Chapter 15

We began to pull away, but Carlo pushed my head back in for more. I didn't protest. His lips were soft. I gently nibbled on his lower lip. I had felt like he was something I was missing for a very long time.

I had to snap myself back into reality, giving myself a bit of anxiety doing so. I needed to find what I needed and move on. I couldn't allow my heart to distract me. I pulled away.

"I should really get back to reading." I said.

"You kiss me like that and you're really trying to say you have reading on your mind?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

My internal struggle felt like a ball bouncing up and down. I needed to stay low and stay to the ground, but every moment with him was magic. A magic that was rare in the cruel world I was born in.

I bounced the ball.

"I need to keep reading. It's important." I explained, beginning to get up.

The thought of telling him the truth crossed my mind briefly. I had to remind myself all the dangers of doing so. I couldn't trust him. And if I did, I wouldn't want him to get mixed up in the complicated business of killing his king.

"I'll read with you, then." He followed me. He picked up a book and began to study it. I wanted to protest, but it wouldn't do any good. I knew he had no plans to leave.

The next morning he came in with freshly baked bread. He was too kind to the man who was going to assassinate his king.

"I could really help you if you told me what you were looking for." He said, sitting down by me.

"I thought you'd stop asking questions." I flipped a page of the book.

"It wasn't a question. More of a statement. I just think I could be a great resource to you."

"It's fine, I'll figure it out." I said.

I continued to read. I couldn't figure out how Samuel managed to find out about dragons. It's almost as if they weren't real. There were myths of them, but that didn't tell me much. Just that they existed and that they were dead. I didn't know how they died, and I had no idea if it were even possible to resurrect. I had learned about so many mythical creatures. I wondered what ones were real. What if they were all real? Why did they hide?

I thought of what the loyalists said over and over. I needed to find out the place of nothing. Carlo was quiet again. I wanted to talk to him, but I needed to continuously remind myself why I needed to keep my guard up. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to get hurt again.

The sun set.

"Can I bother you for a minute?" Carlo interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Come with me." He pulled me out of my chair and pulled the hood up on my cloak for me.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"Nowhere far. Come on." He reached for my hand.

We went outside and immediately went next door. It was his home. It was small, but quaint. It smelled like fresh cooked food. There still managed to be piles of books scattered around his home, despite living next to the largest library in the world.

"It smells amazing." I said.

"I thought I'd bring you to the food instead of always bringing the food to you. The library is stuffy. And dusty."

"You're too nice to me." I said.

"I know. I brought the book you were reading up here too. I figured you could stay here tonight." He said.

"Here?" I asked.

"Well I know it's nothing fancy, but it has to be better than falling asleep nose first on a wooden table."

"You're letting me into your home. What if I was a thief? A murderer?"

He reached for my hand.

"I know you're not. I saw how you looked after those loyalists died. I don't think you're capable of anything cruel."

He reluctantly pulled away.

"Food is almost done. You can take off your cloak, no one is going to find you here." He said.

I did as he said. He scooped me a bowl of warm stew. I hadn't ate anywhere near that well since I was in the castle.

"Thank you. I just don't know if it's a good idea to stay here." I said.

"Lee. I don't know why you're so hidden. And I promised I wouldn't ask anymore. But please. Just for tonight. If you want to fall asleep on a wooden table tomorrow night so be it. But for tonight, let yourself relax."

I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I needed to resist.

He took my hand once more.

"You're afraid. Don't be." His soft words hummed in my ears like a soothing melody.

He brushed my cheek. He leaned in and kissed me. My heart couldn't take it anymore. I let myself fall. I dropped the ball so far and hard.

I stayed there that night. And the next. He allowed it to be my home too. We spent days in the library, and nights in his home. This went on for weeks. I continued my search, but Carlo held a lot of my attention. More of it than I would like to admit.

I was reading in the library.

"My parents are coming back to town tonight. I think you should join us for dinner." He said.

"I can't." I said.

"I know you're nervous, but they won't bite."

"I said no. I'm not going. I'll stay down here for the night. Don't ask again." I raised my voice.

He looked saddened.

"Alright. That's fine. They should be gone by tomorrow." He said, lowering his head.

I let myself feel for him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I couldn't see his parents. What if they had recognized me? It would be over. Carlo would have a headless lover and a stack of half read books to put away.

He kissed my head before leaving, which felt like a jolt of lighting from my brain to my heart.

"I'll bring you some food soon." He said.

Even when he was upset with me he was still incredibly kind. I sighed. I didn't deserve him. I was an outlaw, an outcast. I was a failed king. He was so genuinely kind, even to complete strangers. I wondered if he would still be helping me if  he knew I was going to kill his king. I knew I was in danger, falling for another enemy.

I returned to his house the next day. He told me about his parents visit. It was pleasant, he said. He seemed to be less sad. I wish I could reassure him. But I couldn't. I had nothing to offer him. I only brought danger to his calm life.

I kissed him. He put his hands around me. It was late. The candle that was lighting up his home was almost a wax puddle.

"Ready for bed?" I whispered in his ear before giving him kisses on his neck.

It felt different with Carlo. It was similar to how I felt with Samuel, but almost better. It wasn't just sex like it was with the tavern men in Naporia. It was love. It was passion. I wouldn't even let my mind think it at the time, but it was. I felt connected with him. It felt almost embarrassing feeling so deeply for him.

I thought of what Mavis would say. She would tell me to be happy. I thought of our conversation we had on our berry pick. She told me not to pursue this mission. She told me to let go. With Carlo I could let go. I could live a happy, little, relaxed life with a happy, kind, man.

I let myself let go.