: Chapter 19

Sara came into the kitchen still in her nightgown. Since her fertile days two weeks ago, we hadn’t had sex again, but I had thought about it often. Having seen Sara’s passionate side and knowing I could bring it out had definitely changed how I saw her—how I allowed myself to see her. But I hadn’t made a move toward Sara and she hadn’t approached me either. Maybe for her the sex had really only been about the baby, even if she’d enjoyed it. She hadn’t faked enjoying it. She’d been too wet for that.

One look at her face told me she didn’t have good news. “I’m not pregnant. I got my period today.”

“Maybe next time,” I said. Part of me wasn’t sad. I definitely wanted to have sex with Sara again and this gave me the opportunity, no matter how sad of a reality it was that my wife only wanted me close for reproduction.

Sara released a small sigh and sank down across from me. “Maybe two times wasn’t enough. The fertile window can be up to four days long. Next time we should give it more attempts.”

“Of course,” I said. She wouldn’t have to convince me to sleep more often with her. Now that she enjoyed it, I wouldn’t mind having sex every day. Fuck, I wanted to fuck her now. She looked absolutely gorgeous with her bed hair and the thin silk nightgown.

But unless something changed drastically, my hand would have to do the job until Sara gave the go again in two weeks.

“I don’t have to work today,” I said. “Do you want to spend the day together?”

Surprise crossed her face. “Sure.” Then she grimaced. “I’m supposed to meet with Greta for lunch.”

Greta and Sara had started doing things together, and they seemed to get along quite well.

“I could ask Amo to join us, then we can do a double date.”

Sara blinked at me. “That would be our first public date.”

I nodded. We hadn’t gone out as a couple yet, except for the social functions we were forced to attend. We hadn’t even shared a nice dinner yet. Movie night was our go to date night. It didn’t require us to talk and possible encounter any awkwardness. Maybe it was a good thing to start as a double date so things couldn’t get awkward.

I gave Amo a call and we decided to make a couples weekend at the holiday house of Amo’s family in the Hamptons. Since Amo was my boss too, he could tell me to take another day off. I didn’t mind having the entire weekend for Sara.

Sara and I quickly packed our bags before we headed out. In the car, I turned up the music to my favorite Metallica album Kill ’Em All. The first chords of “Hit the Lights” came on, Sara slanted me a look.

“What is it?” she asked.

My eyebrows climbed my forehead. “Metallica.”

“Oh, I only know ‘Nothing else matters’ from them. This piece is new to me.”

I shook my head. “Then you don’t know their best work. I often listen to them when I work, and in the car. I like other music too but they are my staple.” I fell silent.

Sara watched me with a small smile.

“If you don’t like it, we can switch to something you enjoy,” I said with a shrug.

“No, I think it’s nice to get to know this part of you.”

“What’s your favorite music?”

Sara flushed. “You’ll laugh.”

“I won’t.”

“Taylor Swift. I love her music.”

“It fits you. I didn’t expect you to listen to Heavy Metal or Grunge.”

Sara let out a small laugh. The sound was beautiful and when her face lit up like that, it made her look even more kissable. She was kissable all over. I wanted to do it more often. Fuck, I just wanted to lean over and kiss her senseless right now. But my moment of hesitation allowed by my brain to infuse all kinds of worries in my head that stopped me.

I wondered when our past wouldn’t hang like a Damocles sword over our heads anymore.

Sara relaxed in the seat and looked out of the window. Then she turned back to me. “I hope you don’t mind if I just look out of the window? I love to just watch the scenery pass by when I’m in a car.”

“Not at all,” I said.

The silence that ensued wasn’t uncomfortable like many of our past. It was deliberate, not out of awkwardness and lack of topics to discuss.

When we pulled up in front of the house, Amo’s car was already parked in front. I had visited his family’s mansion in the Hamptons only a couple of times. It was usually a place where he and his family went to unwind. We’d once organized a party there, though, and his father had been majorly pissed when he’d found out.

“I’m always in awe when I come here. It’s just a beautiful place,” Sara said.

I jumped out of my truck and opened the door for Sara. “Is this something you’d want?” I wasn’t sure why I was asking. A house in the Hamptons, even a much smaller one than this, was currently not in my budget. Not to mention that I didn’t feel like I belonged in the Hamptons. I loved the woodsy less posh area where my parents lived. I loved that nobody complained when I wandered through the woods without a shirt, when my dog barked out of joy, and that nobody told us what to do on our own premises. Not that Luca ever gave a fuck what the HOA said, but just the fact that an association like that existed in the neighborhood was reason enough for me not to consider buying a house there.

“A place in the Hamptons?” she asked with wide eyes.

I hoped she didn’t think it was actually on the menu.

She shook her head. “I like to come here once or twice a year because it’s just a place where I spent many summer days as a child, but this isn’t a place I want or need.”

I grabbed our luggage from the trunk, trying not to show my relief over Sara’s reply. We went to the front door and rang the bell. Nobody answered.

“Maybe they’re in the garden?”

“Maybe,” I said. I was sure that Amo had an alarm on his phone that alerted him of visitors.

I entered the code into the keypad and it glowed green before the lock released. Sara made a move as if to open the door but I touched her arm.

“Stay behind me. I want to make sure everything’s all right.”

Concern crossed her face. “Do you think something happened?” She swallowed hard. “That someone’s in there?”

“I doubt it but I won’t risk anything.” Our gazes locked and Sara gave a small nod, then she lightly touched my arm, before she stepped behind me. This small touch made my heart beat faster. It had almost felt like a hint of absolution.

I pulled my gun before I opened the door and stepped into the wide entrance hall with the wide staircase. It was absolutely silent inside. Slowly, Sara and I made our way into the mansion.

When we reached the panorama windows overlooking the premises and the ocean, and we still hadn’t found Amo or Greta I began to get suspicious for a very different reason. I didn’t think this had something to do with an attack. I knew Amo could hardly think about anything but Greta and had trouble keeping his hands off her.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised when I spotted Amo and Greta coming out of the small boat house at the pier a few minutes later. Amo was still closing his belt, and Greta was smoothing her hair down.

“Oh,” Sara said when she realized what was up. Her face turned red, and she gave me an awkward smile. “Maybe they would have preferred to be alone here.”

“We won’t stop them from getting it on, trust me.”

Sara let out a tight laugh.

Greta and Amo entered the living room through the french windows. After brief hugs, Greta said, “Have you picked a bedroom yet?”

Sara’s eyes widened slightly. Fuck. I hated admitting that my wife and I still didn’t share a bed. I trusted Amo, but even I felt embarrassed by the state of my marriage at this point.

“We’re picking one now,” I said firmly. I’d given Sara plenty of time but I had a feeling she wouldn’t do the next step if I didn’t push her. It had been the same with our sex life. I wanted things to progress. I wanted my wife by my side at night. End of story.

“Come on,” Maximus held out his hand and I took it. I was surprised that Maximus wanted to share a bedroom with me. Maybe it was only for appearance’s sake?

His hand was warm around mine. His grip firm but not too firm. He led me upstairs then stopped in the hallway and faced me. “I want to share a bed. I’m your husband and I’m done living like roommates. I don’t expect you to have sex with me but I want us to share a bed.”

I wished he hadn’t added the last part because I would have really like to have sex again, even if I wasn’t fertile.

“That’s okay,” I said simply. “The second bedroom on the left is my favorite.”

We stepped into the bright room. It had a splendid look over the premises and the ocean. The king-sized bed and the decorations were kept in a maritime style, with lots of white and blues, shells and seagulls as decorations. I loved the place.

Maximus watched me. “If you’re okay with sharing a bed, why did you never suggest it before?”

I turned around fully. “I don’t know. I felt awkward. I wasn’t sure if that’s what you wanted. Why didn’t you?”

“Sara, you’re my wife. And I want to act like your husband, not just be him on paper. And the reason I just don’t decide these things is our past. Of course I could just tell you to share a bed with me, but I need to know you’re okay with it.”

Now, I regretted not having brought up the matter a couple of weeks ago like I’d intended to do. “I am.”

He released a low breath. “I need you to tell me if you’re okay with other things too. I don’t want to push you.”

“I know, and I’ll try to be more proactive. I like that you kissed me that day at your parents. I wouldn’t mind if you do it more often.”

“All right,” he said and stepped up to me. He cupped my cheeks, tilted my head up, lowered his head slowly, and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. I smiled, amazed at how good this small gesture felt.

He cleared his throat, his amber eyes locked on mine, and slowly pulled back. Then he stopped before the distance between us grew too much, and with a small chuckle, he bent down and kissed me again. “I needed another one. Now I’ll get our luggage.”

I nodded. When he’d disappeared out of the door, I released a small breath and touched my lips. Closing my eyes, I enjoyed this moment of utter contentment.

“Sara?” Greta called.

I stepped out into the hallway just when Greta came up the staircase. She’d straightened her short dark hair. Part of it had burned off when she’d been attacked a few months ago. The mafia world was cruel, especially to women. She looked good with shorter hair, though. Her pretty doll face always looked good.

“We want to make a bonfire and roast marshmallows and hot dogs.”

I raised my eyebrows. “That doesn’t sound vegan.” I wasn’t an expert on vegan food, but since I’d started to become friends with Greta, I’d done some research.

“They’re not. But I got vegan marshmallow and vegan mini wieners for myself, and you’ll have the non-vegan version.”

We headed downstairs together. Maximus and Amo were outside, stacking logs in the big firepit close to the pier.

Greta and I began to prepare the hot dogs and a tray with marshmallows. She pulled out a bottle of red wine from the cabinet. “I’m in the mood for mulled wine. What about you?”

I hesitated. Alcohol wasn’t really beneficial if I wanted to get pregnant, but I had my period anyway, so it was still some time before my next fertile window rolled around.

Greta furrowed her brows. “Are you pregnant?” Her voice was curious and neutral, but I wondered if this was a hard topic for her, considering what had happened to her. She would never be able to carry a baby, and the idea almost brought tears to my eyes, but I didn’t want to ruin our evening by becoming overly emotional, especially since Greta wasn’t prone to emotional outbursts.

I shook my head with a tight smile. “No, I’m not.”

“Was it rude of me to ask?”

“We’re friends, it’s okay.” But I knew it could soon become a very loaded question.

Greta regarded me, the bottle of wine still in her hand. “I won’t ask again.”

“Let’s drink mulled wine.” We warmed the wine with some spices before we poured it into four cups and moved out. The men had started a fire and lounged on the wooden chairs around the firepit.

I handed Maximus a mug and sank into the chair beside him with my mug. Amo pulled Greta on his lap and wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Cheers,” Maximus said, raising his mug. We all did the same, then took a sip. The warmth and tartness of the mulled wine helped with the bout of jealousy I felt at the easygoing affection those two shared. Maximus caught my eyes, and with the way the flames reflected in his amber eyes, they seemed to burn. I gave him a reassuring smile.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

I nodded. The sun was setting on the horizon. Soon, it was getting cold despite the fire.

Maximus rose to his feet and went back to the mansion, only to return with three blankets shortly after. He draped one over my legs.

“Thank you.”

Then he handed one to Greta before he sank down in his chair and covered his legs with the last blanket.

“Hey, what about me?” Amo asked with raised eyebrows.

“Greta has a blanket, and you have Greta,” Maximus said pointedly.

I stifled laughter.

Amo leaned back with a challenging look. “You could use your wife as a source of warmth too.”

I flushed. Greta turned to Amo and gave him a questioning look. Gathering my courage, I got up. Maximus’s alarmed expression told me he thought I was about to leave. I was sensitive, but not that bad. “I wouldn’t mind some additional warmth.”

Maximus’s expression morphed to confusion, then surprise. He raised the blanket, and I sank down on his lap. I leaned slightly against his back and tugged my legs up. It felt good but mostly strange and awkward, especially because Greta and Amo were watching us. It wasn’t as physically uncomfortable as I thought. Maximus was broad and tall, so he could easily accommodate me, but his hard muscles didn’t really invite snuggling. Maximus covered us with his blanket. Silence fell over us as we drank more wine and ate marshmallows and wieners.

Eventually, I grew tired. When I had my period, I always needed more sleep.

“I’ll go to bed if you don’t mind,” I said quietly and climbed off his lap. Maximus rose to his feet as well.

“You don’t have to come.”

“I won’t let you go by yourself,” Maximus said.

“The premises are highly guarded. Nobody comes in without us knowing,” Amo said.

Maximus scowled at him. Greta had fallen asleep on his lap and was curled up like a cat against him. “I won’t risk anything. She won’t be alone in the house. Or would you leave Greta without protection ever again?”

Darkness passed Amo’s face. He nodded, and a look of understanding passed between him and Maximus. They had both failed to protect someone in their eyes. Our situations were different, but I supposed their guilt was the same.

I understood guilt and how irrational it could be

“Let’s go,” Maximus rumbled as he turned back to me. He lightly touched my back as we walked to the house. When we moved up the stairs, I remembered that we wouldn’t split up like we usually did. Tonight, we’d share a bed for the first time.

Nerves made my belly cramp. It was funny that I was nervous about something as mundane as sleeping in the same bed when we’d already had sex.

I headed to the en suite bathroom right away to get changed, hoping to calm myself that way. Our relationship had been at an absolute standstill for a long time, but suddenly, it was progressing quickly, and sometimes it was difficult for my brain to catch up.

When I’d packed my bag, I hadn’t considered that someone would see me in my pajamas. I wasn’t someone who walked around the house in their pj’s when I shared it with people I didn’t know that well yet—like Amo and Greta. I could probably have included Maximus too, even if our interactions grew more frequent and warmer. I always got dressed before I left my bedroom. I had two options to choose from: comfy, red-and-white-checkered flannel pajamas or a thin nightgown. Sometimes I got hot flashes when I had my period, so I’d chosen to pack the latter, but it seemed too revealing. Maybe I would have picked it if I wasn’t on my period, but even then, I would have probably opted for the safer option.

When I emerged from the bathroom, Maximus was only in his jeans. The sight of his upper body let heat rise into my cheeks. My eyes registered the outline of a new tattoo on his back. The only tattoo there so far was a paw on one shoulder and a continuation of the forest scene on the other. Now, there was an outline of an oak tree, our oak tree, and a snake wrapped around the roots of the tree, its head rising all the way up to the crown.

It wasn’t filled out yet, but it would be an impressive tattoo once it was done.

“Why the snake?” I asked.

Maximus turned to me. “The snake symbolizes my sins and the tree the consequences of them. It’s a warning and a memorial.”

I bit my lip and nodded slowly. “I told you I don’t blame you.”

Maximus gave me a tight smile. “I know. And I’ll still spend the rest of my life making amends for what I did.”

He walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I sighed.

I wondered how I could free him of his guilt. I blamed the men who captured us, our world, the Bratva, but not Maximus. His guilt would stop us from moving on. But who was I to tell him about letting go of his guilt when I still blamed myself for losing our baby? Guilt was toxic; it was insistent and difficult to get rid of.

I slipped under the covers but didn’t grab the book I’d taken with me for my bedtime reading. Isa had recommended it to me, and I really enjoyed it, but it would be rude to read when Maximus and I shared a bed for the first time. Right?

I blew out a breath and regarded my fingers on the white covers. I needed to get a new manicure. When I started pottery, I turned to acryl gel because even pottery couldn’t get rid of it. My nail polish usually chipped off within an hour of being at the potter’s wheel. I didn’t realize Maximus was beside the bed until he spoke up, “Is something wrong with your fingers?”

“I need to get French nails again,” I said, then flushed because it was such a stupid thing to say, vain and completely irrelevant to Maximus.

He sank down on the bed beside me with a deep frown. “Aren’t there any good nail places around here?”

I blinked at him, then burst out laughing. “They’re not from France. It’s just the style.”

He chuckled. “Ahh. I don’t know much about makeup and that stuff.”

“It’s all right. You don’t have to.” My smile became a bit tighter when my nerves rose again. Maximus wore only black boxers, revealing his impressive muscles. He slipped under the covers but left a gap between us. I scrambled for something halfway intelligent to say. We’d been married for over a year, but this moment right here showed we still had a lot of work to do to become a real married couple.

Maximus nodded toward the book on my nightstand. “You can read. I don’t mind.”

“What about you?”

Maximus leaned back against the headboard. “I usually only go to bed to sleep, or…” From the look on his face, I knew what he was referring to.

“Oh, I’m actually really tired, so I don’t even want to read anymore.”

My face felt as if it would combust at any moment.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Get some sleep.”

He stretched out on his back and rested his hands on his stomach. I doubted he could sleep like that. It looked incredibly uncomfortable.

I scooted down and turned on my side, facing him because it would have seemed rude to turn my back on him. He slanted me a look. “Is this weird?” he asked.

I bit my lower lip. “It’s new. And weird.” I let out a laugh, relieved he had mentioned it.

“It’ll get better.” His brows drew together as if he wasn’t sure that was true.

“If we work on it and share a bed at our apartment as well,” I said softly.

Maximus turned on his side. “You want to share a bed at home?” At home… I never called it that. Maybe because it hadn’t felt like that since I hadn’t put any work into it. But I wanted a child to live there, so it should be a home.

“We could try if tonight goes well and you don’t steal my blanket or kick me?” I gave him a hesitant smile.

His lips pulled into a small smile. Cautious hope brightened his eyes. “I’ll do my best,” he said in that low, deep voice that enthralled me more and more every day.

I wasn’t sure what I would have done if I weren’t on my period, but I was glad that I didn’t have to find out how brave I was.

I was woken in the middle of the night by Maximus tossing and turning in bed. He was mumbling in his sleep, incoherent words, but they rang with distress. It took my sleepy mind a couple of minutes to realize Maximus was having a nightmare.

I touched Maximus’s shoulder, and as expected, he woke immediately. He sat up abruptly, causing my hand to slip off his shoulder. I turned on the lamp. Squinting against the sudden brightness, I watched Maximus’s face. He was sweaty, and a deep frown pulled at his brows.

“You had a nightmare.”

“I did.”

I licked my lips, nervous. “Have you always suffered from nightmares?”

Maximus smiled darkly. “No. I had a couple of nightmares after the dogs attact my brother and me, and then for a very long time, nothing. Until the thing with Jabba happened. After that, nightmares are part of my nights.”

I put my hand on his. “I’m sorry. You always seem so tough, so I keep forgetting that you have to deal with your own trauma from that day.”

Maximus curled his fingers around my hand. “You don’t have to worry about me, alright? My trauma, or whatever you want to call it, is nothing. Definitely nothing I want you to waste your energy on. I want you to get past your trauma. That’s all that matters to me.”

Even though I was touched by his words and tempted to bury myself in my own trauma as I had done previously, I didn’t want that for us anymore.

“That’s not how it should be in a marriage. I want you to know that your feelings matter to me, and I want to take them into consideration. I know I haven’t done a good job of that in the past.”

Maximus didn’t contradict me. Instead, he tried to lighten the mood. “Does waking you up with my nightmare equal stealing your blanket?”

“No. I still want to share a bed with you at home.”