So, He Knows

Savannah

As you can tell, I had a panic attack. In front of Damon.

Who treated me like…an angel.

Nice? Yes.

A problem? You fucking bet.

Now Damon knows I’m fucked up and he saw a glimpse of just how badly.

Yes, he was kind enough to not just run away and leave me to get through it alone, but HE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW!!

When I woke up, it was late. My alarm clock read midnight and Percy was curled up next to me in my bed.

Uncle Jonah was in a chair next to my bed and they both looked rough.

Uncle Jonah was looking twenty years older than I had seen him the morning before.

But he was here, just coming off a twelve-hour shift, and I’m sure uncomfortable in that chair, but I knew he wouldn’t leave me until I forced him.

Until he knew I was okay.

They both wouldn’t.

The two family members I had left would never leave me. Never give up or say I was too much of a pain to deal with.

It wouldn’t matter how many nights they would lose sleep, or how stressed they got; never minding how bad I get or what’s going on in their own lives.

My uncle and cousin would be with me till the end—my ride or dies.

I felt the drugs still in my system, even rubbing my eyes to wake up enough to figure out the rules of the universe once more.

I could feel it in my blood, making me sluggish and weighed down.

Just like my problems, always taking the lift in my step and dragging me down.

As soon as I moved, Percy jumped off the bed and acted like I was fixing to attack him.

His back hit my dresser and shook it; he looked crinkled from sleeping in his school clothes and he even sported some wrinkles if I’m being honest.

“Hey, lay back down, Tigger, you’re okay.”

His hands up in defense and surrender.

Like I’m some wild animal about to maul him. Like I ever would.

“Yeah, I’m okay. You go to bed. I’ll get uncle. We have school in like six hours.”

I waved him off, plugging my phone in and taking my bra off under my shirt.

I sighed, thinking about how the hell I was going to face Damon after this. I knew he would have questions, and the answers I had I didn’t want to give anyone.

I also needed to know what happened after I passed out. How much else did he see?

My screen lit up as it connected with the charging port, showing texts from Damon.

Angel

Your pig made me go. Text me when you wake up.

Angel

I’m sorry about pushing you.

This made me cringe.

I shook my head and pulled at my roots.

“Uncle Jonah knows what exactly? About Damon and I?”

We both looked at him, still asleep in the chair, his mouth hanging open as he snored like a wildebeest.

His dirty-blond hair hanging back slightly from the haircut he was needing.

A river of drool was glued to his cheek and down his jaw.

Percy came around to sit with me on the bed, his head falling on my shoulder as he patted my arm in soft reassuring pats.

I was waiting.

It must be bad for him to not even laugh or make a joke. I could feel my stomach sinking and my heart shrinking away in a last-ditch effort to protect itself.

“I told dad you’re just friends. Well I didn’t, Damon did. Dad flipped when he saw us in your room.

“Damon yelled until he was red in the face that he was staying till you woke up, that he wasn’t leaving. It wasn’t right for him to go when he should be here.

“Dad…he said some stuff, they both did. Had a pissing contest. Then Dad threatened to arrest Damon if he didn’t get out, and stay away from you, us.”

There it was.

~FUCK.~

I knew it.

I knew something of this caliber would happen… There’s no way Uncle Jonah would be okay with it.

He said it himself that Damon and his father—that whole side of town—was a problem for him.

Percy warned me.

I knew it when I saw biker country.

I shook my head and pulled harder at my hair. I needed to fix this. I needed a way out. I needed to find a solution.

To put some peace between the three of us so I could be selfish.

I wanted to keep Damon.

No matter what was going on, who he is, what he does, who’s family he belongs to.

He hadn’t broken any of my rules.

Not really, right?

He said a shit comment about Percy, but after I corrected him…well we haven’t done much talking.

He had tried to one-up me but I would always fight back.

We could be friends, couldn’t we?

I took the sexual component out, now we just needed to build this up.

He couldn’t blackmail me, that’s a fucked-up way to start our friendship.

But maybe one day we could laugh about it.

As long as my family was safe, my stuff was fine and I wasn’t being bothered, then it was fine.

We were fine.

Damon and I could be fine.

If I could get uncle to see that, to understand, maybe we stood an actual chance to start this.

“When did he leave?”

I almost didn’t want to know.

“Dad asked me what happened. You know I can’t lie to him… I told him Damon and you have been hanging out.

“That you were going to see him today but he wanted to take you himself, he didn’t know about…~it~. That you had an attack, it was no one’s fault.”

My head started to hurt from the amount of pressure I was putting into this root yanking move to relieve some of this shit inside me.

I was starting to feel way too full.

I had so much inside me. So much bad that I was really, really wanting to let out.

If this was a year ago, I would simply take a razor to my thighs. I would feel the sting and watch the blood bubble and grow, but I had to stop that.

It wasn’t something I should have been doing from the start.

Now, I don’t know.

It’s not like I had a lot of ways to get it out.

I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I don’t laugh, or smile. I never liked anything else.

“I need, I need to… I need something. I can’t do this right now.”

I stood, scraping my scalp with my fingernails to feel something.

Something other than stress.

Then disappointment.

Something else than grief.

Than worry and fear and ~out of control~.

“What about some fresh air? I’ll tell Dad you’re okay and you can walk around the backyard for a minute?”

He pulled my hands away from my head and made me look at him.

I saw the same thing I’ve been seeing in both their fucking eyes.

Pity.

So much damn pity that it was taking over everything in our lives.

I nodded and walked out, braless, shoeless and consumed.

I walked downstairs, finding my way through the maze this house has become to me for the night.

When my hand took the handle of the black, sliding glass door and I felt the cool breeze of the night wash over me, I wished I could say it helped.

It did nothing.

The wet dew of the grass licked the bottom of my feet and slipped in between my toes.

The sky was starless, the moon hanging low and in a crescent.

The only light for our blanketed backyard.

The silver rays shimmered on my skin, making me light up like a disco ball.

I wanted to do something.

To fix this.

But I don’t know how.

Everything is so fucked.

My fist went into a tightly made white ball, and I wanted nothing more than to send it sailing at my own self.

I beat my brain to work right, to hit the pieces into place and Fonzie my head into working like some shitty jukebox.

I bent down, letting my head hang between my knees and doing the counting thing I was taught.

I listed what I’m grateful for and did the calming down treatments, but I couldn’t shake it.

So, like any mental illness, sometimes it wins, and tonight, right now, it won.

I punched and slapped at my head, punishing myself for this.

For all of it.

Hit, slap, hit, slap, cursing, hit, slap.

~Not enough.~

Going back in to send another punch to the throbbing, aching side of my head, a pair of warm hands wrapped me up, pinning me and hugging around me tighter than I could break.

“Savannah, baby girl, calm down. I’m not mad, I’m not mad. Neither is Percy. Breathe through this. You’re okay.”

My uncle’s voice hit me harder than anyone or anything.

He sounded just like my dad.

“Please let me go.” My voice jumped.

I felt the wobble of my bottom lip and the sting of fresh tears invade my eyes.

“You know I can’t do that when you’re like this. You’re okay, Savannah. This isn’t your fault, you don’t have to take this on alone.”

~Just like my dad.~

“Get off me! Please, Uncle!”

I didn’t want to break down. I had my time and now I needed to get over it.

I needed to fix this broken bit inside me.

“I miss them too, baby girl. It’s okay to miss them, to mourn them. I’m here, Percy’s here.”

As he said it, I felt another pair of arms wrap me up and the bundle of blond locks scratch my arm.

“You’re not alone. You’re okay.”

“We’re here for you—always, Van.”

The floodgates broke—hot wet tears fell from my eyes like the bastards that they are.

“No. I’m not doing this.” I shook my head stubbornly as if my body was giving me a choice.

Uncle Jonah and Percy didn’t say anything back, they just held onto me and hugged me.

Randomly cleaning my face as I cried harder and harder.

Still never feeling that peace they say you have when you work the steps of loss.

It’s been nine months now and nothing felt better.

It wasn’t numb like in the beginning.

It wasn’t empty like when I first came home.

It wasn’t…me.

This isn’t the life I know.

Knew.

My world ended when that tire blew.

I can say all I want about maybe I wouldn’t feel like this if Mom hadn’t drowned, if she had made it to the embankment, or if Morgan had survived the pneumonia.

I was a daughter and a sister and now I’m neither.

***

I don’t know how long I was out there.

But eventually I fell asleep, or maybe I passed out again.

The next time I woke up, Uncle Jonah was tucking me in, fixing the blanket over me and kissing my forehead goodnight.

“I’m sorry, Uncle,” I whispered out, knowing he would hear me.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”

He did the same thing Percy had done and patted my arm.

“I’m selfish, Uncle. I’ve always been, but now I think it’s worse.”

I felt the hollow shell of my soul shatter and chip at the confession.

“Why would you say that?”

The bed dipped under his weight.

“For a lot of reasons.” I squeezed my swollen eyes tighter.

“Name one,” he challenged.

“The fact I am so selfishly caught up in thinking about how I lost my father, my mother and my brother, that I don’t think about the fact you lost your brother, your sister and your nephew.”

The words I spoke, even though cold.

Were the truth.

Uncle Jonah lost his older brother.

Lost his sister-in-law and his only nephew.

Morgan was named after him.

Not even going into the fact he got stuck with me in all of this.

“Savannah, you are the least selfish person I have met. Selfish people don’t recognize their own selfishness. Nor do they feel guilty for it.”

He ran his hand on my shoulder just like Percy and waited.

“I’m always going to be broken, ain’t I? I’m not going to be able to fix this.”

The silence felt heavy—it being my answer.

“Not tonight. But eventually, you won’t be so raw and cut open. It will get better. We will heal and only bear the scars instead of the wounds.”