Chapter 41

The Unwanted Bride Of Atticus Fawn Chapter 41 “I don’t think now is the right time to ask that question,” I tell him, trying to remain calm. He was making it very hard for me, however. He doesn’t realize yet that he wasn’t prepared to hear the answer to that question.

I’ve kept my feelings for him hidden for a long time. Atticus doesn’t know how much he means to me; that’s why he doesn’t understand why I would put myself in danger to protect him. He also didn’t realize that I would do it again in the blink of an eye as long as it concerned him.

“Tell me.” He growls.

I chose to remain quiet. My hands tightened into fists at my sides. I was fighting back the urge to tell him the truth. I’d managed to keep it a secret all these years, but he was digging it out from under me.

If he continued to ask, it was only a matter of time before I snapped. I had to get out of there before I caved and regretted it for the rest of my life.

Before he could ask again, I spun around, ready to leave. My hands are already on the door handle when he stops me.

“Answer me, damn it. Why Autumn? Why did you do it?” He demands. “You don’t get to run away from this. I want you to tell me the truth. Can’t you do that much for me?”

Can’t I do that much for him? What kind of question was that? Does he even know the extent of what I’d do just for him?

I slowly turn back around and face him with a fierce gaze.

“Are you sure you want to know the answer to your question?” I ask him. I needed to confirm that he truly wanted to hear the answer before I went ahead and said the one thing that I knew would completely change our relationship for life.

His jaw clenches, “tell me. Explain to me why the hell you would jump in front of me like that knowing that Carter and his teammates could have attacked you to get to me! You knew that you could have gotten seriously injured by them, but you still chose to protect me. Tell me, why?”

That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I could feel the truth pulling out of me. It threatened to destroy my peace and take everything from me as it continued to rise. I’ve kept this secret for so long that it’s become a part of me. But I couldn’t stop myself from telling him this time. It was too late for that.

“Because I love you!” I scream.

There is a deafening silence right after those words hit the both of us; hard.

His eyes widen when my words finally sunk in, but I don’t plan on stopping there. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell him. This wasn’t how I wanted him to discover that I loved him, but he’d forced it out of me. He wanted to know so badly that the truth flew straight out of my body.

If Atticus had just taken the time to pay attention to me, he wouldn’t have been this shocked by my response. Anyone could tell how much I loved him if they’d stopped and looked at me whenever I was around him.

“I’ve loved you for years. Since the first day I saw you, you were the only one I’ve ever wanted. No other man could ever make me feel how you made me feel. I had to suffer and watch you love Anya for years; I had to force myself to be happy for both of you because she was my best friend, and you were the man I was in love with. Both of your happiness always meant more to me than my own.”

Atticus is quiet as he listens to my words. I can see the shock on his face. He didn’t know. He had no idea that I had loved him all this time.

“You have no idea how hard it’s been for me seeing you with her. It hurt even more that I couldn’t hate her because of it. It hurt more because I loved Anya as my sister. I felt guilty the entire time while being her friend because I knew it was wrong to love you when she was your girlfriend and mate. It didn’t stop the pain I felt every time you chose her over me. I saw you first. I fell for you first. But still, she was the one that you wanted first. She was the one that caught your attention, not me.”

I take a deep breath, fighting back the tears. I’ve held this inside for so long. I’ve kept everything from Atticus and everyone that loved me this entire time. I was too scared and ashamed of myself ever to admit it. I don’t know why I was finally letting it out. I wanted to wait for the right time. Why didn’t I wait? And why couldn’t I stop talking?

“I used to be lost in the background, loving you from afar. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.

That’s why when the discussion for the wedding came forward; I chose to say no because I knew you didn’t want to marry me. I knew that marrying me would make you unhappy, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want you to be unhappy because of me. I know everything about you, what you love, what you hate, your favorite color, and your favorite food. I know everything because, as I said, I love you, and I wanted to know everything that you loved as well.”

Atticus inhales sharply, but he still hasn’t said a word to me. I’m not giving him a chance, either. I wanted to get everything off my chest before I gave him a chance to break my heart.

“When I discovered that I was going to marry you, I was both happy and sad. Happy that I will get the chance to be next to you every day for the rest of my life. I was selfish; I wanted that. But still, I wasn’t heartless; I chose not to accept that wedding out of my love for you and Anya. But when you insisted on marrying me, I couldn’t say no to you. Because you said that you wanted the wedding to happen, I couldn’t turn you down. Marrying you has always been a dream of mine. I know to others, it might be a stupid dream, but to me, it wasn’t. Marrying you and having beautiful children together, getting the chance to raise a family with you. I’ve dreamt of it all, Atticus. If I didn’t marry you, I would have never married another man; that’s how loyal I’ve been to you since the start.”

I couldn’t stop the tears this time. I was reliving everything, every time he broke my heart, every time I broke my own heart by wanting him when he was off-limits. I don’t know where I’m getting the strength to continue, but I know that I wanted him to know everything. I didn’t want to keep anything from him anymore. I wanted him to know how I truly felt for him from the beginning.

“Then we got married, and it was like a fairytale until I realized how far from a fairytale marrying you truly was. I was reminded every day of how much you loved Anya. I was reminded every day that you loved her and not me. You kept leaving me and running to her. You kept forgetting me and protecting her. From the start, I’ve seen you as this perfect man. I’ve seen you as the type of person that could do no wrong. I thought I knew you that well. I saw how loyal you’ve always been to Anya and how you would do anything to make her smile. You protected her more than anyone else in your life. She always came first, and even though it hurt, I admired that about you. I saw the way you always respected your parents no matter what they said to you; I saw the way you protected your siblings. Everything you did always amazed me. I knew that you wouldn’t ever cheat on me after we got married. I knew that you were too much of a good person to do that to me. But there were times when I started to doubt you, times when I wasn’t sure if the smart thing to do was to trust you.”

“Autumn—,” he whispers. He spoke so softly that I wasn’t sure if I’d heard correctly.

“You broke my heart,” I say in a broken voice. “You broke my heart when I saw the video of you and Anya on our engagement night. You broke my heart when you ran to protect her when she fainted on our wedding day. I was right there. We’d just gotten married, you’d just said your vows to me, and you’d just placed the ring on my finger, but you still ran to her the moment that you realized she was hurt. And you kept on hurting me after that. There were times when I felt that you had some feelings for me, and your actions towards me fooled me. Then Anya would be distressed, and you would leave me again to be by her side, to take care of her and protect her. Each time you were scared that Anya was in pain, that Anya was taking everything badly, but not once did you think about how I felt when you took care of her and forgot about me.”

There was a strained look on his face as he listened without interrupting me again.

The tears are flowing more now. These things have broken my heart so badly that it hurts to even talk about them.

“Then the night at the spring happened. I was drunk when it took place, but I still remembered everything so clearly when I woke up. It was the first time I’d shown you how vulnerable I was. It was the first time you saw how much I wanted you. Instead of embracing me and taking what I was offering to you, you stopped anything from happening. You didn’t touch me the way I wanted you to touch me. I thought that you had a good reason for doing it; I was sure that you were such a decent person that you didn’t let things go further because you wanted to make sure that you weren’t taking advantage of me in the state that I was in. I was convinced you were such a good person that you wouldn’t intentionally deceive or hurt me.”

He knows where I’m going with this; I can see it in his eyes.

“When I saw Anya hugging you that night after you promised me that you wouldn’t meet her, I cried myself to sleep and woke up on the cold ground. But my torture wouldn’t end there. Not long after, Anya sent me a voice note of you promising her so many things on our wedding day. On our wedding day. Then it occurred to me that you didn’t touch me on the night of the spring because you were keeping your promise to her. I didn’t think a voice note could hurt me as much as that one did. I felt like I didn’t know you anymore. The image I had of you in my head was broken. I knew I had to confront you about it because it bothered me. I was hoping you would come up with some excuse that could save the image I had of you. I didn’t want you to be someone else; I didn’t want you to be different from the man I always thought you were. But you didn’t stop hurting me there. You broke my heart once again when you left me at Austin’s home and went running to Anya. I sent you the voice note that night; I waited for you to listen to it. You saw how much I was hurting, but the moment you heard that Anya’s life was in danger, you left me there without a second thought. That was the last thing that did it for me. I knew I had to protect my heart from loving you after that last incident.”

Atticus looks distraught, and I’m glad that he didn’t look unbothered because I was pouring out my heart to him. I wanted him to realize how much he’d messed up our marriage with his actions. I wanted him to know how badly he’d hurt me.

“I know it’s a long answer after the question you asked me, but you’re the one that asked. You wanted to know why I put my life in danger to save yours; this is the reason. Because even though you have broken my heart a million times since the day I fell in love with you, I still choose to protect you because I love you. No matter what you do, I’ll always love you. But that doesn’t mean that I will accept you the way I would have done in the past. You’ve done too much to me in a small space of time, too much that it’s hard for me to love you as freely as I did in the past. My heart is guarded now, and it will stay that way until I feel safe around you. Until my heart feels safe around you.”

I wiped the tears from my face, and even though I wanted to run to him to hear what he had to say in response to my words, I did the opposite. I turned and ran out of his room.

Clarissa calls out to me, and Anya smiles as she sees the tears in my eyes, but I don’t pay any attention to them. I ran straight out of the hospital and into the jeep as I let out all the tears I’d been holding back.

Atticus knew the truth now.

He knew how much I loved him.

The secret was out in the open now, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

What would he think of me now? Would he hate me for loving him while he was with Anya? Would he believe I was a horrible person and friend for wanting him when he was in love with her?

I held a hand over my heart.

It had to be said. It came out sooner than I wanted it to. But at least Atticus knew the truth now. It was up to him to decide what he wanted to do with that information.

I just hoped he didn’t break my heart any more than he’d already done in the past.