stall, "I just, I've been talking to a... a friend."

"Who?" I asked, interested. Peter didn't have many friends I didn't know.

"Well, ah fuck. I've been talking to Sky, okay? She's been really great, and I, uh, I like her," he said. "Don't hit me or anything over it." He was talking to me. "Nothing's happened. If you hit me, I'll hit back a lot harder than Doug."

"I'm not gonna hit you," I rolled my eyes. "This was bound to happen at some point."

"You're not mad?" he asked, surprised.

"Nah," I said. And I wasn't.

"Wow, jail really does change a guy," Peter said, and reached for another slice.

Lena smacked him in the arm. "He didn't go to jail! Don't say things like that. And why is this the first I'm hearing of you and Wes's sister? I didn't know you like Skylar." She thought about it. "Although it's about time, honestly. She's been into you since, what, high school?"

Fourth grade, actually, but I didn't correct her.

Peter smiled.

"Seriously, you should ask her out," she told him. "Officially."

He said he'd think about it, but what's to think about?

I can't believe I'll be on a plane by this time tomorrow. I'm only going for two weeks, just so I can see the city, do some drills and go over my stats with the coach.

It's a good thing, I think. If I stayed in Kingston I would probably end up knocking on your door at two in the morning reciting badly written poetry. The distance will make sure you get the space from me you deserve.

You were worried that me knowing about your past would change the way I see you. I don't know if it still matters, but you should know that it doesn't. I might be more emotional, or maybe more stupid than either of us would like me to be when it comes to these conversations, but I'm no less amazed by you than I was when you let me hold your hand.

You're so much better than I am, Cass. You're stronger, you're smarter, and you've survived a life that's been so fucking unfair to you. I know you're kind of cold and stubborn, but it doesn't change the fact that you're the most incredible person I've ever met.

I've always liked being the best at the things I do; it's part of the reason I'm nervous about taking hockey beyond Bader, and the reason I stopped working as hard as I should have in school. But you're so much greater than I could hope to be, and that doesn't scare me; it makes me want more. More time with you, sure, but more from me, too.

It was never about being the best when it came to us. It was mostly just me trying to be good enough for you. I know I let you down, and I'm sorry, but I'm going to keep trying.

Love,

Wes

. . .

Texts sent April 20, 2017 at 7:50pm:

Cassie Belford: Did you do it yet?

Simon Idzik: No. I told you it'll be closer to 8:30

Cassie Belford: I need the exact time. I want to watch the numbers change and think about how you weren't engaged at 8:29, but at 8:30 you are.

Simon Idzik: You're getting a little sentimental.

Cassie Belford: Shut up.

Simon Idzik: Seriously. Are you okay?

Cassie Belford: I'm fine, Si. Go talk to Sarah.

Simon Idzik: She went to the washroom.

Simon Idzik: I think you miss him.

Cassie Belford: Him?

Simon Idzik: Don't play stupid. You're better than that. Are you seriously still mad?

Cassie Belford: It isn't about being mad.

Simon Idzik: Why, though? He's clearly sorry. You're clearly over it.

Cassie Belford: It's too complicated. He wants things I don't have, I have things I still need to do... we wouldn't work.

Cassie Belford: I need to get my shit together.

Simon Idzik: I think that's unfair.

Cassie Belford: Whatever. Go ask Sarah to marry you.

Simon Idzik: Fine. Go tell Wes you forgive him, and that you love him.

Cassie Belford: You're so irritating.

Cassie Belford: Do you really think I'm capable of love?

Simon Idzik: You know I do.

. . .

Texts sent on April 26, 2017 at 2:32pm:

Lena Melnyk: Hey, I know you're really busy today, but I thought you should know that Doug is still in Kingston.

Weston Maguire: What?

Weston Maguire: He should have left by now. You're sure it's him?

Lena Melnyk: His face is still fucked up, but yeah, it's him. I saw him going into the library like two minutes ago.

Weston Maguire: Make sure the cops know. Officer Johnston was okay, I think Peter has her card. I'll call Simon.

Lena Melynk: Don't go doing anything stupid, Wes. Asshole or not, you could get in serious trouble if you break any of the rules they laid out for you.

Weston Maguire: Even if I wanted to, I'm too far away to do anything. I just don't like that he's on campus. Have you seen Cassie at all?

Lena Melnyk: No. But exams are practically over, she probably left Kingston already.

Weston Maguire: Maybe. Simon isn't answering his phone, but if he's in town, so is she.

Lena Melnyk: I can go by her place and check, if you want. I'm saying goodbye to my stats prof, then I'm meeting Peter. He and I can check if they're home. We'll tell them to keep an eye out for Doug.

Weston Maguire: Good. Give me a sec and I'll text you the address.

Lena Melnyk: I still have it from when I looked her up at student services.

Weston Maguire: Call me if you get a hold of them. I'll be back on the 2nd, but I want to know what's going on.

Lena Melnyk: Sure, no problem.

. . .

Texts sent on April 26, 2017 at 7:06pm:

Lena Melnyk: We left a bunch of voicemails.

Lena Melnyk: If you see this, call me.

. . .

Texts sent on April 26, 2017 at 7:07pm:

Peter Moore: Pick up your phone.

Peter Moore: Wes.

Peter Moore: It's important.

Peter Moore: Get out of whatever meeting or dinner you're at, this is urgent.

. . .

Texts sent on April 26, 2017 at 7:08pm:

Lena Melnyk: You need to come home, please call me back.