Chapter 41- Taunting Mournings

[] A M E L I A []

"His father passed away in jail Amelia."

Andre's words rang in my head like a broken record. I couldn't get the newfound information out of it.

Leo's father, the same father who abused his Laura, caused so much pain to Clara, was now dead.

I quickened my pace, a shiver going down my spine as I thought of him. I headed in the direction of Leo's apartment, the only place I think he would be at this moment. Neither Jamal or Andre had visited him yet, and I wasn't sure why they were urging me to go first. However, I didn't question it further either. I simply wanted to see him.

I quickly made it to his building, completely ignoring the cold brewing around me. Once I got there, I stopped under the entrance shelter and let out a deep breath. After I regained my breath, I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket and dialed his number. I slowly brought the phone to my ear, my hands shaking slightly due to the cold. And nerves. Mostly nerves.

Feeling disappointed when Leo didn't pick up by the fourth ring, I dejectedly pulled the phone away from my ear. However, just as I had pulled my phone away, the incessant ringing stopped and the timer on the call started. My eyes widened in surprise and I brought my phone back to my ear.

Just as I wished, I heard even breathing on the other side. For the next few minutes, both of us stayed silent, until finally, I spoke.

"Where are you Leo?" I asked.

I heard him sigh on the other side.

"In my room."

"Open the downstairs door," I murmured.

Instantly I heard shuffling on the other end, and a string of curse words leaving Leo's mouth. Then he shut the call.

As I waited for him to buzz the door open, I suddenly felt nervous. I had blatantly avoided him for the past week, and suddenly, I decided to show up at his door. That too, only when I had heard bad news. Would he hate me for that?

Before my mind could start spewing out more nonsense, I heard the familiar buzz coming from the door. I quickly opened the door and made my way up the steps to his apartment. Once I reached his front door, I stopped and took a deep breath before knocking. The door opened almost instantly, and I froze at the sight before me.

I didn't know what I was expecting to see him doing. Maybe holding a liquor bottle in hands, as he swayed side to side? Maybe a girl by his side as she giggled in his neck? Or maybe with bloody knuckles, as if he just punched his anger out? And although all of these scenarios were absolutely bizarre and un-Leo-like, I wasn't expecting to see him like this either.

Leo was wearing a classic 'Lethbridge College' hoodie and sweatpants that hung low on his waist. His attire was disheveled, his hair sticking out in many directions and dark black circles covered the underside of his eyes. A slight stubble was growing on his face, indicating he hadn't shaved. His eyes were wide as he saw me on the other side, his mouth slightly agape. He simply looked tired.

"Amelia? What are you-"

Before he could continue what he was saying, I reached forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

At first, we were both frozen from my gesture. His hands stayed splayed in the air, while I tightened mine around his neck.

I didn't care that I was barely inside his apartment yet, and that the door was still ajar. All I know, was that I was thrilled to see that Leo was here. That he wasn't drinking away his problems, or wasn't using a girl as an excuse, or wasn't punching his walls. I was relieved to see him safe in his apartment.

Before he could pull away from me, or worse, hug me back, I slowly unwrapped my arms from around him. Once I was back on my heels, all the confidence I had nearly a second ago seemed to fade away.

I slowly took a step back from him, my eyes trained on the floor. After a few minutes, I gathered up my remaining courage and looked up at him again. I was surprised to see him in the same position as before, but now, his eyes held the same intensity that I grown accustomed to seeing. I awkwardly tucked a stray strand behind my ear.

"Uh- sorry... I should've just...um..."

I couldn't stop the stutter fest. Truth was, I was not prepared to see him.

A million emotions ran through me as he slowly reached forward and grabbed my wrist in his hand. My mouth fell agape, but before I could protest, he was already pulling me into his apartment, closing the door behind us. He dropped my hand once we were in his small foyer and I finally tried to rethink the speech I had thought of on my way here.

However, as I took a deep breath and looked up to face him, all my previous thoughts were chucked out the window. I held my breath as he came closer to me, running a tired hand through his hair.

"What are you doing here Amelia?" he asked gruffly.

I opened my mouth to speak, but then I closed it. I repeated this once more, before finally speaking.

"You were missing," I simply said.

He shrugged.

"I'm here."

I nodded.

The following minutes were filled with an excruciating silence. There was so much I wanted to ask him, so much I wanted to say to him. However, my mouth was falling dry, and I had a sudden desire to run away from here.

But underneath that urge to run away, I felt an understanding for Leo. One more look at him, and I could suddenly see my past self reflecting in him. The reflection was so vivid, that it made me want to look away and rub my eyes profusely for seeing something so intimate, so personal.

However, for once, I stood my ground. I didn't waver as Leo looked at me emotionlessly, and instead I took a step closer to him.

"You should've told someone Leo," I said softly.

His brow furrowed at my statement.

"Tell who and what, Amelia?" he snapped suddenly.

I flinched at his tone, but stood my ground.

"L-Laura called..." I mumbled.

Leo's eyes hardened and he clenched his jaw as he looked to the side. He then brought his steely gaze back to me.

"So I should've called you instead? You, Amelia? The same Amelia who's been ignoring me for the past week?" he voiced out.

My head hung in shame. This was not how I wanted it to go. His words pierced through me, but I listened as I should.

"And why should I have told anyone else? For what reason?"

This finally caused me to snap. I looked up to him, my understanding now morphing into anger. I took a threatening step towards him, my voice now cutting against his.

"For what reason? Did you seriously just ask me that?" I asked him, my voice filled with underlying anger.

His brow furrowed at my words, his stance now turning defensive.

"Do you have any idea what was going through our minds? We were worried sick about you Leo! You can't just go missing like that. I thought-"

I immediately froze. I closed my eyes in defeat and slumped in my spot. I took a deep breath and snapped my eyes open, only to see that Leo had taken a step closer to me.

"Thought what Amelia?" he quietly asked.

He finally dropped his emotionless facade, his eyes turning softer. Then he reached forward, his hand coming up to my face. I froze as he slowly brought his hand up and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. And just like that, the anger I felt faded away, and I was caught in Leo's penetrating gaze.

"Did you think I gave up or something? Or that Jackson guy got to me?" he said softly, a slow grin forming on his lips.

My eyes widened in surprise and fear as I looked up at Leo. His smile vanished when he caught the look I gave him.

"Don't even joke about that Leo," I said seriously, my eyes watering at the thought.

How? Just how did he manage to catch my biggest fear?

His eyes widened in realization and his mouth parted in shock. He removed his hand from behind my ear and brought it to rest on my cheek. This time, I didn't fight him.

"Is that why you've been avoiding me Amelia? Because you thought that bastard would get to me?" he asked, leaning closer to me.

His gaze had me immobile. I couldn't move or speak. My lips parted slightly, but I stayed silent, not a sound escaping me. His eyes turned softer, his hand grazing my cheek more tenderly.

"Amelia, why are you-"

Before he could ask any more questions, and before I could give away more than I already had, I took a step away from him. His hand fell from my cheek and his eyes filled with a hint of disappointment. I pretended not to notice it.

"Enough about me Leo. What about you? How are you holding up?" I finally asked.

He shoved his hands into his pockets, a frustrated sigh leaving him.

"Why did mama call you?" he murmured.

"We were all meeting up for lunch when Laura called Andre to tell him. Andre sent me to come find you," I awkwardly said, my cheeks heating up for some unknown reason.

To my surprise, Leo let out a humorless chuckle.

"That dickhead knew I couldn't say no to you," he grumbled under his breath.

My breath caught in my throat as I stared at him in disbelief.

"Good thing for that. Otherwise who knew how long you'd be cooped up in here," I said.

He only lowered his head, and I turned around to face his apartment. His usually clean apartment was a mess today. Clothes scattered the living room, and dirty dishes were lined up in his kitchen.

I turned to Leo with a sigh.

"Go shower Leo. I'll clean up here," I said, my voice leaving no room for argument.

His eyes widened in surprise. He opened his mouth to protest, but I gave him a look before he could.

"You don't have to, Amelia," he said, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

I only pointed to his room. After a heated staredown, which I won, he finally sighed and sauntered to his door. When he disappeared behind his door, I finally turned to the apartment and sighed.

First, I grabbed all of his clothes and dumped them in his laundry basket in the laundry room. Then, I picked up all the trash and threw it away in the garbage. I did a quick sweep in his living room, then finally headed to the kitchen where I loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. At last, I finally headed for his fridge to see if I could cook something.

Since the fridge was pretty scarce, I headed for his cabinets. To my relief, I found a packet of powdered soup. As much as I wished I could make him something healthier, I settled on the soup for now. I cooked it up as quickly as I could, seeing as thirty minutes had already went by.

Once I was done, I dished out the soup in a bowl and started making my way to his door. I shuffled inside his room, surprised to see that it was cleaner than the house had been. Only a few clothes were strewn in the corner of his room, and like every other college student, his desk was filled with paperwork.

I made my way inside and set the soup on his bedside table. Just then, the sound of the bathroom door opening caught my attention. I turned around swiftly, praying in my head that Leo was fully clothed. To my relief, he was. However, I was not prepared for the sight I saw either.

Leo was wearing a casual black crewneck, and the same sweatpants from earlier. He had a towel draped around his neck and he was using it to wipe away at his wet hair. His face was now clean-shaven, a look that I preferred on him. The steam from the bathroom was casting a surreal halo around him, and I couldn't help the small breath that escaped my lips.

I swallowed and quickly looked away before he caught me staring.

"Uh, soup is ready," I lamely said, wringing my hands together.

When I heard no response, I looked over to Leo. To my surprise, he wasn't even looking in my direction. Instead, his gaze was fixated far away, to a world I couldn't reach out to.

Letting out a small nervous breath, I did the unthinkable. I slowly walked up to him, getting his attention. Before he could say anything, I reached for his hand and grabbed it in my own.

'Okay Amelia, breathe and walk. Breathe and walk,' I chanted in my head.

I nervously walked him over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it, Leo easily following my moves. I didn't let go of his hand, and he didn't pull away either.

For the next little while, both of us stayed silent.

After a few moments, Leo broke the silence by sighing and reaching over me. My eyes widened in surprise and I jerked back unwillingly. Leo simply smirked as he looked up to me, and reached over further to grab the soup off the bedside table. Then, he brought it over into his lap.

All the while he ate, he didn't let go of my hand.

I stayed silent as he ate, not a sound coming out of me. I was afraid that if I spoke, he'd understand more than what I wanted him to know.

After he was done, he put the bowl back on the table and settled down in the same spot.

I finally turned to face him. Again he was staring at the wall ahead, his eyes glazed over as if he was reminiscing about something in the past.

Without thinking twice, I squeezed his hand a little. This brought him out of his reverie and looked down to our joined hands. Then, he slowly pulled at his hand, causing mine to move along. A small breath escaped me as he brought our hands into his lap. I didn't fight him. I didn't say anything. Because at the moment, Leo wasn't present.

I couldn't even comprehend what he was thinking at the moment.

His father was now dead. But it was someone who he wasn't close to anymore. Someone who he didn't respect anymore. However, there was a time when he was close to him, when he did respect him.

But what was Leo thinking of now?

The good times, or the bad?

He lazily played with my fingers, and my heartbeat quickened at the gesture.

"I don't know what to do," he quietly said. "I feel horrible right now. I should've... I don't know Moonie..." he finally trailed off.

My heart ached for him.

Before I could think any more, precisely before I could persuade myself out of this, I did something I never imagined I would do.

I slowly peeled myself away from Leo and scooted back on his bed. He watched me with furrowed brows, but I didn't say anything. I simply moved to the other side of the bed and moved so that my head was against the headboard. Then, I patted the spot next to me for Leo to take.

When he saw that I was gesturing for him to come beside me, his eyes widened in surprise. I simply got under the covers, the cold now getting to my skin. I didn't tell Leo to move over again, and instead, I waited for him to come on his own. As I settled down, I heard Leo let out a small sigh. Then, he followed my movements and got under the covers beside me.

After a few moments of silence, I turned on my side, my body angled toward him. He was staring up at the ceiling, a hand thrown over his eyes. I tucked my hand under my head, wondering if I should start a conversation to get him to talk. Before I could speak, Leo broke the silence.

"Can we stop feeling guilty, Amelia? Guilty for all the things that weren't our fault," he suddenly said.

My eyes widened in surprise and I stared at him with my mouth agape. I didn't say anything to him, unsure of how to respond to something like that. When I was quiet for too long, Leo suddenly turned to me, his hand dropping to his side. He stared at me questioningly, but I still couldn't respond.

"Wh-what?" I only mumbled.

Leo let out a small breath and slowly turned over so that he was facing me too. He somehow ended up closer than I thought he would. His nose was only a few inches away from mine, his hands already reaching for my cheek.

He slowly lowered his hand onto my cheek, causing my heart to beat out of control. He started tracing slow circles on my cheek, and I closed my eyes in defeat. A small sigh escaped me as he continued, and I suddenly understood the weight of his question.

"We can Leo. Maybe someday," I said.

He let out a small sigh and moved closer to me, his breath fanning my face. I was afraid to open my eyes. Afraid that he'd be too close. Close enough to see everything I couldn't directly tell him.

"That day isn't far off Amelia. I'll make sure of it," he said.

I slumped further on his bed.

Now, I suddenly felt horrible. I was here to console him, but here he was, telling me that I should stop feeling guilty about what happened years ago. That I should stop feeling guilty about something that wasn't my fault in the first place. However, he doesn't know that it wouldn't have been my fault if I had told someone about it. If I had only told someone about Levi's feelings towards Brittany, then maybe, maybe what happened, wouldn't have.

I quickly shook myself out of those thoughts.

This was about Leo.

I slowly opened my eyes, my gaze meeting Leo's intense one right away. Slowly, I brought my hand up and reached for his hand that was on my cheek. I clasped his hand in my own and held it in place. His gaze flickered over to our joined hands, and he let out a small breath.

"What are you thinking about Leo?"

This seemed to snap him out of his trance. He slowly pulled his hand out of my grip and brought it to rest under his head on the pillow. I brought my hand between us, resting it on the empty space between us. He let out a deep breath, his breath fanning my face once again.

"Nothing Moonie. I'm thinking of absolutely nothing. It's like my mind is completely blank right now," he whispered.

"Did you ever see him again?" I asked timidly.

He sighed.

"Only once, back nearly two years ago, just before moving here. I visited him in jail. He was still the same jackass he was when I had seen him coming home drunk. He only shouted some, and then I left. I hadn't seen him since," he said evenly.

I nodded in understanding.

"Do you... do you feel guilty about not seeing him enough, Leo? Is that why you were asking if we could stop feeling guilty?" I asked at last.

He shook his head and I frowned in confusion.

"Then what is it?"

"I feel guilty about not feeling anything towards him anymore," he murmured.

My frown deepened as I tried to piece his words together.

"No matter what, there was a time when things were okay. A time when he was still a good person. I feel guilty for not being able to remember that time. I can only see him hitting Clara and hurting mama over and over again, and I just don't feel anything towards him anymore."

We stayed silent for the next little while. I tried absorbing Leo's words, and somehow, it made sense to me.

Is this the way I'd see Levi in the future?

One day I'll just get a call that he passed away, and I won't feel anything?

The thought made me shiver in disbelief. I want to think that I'd feel something. Anger? Guilt? But nothing? That seemed impossible.

"Then why were you hiding?" I asked confused.

Leo thought for a moment before answering this time.

"I wasn't exactly hiding. I just felt... wrong if I didn't at least mourn for him. I tried thinking about the good days we shared. But ever since I heard the news yesterday, I just couldn't do it," he said. "What I feel worse about though, is ever since mom heard the news, she's been wanting to hold a small funeral for him."

I forced myself not to react too much at his words. I tried thinking of Laura's perspective on this and finally sighed.

"Maybe she can remember the good times Leo," I whispered after a few moments.

To my surprise, a few tears trailed down Leo's cheeks unevenly. He let them fall, allowing me to watch him as he mourned. My heart churned at this. He was allowing me to see him at his most vulnerable time.

I slowly raised my hand that was between us and brought it down to rest on his cheek. He closed his eyes as I did this, a small breath escaping him. He nuzzled his cheek against my hand, and I used my thumb to wipe away his stray tears.

"Why can't I, Amelia?"