Chapter 45

"How are you feeling?" Galen hovered over my bed like a cloud.

End it

End it.

Find a way.

My eyes pondered the room. Charles and Orion stood at the foot of my bed. They had moved me to a room with no windows. It was practically empty.

I attempted to sit up, but my hands were restrained. I turned my head down to see my feet were bound as well. They had me tied to the bed.

"I'm sorry. It's so you don't hurt yourself. Samuel put a liquid in your blood stream. Witches often call it dread dew. It is very hard to make and very hard to cure. That is what's doing this to you. I am working on a counter potion, but it has proven itself to be difficult."

Find something.

Zap

Dispose of yourself. Now.

Zap

Do the right thing and kill yourself.

With all my strength, I tried to rip out of the chains they put me in.

"Zander, stop! It's for your own good." Charles shouted at me like a master shouting at his disobedient puppy.

"Let me die. Let me die. Please. Just let me go. Please." The tears returned. If they had kept me awake, they wouldn't have left in the first place.

I looked at Orion. His eyes were dark. His eyes were underlined with dark circles; he hadn't slept. If there were anyone to understand the desire to end my suffering, it would be him.

"Orion. Please."

I made him look up at me and witness my suffering.

"Please. Let me go. I am better off dead."

"No. We need you. Your people need you."

"NO THEY DON'T! I NEED TO DIE! Why don't you understand that?" My tears turned into a sob. I gasped for air as I cried.

"I suggest we put him back to sleep. Until I can figure out how to help him." Galen said.

"I'm right here! Don't talk to me like I'm not right fucking here! Do not put me back to sleep! DO NOT!" I kicked and yelled in panic.

Galen looked at Orion and Charles for guidance.

"Orion... Charles.. Please. Just end my suffering. Please."

"Leave me alone with him." Orion said.

"What! He could kill you!" Charles said.

"I know. I can handle it. I'll call if I need assistance."

Galen touched Orion's shoulder.

"Orion, I don't think you understand how severe this is. He may never recover. Or he may not allow himself to live long enough for me to heal him."

"Go. I said I'll call if I need help."

Galen and Charles had finally listened to Orion. Both of them left, closing the creaky wooden door behind him.

Orion approached me. I was still struggling and sobbing.

"You're alright now. Samuel can't hurt you." He lowered himself to me.

"Please..If you care about me, if you care about anyone. You need to let me go. You need to let me do this."

"I know what it's like. After my sister died, all I could think about was joining her. Leaving my father behind and no longer existing in the cruel world he created. But I wanted to stop him. Stop him from making anyone else feel like that. I'm sorry he did this to you. I wish you let it hit me. Nobody deserves to feel like that, especially you."

My despair turned into pure frustration. Nobody was listening to me. I knew the only way out would be in death. If they had truly cared about me, they would let me relieve myself from the pain.

"You clearly don't understand, or you would let me fucking die!"

I began to fight again. I pulled on the restraints as hard as I could, causing them to begin to tear. The rip only motivated me more.

Orion grabbed my arms and held them down as a restraint.

"Let me go! I'm almost free!"

"Galen! GALEN!" Orion called.

Galen pushed through the door and rushed over.

"Don't put me to sleep! PLEASE!"

Galen waved their magical hands over my head. My body felt like it was immersed in a cold lake. Everything felt heavy as I began to sank.

"No! The nightmares are unbearable!" I said, my eyelids becoming heavy. I could no longer control my muscles. Orion loosened his grip as I returned to the dark hole I was shoved in.

The suffering was endless. It seemed to have no beginning or end. No progression into becoming better. Every time I was awake I would be overcame with dangerous thoughts.

"We can't just keep putting him to sleep. He needs to eat." I heard Orion's voice as I began to woke up. My head was pounding, like it was being smashed by a hammer.

"I am unsure how to protect him otherwise. It only takes an unsupervised minute for him to be dead."

"He's going to starve if we don't feed him, then he'll die either way."

"Then let me die." I spoke up. My throat was sore, producing a weak sound.

"No, Zander. I will be back with food. Please, you need to eat."

My stomach grumbled and sent shooting warnings across my body. I knew that the pain of staying alive would be much worse than the pain of an angry stomach.

Orion returned with a hot bowl of soup. He pulled up a chair and sat it next to my bed. I tightened my mouth.

"Let's start small and give something to settle your stomach."

The steam of the soup left the bowl as he scooted closer to me.

"I don't want to eat. Let me die."

"Zander, please. It'll make you feel better."

The broth was dark. It had a various mix of cooked vegetables floating around in it. My stomach pleaded for it.

"No. I don't want to eat. You keeping me here to suffer is selfish."

"We need you. Your kingdom needs you. Mavis and her baby need you..And I.." He let out a sigh.

"I need you to eat this soup."

"Does that mean you are goin to untie my restraints?"

"No. I'm not falling for that." He scooped up a spoonful of broth and swirled it towards me.

"You are not going to feed me. I'm not a child."

"I know you aren't. I just can't trust you not to hurt yourself right now, which you already said you'd do. Open up."

I sighed and opened my mouth. He pushed the small spoon into my mouth, depositing the warm broth.

"See? Don't you feel better already?"

"No."

"Alright, well. Here comes more." He scooped up a soggy carrot with the spoon.

"I'm not doing this." I repeated.

Orion dropped the wet carrot back into the soup and set down the spoon. He grabbed a pillow and propped my head up, then brought the bowl to my mouth for me to slurp it.

It was refreshing, and satisfied my stomach's hungry roar. I wish it had cured everything. I wish my body wasn't numb, I wish my senses weren't heightened to every ounce of pain. I wish I didn't want to die.

"That better?" He asked, pulling away a nearly empty bowl from my lips.

"Yes. Thank you." I said to him.

The soup made my mouth tingle. I looked around the windowless room they had me in. It was mostly empty. A bed, a small table next to me, and a wooden chair.

"Where. Where are we?"

"We're still in Naporia. The queen agreed to allow us to stay here until you get better. She's very grateful for what you did."

"By putting her in danger and destroying her castle? None of this would be happening if it wasn't for me and my fuck ups."

"It's not your fault. My father would have still tried to create an empire. If his dragon boy wasn't Samuel, it would have been someone else. This would have happened with it without you. All you've done is save people."

"That's not true."

"Yes! It is! Vendov would have captured Naporia and the queen would be dead by now if it weren't for you."

"You're wrong. You know nothing."

"You know I'm right."

"You're not. Nothing changes if I die. It'll only improve."

"No, that's not true! What about Lafayette? What happens if we win the war? Your kingdom will cease to exist without you."

"It's already destroyed, there will be no returning to it regardless."

"There are two kingdoms left that hasn't chosen a side in the war; Darlington and Dewsbury. We have to get to them before Vendov does."

"It doesn't matter. Nothing I do matters."

"Yes, it does! Stop doubting yourself! I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in your efforts. Vendov has rebels, but they've never gotten far. When I heard about you, I left in the middle of the night with no plans on coming back. You saved me, Zander."

It was only for a moment that the pain subsided. For a moment, nothing hurt. The bugs stopped biting, the hammer stopped hitting.

The force of the hammer and bugs only returned stronger.

I let out a scream. My body boiled with anger. Angry at feeling like shit, angry at Orion for keeping me alive to suffer.

"I didn't fucking save you. I didn't save anyone and I never will. Stop pitying me and get out."

"Zander, I want to help."

"Either let me kill myself or get the fuck out!" I yelled at him, tugging on my restraints.

I could see the hurt in his eyes. In that moment, I didn't even care. I felt like I had become a monster, perhaps I deserved to be chained up.

"Fine. I'll leave."