Pros and Cons

I didn’t sleep much. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes, Carrie flashed into my mind, that or Jan saying I loved her.

Is there such a thing as love?

Am I terrible for Sara?

Should I really be doing this?

Am I just going to hurt her in the end?

Do I deserve her?

Do I love this girl?

I mean, I like being around her, I like sleeping with her in my arms, I like making her dinner, I like going on dates, I get excited when she’s around and I feel my hand tingle when she holds it. Is that what love is?

I don’t even know.

How can I be enough for her?

“Devon?” Sara mumbled quietly?

Why was she awake? It was almost one in the morning. “Yeah baby?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You haven’t slept, have you?”

I thought about lying, but I didn’t want to lie to her. I never wanted to lie to her. “No, I haven’t.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

She reached out and turned on one of the lamps on the nightstand and rolled over to look at me. “You’ve been weird all night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just tell me what’s wrong.”

She was beautiful. Green eyes, brown hair, a few freckles here and there. I can’t explain it, it’s just a quality she had. There was just something beautiful about her. “Jan and I were at the bar. Carrie showed up, said that I didn’t deserve someone like you. Someone who believed in love and who believed in me. She said I’d only cause you pain in the end.”

Her fingers brushed against m cheek and I closed my eyes. “She’s wrong. You’re a wonderful person, Devon. Everyone has their own views on love, ours are different, but I don’t care about that. I don’t need to hear that you love me; I just need to know that you want to be with me. Maybe not forever, but for now. She doesn’t know what you deserve, but I do. You’re better than you think you are.”

“Why couldn’t I have met you earlier? Before I went through women like a four year old does with toys?”

“Because you weren’t ready. I’m sure you could have met someone like me before this, I’m sure you have, but you just didn’t notice it until you were ready for it. You have to want to change to change.”

“I didn’t want to change.” I chuckled quietly. “I was so terrified when I couldn’t find another woman again. I thought something was wrong with me. Jan thought so too at first, but she seems to realize things before I do.”

“She’s a smart cookie, that one.”

“Sometimes. She still won’t ask Luce out.”

“She’s scared. You were too, not so long ago.”

“I still am.”

“Why are you scared?”

“You scare me. What I feel for you scares me. The idea of hurting you terrifies me. The thought that maybe I’ll go back to who I was before I met you.”

“That doesn’t scare me.” She whispered, snuggling into my chest.

I wrapped my arm around her, holding her against me. “Why not?”

“Because I know the answers that you don’t. Go to sleep.”

It took a while, but I did eventually fall asleep.

Cooper was what woke me up. He got on the bed, pushed his way between Sara and I, and licked my entire face.

I groaned and wiped away dog spit and stood up. I was in a pair of lounge pants and a wife beater. Sara was sitting up in the bed and rubbing sleep from her eyes. “Back in a moment.” I mumbled as I clipped Cooper’s leash on him and opened the door.

When I came back in, Sara was out of the shower and in her chef’s uniform, ready for school.

I showered quickly and pulled on those black and white checked pants and threw on a clean wife beater under my ironed chef’s jacket. When I went into the kitchen there was a plate with two slices of toast and cinnamon butter.

I grinned widely and took the plate to the small table that Sara was sitting at, sipping her orange juice and looking out the window. I kissed her cheek and sat down across from her. “Thanks for making me breakfast.”

She smiled and said, “Life of a pastry chef? Toast for breakfast?”

“Don’t knock it, I’m poor.”

“All those nights at the bar?”

“Nah, Luce gives us the family discount. It’s because I’m in college and I work a really shitty job three times a week for four hours in the middle of the day because of my school schedule.”

“Life of a college student.”

“Top Ramen and toast.” I smiled over my toast. “And I love every second of it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I got a apartment, and my parents sometimes send me money if they think I’m struggling, and I have a dog. And you.”

“And me?” She feigned surprise and I just chuckled.

“Yes, you. You make my day better. You make me all…happy.”

“That’s good. You make me happy too.” She said, smiling at me over her cup of OJ.

We went to school, and went our separate way, me placing a light kiss on her lips before heading to Gastronomy class.

Mushrooms today.

I hate mushrooms.

I pulled out a pad of paper and looked down at it for a long time before I decided what I wanted to write on it, and it wasn’t about mushrooms.

Pros:

Cons:

I thought for a long time about it. What was a good reason to stay with Sara?

She makes me happy.

She’s funny.

She’s sexy.

She’s cute.

She’s fun to be with.

Now for some cons.

I would hurt her.

I don’t believe in love.

She would grow tired of waiting.

I don’t want kids.

I’m messed up.

I may slip into old habits with women.

I don’t want to get married.

I’m not enough.

I’m sometimes difficult to be around.

I have crazy ‘exes’ (Carrie and women I’ve slept with)

She’s too good for me.

I hold her back.

I sighed and put it away. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, it was making me sad. Cons were outweighing the pros, by a lot right now. Not just in number, because I list all the great things about us and they would probably be pretty close when I was done, but it was the severity. I wasn’t good for her. She was good for me, but I wasn’t for her, and I cared more about what was good for her than for me. I could find someone else for me, but she loved me and I was holding her back. I didn’t like that.

I started focusing a lot harder on mushrooms. Maybe that would take my mind off of it.

I was home alone today. Sara was getting ready for dinner at her place. It was a formal dinner, so I was pulling on a pair of black slacks, a wine red shirt, a blazer, and a black bowtie.

I was finishing tying it when there was a knock on the door. “Come in.” I said as I folded my collar back down.

Jan plopped down on the couch. “Mind if I stay here for the night?”

“Nah man, it’s cool. Food in the fridge if you want some.” I said, taking her keys from the counter.

I’d have to buy a car soon, if I decided the pros were enough for me to selfishly stay with her.

“You okay?” Jan asked, watching me get ready.

“Not really.”

“What’s up?”

“I don’t deserve that girl.” I said with a small smile. “And this won’t work out. She wants more than I could give her, she doesn’t have to say it for me to know.”

Jan nodded. “You don’t want a family, or a wife, or any of that stuff most people want from life.”

“Right.”

“Maybe you’ll change your mind someday?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. But in time for her to still be waiting?”

Jan nodded. “I see your point.”

“You finally concede?”

“No. I think that this can work out. I just think that you’ve been thinking about this too hard to let anyone tell you differently. Look at things from a different angle tonight, and don’t think about breaking up with her. Girls can sense that.”

I rolled my eyes at her insight of girl voodoo. “I’ll see you tonight.”

I knocked on her door and waited patiently.

She opened it and I felt my jaw drop. She was in a strapless white dress that went to her knees and a red shawl. She did a little twirl for me and the dress spun out slightly, just like it would in a movie.

I quickly closed my mouth and smiled, holding my arm out for her.

Look at things from a different angle. I reminded myself.

I walked her to the car and held the door open for her, shutting it once she was inside.

I ran around to my side and got in, started the car, and drove.

We were having dinner at Jolt, the place where Sara and I had had our first date.

Caleb and his girlfriend were waiting for us, and I went up to the table and pulled the chair out for Sara. She smiled at me and sat down across from Caleb’s girlfriend. I sat across from Caleb.

“Glad you guys could make it.” He said, smiling at us. “This is Jess. Jess, this is my sister Devon, and her girlfriend Sara.”

I smiled at her and said, “Call me Dev, most everyone else does.”

“Nice to meet you both.” She said with a warm smile. She was pretty. Blonde with light blue eyes and a nice smile.

I took Sara’s hand on the table and marveled in that burning tingle her skin left against mine.

Dinner went like I thought it would. I liked his girlfriend, and we didn’t talk about much. Sara and I talked about how good the food was, all the techniques we thought they used, and about how the pastries were made. Jess was a good sport about it, and seemed genuinely interested in it.

Caleb talked about how he got a new apartment last week and Jess talked about her going to school to be a doctor.

Getting to know you talk, really. We got up after we paid and finally were ready to go. We said we should do it again and that it was nice meeting each other and all that good stuff. I hugged Caleb and Jess, surprisingly, hugged me too, which, after a moment of surprise, I reciprocated.

Sara and I were walking up to her door so I could say goodnight. We had already kissed and I should have been turning away, but I was just frozen there, watching her turn the handle to the door.

I thought about everything in that moment, just that short about of time for her to turn the doorknob, and I thought about everything.

The way her skin felt against mine. That smile she had when I offered her my jacket. Looking at the stars and how excited she got about it, how she had made up her own constellations. How she had always been there for me. Even the way she burned her marshmallows, like some demon spawn. Everything.

I grabbed her wrist and she turned to look at me curiously.

“I could list all the reason why this will never work. From you burning your marshmallows or eating pizza cold all the way to the fact that I’m not sure if I want to be married, let alone have kids ever in my life. I could list a thousand and one reasons why I shouldn’t be with you. I could tell you that you’re too good. That I whine too much. That I don’t have any real plans in my life. That I’ve got crazy ex one night stands and girlfriends. But I can also tell you the one reason this will work. There’s only one and it’s the only one that matters, it cancels out any other con in the book. This will work because I love you. I don’t know what I’ve been doing saying that I don’t, but I do. I love you a lot. I love you more than I thought people could love. I didn’t think it was like this. I didn’t think love would…feel so…overwhelming and big. I don’t know why I’m such an idiot and saying that I don’t love you and that I don’t believe in love when it’s just been this crazy huge thing building up inside of me and growing a little more every time I look at you or every time you smile. I love you Sara. And that’s why we’ll work. Not because you’re funny or cute or anything, but because I love you. I don’t know what I’ve been doing all this time, I just—”

“Shut up.” She whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me hard, leaving me stunned.

When I could think, I smiled into that crazy, passionate kiss and I grabbed her thighs, picking her up. I carried her though the door, her legs wrapped around my waist until I found the bed and we fell onto it together.

I stopped for a moment, looking at her, feeling my heart flutter against my ribcage.

Ribs, please don’t break. I thought, the idea seemed so real that it almost made me panic.

Sara was looking up at me, the two of us breathing hard.

Why was I so scared? I’d had sex before. I’d had sex with this woman before.

“Devon?”

“Yeah?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

“What’s wrong? We don’t have to—”

“It’s not that. I want to. I just…I’ve never…” Never what? Never what? “I’ve never made love to a girl before.” I whispered.

She smiled and cupped my face in her hands, pulling me down to kiss her. It was a kiss that I had never experienced before. One for the ages. That whole night was one for the ages.

-------------------------------

WHOA. DEVON IS IN MOTHERFUCKING LOVE.

I saw it coming.

Bet you did too.

Not as crazy as I thought it would be, but did you find HOW it all happened surprising?

I'll be honest, I'm a little bit in love with that whole 'Reasons why it won't work, but the ONE reason why it will' thing. Really in love. Hell, I'll marry that part.

Anyways, what did you guys think?

I hop you liked it!

I seriously want to hear some thoughts on this all though. First on to comment gets a cookie and my undying love? I'm a baker. I make delicious cookies. Molasses cookies, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, cnickerdoodles, peanut butter ones with hershey kisses. If you don't like cookies I have hot chocolate. If you don't like hot chocolate or cookies, your wrong, but you can still have my undying love. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK DAMMIT.