Chapter 3 - Stuck

(Trigger warning: this chapter contains a discourse about self doubt that may be triggering to some readers)

Iris' POV

In the weeks that followed my studies have kept me rather busy yet when I finally had a moment to breath I couldn't help but getting stuck inside my own head struggling to free myself from my grasp. You could never imagine what goes through it! My mind is such an unusual place that not even I can understand it.

I allowed myself to fall backwards into my bed, my breath momentarily getting knocked out of my body with a small oof sound. I massaged my temples trying to quiet my racing thoughts all competing for my attention. As much as I recognized the futility of it I still had to give it a try. Music is usually my saving grace but to make things so much better they had stopped working. A frustrated sigh escaped my lips. "Such an amazing timing." I muttered sarcastically. Unable to go back to a positive state of mind I let my feelings wash over me their intensity almost drowning me. My only life line a paper and pen so I could spill my whirlwind of emotions into the pages. Letting the waves of ink getting structured into something comprehensible.

"Why is it that I'm always the one left behind? Taken for granted, used, friendzoned ... What makes everyone else worth it but not me? Am I that bad? That exhausting? That boring? Why am I not worth the effort?

This is the truth even for my family, even they think like that ... I was never allowed freedom ... I was never treated equally even before I came out ... Why is that?

I know I'm different! I know I'm not perfect! No one is! Perfection is nothing more than an illusion society shoves in people's faces so that they will try to reach this impossible standard. Either by buying beauty products, slimming ones, work themselves half to death ... All this and more so that we end up hating ourselves for not being up to the expectation.

Why would anyone even want to be perfect? It sounds so boring! Not being able to make mistakes for fear of loosing their status. People are perfectly imperfect that's what makes them so interesting! They're human! Is that so bad?

I feel so out of place in society ... I don't see the need to try and be perfect or to fit in or even label myself! I don't mind being an outsider walking among humans. It seems fitting since it matches the way they make me feel. So I don't make an effort to be like. They're so full of hate at the smallest difference. It's heartbreaking!

I like being myself no matter how imperfect I may seem to others, no matter how many scars I wear on my skin, how many more wounds I get, they all heal sooner or later and I come out of it stronger! I'm a warrior!

I went through so much in the limited time I lived ... Most people wouldn't believe me if I tried to tell them but then again I was never much of a talker.

I am unapologetically myself and most people can't handle it, very few are willing to even take a chance to try and get to know me, and so far only a couple of people actually chose to stay around, even if they're not close to me anymore.

Why are most humans so complicated and greedy? Why is it that what they have is never enough? Why are they always looking for the next thing? Why are there so many of them that refuse to appreciate what they have?

Why are there so little of us that dare to be different? That don't care to be like anyone else ... That don't want to fit in, that aren't trying to be perfect or that have weird minds and think differently ...

Why is it so difficult to find someone that sees me for who I am and still wants to stick around? Why am so different that no one seems to think I am worth the effort? Why is it that I always have to rebuild myself on my own?

Are they right? Am I really no good? Am I really that damaged that any effort put on me is wasted?

I don't really know how to be anyone else and I don't want to ...

I'm not good with people ... Animals and kids are easier to understand and to be around. They don't judge or hate unless they're taught to. They love unconditionally, that way to love that we try to learn our whole lives. We were all kids once, so why did we lose our ability to love without conditions? Why are we so conditioned to think a certain way? Why are we so conditioned to hate yet somehow we keep searching for love? I know I am ... But it doesn't seem like I'm enough to love! Why is that?"

As I finished writing I sighed in relief, feeling lighter. "I guess I have been bottling things up for far too long." I took a deep breath encouraging myself to read it over.

"That was a huge rambling." I chuckled to myself. "Guess this is one for the books." A half smile formed in my face as I closed my notebook and put it away.

"Guess society still managed to leave a mark on me." I mumbled almost inaudibly taking a note to work on my self doubt.

I got up and stretched my muscles responding positively to the action. I quickly changed into my workout clothes a white sport's bra with a black great north hoodie over it, black basketball shorts and my trusty sneakers.

I took a walk to the park enjoying the crisp autumn air. There was something about it that I always loved, it wasn't only the way the tress changed color from a vivid green into eye catching oranges and reds until they finally turn a fragile brown. The leaves filling the streets and producing satisfying crunching sounds when stepped on. I breathed in the smell of heavy rain that hang in the air, that was accompanied by angry dark clouds that threathned to overflow and pour down on any lost soul wandering around.

I finally reached the park recognizing a couple of the regulars there, some of them I knew well since they sometimes liked to free run with me. Today that was the reason I found myself wanting to come here I was craving the feeling it gave me.

I approached a few of the guys that were warming up. "Can I join you?" They all looked me over. Some of them seemed to recognize me. "Aren't you the instructor everyone's been talking about?" I blinked twice furrowing my brows uncertain of how to answer. "Uhm ... Maybe?" I managed awkwardly. Someone from the back of the group pushed her way to the front, giving me a once over. "Yes it's definitely her." Was the answer given with a smile. The guy who had asked me the question turned to the much smaller girl "I see what you m..." He got elbowed in the ribs. While rubbing the now sored spot he had a look on his face that made him seem like a puppy that just got kicked. "Ouch what was that for?" The small tornado of a girl which I recognized from my classes glared at him. "You know why Gavin." She chanced a glance at me a slight blush on her skin. Gavin raised his hands defensively, taking a peek at me. "My bad G."

I cut the tension by addressing the girl. "Hey Gabriella right?" I extended my hand for her to shake but to my surprise she it aside pulling me in for a tight hug instead. The guys started wolf calling making her pull away to flip them off. "Yes but you can call me Gaby or G." She gave me a shy smile revealing her cute dimples. I returned her smile kindly. "My name is Íris." "I know." Gaby answered without missing a beat seeing her reaction Gavin put a hand on her shoulder pulling the brunette's attention away to him. "The rest of us didn't tho." The smirk he gave her  caused the girl to flinch. "Sorry." Was the Latina's bashful response. He pointed to the rest of the people in turn. "That's Trip, Cobra, Miles, Rubic and Ruben." They each saluted me in turn. "Nice to meet you!" I waved with a warm smile.

As I finished my warm up I saw Gaby walking up to me with a smile. "Ready to start?" "Yeah let me just." I started taking off my hoodie a gasp from near by met my ears. While I was doing so I heard the crew start to whisper between themselves. "Well damn I think you broke G." Cobra chuckled waving a hand in front of a very red faced latina. I ignored the teasing and sprinted off the crew following behind.

The feeling of freedom illuminated my face taking away the lines of worry the last few weeks have created in me and brought a new light to my eyes. I felt weightless, this was the type of feeling I would never get tired of. With all the stress from classes and all the work related to them make it hard to find moments where I feel completely at peace, completely free from all the pain and all the nightmares that haunt me. This was one of those rare moments.

When we were approaching the 2 hours mark it started pouring down, getting on us to move into a sprint to gather our belongings from where we left them.

The crew started to leave so they wouldn't be caught in the rain for long. "We have to do this again." Cobra said as he clasped me on the shoulder. Gavin waved goodbye as he left with a big grin on his face. Rubic surprised me with a hug while the twins Miles and Ruben taught me an elaborate handshake that apparently the crew used. Gaby stayed behind with me. "I haven't seen the guys that happy in a long time." She offered me a genuine smile. "You should join us more often." Her hand glided along my arm stopping at my hand that she squeezed affectionately. "I would love to see you again bonita." She gave me a kiss on the cheek as she left moving but somehow still managing to send me a wink over her shoulder. I looked down at the small paper in my hand it had a phone number along with a small message. "Hit me up sometime bonita." I read before pocketing it.

I closed my eyes and raised my head feeling the rain in my face. Rain always had a way of making me feel relaxed. After what I assume to be a couple of minutes I felt someone approaching while calling out to me, I refused to move until something was stopping the rain from reaching me.

"What are you doing? You're going to get sick." The familiarity of the voice made me open my eyes and turn my head to it's source. I was melt by golden orbs shining even in the low light they could fool me into believing they held whole galaxies, their stars never failing to be bright. The owner of said eyes had a worried look on her face yet a blush also adorned her features. A lazy smile formed from the sight in front of me. "Hey stranger." I saw her glimpse down at me before quickly averting her eyes. "At least put a shirt on, you're going to catch a cold." Her words made me accutely aware of how I was still standing in my sport's bra and completely drenched from the rain. I rushed to put my hoodie back on, catching her peeking at me before turning completely in my direction.

I rubbed my neck sheepishly. "Sorry about that." She cleared her throat before speaking. "No harm done." The blonde shrugged before taking a step closer to me. "What were you doing anyway?" Her eyes roamed my face like they were searching for answers there. I struggled with my words not sure of how to explain it, so I opted to ignore her question. "I didn't know you came to this park." Her cheeks turned a deep pink and she pointed at the other side of the street to what looked like a coffee shop. "Humm ... Well I don't usually ... I tend to be across the street. I go there with my friends. I was there now." She stammered adorably. "She's adorable when she's flustered." I pushed my thoughts away redirecting my attention to the place she mentioned. At a table by the window I could see three people staring at us. When they realized I noticed them they all waved with knowing smiles on their face, one of them was even resting his chin on his hand with a smirk on display. I turned my attention back to the gorgeous dark blonde haired girl that was covering her face with one of her hands in embarrassment. I reached out to her touching her arm softly making her look at me. "I'll let you get back to your friends." I glanced in their direction still feeling them watching our every move. "Answer me just one thing first." She studied me for a second before letting a single word out in a whisper. "Anything." I inclined my head slightly confused. She bit her lip offering an encouraging nod. "Damn that was attractive." My mind escaped from the situation at hand for a few seconds before snapping back under the weight of her curious gaze.

"Do you go there often?" Her response was almost immediately a nod, her head turning to look somewhere in the park. I could see the crimson rushing from her neck all the way to her ears. She looked lost in thought and that's when realization dawned on me it was now my turn to blush. "She's looking to where I give my instructions." I fidgeted in place before her golden orbs met my dark ones. "I have observed some of your classes." My eyes followed the movement of her tongue along her bottom lip distracting me. As I met her eyes again they held a different intensity to them. "I can never look away from them." I felt even more flustered then before, my heart racing in my chest. I took a small step back trying to gain some clarity from the fog her intoxicating perfume was forming in my mind. She moved with me making me swallow trying to shake off the nervousness I was feeling at her proximity. "You should get back to your friends." She looked taken back for a second but recovered quickly. "How did you get here? "I walked." I stated after a split second of hesitation. She grabbed my hand sending an electric current through me. "Let me drive you back. It wouldn't be good if you got sick." Once again I looked in the direction of her friends who weren't even trying to hide the fact they had been staring at us the whole time. "What about your friends?" She shrugged unbothered. "I think they can survive without me for a bit." Her smile made butterflies dance around in my stomach, her whole face had lighting up with her suggestion. "There was no way I could say no when she was smiling like that." I took a deep breath silencing my thoughts. "Sure that would be great." Her whole body radiated a bright aura at my response. She pulled me by the hand that was still in hers toward the direction of a dark grey BMW I could never dream of affording. She guided me to the passenger side opening the door for me using the excuse that she didn't want me to catch any more rain. While she moved to the other side to get in herself I fastened my seat belt. As she got in she mimicked my action before sending a quick text on her phone. She smiled brightly at me, bringing the car into life with a satisfying roar and driving off leaving her friends behind.

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A.N.

Thank you so much for the 100+ reads it means a lot to me I hope you guys are enjoying the story.

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