15. SUBJECT: RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD

to: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

from: weston.maguire@baderu.com

subject: Relationships are hard

sent: March 15, 2017 at 2:19pm

Hey Cassie,

I'll admit, it seems pretty crazy to me that a guy my age is getting ready to marry his girlfriend. It just seems so... I don't know, I think huge was the right word. It's overwhelming to even think about that big of a commitment.

It's a lot like the conversation Peter and I had yesterday morning on our way back from the gym. Peter asked me how things had been going with Mel since it'd been a while since our last date.

"I can't believe I still haven't met her," Peter said. He elbowed me in the side.

I shrugged. "It's not that serious. We're dating, we haven't even had the girlfriend conversation yet. I'll introduce you soon."

Peter laughed. "You're just worried she's going to leave you for me. Again." This was a reference to the fact that Peter stole my valentine in fifth grade. I liked a girl named Carolina Paz-Soldan, and so I made her a special valentine. I used glitter and everything. Carolina made a special card too, but she gave hers to Peter.

It's fine, I'm over it.

"I'm happy taking it slow with Mel," I told him.

"I don't know," Peter said. "I've seen you  excited, and in those cases, you wouldn't stop going on about whatever it was you were into."

"Like?"

"The Bourne movies. The Taco Stand. Some of the music Sky gives you. That YouTube video with the soldier coming home to his dog," he listed off quickly.

"Yeah, but those are things. Mel is a person. I like her plenty, I just don't want to move too fast."

Pete made a 'whatever' gesture. "I'm not saying you need to give her your class ring and ask her father for his blessing. But you seem... indifferent."

"Indifferent, how?" I asked. I was caught off-guard.

"Oh, come on, man. You never talk about her, not unless I ask. She's only come by the house a couple times. When I ask you about her, you don't really say anything. Things like 'she's fun' or 'she's cute' like you're talking about anything. There isn't any... enthusiasm."

I wasn't defensive, but I was definitely getting there. "Yeah, but I'm never intense about relationships. You didn't meet Rach right away when we started going out."

"Yeah, but that's what I'm talking about. You weren't exactly torn up when things ended with Rachel. And I'm not saying she wasn't a great girl. I liked Rach, and I'm sure Mel is just as nice. But I'm not sure what to think of seeing you so passive about another relationship."

"It isn't like you cried about Aisha when you guys broke up." I was sure I'd crossed a line, like I'd been too harsh.

"Right," Peter said without missing a beat.

"Wait, what?"

"Aisha and I were fine together, but we were both settling to some extent. Not unhappy, but not happy either."

"You weren't happy together? What do you mean? She's so great. I just...  I thought you loved her," I said dumbly.

"Sure, I did. She is great. But I didn't love her the way either of us deserves. Neither did she." Peter said this so casually. I guess he's been giving it a lot of thought. As if he'd read my mind, he continued. "You know, break ups suck, regardless. I still miss her. But did you see how Lena reacted when she and Taylor broke up? It wasn't anything like that for me. For me and Aish, breaking up was disappointing. But for Lena and Taylor, it was devastating. It's something I've been thinking about a lot since she stayed with us. I'm not saying that your feelings need to be huge to be worth the relationship. I'm just saying it's something to think about." Pete shrugged. Then he asked me about a paper I've been working on all week.

Peter's smart, even if his grades aren't very good. He told me that he's almost definitely going to be able to graduate on time, which is a relief to all of us. He deserves it.

Later, I met Lena at a pub for trivia last night. Peter needed to study.

Lena lives for bar trivia. She gets really competitive, and she's actually pretty good. We haven't gone as often this year, but now that Lena is single again, she's got more free time.

She ordered some nachos and I got a burger. Trivia had just finished up, and Lena was convinced that the guys who had beaten her had been cheating.

"He was on his phone the whole time. Nobody knows which Disney movie has the smallest cast off the top of their head. That's something that requires research."

I shrugged, knowing it's pointless to argue with Lena when she gets worked up. I sipped my beer and waited for her to calm down before I brought up the conversation I'd had with Pete.

"Len," I started, treading lightly, "what did you think of Aish and Pete together?"

She paused her rant to think about it. "What do you mean, exactly? They were a nice couple."

"But were you surprised when they broke up?"

She shook her head. "No, I didn't really see them ending up together."

"Yeah?" I was surprised. She'd spent less time around them than I did, but even she saw it. "I don't think I saw them fight the whole time they were together."

"Well, shit, Wes," Lena laughed. "Couples are supposed to fight. That's part of the deal, part of having feelings."

"I don't get it," I said, shaking my head. "I always thought they were solid."

"I'm not saying a couple needs to fight constantly. Or even often. I'm just saying it's inevitable when two people care about each other." She tilted her head, thinking. "I think there are definitely people who choose to fight because they feed off the drama. You know, people who equate drama to passion. If you ask me, they're two totally different things." She paused twirling the straw of her drink. "I guess it's about investment. When you're in love, actually in love, you invest time and emotion into that other person, and it's an ongoing effort. Aish and Pete weren't investing in one another so much as they were... existing together. So yeah, no fights."

"But maybe it depends on the two people. Maybe it isn't a firm and hard rule."

Lena shrugged. "I'm not an expert. That's just how I feel about it. Why'd you ask? Is Peter having a hard time?"

"No, nothing like that. But he and I were talking about me and Mel and it got me thinking. Wouldn't you say it's a little soon to be talking about investments and wanting to fight with Mel?" I asked, dropping all pretenses. "What about the honeymoon phase? I'm still getting to know her."

"That's fair. It's not like it needs to be love at first sight---in fact, I recommend you stay away from words like that for now. I'm just saying, you know when you've got those feelings about a person. Well, at least I knew." She frowned. "I guess I can only speak for myself. It might be completely different for you. In all honesty, it's hard for me to imagine you with a serious girlfriend."

"What about when I dated Rachel?"

Lena snorted and rolled her eyes. So, I guess that's my answer.

Anyway, Cass, what are your thoughts about relationships and how things are supposed to go? Really, I'm incredibly curious. You're probably in class right now, but I'd appreciate any and all of your thoughts on the matter. This stuff is making my head spin.

Wes

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to: weston.maguire@baderu.com

from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

subject: Always busy

sent: March 16, 2017 at 1:02pm

Hi Wes,

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I don't have an answer for you. Not a very good one, anyway. My exposure to modern dating is limited. I look at a couple like Simon and Sarah, and I can see what Lena is talking about. Their relationship revolves around time and effort, an investment, as she phrased it. Also, to Lena's point, everything they fight about is fuelled by the fact that they're important to each other. But it's also chemistry. It's as if someone sat down and wrote them out to compliment, balance, and contrast one another. They just make sense.

I like what she said about fighting, and how some people do it for the sake of drama. It's been my experience that people who know how it feels to have something terrible happen don't often create conflict for the sake of conflict. They're the pacifiers to the rest of our generation's nonsense. I feel like Lena might agree with me on that. She sounds like a girl I'd like.

I can't speak to the things Peter said. There's too much I don't know about you and even less that I know about your girl. I couldn't say if Mel is going to be a fling, or if she's going to be The One. I guess the only opinions that really matter are yours and hers.

I'm sorry this is such a half assed response. I've been in the library since seven this morning and, unlike you, I'm really not a morning person. I have a shit ton of essays to finish over the next couple days, and deadlines to meet with Julie and my publishers.

I'll try to send you something better in the next week, but I really need to get back to work.

Cassie

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to: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

from: weston.maguire@baderu.com

subject: Re: Always busy

sent: March 16, 2017 at 1:04pm

Cass,

Which library are you in?

Wes

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to: weston.maguire@baderu.com

from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

subject: Re: Always busy

sent: March 16, 2017 at 1:07pm

Wes,

Wow, that was quick. I'm in Emery. I've been here all day, why? Thinking of catching me alone so you can harvest my organs? I wish you luck, because they're made of stone.

Cass

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to: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

from: weston.maguire@baderu.com

subject: Re: Always busy

sent: March 16, 2017 at 1:12pm

Cass,

You're so weird.

Actually, I was thinking more like we can study together, maybe talk to each other in person. I'm sitting on the third floor of Emery near the elevator.

I had to get out of the house because someone (God bless her soul) decided she was willing to fuck my roommate Will and they'd been going at it all morning. Where are you? Would it be okay if we sit together, or is that breaking the rules?

Wes

. . .

to: weston.maguire@baderu.com

from: cassandra.belford@baderu.com

subject: Re: Always busy

sent: March 16, 2017 at 1:30pm

Wes,

I'm facing a book called Modern Concepts in Photography. There's an open seat beside me if you can find it.

Cassie