Chapter Seventeen

I was sick.

Me, a shifter, a person who's immune system was supposed to be so strong that we could never get sick, had a wicked cold.

I didn't know how mundies dealt with it. My head was pounding, I had the chills and a fucking cough that made me sound like a barking seal. Not to mention how my nose was running like a faucet. I had no clue that my body could produce so much mucus but apparently it could and it was intent on producing more.

I had been hiding in my room for the past two days hoping it would go away but it hung on there like a fucking leech. I had kicked Michael out on the first day and refused to let anyone come in. I had put myself into a self-imposed quarantine and it fucking sucked. I hadn't really eaten anything in two days but I had kept my fluids up. I was more than thankful that there was a bathroom attached to my room.

I was wrapped in three different blankets with only my face showing. No one had bothered me for the first two days but now Dickhead was getting insistent. First it had been little knocks ever four or five hours, now it was banging every hour. The knocking started again on the door and I groaned, trying to cover my ears against the pounding on the door. My head felt like it was splitting open.

"Go away." My voice was barely a croak and I coughed long and hard, my chest hurting with each one before collapsing into my blanket nest. The door opened despite my protest and I glared at the dark head of he irritating male who was intruding upon my self-imposed exile.

"Why are you hiding?" His voice was tight and I felt a sudden urge to cry. I didn't know what to do. I had never been sick before and I felt like death. I whimpered as I covered my face with the blanket. I would have sniffled but my nose was so blocked it wasn't even funny. I could barely breath and my ears even felt stuffy.

"I'm sick." It came out sounding pathetic and the blanket was lifted from my face. Sterling's grey eyes took me in, widening slightly at my state. He reached reached for my face and I weakly slapped his hand away. "Don't touch-" I couldn't finish it as I fell into another coughing fit. I was only barely aware of a hand touching my forehead and cheek.

"You are burning up, Pisică. Why didn't you come to me?" That was rich. I felt like death and I didn't want to move, let alone let Dickhead see me looking like a fucking corpse. I wasn't vain but there was a different between not wearing make up and having snot run down your pale ass face.

"I di-" And just like that my voice completely failed. My throat felt swollen and I gave another silent whimper. I felt like complete and total crap. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the raspy breaths that felt like they were rubbing shards of glass into my throat.

"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to break your rule on this one, my little cat." He started to unwrap me from my blankets and I didn't even have the energy to stop him or even care. I shivered as he pulled the last blanket off of me. "I should have knocked down your door yesterday." He was frowning, I didn't have to see his face to see it. I could hear it in his voice. His arms slid around my back and under my knees before he lifted me off the bed.

For some reason the bond didn't celebrate at the contact. I found a small smile on my face at the thought that the bond was just as sick as I was. I wanted to giggle and I started to but I ended up coughing instead. The coughs shook my entire body and I felt tears come to my eyes as my throat felt like it was on fire. Dickhead tightened his grip on me, murmuring too low for me to hear.

"Easy, my guriță. Breathe." At the words I wanted to slap him upside the head as I took deep rasping breaths, trying to calm my pounding heart. If I could breathe I wouldn't have been coughing so hard in the first place. I didn't have any energy to even swat at him for saying something so ridiculously stupid. That was the whole point of this stupid cold. I could barely breathe and I coughed constantly.

I didn't know how mundies dealt with colds. It was like hell. A pure living hell designed to kill a person. I might have been a bit over dramatic but I had never been sick before and the fact I could barely breathe and it felt like my skull was splitting open from pressure, made me feel a bit justified in my dramatics.

Somehow my face ended up buried into Sterling's neck. I hated to admit it but his scent was comforting. I wanted to sigh because obviously the bond wasn't sick enough to leave me alone completely. Fucking opportunistic parasite. However I couldn't force myself to pull my face away from his neck. I tried to convince myself it was because his skin was colder than mine and it was helping my fever but that didn't stop how I liked the contact. I frowned slightly before settling on blaming the cold for making me needy.

I didn't like the thought of being needy. My mother had drilled it into me that I needed to be strong and relentless. I couldn't show my emotions or let people see weakness. I had to remain strong and powerful both physically and mentally and I hated that when I was around Dickhead that I felt nothing like the Alpha my mother had tried to train me to be.

I ignored how my eyes watered at the thought of her and I shoved all thoughts of her away, locking them in the back of my mind. I didn't want to start crying, I was already leaking from my nose, I didn't need leakage from my eyes as well. Plus the thought of sobs made my throat burn worse. I could feel my nose starting to run again and I let out a quiet groan, resisting the urge to wipe at it with my hand. I cracked open an eye as I felt we started down the stairs.

"Where are we going?" My voice was nothing but a ragged whisper and I swallowed convulsively against how it grated on my sore throat.

"To see the doctor." Sterling shifted me in his arms slightly when we were halfway down the stairs and without thinking I wrapped my arm around his neck, slightly afraid he would drop me. That was all I needed, a drop down the stairs to go with my personal hell called a cold.

"I'm fine." I coughed as my voice cracked slightly, going raspy for a mere moment before going back to the whisper.

"You are so far from being fine its not even funny." His voice was low and I bit back a smile. It was kind of amusing. I mean, Shey Abigail Lazera, the firstborn of a firstborn of the Torvus Alpha bloodline, was being taken out by a common cold. It was virtually impossible, the chances of it were so miniscule that the fact that it did happen was amusing to an extent.

"It's a little bit funny." I yawned and winced as my throat burned at the action.

"Are you seriously trying to be amusing right now?" He sounded disbelieving and I shrugged as best as I could with one arm wrapped around him.

"Yes." I wondered if it was the fever talking more than me at the moment but I didn't care either way. I was too sick and too tired to censor myself.

"Well stop." He said it firmly and I shook my head.

"No." I gave a wheezing laugh at the exasperated sound he made before I started coughing again. If I would have been dressed in a seal costume I would have passed off as a real one with how badly I was barking. The thought made me laugh unexpectedly which in turn made the barking cough worse. When I finally managed to get it under control I smiled weakly. "I'm a seal." He let out a sigh before shifting me in his arms, holding me in one arm before opening a door. He quickly brought both arms back around me, holding me close before he took two steps and set me down. I let my arms drop as I looked around, the room was fairly bright and I could see several other cots next to mine. I wanted to groan when I realized it was an infirmary.

"I'm going to get the doctor, alright?" Sterling brushed my sweat dampened hair away from my face careful to keep his fingers from touching my skin as he pulled a blanket over my form.

I stared up at him for a second before I turned away, my head pounding. "Don't care." The raspy whisper made my throat itch and I held back the coughs that wanted to appear at it. I closed my eyes, the trembling growing worse in my limbs. I felt cold and I missed my nest of blankets I had made in my bedroom. I liked the solitude, hiding away from the world, wallowing in my misery.

I coughed into my arm, wincing at every one that tore through my throat. I swallowed convulsively, wishing I had a glass of water to help chase away the sore dryness I felt my throat had. I buried my face in the pillow with a silent groan, listening to how my breathing wheezed out of my chest. I wasn't entirely sure that was a good thing or not but it was slightly interesting.

I could hear the door opening and I sniffed without success. I couldn't breathe through my nose because it was blocked so my sense of smell was pretty much shot to hell. I rolled over and looked through narrowed eyes. Dickhead was back with a rather plain looking middle aged male in a light blue button-up shirt.

"So I hear you have a cold?" He came over and I stared at him without saying a word. I figured the answer was obvious enough just by looking at me. He gave me a small smile and I narrowed my eyes before huffing slightly.

"Fucking obvious don't you think?" I glowered at him as I rasped the words out. I wasn't a fan of doctors. It wasn't particularly his fault I just wasn't a fan of them. His eyes widened slightly and Dickhead coughed loudly. I glanced at him and he gave me a look that essentially told me to be polite. I lifted my hand and flipped him off. I wasn't in the mood to be friendly with anyone.

"Well, I can see that but I can understand. You probably have a rather bad headache, chills, aches, a nasty sore throat, and an overwhelming need to bite someone's head off for asking pointless questions." The doctor raised an eyebrow and I gave a snort of laughter that triggered a coughing fit. I had to admit he was rather amusing, I still didn't care for doctors but he could grow on me. He patted my back before putting a bottle of water in my hand. "Drink that. You are going to need fluids, lots of them. I have some herbal concoctions I can give you to help with the chills, the sore throat, and the fever. You can take some ibuprofen for your headache and all I can say is you will need rest and fluids." I took the lid off the bottle and took a long drink. It helped a bit with the dryness in my throat but not with the soreness. I gave the doctor a faint nod as I quickly put the cap on the bottle and hugged it to my chest slightly.

"Alpha Sterling. I am going to get the appropriate medication. Do you mind watching the patient?" The doctor's voice was smooth and I stared at his back. He didn't wait for a response from Dickhead as he moved over to his various cupboards. People were getting suspicious and the fact Dickhead had carried me to the infirmary and most likely ordered the doctor to take care of me was not going to help the matter. I rolled over and stared at Sterling as he pulled a chair over to the side of my bed and sat down in it heavily.

"I should have gotten you here sooner." He stared at me as if he were taking in ever inch of my form. It made me slightly uncomfortable that he looked so worried and I weakly waved him away.

"Shut up, your voice is giving me a headache." That was a lie. I liked his voice and it was certainly nicer to listen to than the doctor or my own wheezing. It was not giving me a headache either, in fact it was soothing a bit of the ache, not the pressure but some of the ache. I didn't care for that little fact and I certainly didn't like the fact that he was lingering. I wasn't sure what the bond was doing but the fact it was silent worried me slightly. If I couldn't pinpoint what it was doing then I couldn't fight against it.

The doctor came back and Sterling reached out to help me sit up and I slapped his hands away. I had enough of being weak and he had touched me enough already. I was feeling overwhelmingly wary with the bond being so silent. I sat up myself and sniffled, wanting a tissue so I could blow my nose.

"Alright, I am giving you the ibuprofen first." The doctor held out his hand with three brown pills resting on his palm. I uncapped the bottle of water and took the pills before swallowing them quickly. "And now for the fun ones." He had a spoon in his other hand that had a strange brown syrup in it and I stared at it warily as he brought it to my face.

"Open up." He stared at me intently and I slowly opened my mouth. Without my sense of smell I couldn't identify what it was. I didn't have time to think as the doctor shoved the spoon in my mouth. The syrup definitely had a sweet menthol flavour to it an it was almost impossible to swallow but I managed. I yanked the spoon from my mouth and wanted to curse at him but the syrup soothed my sore throat nearly immediately.

I took a large drink of my water, cleaning out the rest of the thick syrup from my mouth. "I think I love you." Most of the raspiness was gone from my voice. I smiled at the doctor and he rolled his eyes with a small smile.

"No, you love nin jiom." He took the spoon away from me and started pouring a new liquid into it.

"What?" I frowned at the foreign words and he quickly set the other bottle to the side.

"Chinese cold concoction. Open." He shoved the spoon towards my face again and I opened dutifully. I wished I hadn't because the liquid was vile. I fought the urge to gag and I was forced to swallow the disgusting liquid. I coughed and stuck my tongue out. The liquid was almost burning the inside of my mouth and I quickly downed the rest of my water bottle before chucking the empty bottle at the doctor who dodged it quickly.

"Why the fuck didn't you give that to me first? Fucking disgusting!" The taste lingered in my mouth and I glared at the doctor. I knew there was a reason I didn't like them. Sneaky, untrustworthy bastards.

"You wouldn't have trusted me the second time." He shrugged and I whipped the spoon at his head. He seemed to catch it without a thought

"Was that fucking piss?" I glared at him. The bitter, sour taste lingered in my mouth and I wanted to gag. It kind of reminded me of bile.

"It's just a tincture of peppermint, chamomile, oil of oregano, goldenseal, oscillo, and horseradish. Stop being so dramatic." He rolled his eyes and I narrowed mine at him.

"You taste it then!" I pointed at the bottle he had set down and he made a face as he looked at it.

"No. It's disgusting. Why would I do that?" He gave me a look and I stared at him in utter contempt. Sneaky doctors, always giving you the worst tasting medicines.

"Yet you make me take it?" I was a little bit upset at the thought. We had started to become chummy and then he went head and tried to poison me. Granted that was a bit dramatic but it was fucking disgusting.

"Shifters don't get sick. Well, the children do but we do not. You needed it. Without your wolf you heal about as well as a mundane. It will help." His voice was soothing and I crossed my arms over my chest. His voice reminded me of an adult talking to an unruly child and I didn't appreciate it.

"More like kill me." I wanted to pout but that wouldn't make the doctor want to treat me like a child less.

"Okay, Pisică, you are being dramatic." Dickhead's voice was firm and I snapped my gaze to him with agitation rising. He had no reason to be chastising me.

"Dramatic? Have you tasted that shit?" I narrowed my eyes at the offending bottle and pointed at it.

His eyes widened slightly before his eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion. "Well no."

"There's your answer. You taste some and tell me if I'm being dramatic." I crossed my arms over my chest and clenched my teeth together. I was not being dramatic, well maybe a tiny bit but I wasn't wrong in how terrible it tasted.

"I'm going to head back to finish with Lily, Alpha Sterling. Keep her hydrated and bring her something to eat." The doctor smiled at Sterling before leaving quickly. I glared at his retreating figure only to be interrupted by a loud curse.

"What the fuck is this?" Dickhead was holding the bottle with a horrified expression on his face. He stared at it and disgust slowly twisted at his face as he put it down. "Okay, that's nasty. You're not being dramatic. Fuck me that's gross." He edged way from the bottle and I gave him a smug look. I knew it wasn't just me over-exaggerating.

"I need a glass of water after that." He looked around as if he could spot a glass of water and I rolled my eyes as I slowly swung my legs over the edge of the bed.

"Water doesn't get the taste out." I quickly stood up and regretted it as a wave of dizziness nearly had me falling to my knees.

Sterling grabbed my arms, holding me up as I swayed, black spots dancing in my vision for a few seconds before they faded. "I can carry you-"

"No. I have two functional legs. I have a cold, I'm not an invalid." I snapped the words out before I shoved his hands off my arms. I glowered at the floor and he reached for me again. "Don't touch me! Why can't you fucking listen when I state my boundaries? I don't want you fucking touching me." I hissed the words out and his hand dropped. I glanced up at him and his eyes narrowed at me and I swallowed as I saw the hurt that flashed through them. Even I knew that was bitchy of me.

He turned and stalked out of the room and I felt like a shitty human being. He was under the influence of the bond, he couldn't help his need to touch me, to be near me. I let out a sigh. The bond was probably tearing at him, screaming at him to make sure I was alright and I had to revert to being a bitch. I shuffled toward the door with a faint frown on my face. I didn't like feeling guilty.

I slowly made my way back to the stairs and started up them. I was so tired I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for a few days but the nagging guilt in my head and chest refused to leave me alone. I hit the top of the stairs and slowly made my way to the office. I was fairly certain he was in there and I slowly opened the heavy wooden door. It creaked slightly and Sterling's gaze snapped to my form. He stared at me coldly and I fought back the urge to wince at it.

"What the fuck do you want?" The words were icy and I fought back an angry retort. I pinched my lips together and trudged into the room, heading straight for him. "Get out." I ignored the angry words and grabbed his wrist tightly in my hand. I ignored how hard my heart pounded in my chest as I linked my fingers with his. I tugged on his wrist and he tried to shake my grip off.

I gritted my teeth, avoiding looking at him. "I'm sick and I need someone to take care of me." I swallowed and tried to breathe through the panic I was feeling. I wasn't used to interacting with Sterling without anger or derision. I wasn't used to letting someone take care of me but I didn't know how else to apologize. I didn't do feelings or apologies or a bond. I didn't know what else to do other than try, even if I came off as inept.

"So I'm just a convenience to you?" He grabbed my wrist and yanked his from my grip, letting me go as if I burned him. I didn't want to admit it but the action caused a pang in my chest. "Someone you're okay with when it's convenient but never any time else?" I glanced at him and looked away. He looked angry and he had every right to be.

I slumped my shoulders. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to get into it with him, not with how I was feeling. "Forget about it." I turned away and rubbed at my throbbing forehead.

"You know what your issue is? You sit there and you hide in this shell, lashing out at those who try to get close to you and then you expect them to be there when you need them." The words burned because they were true. I hated that he was right. I didn't know how to have a normal relationship with anyone. I didn't know what to expect or how to act with the people around me. My grandfather had made sure my trust had been too fractured to rely on anyone else. It kept me isolated and I wasn't sure how to come out of that isolation.

"I don't kno-"

"You don't know? No, you don't try. You just expect everything to go how you want it and fuck anyone who doesn't fit that." He spat the words out and I felt my muscles tighten. I felt like I was being cornered. I had all the room to run in the world but his words held me down, pinned me in place. "The only thing you know how to do is run away when things get tough. When your life gets hard you simply grab your shit and you run." I was breathing heavy and I opened my mouth but nothing would come out. Tears pricked at my eyes. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I wasn't feeling well enough to get into it with him.

"You run because it's easier than dealing with your problems. It's easier than trying. That is all you know how to do and what you will continue doing. Running away from life when it gets tough." He let out a bitter laugh. "Is that what happened? Did life get a little to rough for you?" He didn't know anything. Anger shook my limbs and I ground my teeth together.

"Shut up! You don't kno-"

"I know enough!" His voice was booming sound and I whirled around, tears slipped from my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks. I was so angry. He didn't know anything and he was yelling at me like he did.

"You know nothing!" I wiped at my eyes angrily and he glared at me, his eyes dark like storm clouds.

"What's because you won't try! You shove me away, shout at me, insult me, and your antagonize me to get what you want." He threw his arms out and I glared at him. "Then you get upset when I don't give it to you. Life will never give you what you want, yet you sit there like a spoiled brat expecting just that!" I let my mouth open. He had no right to say that shit. He didn't know anything about me.

"You don't have the right to judge me!" I narrowed my eyes at him and his hands clenched into fists as he let his arms drop to his sides. "You sit there on a throne of moral superiority over me when you are the one who kept me here! I didn't want to be here! I didn't want to be held hostage by a male who was keeping me to be fucking petty because I had the audacity to tell him what to do!" I wasn't stupid, Sterling was very much a petty male and I had gathered enough to figure out that was the reason.

"I am your mate. That gives me the right to do as I did." His jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth and I knew I hit a sore spot.

"It shouldn't! It shouldn't be used to hurt people, to contain them and control them!" Tears prickled my eyes at the truth of the words. I had been at the end of such treatment and now that I was at the end of the line, I had to simply take it or die and those options were pathetic but it was all I had. "You have no right to do that." He didn't, no one did.

"I am your mate, I can do whatever I fucking want!" He gave another cold chuckle and I crossed my arms over my chest, holding myself tightly as I fought against the tears burning my eyes.

"That's right because you are a fucking Alpha and they get what they want regardless of everyone else wants." All Alphas were the same in that regards. I had seen Alphas do horrendous things for their own needs and wants and I knew how ingrained it was. I was a fucking Alpha but at least I had the brains to see it. That he was sitting there, disparaging me for reacting to what he had done to me was just another reason I hated Alphas like I did.

"You know nothing." The words were a low warning and I chuckled humorlessly. So I knew nothing but he was allowed to know everything?

"I know nothing? Says the male who is speaking about my life as if he was there! You're an Alpha-"

"I never wanted to be an Alpha! Did you honestly think I wanted this? The fucking pack on my shoulders? The responsibility and the hardship that comes with this fucking title? Do you?" He spat the words at me before he took a step towards me, his eyes darkening a touch more. I fought the urge to back away, to give into the intensity and attempt to move away from it.

"Don't speak to me of hardship like you know what it means." I knew that he had issues but it wasn't a lifetime of rejection, isolation, and training. His life wasn't filled with heartbreak, guilt, and self-loathing. He didn't get to judge me from the position as Alpha and tell me it was a hardship when he didn't know me.

"So you are the only one in this world who has had any form of hardship? You are the only person who had experienced something terrible? My father and two brothers died. My mother is dying right in front of me and I can do nothing and you tell me I don't know what hardship means?" He was breathing heavily and he narrowed his eyes at me. "Dealing with you is a fucking hardship." That hurt. It was a sharp spear of pain that slammed into me and I lifted my chin, unwilling to let him see the hurt his words had brought. I didn't want it to hurt, I didn't want it to ache but it did.

"Then fucking reject me." It was so close. I could almost feel the burn building in my chest and I just wanted it to be over. The fighting and the surviving to end. I wanted to be free of everything regardless of the consequences. I couldn't live underneath the thumb of a male who lorded over me like that. Who believed his claim as my mate allowed him to do as he wished. I wouldn't let my grandfather with, not with this. Death would be preferable to that.

"I will never reject you! How many fucking times do I have to tell you?" His voice held the edge of a snarl and I felt the building burn fade away and I wanted to reach out of it in panic. I could handle rejection. I could take it. I was used to it but this was something I was unable to deal with. "You can't run from this. I won't let you." I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to hear him say any of that.

"Stop it!" I wanted the conversation to be over. I didn't want to listen anymore because I didn't want to feel that exposed. I didn't want to be stuck like I was, I didn't want to be tied to someone who used the bond like he did, who believed what he did. I wanted to be done. I didn't want to continue like it was, with the power imbalanced and never steady.

"What you can't handle the truth?" There was a cold edge of mocking to his voice. "You tell me you don't know. What don't you know? Huh?" he crossed his arms over his chest and I wiped at my eyes frantically. The tears were a weakness but I couldn't get them to stop.

Panic tightened my chest and I felt myself almost gasping for air. "I don't know how to have a relationship, Sterling! I don't! What the fuck do you want me to say?" I threw my hands out as my voice pitched up to my slight hysteria. My headache was getting worse and I felt my bottom lip quiver. I was horrified at the thought that I would start crying. I had been trying to stave it off but I was just so done and everything was too emotional.

"No, you don't want a relationship. I try and I try and you shut me out. You don't care." There was an accusation to his voice and I threw my arms out much like he had done.

"What do you expect me to do?" I didn't know what he wanted from me. I didn't know because I was scared and I was tired and I didn't know what to do about anything. I just wanted there to be an end and to be a horizon I could look to because right now there was nothing to hold onto to keep me going.

"I expect you to try!" There was that same snarl in his voice that had me shuddering underneath the dominance he was now trying to throw out. I wanted to buckle underneath it, to curl up and disappear because I just couldn't handle it all anymore.

"I don't know how!" I didn't know how to push away the fear and the hurt to trust the bond. I didn't know how to trust something that had hurt me so badly before, that he had used against me. I was floundering in the ocean with no one I could trust because the last people I trusted to save me threw back overboard, leaving me to drown.

"Yes you do! You just don't want to." He shouted the words at me and I inhaled sharply. He didn't understand what I was going through. He didn't know how I felt. I didn't want him to understand, I didn't want to share the part of me that had been so broken because if he put me back together and dashed me to the ground I wouldn't survive.

"I've been rejected my entire life, twenty-nine times, my wolf is dying and you expect me to simply understand how to be in a relationship? I can't understand how because no one ever gave me the chance to! I don't know how, Sterling. I don't understand what I'm feeling half the time and caring for people has only every brought me pain. I can't try because I don't know how!" My throat burned at the outburst. Silence fell and I wrapped my arms around myself, folding into myself. "How can I trust something that has hurt me that many times? How can I hope that you are different? You're supposed to be number thirty. Your rejection is going to free me. If you reject me I will die and I will be free from it all. No more pain or heartbreak and you stand there refusing that and are using it to taunt me. How am I supposed to deal with that? How?" I sniffled as I slowly sat on the floor, trying to make myself look small as I pulled my legs up to my chest.

It would have been so much easier if he had given me that rejection. If he had simply let me go. I would have been free from everything. I didn't know that before but I did now and now I just wanted it to be over. "You tell me I have to try. I can't try, Sterling. I don't know how." The first sob escaped without warning and I buried my face into my knees, trying to muffle the torrent that followed. My throat hurt and I couldn't breathe, my head pounded harshly as I wrapped my arms tightly around my knees as I gave myself into the feelings that ran through me. I was just so tired, so done with the world. I just wanted there to be an end.

I didn't know how to trust someone enough to care for them. I didn't know how to trust someone enough to love them because I had always been hurt. Jason, Allan, Bastian, Jack, and my mother. Each one had hurt me in a different way and each one had taught me that I wasn't worthy of love.

How was I supposed to recover from that?